My DD agrees that I won't have any of those regrets. What are the next five?

Wow, gold, I'm impressed! Share some of your story....

No idea what the next five are, though I do intend to buy the book....

Very interesting.....thx for posting.

I have a couple of things to feel regretful about but none on the list. However, I don't dwell on them since they are in my past and I feel at peace, most of the time, with how I've turned both regrets into positives.

Im with Gold. When my Father was dying he confessed many of his deepest fears to me, and it caused me to look deeply within myself and assess where I could make changes so I didn`t die with regrets or fears.

Its taken me some time, but I believe that if I die tonight, I will have only one regret-and that is the George Clooney and I never had that mad fling....
But seriously, I believe I have no regrets, and I continue to march to the beat of my own drum. I wish I could have more time with my kids, but we keep in touch daily thru social media, so I feel more connected to them than I was to my parents. I cherish my friends and continue my friendships and crrate new ones. I work in a field Im passionate about. I dont feel I need to ask permission to have fun, nor do I care what others think about me. I am unabashed about my passions!

No regrets- my motto!

Im with Gold. When my Father was dying he confessed many of his deepest fears to me, and it caused me to look deeply within myself and assess where I could make changes so I didn`t die with regrets or fears.

Its taken me some time, but I believe that if I die tonight, I will have only one regret-and that is the George Clooney and I never had that mad fling....
But seriously, I believe I have no regrets, and I continue to march to the beat of my own drum. I wish I could have more time with my kids, but we keep in touch daily thru social media, so I feel more connected to them than I was to my parents. I cherish my friends and continue my friendships and crrate new ones. I work in a field Im passionate about. I dont feel I need to ask permission to have fun, nor do I care what others think about me. I am unabashed about my passions!

No regrets- my motto!

I must be a mess, because I can relate to all of them, except #2. Especially #1.

You have company, Terriks!

ohmygod, THANK YOU Terriks! I've been feeling really inadequate for the last few hours.....

Thanks bumble and bestyears. Now I don't regret my posting. :)

I heard part of that many years ago sort of where nobody ever said when they are dying "I wished I had worked more"

This post was edited by CLBlakey on Thu, Jul 18, 13 at 19:16

Pesky,
If it never happens (there's still time), it will probably be George's regret also.

Interesting phrasing....I wish I'd let myself be happier....not that you wished you were happier, but that you allowed yourself to be so. We can truly be our own worst enemy.

I definitely don't *want* to work as much as I do!

Move over terriks, bumble and bestyears and make room on the bench - you are not alone. I try not to dwell on my perceived shortcomings and figure I'll do better in the next go 'round ;-)

Eh, this just sounds like one person's take...guess I need to see some empirical psychosocial data ie an actual study using some real research parameters. All those things are so general-wish I'd been true to myself, wish I'd been happier. And the wish I hadn't worked so hard is SUCH an old worn out trope. Whatever...

Ann
feeling cynical, although happy to be at work, today :)

Ann -I guess I don't see this as one person's opinion, because it was based on the author's many years of caring for the dying. I think that provided a unique opportunity for shared conversation. My good friend Susie is a hospice nurse, and shares some amazing stories with me. Based on that experience, I have a hunch the author of this book heard things from her patients that they weren't necessarily sharing with their families.

"Let myself be happier" -- that really resonates for me wrt my mother...*my* regret for her was that by the time I'd figured out that happiness did not goeth before a fall (and any happiness, to my mom, was the same as overweening pride...), she was too far gone to understand that I would tell her that she could *let* herself be happy. She spent a lifetime avoiding happiness thinking it was all complacency : ( and that she really needed to be afraid of the Judge who would judge her actions waiting just on the other side. So incredibly sad, once I could see the reality of it.

I guess I must be doing things right since at this point(age 70), I have no regrets. IMO, it helps if you're a very optimistic person to begin with, and if you've gone thru a few hard knocks when you were younger, and have learned a few of life's lessons. Experiencing the 'opposites'~happy/sad, sorrow/joy, love/anger(hate?), etc.~allows you to feel all sorts of emotions. If you're only experiencing the 'highs' in life, you're not really living anyway. Just my 2 cents. ;o)

I subscribe to the saying, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

I've been self supporting since I was 14. Had a child to feed at 15. Never took a dime of welfare. I lived without water or toilet, hitchhiked to work when my car would not start and lived in a stage coach stop where bird hid their acorns in the siding and resident horses frequented my kitchen. Rats swam in my toilet. I was fishing another one out when I heard Elvis died.

I'm unafraid of being poor because I was just as happy being poor as I am with comforts. I have always felt a deep sense that everything will turn out just as it is supposed to. Happiness is a choice.

Aimee told me yesterday that I am my own best friend. I agreed. I am married to myself first. When one loves their self, not much can go terribly bad because you don't let it. I don't think I could love others deeply without loving myself the most.

