That is rarely an easy decision, even when you know it is the right thing. I agree with sueb, you will be fine and you know we are with you no matter what.

Thinking of you pesky.

It sounds like a positive move. You deserve to take the path that best serves you.

Making the decision is the hardest part.

Good luck to you, although I know you will be just fine.

ML

((((Pesky)))) You are a strong woman, and will get through this. I know you have agonized with this decision for quite some time, and hope in some way you feel a weight has been lifted. Like any major life change, I would guess you will feel many emotions and will feel like you are on a roller coaster for some period of time. Sending comforting peace and prayers to you.

I always feel that as difficult as some decisions are, there is a particular sense of peace that settles in us when we've made the right decision. Even when we know we have lots of work, agony, etc. in front of us, we still feel at peace with it. I feel like I hear that sense of peace in your post....

I always feel that as difficult as some decisions are, there is a particular sense of peace that settles in us when we've made the right decision. Even when we know we have lots of work, agony, etc. in front of us, we still feel at peace with it. I feel like I hear that sense of peace in your post....

Time to change the channel and star in a new movie!!! I sense a resolve inside you that feels somewhat peaceful. I know you are sad but thank Gawd you are self supporting and getting a lawyer.

On to practical matters. You keeping the house? Look out for your retirement benefits and all else. Glad you have a lawyer. Hope he/she is a good one. Don't make decisions out of guilt, promise?

I wish you strength and resolve. You deserve so much, especially the chance to find someone on par with your own brilliance. Hugs and 100% support flowing your way.

Wow! Big life decision, but it sounds like it was long considered and well thought out. I think you are an absolute angel for staying through his mother's decline and not leaving him to fend on his own. For that he owes you a major thanks.

I was watching Oprah interview Maya Angelou and O said she called her one night after something awful happened. She was in tears and looking for comfort. But instead she got, "stop your crying right this minute and get down on your knees and thank god that he's got something better planned for you."

So as rough as this transition will be, be grateful that this new opportunity for expanding your life has come your way.

I hope you're feeling physically better too.

Pesky, I wish you every good thing in life and hope the future holds everything you could imagine. Keep focused ahead, put the past behind you.

Sending along hugs and strong positive thoughts and good wishes for the future ....

I knew this day would come and how horribly painful to choose one or the other but you have to put yourself first. It's time. You've done your very best and, had he done the same, this moment may not have happened. Living with stress is unbearable. Yes, you'll have your empty feelings and, pretty soon, they will fill up more and more until you wake one day feeling joy again. I pray that day comes soon. Sending love and encouragement, you're quite a gal and you deserve to be happy.

I also hope you are feeling ok about your decision, a hard one to make but you had talked about it here before.
With all the challenges you've had lately, I wish you strength and courage, keep us posted.

Uffda Pesky!

So sorry all these events happened in your life, and led to a tough decision like this!! I'm sure it's gonna be better for you...you seem like a tough, practical Woman.

If you ever wanna bounce somethin' off a Guy, I'm your Man!
(and NO...I don't mean a frying-pan...;-))

Faron

This has been coming for a long time. I know what you are going through. Bestyears is right, there is a certain peace in having made a difficult decision.

Thinking of you, pesky, and sending positive thoughts your way.

(and I do hope you have consulted with an attorney first. If not, please do it right away.)

(((Pesky)))

(((Pesky)))

((Pesky)) I donâÂÂt âÂÂknowâ you, yet have followed your posts and understand that this decision is one that you have considered for some time. I applaud your strength and resolve, and your patience and goodness to do all that you did to care for your MIL prior to making this break. I wish you the very best, and hope that your future brings you the peace and happiness you deserve!

Thank you so much everyone. Your words are more comforting than you can imagine. This is a very, very difficult decision to make, but it will be best for both of us.

I told him yesterday that he deserves more than I'm willing to give him-and that I don't hate him. It is so hard to imagine him not around, but at the same time, I've daydreamed about it for a while.

