I have never seen (or heard about) a jar for donations at any family get together...And we have a big family with many parties.

If they were roasting a pig, I might see a cost sharing situation, but you are bringing your own meat...

ML

I would find the money jar perplexing also: you can put whatever amount you want in it though !!

a token amount to pay for their extra gas/charcoal ? or a donation in lieu of a hostess gift ?

I've never come across a situation like this.

I would chalk it up to the fact that some people are more tightfisted with their money than others, more conscious of money going out.

If it were just a normal potluck party, the donation jar would seem offensive. But it is a family reunion, and the group is saving the cost of renting a hall to hold the event. And the donation is voluntary. Unless I got there and found that the hosts had paid for something extraordinary, like a children's bounce house or a lifeguard for the pool, I might not feel the need to donate.

Frankly, I'd be grateful to a family member who annually opened up their home, gardens, and pool for a large family gathering. I think that "potluck etiquette" is an informal notion. Potlucks are by definition a kind of mutually-agreeable deal entered into by all participating parties. If you all gathered at a public park facility instead of a private home, you would all bring the dishes she has requested. The difference with your current arrangement is, you have comfortable and private grounds to enjoy.

I agree that having a donation jar is tacky. Guests are providing their own food and drinks, either cooperatively or individually, and I can't think why the hosts would ask for money. To defray the costs of paper plates and napkins? Condiments? Charcoal and toilet paper? Pool cleaning? Hefty bags? Those things should be part of hosting an event, I think.

The better part of valor as a guest would be to ignore the donation request, unless she starts to charge admission of course. You could also suggest hosting the event in rotation. That way you could do it and provide both the venue and the main dish, and ask guests to otherwise contribute what you feel would be proper as a true host. And dispense with the tip jar.

I guess if the host is providing paper goods and bathroom access, it's reasonable to request a donation to defray that cost although it seems a little tacky to do so.

I think maybe what is getting to you is the long list. A potluck to me usually means that you bring something to share. I can see why, if it is an extremely large party, that you bring your own meat to grill but, I don't agree with the tip jar.
I guess the fact that it is at their house means something. And I am assuming they are providing the paper goods?
We had a small reunion at my house one year. Each family brought a dish to share, but I provided everything else.

The donations jar is ridiculous. When we host a large family potluck (like Thanksgiving) at our house we consider it a privilege. We provide the paper products, all beverages, and usually the turkeys. When it's held at other family members' homes they provide the paper products and tea and coffee, and if people want something else to drink they bring that.

I have never heard of a donation jar to defray the expense of holding a BYO event at your home. I wouldn't put a dime in it.

The thing about a potluck is that everyone attending is supposed to contribute something. So everyone is bringing their own meat and drink and also bringing a dish to share, from the OP.

So my guess is that the host family's contribution is the paper plates and cups and bathrooms. And they probably had to clean the house and make everything company ready. I can see that as being equal to bringing a dish to share, at the very least.

But the donation jar bothers me. It seems to imply that the host family shouldn't be out any money for this event, even though all the other families are bringing things to share.

If you can't afford to host, even a potluck, then you shouldn't host. The point of a potluck is that everyone brings something, so that no one is faced with spending lots of money for the get-together.

While I think offering your house and pool for the reunion is a generous thing to do, the generosity of the act is completely cancelled out by the donation jar. I'm bringing my food and drink and extra food and my chair and you are asking for more?

The donation jar -- on top of all of the items listed -- seems excessive -- especially if the host/family is doing fine financially .... for a backyard potluck ...

Most of the time ... a potluck means that the host/family provides SOME (but not all) of the meal/drinks and usually most of the table items (plates/cutlery/glasses etc.) I can see why folks are asked to provide their own chairs ...

Yes ... perhaps if the host/family were providing a bouncy house/castle or something ... then I might agree to help out financially ....

I guess if the host is providing paper goods and bathroom access, it's reasonable to request a donation to defray that cost

If they are charging for the venue, they are no longer hosting anything.

No, I would not put out a donation jar for paper products or maybe decorations. It seems over the top especially if I'd be bringing everything else. I've been to potlucks where the burgers and dogs were provided, so I could almost see that.

I agree that the donation jar is tacky, and would not put anything in it either. You are already contributing by bringing the food.

"If they are charging for the venue, they are no longer hosting anything."

