While the OP is clearly steamed that her hostess isn't pitching in on the chores, perhaps the hostess is fit to be tied because a guest is creating such an unplanned disruption to an otherwise congenial party.

Such fervent attention to the clean-up could easily be interpreted as a criticism of the housekeeping standards or the attractiveness of the guests' interactions.

Who cares if the leftovers spoil -they'll likely be tossed anyway. But a more egregious thing is acting as if you are not completely enthralled with the conversation and party atmosphere the hostess has attempted to create and offer for your pleasure. If it appears that you think scraping kitchen offal down the disposal and applying cling-film to unwanted food is more fun than staying engaged with other guests at my party, then I would feel I had utterly failed as a hostess.

After the party when I was processing my chagrin at such a debacle, I might come to my senses and conclude that I wasn't going to risk boring you to death again. And summarily scratch you from any future invitation lists. It would seem to be the kindest thing to do, afterall.

L.

Maybe the hostess comes in and joins you because everyone else has gotten up and left the room, and she is sitting there by herself.

Maybe the times she has not helped at all is to make the point that she would really prefer you Not do it. (Which apparently, no one got.)

Food does spoil that rapidly inside the house at room temperature that it needs to be attended to immediately. This is late 20th century hygiene paranoia rearing it's head.

I don't understand why people have to be so coy about people's offer to help out. If I want them to, I say "Yes, thanks" and if I don't I say "No" and that's what I mean.

It should say food does Not spoil that rapidly indoors at room temperature.

P, I agree.
I have left food out for hours and I am still here. And, no food related sicknesses either.
The only time I got truly sick, for weeks, ( I believe I had e-coli, or related) it was from a nice restaurant meal.

I do understand the concern, however. My Dad is elderly and I watch what he eats but if I thought leftovers were truly infected, ruined or spoiled in anyway, I would not give them to him to eat.

I am downright shocked at how this topic has become so hot. It really does confirm a few things though.

First, I'm not talking about a "party." I'm talking about a few couples, maybe 10 of us at the most. It's not a party atmosphere, it's just a small gathering of friends.

If it helps any, they have an open floor plan, and if we didn't clear away the counters, there is no place to put our drinks.

My friends and I have been close for years. I have never been to a lunch/dinner with them where no one helps clear the table after eating, whether immediately or an hour later, without being asked. It's called "Good manners." It keeps friendships alive.

I can assure you the hostess in question has NO desire to clean up after dinner. That's the sticking point. It makes the rest of us feel awkward because we KNOW the food needs to be wrapped. She is not in the LR keeping up a party atmosphere. In fact, she's the least talkative person I know.

Believe it or not Pal, even in this day and age there are some foods that need to be wrapped immediately, like deviled eggs and various kinds of salad which will wilt if not put in the fridge.

I can also assure you the leftovers ARE eaten by the hostess and her family.

I guess I'm shocked that when you go to a friends house to eat (not a party) you won't help without being asked first, and to think it's rude to do so just boggles the mind.

Oh well.

It appears the real issue here is a need to be in control.

Oakley, first you said everyone was in the livingroom, now you say if we didn't clear away the counters, there is no place to put our drinks. Which is it?

I can also assure you the leftovers ARE eaten by the hostess and her family.

Obviously her lack of speediness in getting food into the fridge hasn't impacted her or her family's health if she's well enough to host dinner parties for her friends. That should tell you something.

Volunteering to help is one thing ... taking charge is another.

Oh I don't think it is rude to offer help at all, don't get me wrong.

But, If someone asks and I want help I say "yes", if not, I say "no". If I ask and the person says "no" I assume they mean no.

And if she did die, it would be okay since she doesn't contribute much to the conversation anyway. I'd let the dishes sit.

I still say ask and don't do it if she says no - even if it makes you cringe to watch the salad wilt.

My dad has always been the party host extrordinaire (he does all the cooking, cleaning, etc). He is an absolute control freak and HATES to have people in the kitchen cleaning up after a party or gathering. He very clearly tells his guests they are not to help and god help those that touch a dirty dish after his warning (don't get me wrong, he is also the life of the party and says all this with a smile and laugh).