Today he's packing up things and it's pretty difficult for me. I'm trying really hard not to step in and 'guide' him. He's very impulsive and I was afraid he'd just get rid of things that meant something to him. He is actually being pretty practical-he was going to give him brother things to store, but realized his brother is a flake and will lose them. I offered to store them for him but he doesn't want to do that. As I go through the house later, however, I will gather things of his (he doesn't even know where everything is!) and put it in storage for him for later. Many years of photos, momentos-he'll want that later once he's settled.

My mother is pretty angry with me-but that is her fears being projected onto me. She's afraid of me ending up alone. In her mind a woman needs a man to be complete-she even asked me if I was having one of my kids move in to help me with the mortgage! She doesn't realize I am completely self-sufficient-I just need someone to do certain handy-man things!

This is not going to be easy-he's vascillating between victim and hero-and I'm going to continue to hold my line-I WILL NOT BUDGE.

Thanks everyone-I needed the opportunity to get this out. Only a few 'real life' people know what is going on, and it's a little easier to communicate this way rather than having dozens of singular conversations with friends.

(((((hugs)))))

Pesky, like deadtired, I also waited 25 years to take that walk by myself, as well as *for* myself. We were able to remain friends, as that's what I wanted for my kids, all young adults~our problems didn't need to involve them. He never wanted to officially divorce, and I had no marriage plans in the future, so it was ok with me. We made a trust together, as he worked and accrued stocks, 401 K's, and other financial assets, and never even gave a thought to me not being the beneficiary. With a diagnosis of cancer a month before retirement, he passed away after only 7 months~it's been 2 years. You need in writing that you will be a beneficiary of any company benefits, as those things may not be a part of the 50/50 dispersement ruling in a divorce. If you do not remarry, you will get a portion of his social security since you've been married over 10 years, but may not qualify for health benefits if you divorce.

Take care of all the financial business before signing any divorce papers so are protected in that area. Retirement should be a pleasant experience, but if those matters are not settled, it could become a living hell, keeping money tied up for years, causing a hardship for you.

Stay strong and God bless you as you begin a new life for yourself.

Pesky, you must be on an emotional roller coaster right now, and going through the head vs. heart thing too. You know we're here for you if you need us. Wishing you much peace and contentment in your new life.

This is not going to be easy-he's vascillating between victim and hero-and I'm going to continue to hold my line-I WILL NOT BUDGE.

Please don't let him control what happens. I was pretty sure you were done after the last major "incident" but some how he got another chance. Right now you are the victim. If you forget this; please come back so that we can support you. I will gladly go back & gently remind you of why you've made this decision. I'm not big on divorces & am sorry it has come to this; but from where I sit; you need to be Pesky right now; not having to worry about someone else's emotions except your own & healing from the major fall you just had. A fall that he could not give 30 minutes to an hour of his time to help you shower.

Invite your mom here; we'll let her know that a man that you deserve will end up finding you when you least expect it; I'm not talking now; but I do see that in the near future for you. Even though you're self sufficient; you will find someone that loves you & can bring out the best Pesky there can be.

Thanks everyone-I needed the opportunity to get this out. Only a few 'real life' people know what is going on, and it's a little easier to communicate this way rather than having dozens of singular conversations with friends.

If you need to speak to friends; consider making a secret group on FB where you invite them & no one will be able to find it unless you invite them by the link. They're awesome for stuff like this. I think you have my email if you need help with one.

Hope your stomach is feeling better
~Hugs

Thinking of you Pesky and, when I do, I say a prayer for you. You know you're strong. You have my support and the rest of the group.

How are you doing Pesky?
How are your injuries healing?

Thanks for asking Rose. I'm healing up slowly. I guess it's going along at the pace it's supposed to go, but I feel like I should be better already! But they did say 12 weeks. Gah!