When my floor needs swept but I have other things going on, I let the floor wait. I sweep when I feel like it and happily live with the dirt until I'm good and ready to sweep.

I can understand that these 5 things come to the mind of a dying person, but in the course of daily life of a healthy person, you make choices based on your life circumstances, you're in a different frame of mind.

I hope I can say on my death bed, " I did my best at the time " …….

I'm 61 now and I could make a long list of things I could have done better but I want to be free to do the best I can right now, in this period of my life. I force myself to let go of self doubts and regrets, I can't go back and start over !!

Pesky, I read that George Clooney is now single again….

golddust, you should write a memoir. I think it would be inspiring!

Hmmm, perhaps a fall trip to Italy to rendezvous with George might br a good idea!

I have not regretted saying yes to opportunity, even when it led to a less tjan ideal outcome. I have grown as a person, learned lessons I would not have otherwise, and met people who`ve changed my life. I have regretted saying no, but since I can`t go back, learned to say yes the next time.

I really debated about spending a considerable amount of money on something so many considered ridiculous, but I thought hard about it and decided to let my heart be my guide and not listen to the naysayers. As a result, i had a dream come true experience, met so many wonderful new people and have gained a whole new group of friends that are a positive in my life. Its never too late! So watch out George!

Mitchdesi, I agree with you. We make choices that we feel are best at the time. We feel what we feel at the time.
Bestyears, your post does make me stop and think though. Not so much about the past, but what I can do today.
I think we all wonder about the road not taken.

Way cool Pesky ! I remember you talking about that special encounter .

The personalities we are born with genetically and the culture and environment we are brought up in have so much to do with who we are. We like to think that we are the masters of our life, and yes, to a huge degree, but those things do shape us in deep and powerful ways.
The first step is recognizing the how they effect us then actually changing things. Not easy.
The reason success stories are so captivating is because so few actually are able to overcome the adversity of their beginnings that they did not choose.
Discussing this seriously, not flippantly.

Nancy, I have a title for my book but haven't found a good enough editor. Lol
Not sure one exists.

Pesky, that looks like Def Leppard! They were my favorite band when I was 14. Lucky you!

My DH's favorite sentence to himself and to me for 42 years has been....accept yes as an answer. Some days it happens and some days it doesn't. You can't go back...all you can do is take one step at a time toward the light. There are only 4 choices...

1) walking darkness toward darkness
2) walking light toward darkness
3) walking light toward light
4) walking darkness toward light

The choices are there but it is in the doing. Every day is a chance ....make of it what you will. And start again anew. c

So the thing that is rattling around in my head (where there is more and more space to rattle every day LOL) is this:

It takes courage more than anything, in my opinion to live a life of no regrets. Take no. 1... Just this week, I've had to bite my tongue pretty much every day over some stuff in the news. I would love to have a true give-and-take discussion about things like this...I'd love to share my true self .... but I've given up. Maybe it's where I live, maybe it's the media, maybe it's whatever. But in the end, I am not able to share my true self with people in areas like this because it just doesn't end well. It doesn't seem like that should be such a big deal, but its beginning to feel like a big deal to me. And then, in bigger ways, I think it takes enormous courage to make significant changes in your life after a certain age. How many people *wouldn't* change their lives, if there were no risk? I think of that, and it leads me to think that it's immature and foolhardy to toss everything up because your life isn't what you had hoped. Just suck it up and stick with it.... until of course you meet people who do take the risky path, and emerge with such amazing lives....

Maybe it's the faith that your life has meaning and you have one chance to define it. To live the way you were born to live, unafraid.

To live life at the absolute bottom gives freedom to live at the top. It's really an either/or situation. If you have smarts, a good idea and the mental ability to prove your idea, it's really a no risk situation.

I remember asking our bookkeeper who this extra money belonged to. Could we buy a washing machine or did we owe this extra money to others?

Pesky, love the pic! Thanks for posting! You and the guys look great. Of course, my favorite is Vivian Campbell (the dark haired guy on the right). I am a sucker for the dark Irish although I have my own cute little blond Irish guy right here. I had read he is undergoing treatment for Hodgkin's Lymphoma but still playing tour dates as far a I know.

Kelly, yes, that is Def Leppard. GS-yes, Vivian is currently undergoing treatment, but he continued the summer tour (they just finished the last show on Wed) and he's planning to do some gigs with his former Dio bandmates. Seems he's doing pretty well considering! These guys are so inspirational.

As to the topic, I was discussing this with my friend yesterday and she's struggling to live without regrets. I asked her if an opportunity presented itself to her, would she take it or would she find excuses not to do it. She struggled with that answer and was very surprised that she did.