It sounds like you think your friend isn't pulling her weight at these gatherings and therefore leaving all the work for the others. Have you tried to talk to her about it? She might not realize others feel as you do. Again, I don't think you can assume her motives without asking. Having a chat about it will probably help to maintain the friendship, whereas if you let it continue as is, it sounds like you will become more and more resentful and she'll never know why. Usually in the these situations, someone ends up saying something unkind either to the person's face or behind their back and the friendship suffers. If you're open and up front about it, things can be worked out.

I'm kind of surprised by how vehement some of the responses have been. Maybe I'm missing something. I know there is big divide on the social etiquette continuum just as there is on the food spoilage and germ continuum, but we've had these discussions before without the heat, no?

Chickadee, my first good belly laugh today! (and probably the only, I'm sure).

When I host, my female guests ask what they can do to help me. I tell them all to just relax and I'll do the dishes after they leave. It doesn't bother me at all, because it IS a casual affair & I'd much rather chat than do dishes! They like it that way too. :)

I don't understand why this is okay at your house but not at your friend's house. If she and her DH aren't worried about the food, you shouldn't be either. Stay in the living room and put your glass on an end table.

And to go off on a tangent, it's really annoying that the women are always the ones who are expected to help or offer to help in the kitchen. I know that many men also volunteer, but they seem to get "bonus points" for doing so. It's not expected of them.

Oakley actually I think you read my post backward. Nowhere did I say it was rude to ask the host if they wanted help cleaning up.

I know a number of people who are really touchy about the way they do things, and "helping" them just breaks down their system.

I also know someone who flung the host's brand new French Door refrigerator open "helping" and put a $400 dent in it, because it hit the oven. She does not really appreciate that kind of help. If I were that guest I would have paid for a new door. The "damaged fridge" was actually a buyer's negotiating point when she had to sell the house.

If I break my own glasses or dishes it's on me. I know I would get over it but if someone broke something that belonged to my great-grandmother or grandmother, I would be pissed off. Yes, we still use that stuff in my family even if we are very careful with it, and yes, I know friendship should come first, but if someone is going to ruin or break something I treasure, it had better be me.

Many people have a system and a method, and "helping" can be more of a hindrance to those kind of people. Things get put away in a certain place in a certain order. Sterling can't be put in the dishwasher touching any other metal. Some things do not get thrown in the laundry basket with everything else. So sometimes, No I will do it myself means exactly that, no matter how good friends we are.

So YES, it is polite to ASK. But take the answer at its face value.

How can the hostess not be "pulling her weight?"---- It's HER house!

If the guests are not taking the leftover food home, why do they care if it spoils?

Ten people at dinner = party, or should. Maybe there's no party atmosphere because all the women guests despise the hostess' slothful ways, lol.

Oakley, I am sincerely sorry if my comments offend. I am genuinely baffled at the whole situation. I keep thinking i am missing something!

All this reminds me of various informal parties ( get togethers, whatever you want to call them) that I have held for years and there is always several certain close friends who feel the need to clean up my kitchen.
I always protest, it is ignored, then I am forced to act grateful to them for washing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. NOT.

After they leave ( and I truly love these people) I go unload the dishwasher of all the stuff they put in there that I prefer to handwash, and give a sigh of relief mixed with a tiny bit of annoyance and I admit, gratitude.

I'm torn though.
I'm annoyed they decided when the "party " would end. Cleaning up, in any form usually signifies a break in the atmosphere and a sign for people to leave. (because I need to clean up, grrr)

Gratitude, because my precious friends didn't chip or break any of the dishes or glassware I decided to use. Yes, I use "precious" stuff. I don't advertise it but I enjoy using it and having it out for friends. I planned on handwashing it myself. With a towel lined sink.
Commenting on that or even bringing any attention to that fact is priggish/petty and not what I want.
But there is a tiny bit of gratitude that it is all done, but it stresses me out.
So, Oakly, this not a commentary on your situation, but I hope you do see there are different perspectives and points of view.