In the strictest sense, they are hosting because they are providing access to resources. An innkeeper can be said to host guests and a restaurant greeter/seater is called a host/hostess. In both cases, the guest is a paying guest.

I have never seen a donation jar either. At the least, the core of the family could chip in some cash behind the scenes.

This family member who is hosting has no problem spending a LOT of money on herself and family otherwise, including expensive cars, clothes, and electronics, all of which must be the very best. You could say she is a conspicuous consumer. So I perceive the donation request as somewhat selfish. I am sure there are some incidental expenses like charcoal and paper products, but nothing substantial. So the donation jar just seems so petty. No one is requiring that she host. It was her decision. Typically, about 50 - 75 people show up, and I just wonder what they think about the donation jar table.

Does it just say donations? I might ask if this was for a particular charity. ;) I am like that though. :)

I have not seen a donation jar since I was in college and it was usually for cups and kegs. Sounds very silly to me!

Does it just say donations? I might ask if this was for a particular charity. ;) I am like that though. :)
I have not seen a donation jar since I was in college and it was usually for cups and kegs. Sounds very silly to me!

Or she could ask if the donations are for cups and kegs, and if there will be beer pong. ;)

I have never seen a donation jar either. At the least, the core of the family could chip in some cash behind the scenes.

This family member who is hosting has no problem spending a LOT of money on herself and family otherwise, including expensive cars, clothes, and electronics, all of which must be the very best. You could say she is a conspicuous consumer. So I perceive the donation request as somewhat selfish. I am sure there are some incidental expenses like charcoal and paper products, but nothing substantial. So the donation jar just seems so petty. No one is requiring that she host. It was her decision. Typically, about 50 - 75 people show up, and I just wonder what they think about the donation jar table.

I agree that the donation jar is in bad taste.

Last year we hosted a family reunion for about 130 people. We rented grills, tents, a popcorn machine, a snow cone machine, tables and chairs, one of those fancy port-a-potties and a lifeguard. There was a per-person fee. Every family group brought their own food to grill and drinks. My cousin was in charge of collecting the money and there was a bit left over in the end. She gave it to us because we really did spend a lot on prep as far as the yard and flowers, etc. went. (I think it was $100).

It was worth it for us, we all had so much fun. Next time we're hoping to set up some sort of fun "family Olympics" kind of games and stuff for the kids. I think the bragging rights that go with hosting, comes with some cost.

Beth P.

I am completely unfamiliar with the "bring your own meat" concept. How does that work? Do you label your meat and the griller calls you when it's done? Do you stand in line to grill it yourself? Does it just get added to the pile of other people's meat and then everyone gets whatever they get? Do some people bring hot dogs and others bring filets? This is making me chuckle!

We have a neighborhood potluck every year and the same people host every year because their home is well situated at the end of a cul-de-sac. The hosts usually go in with a few other couples to purchase the meat for grilling, drinks and paper products. Everyone brings a side item picked from a category and a chair. If you have a portable table you bring that along as well. Sometimes they make a beer run during the party and donations will be taken.

What's great is that it's always billed as a neighborhood party. The hosts never act like it's their party and most everyone takes on a responsibility of cooking, serving, organizing or cleaning.

Kelly,
The bring-your-own meat deal is not individualistic. All meat gets grilled and is thrown in Nescos, usually with beer (not my preference at all). Then people help themselves. So you get what you get, I guess.

The one time I saw this done, each individual "owner" of the meat hung around the grill while his was being grilled and then it was handed back to him.

What is a Nesco?

I remember back when I was growing up my neighbors hosted a neighborhood cookout and people brought whatever "meat" they wanted as their main course. For the most part, everyone brought hamburgers and hot dogs for the kids especially, but some people preferred chicken or steaks. The men usually were all hanging around the grills together so if someone was having chicken, usually the father/husband would make sure it got to the right person in his family.

We have a potluck block party every 4th of July. It's actually right in front of my house b/c we live on a dead end, but we aren't the official hosts. Usually, two of my neighbors and I coordinate and now with evite, one of us sends out the invitation and then asks people to say in their RSVP what they are bringing. That way there isn't too much of one thing. People BYOB, but there is usually so much stuff that everyone shares. For main course, dh always does pulled pork, then others bring burgers/chicken and dogs. Those of us who coordinate it typically fill in with whatever is still needed once most people have RSVP'd. It's not a fancy thing. We can see the city fireworks over the bay from the end of our block so usually walk down there once it gets dark.