As to the rest, it's coming along. He doesn't seem to really believe it, and wants to try to work it out, but I know in my heart it's not going to work. Too many things need fixing and it's just not fair to everyone to expect that to happen. So we go day to day-he is still at the house (but I sleep in the guest room) and he's making plans to get things squared away. The attorney I was going to hire didn't work out (long story) so I'm working on getting another. He's said he won't fight me for anything, (I'm more worried about my retirement account than the house). I told him I'd leave the house, but he doesn't have enough steady income to stay here and support it and the animals, etc. I told him I can't afford to pay rent elsewhere AND the housepayment, so he's got to move out. He agrees, but hasn't made the move yet. Frankly, I'm just not up to messing with that right now-it'd be too much for me physically (not to mention emotionally) so I'm shooting for after DD's wedding to make this move forward.

I do not know if he's going to go to her wedding or not, that is between those 2-he's been estranged from the kids since early last year. Because they're adults and out of the house, I don't get involved with that mess.

I hope you stick to your gun's Pesky. He wanted to work it out last year when he did the unthinkable, and look where that got you. And your kid's.

Will you have to pay spousal support? That would suck. Lawyer's are expensive, but in the long run it will be worth it for your own peace of mind.

The most important thing at the moment is getting your health back. Make him wait on you hand and foot. :)

Glad you are healing well Pesky. The rest will work itself out.

tina

I also was happy to read you are healing, and I do hope things settle to a better place, take care of your self and keep us posted !! you are brave and strong !!

I also was happy to read you are healing, and I do hope things settle to a better place, take care of your self and keep us posted !! you are brave and strong !!

I continue to think positive thoughts for you.

Just looked at your original post; can't believe it's only been a month. Are you working or home? I think you have a physical job; lots of driving? I think my rib fracture healed quicker then the tail bone fracture.

I'm glad you found out now that the attorney was not right for you. Best advice I can give; is to find a woman attorney if you can. I've actually loved my attorney; but recently feel like I need to let him go. He made a remark to me that my daughter should be emancipated. My divorce states that he has to support her if she has medical issues. I've been taking her to doctors for 5 years for a mystery illness that I finally figured out. It's going to be 2-3 years before all of her issues get worked out with surgery. I think a woman that has kids would be more empathetic

Have you filed for legal separation? If not; you may want to consider doing that. IIRC; Once it's filed; it protects you with any debt he incurs. If he has credit cards; he can go nuts on them right now; you'd be responsible for 1/2. You've probably googled already; I'll leave the link below in case you haven't.

Here is a link that might be useful: helpful page

I was hoping you'd get back together, but if he's done the unthinkable I guess that's not a good idea. Hope you've either had your rock n'roll trip or this doesn't interfere with it. You were so looking forward to that.

Wishing you well. Sad but it sounds like you know what you're doing.

I'm wishing you well too Pesky. There's never a good time for something like that.

Haven't revisited this in a while...

I'm healing slowly from my injuries. The worst is over, I guess, but I experience terrible back pain and I can't do half of what I used to yet. Also don't have my endurance back yet, I could sleep for hours and that isn't like me. But I am back to work at limited duty, no field work till the end of July, so that helps me a lot.

Personal-we are working thru my decision. He is still living in the house, but we stay in seperate bedrooms. I've made it very clear that there is no physical contact-ie no kiss goodbye in the morning or goodnight. Obviously there is no intimate contact. We are more in the mode of buddies sharing a house.

He has been doing things, however, that are an improvement for HIM, which in turn is an improvement for me and us. He's doing some sort of therapy that is supposed to make him be a better person for himself-does this make sense? He's doing things that are helping to direct him and heal, part of it is for his mourning, but part of it is to make him see life in a different way. He's not shared with me exactly what it is, but I he's made comments about how he's been doing things with his customers that make him proud-things I had been telling him for many years to do! I'm kind of mad about that, because it makes me feel like I had never been listened to in all those years and now someone else is using my words and he's listening to them...but at the same token, that is a big part of why I want to part from him...I just never felt validated by him!