I'm with you terriks. I elbow my husband to make him offer help when we are at someone's house. Hoping he will set a good example for the other guys. He still doesn't do it automatically like most women do though. Sigh

I'm in the "Follow the lead of your host" camp. When I have people over I might quickly put food away or I might not. If someone offers to do it for me I'll say "It's fine thanks. I'll take care of it later." If they then got up and started doing what they seem to consider "my neglected job" I'd be pissed off.

Why is this a "hot topic"? It's just people voicing their opinions on a pretty minor issue.

I know I keep chiming in, but I want to give an example that is not even a "get together"

One of my friends came home with me for a few days to my parents' house and most of my siblings were there.

After the first time we ate dinner at home my father said "I will do the dishes", so we all just stayed in our seats and my father, who was about 85 at the time proceeded to wash and load the dishwasher and put certain things away.

My friend INSISTED on helping and we told her it was a mistake, to just let him do it. She thought it was a sin that we let an 85 year old man do the dishes while we sat. She went ahead and helped, and after protesting once or twice, just let her.

Why was she surprised when she went out in the kitchen and found him laboriously unloading the Dirty Dishwasher and Redoing everything she had done to "Help"...we had Told her, because we have been through it many times before.

He also complained to me that the "Inside of the refrigerator was so _____ed up for weeks after that [he]could't find anything." Yes he dropped the F bomb. He likes things a certain way, and it throws him off (especially at 88(now), if things aren't done the way they are always done.

Oakley it seems like you are upset that you have to clean up but no one told you that you have to clean up! Don't you see that by her sitting there and not joining you she is trying to tell you that she does not want the kitchen cleaned up right then?

No Oakley, it is not good manners to get up and go clean someone else's kitchen while they are still sitting down.

Oakly, I do want to comment on the fact that you all bring food.
I still think that the food brought belongs to the hostess and for her to do as she pleases. 20 minutes is nothing unless you are outside and it 90 degrees+.

Still, it is her home and the food brought essentially becomes hers. Covering YOUR food (nobody else's and NOT clearing tables) or quietly putting it in the refrigerator is possible if it does not disrupt the conversation or bring attention to the fact that you are doing so.

Otherwise, let it go.

I remember one of the first gatherings I hosted as a young bride at my home. We invited two other couples over for a casual barbecue. I was nervous about it because these women were very fussy about their houses and I felt like I was more laid back, and possibly not as particular about decorating, cleaning and general homemaking. You all have brought me back to how I felt when I found the two women in my kitchen yacking away and doing MY dishes! I couldn't believe it! I was angry. It was like they stopped the flow of my party and cut it short. There was nothing that would spoil. They made me feel like I was a bad housekeeper to not want to jump right on the cleaning. I planned to do that on my own after they left. I don't recall inviting them over again. However, since then, when I'm invited to someone else's house, I linger and talk and enjoy their company. At dessert time, I take my plate along with a few others into the kitchen and offer to help serve dessert. Then we linger and talk some more. Before I leave, we clear the table and I offer to help with the dishes. If the hostess is cleaning, I help. Otherwise I do as she asks. I would NEVER want to make someone feel like I did.

I have scratches on a crystal bowl after a helpful guest 'helped' clean up the kitchen. The first scratch in my new sink was also put on by a helpful guest -after I asked them to leave the dishes and visit.

I'm not so nice now. If someone has left the party to clean my kitchen, I toss them out. Many of my things I use are precious to me and I care for them in certain ways. Nothing tics me off more than seeing that a helpful person has put my precious 200+ year old cast iron skillet in the sink to soak without asking me. Its hard to feel grateful for the help when i discover it later and have to reseason it, which takes time and effort. (Don't touch my stuff!! If I say I don't want help, I mean it!!)

... And don't use metal scrubbers on my Le Creuset or use them as a dish pan for other dishes, thank you!

Does this same hostess do the same thing at others homes? Sit and not help till later? If so, I'd think she's pretty selfish. If she does help out at other homes, then I'd follow her lead.