A lot of people I've presented that question to have immediately said 'well, I can't do a lot of my bucket list because _____" most of the time it was related to money or lack thereof. But it doesn't have to be related to money. It has to do with stepping outside that comfort zone, to stop listening to the voice in your head that tells you 'you shouldn't'. I always say that most people are so ego driven that you're not going to occupy space in their head, so who cares if you decide to wear a purple shawl when everyone else wears brown? You love purple, you've always wanted to wear velvet and you love tassels. SO WEAR THAT! A few will cluck, but it's not the end of the world-and it'll make you happy every time you wear it.

That's the little things that started me on the path of no regrets. We're all going to die, why not die having experienced happiness rather than complacency? We need only follow the laws of health and safety, everything else is negotiable.

"But in the end, I am not able to share my true self with people in areas like this because it just doesn't end well."

Except...I don't think you are being un-true to yourself by not engaging in a debate in which neither side changes his/her views. That is simply deciding not to expend mental and emotional energy on a fruitless course of action.

Being true to yourself can also mean doing something concrete to support whichever issue is the one in question. Donate time, money etc. Or just walk away knowing that what you believe is still true--at least it is for you.

You are still being true to yourself; that doesn't depend on changing other people's minds...because we can only control *ourselves* not anyone else.

Ann

Ann,
I understand what you are saying, but what I'm realizing lately, is that when you have to *keep* doing that, it begins to chip away at your sense of self.

Amen, Ann. I agree with you. I do have a couple kindred spirits in my life that I can talk to about the news but for the rest, I just don't go there.

I don't think absence of conversation compromises me being who I am and I don't hesitate to agree to disagree. I DO have strong opinions and most people in my life know how I feel but I know I can't force my opinion on to anyone.

I think it takes enormous courage to make significant changes in your life after a certain age. How many people *wouldn't* change their lives, if there were no risk? I think of that, and it leads me to think that it's immature and foolhardy to toss everything up because your life isn't what you had hoped. Just suck it up and stick with it.... until of course you meet people who do take the risky path, and emerge with such amazing lives....

This is where I'm at. I have a nice, comfortable life, but I feel like I haven't done anything. And I know that I do make excuses about why I can't. Oftentimes I just don't want to be where I'm at.

I question the motion that a common regret of dying people is that they'd worked too hard. I think most people don't really work very hard at all.

kswl, I think that is a common theme among men of a certain generation who were not actively involved with raising their children because they were consumed with working their way up the corporate ladder. They find themselves with a great job and income, but with kids that they barely know.

Ever since I attended an AA meeting with my oldest son several years ago and heard the words below read aloud, they have resonated with me even though I am not an alcoholic. These words pretty much describe my life today because I have been on a journey of self-awareness for many years. I sincerely hope I have no regrets when I die.

The Twelve Promises from the AA Big Book

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity.
And we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone,
we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain insight in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook will change.
Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us
what we could not do for ourselves.

"Happiness is a choice." So true - I often smile even when I don't feel like it as I read that when one smiles it sends a message to the brain which induces positive feelings. I'd rather have smile lines than frown lines and practice gratitude which I believe increases my happiness.

I have few regrets as have discarded unreal expectations of what I 'should' do or have done. I think regret is often due to a critical mind which is often instilled in childhood. Too often we compare ourselves unfavorably with others and we must remember we don't live their lives. If most of us really think about and give ourselves credit for what we've done in in our lives we'll have no cause for regret. I've done a lot in my life for others and am now enjoying pleasing myself more than I felt able to do in the past.

I know I almost always did the best I knew how even tho it wasn't always, in hindsight, the best thing. However, I give myself permission to not be perfect and to continue to make mistakes.

The older I get the more I see how important it is to do things that are outside one's comfort zone. When I have done such things they have proven to be good experiences and I have fond memories even tho they may have been really scary at the time. To live without fear is not always possible but it's what we do about the fear that is important. There are many things that are not 'illegal, immoral, or life-threatening' that could be fun, challenging, and greatly enrich our lives. I've made it a goal that I will do several such things every year and am currently looking for the next one!

I read somewhere that putting ourselves outside of our comfort zones, even in areas as basic as food choices, can prevent Alzheimer's. Being open to new things is good for the brain. Somehow I don't think anyone on this board is at risk. LOL. Such a great bunch of women (Faron too) hang out here.

Terriks, I know that's the common "conventional wisdom"---- I just don't think it's true.

Terriks, what happened to your idea of voluntouring?

ellendi, I do want to try the voluntouring, but that will be a bit in the future, as time and money are available.

How many of those regrets are things children never worry about? They certainly impose no limit on their happiness, have no compunction about expressing themselves at the top of their lungs, be they in a store or restaurant, focus on play over work, especially with their friends, and never think about being anyone but who they are.

Time for a second childhood! Don't live vicariously through your children and grandchildren...rather be the change they model for you.

Wise words Annie!