So we're moving thru this slowly. I guess because I care about him I'm letting him get his feet under him first.

I am still working on ME, too. I really got thrown back by getting injured so bad. I could be doing a lot more for me but at the same token it's giving me time to take care of my finances, etc. The good news is that we have always maintained seperate bank accounts and credit accounts. The only joint thing we have is our mortgage, and financially, I can completely afford to continue to support myself without any assistance from him. I am very fortunate to have a very, very good paying job with full benefits. He's said he can't afford the house, and agrees that selling it now would incur too much loss for us, so i could keep it and he'd just agree to a quit claim. I might have to pay him some support if we go to court-he's said he won't get a lawyer, so we could do it uncontested. There are no children and no other RE-we both have seperate retirement accounts, so even though mine has more value, he said he wouldn't demand his share (only the value of what has accrued since we married-I have had this for nearly 10 years before we married).

So that is where things are for right now. Working slowly. And moving forward.

"And moving forward." and I think that is what is key.

Good luck. I wish good things for both you and your husband.

When you talk about the type of therapy that he is doing it does make sense. I don't think that you can be a giving and caring person unless you are centered within yourself. Something will always get in the way of being empathetic and caring - sometimes it's anger (I don't mean anger over a specific situation but long-term anger perhaps from childhood), sometimes it's lack of self-confidence. It's hard to peg those issues and it's hard to understand how they impact us on a daily basis for ourselves and those around us. I wish him the best.

Pesky, I just have to ask after reading your faux brick post if you have had a change of heart? That post sounds like you are planning to do things together.

Pesky, I just have to ask after reading your faux brick post if you have had a change of heart? That post sounds like you are planning to do things together.

Terri,,,not in the aspect it reads. More in the mutual agreement that that would be best for the house. He's been packing up his things and is planning a yard sale soon to unload a lot of junk he's been packing around.

He says he doesn't want to leave me with a bunch of stuff to get rid of when he's gone. So for what it's worth-that is what is meant by the family room reno.

I picked up the book he'd been reading and it was discussed exactly what you mention BL. He really has been making strides in whatever it is that is holding him back from being a stronger person. Trying to heal that child within, I guess. All I can say is that his behavior lately has been what I'd been hoping for for so long.

I am skeptical-he's made strides before but then fell back to his old ways (and worse) but I have hope he'll make himself a better person. I still remind myself that he hurt be very, very badly and that must be addressed if we are to have a future together. I'm not willing to take that on at this time-I feel it's up to him to recognize what he did, to own it and be the one to bring me to a point where I can get past it.

So you are thinking that you might still have a future together?

I don't know Kelly. I don't think so-in the long run, I think that we're just not the same people who got together all those years ago.

We just went out of town on some errands and we touched on some of the issues (the kids) and he is totally closed off to working things out with them. That is a deal breaker for me-my kids are always going to be in my life and I want to spend time with them in my home.

I wanted to broach the subject of his contact with the other person but didn't feel like dealing with it today. Maybe I don't even want to go there-I feel like if I did, it'd just be getting the door closed in my face-he won't talk about it, so why get myself worked up if he's not willing (or ready) to talk about it? So two deal breakers-talking about why and making me know he is truly repentant and making up with the kids. If they don't or won't happen, I am done completely.

I'm putting things on the back burner till September-honestly with getting DD's wedding prepared, I don't have the time or energy to put into the relationship with my husband. But I am NOT planning to not go forward with my plans!

Pesky, without knowing you in Real Life of course anything said is only based on your writing here. It just doesn't sound like you are done with this marriage. If you are truly going to divorce, you do it. The fact that after the big announcement neither of you left your home, you didn't get an attorney, and now you are postponing until after a family event...well, that isn't divorcing. It's making an announcement and then re-commencing the life you have been living.