It doesn't seem that she cares that you all clean up at her place, so if you do it, you do it. Doesn't sound like you're offending her, especially if she's checking her messages and things while everyone else is visiting.

How close a friend is she? Does she attend the other gatherings regularly?

I like to just put the food up and leave the rest for later. Primarily because I have such a small kitchen, and if we do it out on the deck, I don't like food sitting out because of bugs or the dogs. As a guest, I ask if I can help, and if I'm told no, then I will visit with the hostess while she cleans (while I do things like take out the trash or other little things). If she lets it sit, I let it sit.

Wait -- when she's the hostess and retires to the LR, she checks her e-mail? There's an etiquette issue there, no? (Unless she's waiting for a very impt text?) Maybe she's tweeting "Those women are at it again! They're in my kitchen!"

But I suppose that everyone nowadays checks their e-mail whenever... (well, not me -- I still have a "dumbphone")

Having a talk with that hostess that basically tells her she should be putting things away and cleaning? Oy. Way too hurtful a response. I would not do this. Unless, of course, you and the others just want to end that friendship right then and there.

I think it's probably hard for you not to feel guilty for not pitching in (if she declines your offer for help), but it sounds as if this has turned to resentment because she's not appreciative. Resentment builds, guilt not so much (IMHO). I'd just go with the flow with this gal, and do what's comfortable among the other hostesses.

After reading all the replies it occurred to me that perhaps she's not sure how to handle the situation either - you did say that she's extremely quiet. When she's checking her email is it because she's alone in the LR? A quick check of her email is one thing but if she does it for a long time while others are sitting with her then she's being rude.

It does seem like this has bothered you for a while- you said that everyone is "exhausted after dinner" and that she doesn't even say thank you. Has anyone ever asked her if she'd like help cleaning up after dinner? What does she do when she's invited to your home or one of your friend's?

Perhaps the next time this happens you could ask her quietly if she'd like help and then tell her that you feel unsure of what to do.

"It appears the real issue here is a need to be in control."

I agree. I would never take over someone's kitchen like that. I think it sends the message that the hostess isn't doing a good job of things, so *you* feel the need to step up and do what isn't being done. But it's likely the hostess is just going to toss the food out so she's not that worried about it spoiling. I feel if the hostess gets up and starts clearing, that's the cue to pitch in and help out and if she isn't worried about it, then just leave it and she'll deal with it in her own time. I just don't get the need to get up and take charge of things, and the other guests are just following suit so I think oakley that it is you who is making the situation awkward by doing this. It's her house and she can deal with the food and cleanup anyway she chooses, it's not a guests role to decide what should and shouldn't be done and in what time frame, even if it's done that way at everyone else's house. I also think it's just bizarre to do this and then secretly feel critical or resentful to the hostess for "expecting" it. she hasn't asked anyone to do anything so that's just conjecture on your part, she probably just feels she'll deal with it all later. I would be insulted if someone did this at my place, no matter how well I knew them because it would seem like they were making a statement.

If you are such good friends why aren't you discussing this openly and honestly with her?

Oakley, Oakley, Oakley ... Don't you know by now that we're a highly opinionated, outspoken bunch and when you ask us how we'd handle something, we're going to let you know pointedly? Sometimes it feels like you get ruffled because the responses aren't as "gentle" as perhaps you expected, but I honestly don't think any of what you possibly perceive as criticism is intended as personal indictment against you.

FWIW, I agree with those who say to always follow the lead of your host. If she sits in the living room, just sit with her and enjoy the evening without worrying what will become of the dirty dishes and the leftovers. The company you're keeping is far more important than those things.

Since you and the other women seem to be discussing this issue amongst yourselves, I am wondering why you don't include the quiet host. Maybe she is so quiet because she knows or feels that she is left out of some conversations, like the ones about how she runs her parties. (In my group of five or six couples, they are parties, sometimes casual, sometimes more formal, just for the heck of it.)