I used to be part of a group that did the bring your own meat and it was always individual- like graywings says.
There would be everything from hotdogs, steaks, swordfish, shrimp, lamb...it was fun and interesting to see what other people liked to eat and everyone was happy.

Kelly,
The bring-your-own meat deal is not individualistic. All meat gets grilled and is thrown in Nescos, usually with beer (not my preference at all). Then people help themselves. So you get what you get, I guess.

In Wisconsin, it's the brats that steal the show.

"What is a Nesco?"

I have to ask, too.

A Nesco is a portable roaster oven. Mine looks like a stainless steel elongated crock pot. I use mine in the summer to roast chickens and my MIL uses hers to cook hams for holiday meals.

I'm older than I want to say and have been to more potlucks in my life than I could possibly count. Never have I seen a donation jar!

The donation jar is tacky. If, like Bethpen's situation, a lot of things are being rented and there is a per family charge that would be fine but to ask me to basically provide my own meal and then expect a tip is beyond the pale.

I don't like pot lucks. In my experience, there are too many people who don't care about food and bring junk. Maybe I'm a control freak, maybe I enjoy food but the one I go to every year is just awful foodwise. I eat BEFORE I get there since it's all grocery store baked goods and packaged chips. That host hires, at their own expense, a bouncy castle, a snow cone machine, a beer truck, burgers, hot dogs, and buns. It gets 100+ people during the event. And still the food is junk.

Even though I eat before I go, I still bring a platter of tomato, mozzarella, and basil with balsamic & evoo on the side since my husband does eat there. The tomato-mozzarella thing is the first item to go, because it's just about the only non-packaged thing there.

Hhireno, I wouldn't want to go to a potluck like that. Fortunately, most of my neighbors are foodies so we all make our own unique things and typically, it's all very good.

For several years, my neighbors hosted a ladies' game night. Every month we'd play a different game. The neighbor always provided the main course, then we'd each bring a corresponding dish - sides, appetizer, dessert. Eventually, we stopped playing games and just ate dinner, but it was fun and I got some really good, new recipes from those gatherings. We haven't done one in a long while as we all got too busy.

The only time I really see a lot of store bought stuff at potlucks is if they are school related or really large gatherings. It sounds like the one you go to is pretty big with over 100 people!

Never have I seen a donation jar at a party or potluck either. We usually assign an item for guests to bring (sides, chips, dessert) and provide the protein (we have alot of vegetarians) if someone brings extra meat, shrimp, brats, whatever, its generally that they get their choice first and any extras go to the communal platter. Most BYOB and sodas, if we run out of beer, there is a donation backed run.

This kind of reminds me of the couple in Canada who raised a big stink to a guest who had the gall to bring a picnic basket of goodies gift to the wedding instead of giving them a several hundred dollar cash gift.

A donation jar? when all they're 'donating' is charcoal?

My evil twin suggests putting a lump of charcoal into the donation jar. Might send a message ;-p

I am not a 100% vegetarian, but I am moving in that direction more and more. In this part of the country, it is practically assumed that people eat meat. Even at formal wedding dinners, there is often no meatless main dish choice (i.e. chicken and beef only).

I also drink alcohol only rarely, as I am into distance running and fitness, but again, it's practically assumed that people drink alcohol at almost any event (or non-event) in this part of the country. Our state has a drinking problem, for sure.

The problem is that it is difficult to bring up these issues with hosting family members because they may be offended if it were suggested that meatless MAIN choices (there are typically plenty of meatless sides) should be provided, for example. Or, in the case of declining alcohol, one may be viewed as a prude.

Ahh . . . I digress.

When my youngest decided to become a vegetarian, I was supportive and we talked about what would happen when she was invited to dinners and BBQ's.
We both decided that there was always something that she could eat and this wasn't her last meal. If she wan't prepared to bring her own meatless entree than she would make due with what was offered. She once made a grilled cheese sandwich on the grill, which I thought was smart.
That said, relatives are different. When I host, I know who won't eat what and plan accordingly. Once I had to laugh at my mish mash of food offerings! Everyone was appreciative though because they knew what specific dish was made on their behalf.
Jan, I hear what you are saying. My daughter went to for two years in Madison before transferring out. Brats and beer flying all over the place.
Be true to yourself and don't give what others think a second thought. Bring your meatless entree, or just eat the sides. It's a party, and really you are there to enjoy each others company, food should be secondary.