Which is of course your right and decision. It does seem though that you've announced your divorce several times now and each time there is an outpouring of sympathy and good wishes. And then you back track and the cycle seems to begin again.

Best to you, your husband and whatever you decide. Maybe some day you will actually follow through on your plans, but you don't seem ready to do it at this time, and I'm betting not in September either. Then again as noted, my opinion is worth what you paid for it :).

Ann

I think Ann is right. When you did the topic about your brick wall you kept saying "We" instead of "I." If you plan on divorcing, he should have no say in anything you do with the house.

Your last excuse was that he had so much stuff and you all were waiting for a place to put it before he leaves. Now it's after the wedding.

The deal breaker for me would be him not wanting to make up with the kids, not the other person. In regards to the other person, it will take years and years to find out if he won't do it again.

Part of me wonders if you're feeling sorry for him since you're the bread winner in the family.

I only see what you post about your marriage during the bad times so I've developed a protective affection for you and want you to dump the bum already! Only half-joking. . .

Still, know matter what you decide - no one here, or really any where else in RL, has a right to judge these life altering decisions or how many times you have a change of heart.

Those fortune cookies can sometimes hold a piece of paper that can sometimes have real meaning. I've carried one behind my drivers license for almost 20 years because it was very profound and came at a time when my life was going thru major changes. "You have only one goal in life and that's to be true to yourself". I made the decision to do exactly what you're doing, and have never looked back.

I've been divorced twice; it's not easy on either side. Mr Pesky just lost his mother; Pesky is still trying to heal from a fall. The last thing she needs IMO is for things to get nasty right now. I also only know the story from here; while I don't recall good posts; many of us come to post when we're frustrated & need to vent. There has to be something there for their marriage to have lasted this long.

She has a lot to lose if he wants everything divided. Easiest to keep the peace right now & move at her own pace.

If they stay together; then that's what's meant to happen. I didn't have time to reply the other day; I was going to suggest he move out; work on himself & focus on a trial separation with him not living there. If he's normally "good" for 3 months; then you give it double or triple that before even considering him moving back. He has to know what it feels like living alone so that he has a taste of what it's like to lose her & their life; or he'll realize once & for all that he needed the kick in the ass to move on & grow up.

I've been through a messy divorce; it's very costly. I know I spent close to $10k if not more. My 2nd ex spent over $50k accusing me of whatever that got him no-where.

I kept giving ex #1 more chances. He was good for a month or so; then back at it. 26 years later he's still with the b*tch that he cheated on me with when I had my son.

~Hugs Pesky.

This post was edited by roselvr on Sat, Jul 6, 13 at 19:49

Yes, please don't shame or scold Pesky....she has so much on her plate right now. Not everything can be dealt with at once.

Thanks for the support. It really means a lot, and i do understand where it seems as if I'm not being serious. I am working on this-I can't say where I'll be in a year from now-I just know that I am focusing on ME.

My husband is working on himself-and as I've said-I'm not really emotionally or physically ready to put any more into my relationship with him-or leaving him-at this time. It's not a cop out-it is what is best for ME right now.

Yes, he's still sharing the house with me, no we're not living as husband and wife. We both still have a lot of love for one another-but we both also have a lot of growing on our own to do. I have not forgiven him, and just the other day I had the opportunity to talk with him about some of the issues, but frankly,I just couldn't put myself thru it. I am NOT back to the way I was before I fell-physically I'm still pretty limited, and I need help around the house. He's able to do some of the things I need done. He knows that I still want to seperate-we're not back together.

So I do appreciate the support I have from you all, and I appreciate the criticism. I get this IRL, too! I've got thick skin,and I'm a big girl. But it is very much appreciated to hear others stories and to have a sisterhood here.

I too, think nobody should be critical of a decision to go into a holding pattern -for whatever reason. Life is messy... and this is a huge decision.