How do you "know" she "expects" her guests to cleanup? And, if that is the case, just clean up and be happy about it. If you resent it, don't do it. Just put your own away and leave the rest for her. And don't worry about it. It works for her.

It seems like such a simple problem to solve. Just ask her.

Maybe she's tweeting "Those women are at it again! They're in my kitchen!"

Priceless!

It is clear there are different views on casual dinner etiquette, but, at my house, we eat dinner, and sometimes sit around and chat for an hour or so (because usually we are too stuffed from dinner to have dessert yet) and THEN, when we are ready for dessert, I start clearing dinner things up, and serve dessert. Of course, ANYONE, can get dessert anytime they wish (mostly the kids want it asap) as it is out and available. We do not worry about the food sitting out for that long.

I would take it if someone started cleaning up 10 minutes after eating, they had somewhere to go! Part of hosting a dinner is sitting and enjoying everyone's company for awhile before having to clean up.

I never load anyone's dishwasher, but, I do help out, if they let me. My family normally lets me help, mostly by washing or drying the big pans used for cooking. I like to do my own cleanup though, especially load my dishwasher.

Whenever I bring food to someone's house, I don't assume I will bring it back home. If they offer, and I want it, I will (hopefully it will be gone though).

My family get-togethers are different than friend get-togethers, in that, each family almost always brings a side dish or whatever. My family ALWAYS helps with clearing and cleaning, and we do this at each other's house. I do have a SIL though, that insists on leaving early all the time (we think it is because she is too lazy to help clean up) and leaves her big-honkin' casserole dish for us to clean and deliver back to her! I know, not a big deal, but, it's just the fact we KNOW she's lazy. BUT, we've remedied that, by asking her to just to bring Chinette (only) paper plates and cups. Maybe she's happier now too!

Our large gatherings are mostly family, so after we're done eating, everyone just puts their plates into one of the dishwashers then goes back to the living room to enjoy the chatting. They know by now that no rinsing is needed and that all the china & silver I use is DW-safe. Putting 2 DWs in our kitchen was one of the BEST decisions we made on our remodel, and I always have them both empty at the start of a party.

Food putting-up is usually done a bit later, and is the understood in our crowd to be the signal that the party is 'kinda over'.

FYI - It's generally safe to leave food out for about 4 hours or so, though it's rarely that long.

If I'm the hostess, sometimes I'll try to scrape plates or load some glasses & run them through the dishwasher's express cycle -- I've gotten really fast & discreet at that (the advantage of a quiet dishwasher & not having an open kitchen floor plan). For some of our parties we've needed the clean dishes for nibblers, people wanting seconds, and extra dessert as the party runs late. Guests have had enough wine by then not to care :) Everything else, I'll let wait.

If I'm at someone's house, I'll follow their lead. I've got family members who are offended if you don't help with clean-up, and others who are offended if you DO help with clean-up.

Honestly, Oakley, I do get what you are saying. It sounds like in your family and friend circle that you gals have a good understanding of how you deal with clean-up. I also like to do a quick clean (throw the dishes in the sink and/or dishwasher, cover the food, refrigerate when necessary, and basically just wipe up the counter/table mess. We leave a lot of food out for seconds and snacks, and refrigerate things that will get soggy or could possibly spoil quickly. Our family sometimes visits for hours and it is not really comfortable to sit around visiting among food messes. I have an average size house and we tend to mix and mingle throughout the living room, dining room, kitchen bar etc.

I always do a thorough cleaning that night or the next day AFTER the company has left - a total cleaning of the counters, sweeping the floor, rearranging my serving pieces, etc.

One suggestion for your friend who doesn't help clean up. As others have suggested, she may not want everyone in her kitchen. On the other hand, she may not care! You might try suggesting "____ you have worked so hard preparing for us today, why don't we hop into the kitchen and help you clean up so you don't have to". If she says no, just let it be.

Olliesmom - your family gatherings sound like mine. I have the most awesome SIL's who ALWAYS help out, except for the one who always has to be somewhere else at DW time and she too leaves her nasty dish. She's the one who always shows up with the makings for a cheeseball or a dip and wants to make it AFTER she arrives! Now, that makes me furious!

Ugh Tuesday-my former SIL was the same way! She'd show up late to an event and have to make her dish on the premesis. I'll never forget how she was late to her stepson's wedding because she 'had' to stop at the store on the way. Right after the ceremony she disappeared to go make her salad for the dinner. It was pretty disconcerting on so many levels, not to mention that she was prepping this food outdoors next to the porta-potty.

And her daughters were plucking flowers from the table arrangements to decorate the cake they'd made. Yeegads.

The various points of view are helpful & some I wouldn't even think of. I think it depends on who is hosting the event; how good of friends everyone is; what's being served; & how long it lasts.

I'm usually the one hosting; its rare people even bring anything. We also like to put stuff away within reason; but we also bring out other foods; so there is always something out. Everyone that comes to my house is comfortable enough to help themselves to more salads if it's been thrown back in the fridge. We'll usually have an all day thing; people arrive at noon & can leave 8-10pm. We usually start with things like spinach dip & bread; cheese; pepperoni & crackers; veggie tray. I've learned to use smaller dip dishes; put out smaller amounts of deviled eggs & salads so most times; food does not spoil or if out too long; it can get chucked. I don't believe in wasting food; especially since everything has majorly gone up. When the grill gets going; the 1st cold foods go in the fridge & other cold foods (like salads) replace them.

What we use to eat on depends on how many people are coming. Some days we use paper plates while others we use plates. I've had to wash dishes in order to get more silverware; I don't entertain much these days; I don't think to break out plastic forks for birthday cake.

I've had parties where we left dishes & I've had them where we all pitch in to help clean up. Most of us were raised the same way; we pitch in to clean up so that the hostess doesn't get stuck preparing & cleaning up themselves. Not sure I've ever been to one where everyone did not pitch in. I don't normally use the dishwasher; but when we do; either I will load it or check the way it's loaded before it's run because there are things I don't normally put in. Everyone knows me enough to ask

Question to those that feel similar about these 2 random posts-

YOU seem to be the one who cares about the food going bad. What's wrong with leaving it right where it is and when you collect your dish, scrape the extra into the trash?

I don't understand the pressing need to store leftovers at a potluck. Nothing in the OP or subsequent explanations has convinced me that the hostess wants or expects the others to clean up her kitchen. Maybe she is so quiet and ignores the rest of the group because she knows these people are not really her friends

Who cares if the leftovers spoil -they'll likely be tossed anyway.

If your guests spent money to make a dish; wouldn't you worry that you're giving off the impression that their food isn't good enough to be worth saving since you plan to toss it anyway?

Short answer--- no. I don't take food to a potluck expecting to take the extra home. No one I know does, either. The cost is not really a factor and is usually minimal compared with the drinks, anyway. I guess if there were a guest in fragile economic circumstances present I would try to get all the leftovers together for that family. However, that scenario has never arisen.

I don't know that fragile economic circumstances is a reason to not expect to bring left overs home. We're certainly not in that position, but our circle generally brings home extras....perhaps not what they brought, but other food. Fixing up a plate has always been the norm in my life, and at every dinner party or food related event I've ever attended, left overs were freely offered, and taken by everyone.

Things like relish trays or appetizers, not necessarily, but certainly left over entrees, sides and desserts.

Pesky, I'm just saying that in our area where people don't normally divide up leftovers that I surely would if I thought they were really needed by one ofthe guests.

Rosevlr, I am LOL because I just realized that all those "random" comments you quoted were mine..... And I proceeded to agree with myself, duh! Sorry!

It depends whose house it is~when I'm at one of my kids, I have a tendency to 'take over', whether it be with cooking or cleaning up. I know it's much appreciated, that's why I do it. At the home of anyone else, I always ask, and if the hostess doesn't want help, I have no problem with it. In my own home, I also like to put food away immediately, and dishes in the sink. If guests ask to help, I have no problem saying yes, but if they, don't I'll sit down after I'm finished putting things away. On the flip side, I consider it rude if a guest doesn't at least ask. ;o)

I love having Dinner Parties!

One thing I do not like is to invite guests to dinner and expect them to help clean up in the kitchen. I think that is VERY poor etiquette!

They more than likely dressed in their Sunday best and certainly do not want to get it ruined.

When dinner is over I just tell my guests to enjoy the other company, while I put away the food. Then I am right back out there to enjoy them, also.

I have noticed...if a host stays in the kitchen too long...the party loses it glow and it is over and guests, one by one, begin to leave.

Moneek, I completely agree

When I was newly married and had moved out of state, I went home to see my mom, and stayed that weekend at my mom's best friend's home. Her name is Sue. (My mom still had 4 of my siblings at home.) Anyway, one night my mom came over and we all had dinner together at Sue's house. After dinner I started clearing plates and putting them in the sink to rinse off. Sue said something to me like please leave the dishes and I will do them later. I thought she was just be nice to me, and I just started rinsing the dishes. One of the pieces was a very pretty tea pot. As I dunked it into the water, Sue rushed over to save it. It had a music box in it, fully functional as a tea pot, but not to be submerged in water. That taught me a lesson, to listen to my hostess!

Diane

This is an older post but I'll weigh in too. How about if it's just you and your BF, because she dropped by at supper time and I cooked extra? I usually leave her sitting at the kitchen table talking to me as I do the dishes. Am I being rude? Should I sit down and talk until bedtime (she is notorious for staying late) and do dishes at midnight? yuck.

Moneek, I am curious, how do you happen to find this thread that is 3 1/2 years old?

d_gw...........Oh myyyyyy....I did not notice the date....silly me, hah.

I am so into proper etiquette and not very literate on this computer and while searching for something on Google, it appeared, out of nowhere and thought I would so much like to join in on the conversation.

It may not be the proper thing to do but I found what I thought was best and give my guests the best time at my dinner parties.

They always like to come back, as they say my atmosphere is so warm and welcoming.

Hi schoolhouse_gw

As you say, she dropped by and stayed for supper.....therefore, I think what you did was just fine..... especially if she might have stayed the night.

But...if she did not spend the night...I would have just soaked the dishes in the sink and did them the next morning.

Either way I feel was ok.

I just don't like my guests to do the dishes when I have invited them for a nice night of entertainment. Like when I go out to a nice fancy restaurant...how terrible it would be if I had to do the dishes before I left.

I love to be tended on...spoiled...just like I would spoil my guests, at MY Dinner Parties.

I will have to go back and read all the responses but here is mine.... In my group of friends and family we ask what can we do to help. In my home which is a Civil War Era farmhouse my kitchen is small....so I say help scrape the dishes and stack by the sink (I don't have a dishwasher because it would take up too much storage. My dishwasher was a relative that stayed with us for about a year while his home was being built...darn I miss him!) If it is casual they will help with getting the leftovers put away and I am big on sending leftovers so we have Gladware ready to send stuff home. At someones home (If it isn't my best friend or family) I ask what I can do and abide by what they ask.

When I am a guest, I always offer my help but do as the hostess asks. When I am the hostess I do NOT want people washing dishes and cleaning up. If they want to bring their plate from the table, I let them, but I prefer to do all that, also, as people generally just set dirty dishes all over the place and don't attempt to stack plates or bowls, put flatware in one place, etc., so the countertops instantly become filled with mess. I prefer to put food away after the meal, and maybe stack and organize the dirty dishes, but then I would rather enjoy the guests' company and clean the kitchen up after guests all leave. Besides, I had a guest (close family member) once start using a stainless steel scrubby on my sterling silver!!!!!!!!!! I quickly took it out of her hand and handed her a soft cloth to wash them with. I also do NOT like hunting for everything in the cupboards when others have put clean dishes away. I don't understand the 'out of sight no matter what' philosophy. I have an extremely organized kitchen for a reason, and I just prefer to do the work in it myself. I do happen to be a person who enjoys washing dishes and loading dishwashers. It is my down time when I reflect on the evening and other matters.