Hon, you teach people how to treat you. You teach people how to treat you. You teach people how to treat you.

Now, relax and breathe.

I don't know HOW to teach people (esp. people I hardly ever see or speak to - and have to speak to indirectly since even when DH is on the phone with them he never offers to hand the phone to me). We'll get through tomorrow, I'm sure ds remembers the aunt who taught him about "ice cream soup" and DD will be shy at first but then will be gabbing away to her aunts about school and the filed trip and "I'm 5!". But how to I ensure that this doesn't happen again?

Ajsmama I have a beautiful pink handled gun if you want to borrow it. I will pay for the shipping and handling.

Honey I wouldn't lose another minute of sleep over those sister in laws. You think they would have more pride then that, but they don't. So just be yourself and don't worry about the house or dinner or where they are going to sleep. If it were me I would go with my husband and have a nice dinner with all of them. Order a big juicy steak you deserve it.

....Jane

Note: Get some rest tonight and don't lay there and worry about them.

What can I say? I'd be shopping for a wig right about now, since I would have pulled my hair out!!

Well, just clear off a spot in the house so you can chat and have coffee & dessert after your dinner at a local restaurant. They'll see you had reason to ask them to postpone their visit.

And there is no need to apologize for the condition of your home. You're in the middle of "stuff" for goodness and that's what it's supposed to look like!!

Now, relax and breathe.

They've been talking about this (OK, 2 conversations with DH, none with me) for over a month - the 3 of them were probably planning it 2 months ago, WHY????? couldn't they have let us know, what was it, 3 weeks ago that they were still coming?

My cousin was here about 2 weeks ago cutting shoe to cover gap on kitchen counters, fixed my broken cabinet (builder), took some crown with him to do mitred returns. He asked when my houseguests were coming, I said I don't think they are - and he hasn't been back since! If we had known they were even stopping by, I would have had him cut all the wood to length so I could store it in the closet (basement too damp right now for unfinished wood - running dehumidifier so hopefully won't ruin the leftover cherry flooring). He would have made time to come back and put up more baseboard and the kitchen window trim that is finished and leaning against my BR wall. DH and I could have put up the curtains that are sitting in a box in my LR on the rods under the DR table and the LR window just to hide the missing (DR) and unfinished (LR) trim, put up the matching Romans in the FR even if no trim and existing sills. I could have made this place look SOOO much better! But I can't do it by myself tomorrow!

BREATHE Ok, at least I can clear off the island countertop, put knives I was going to give to Goodwill in the basement til I get there, "hang" the finished trim for the sides of the island that is lying on my BR floor on the countertop even if I can't nail it up (no compressor!), clean it after DD eats lunch, make sure her artwork is put away in the drawer, and pick up or make something for dessert. Everyone stands around the island anyway, or kids will eat there and adults can eat dessert sitting on sofa and LS in FR. Hah! and we just went out tonight b/c I didn't want to cook roast with a 7pm meeting, and didn't have enough ground meat out to make anything besides enchiladas (which we had last night).

Nothing I can do about the 2 finished window frames/trim leaning against my BR wall - unless I want to try to loosely tack them in place with finish nails (prefer to have nail gun so I don't have to set nails). Or just forgive 2 more untrimmed windows and stick them in the master bath behind the boxes of crystal LOL!

The front porch plantings are halfway done too - I can cut off more dead daffodils, but not sure I'll have time to run out and get more mulch (and spread it!) tomorrow.

Maybe I'll try to get the Romans up tomorrow - I can at least mark and drill the holes, mount the brackets myself. Maybe even get them in, though that might take 2 adults. I know I can't do curtain rods myself - esp. 86" long one. Maybe my mom can help if she's not busy. My dad is useless at stuff like that - we had an argument 11 years ago about how to drill a hole in back of vanity for plumbing. Don't want to have him help hang WTs.

My mom would say, you have to "lay down the law." Tell your husband there are now rules starting as soon as they leave. No exceptions. It's the law of the land. All potential guests must directly contact you, not him. Since the burden is on you already, you are taking over the entire process. If he does decide to be the contact person, he must get your approval first. Simple. If he fails to follow the rules, he must make the call and take the blame himself. He should be prepared to clean up the little mess he made himself without blaming you. Lay down the law. Not by fighting or crying or whining. You're just going to set him straight.

My DH would never, ever in a million years, ever get away with this. He wouldn't even try it. I just would not stand for it. I would have grabbed the phone and called them direct. "Now is a disaster of a time. I am way too stressed out by our living situation/remodel." Tell them you are living in a storage container/sawmill environment. Complete with a hectic life and kids. Maybe *you* need to visit *them* just to get away because it's driving you crazy. Ha ha ha! BTW, DH, God love him, but he just doesn't get it sometimes. Has he always been like this? Ha ha ha. (Happy talk)

You need to work your way into that family and wrestle the power away from DH.

My DH's family loves me and I am not a doormat. Not one bit. Note to DH, next time you sense something like this brewing: "Remember, you need to have them call me directly or go through me before you decide anything in this department. Otherwise, you may find yourself with your foot in your mouth." Then smile sweetly at him and drop the subject. (It helps to have the next subject planned out and make it about him. Like, "So how did x y z turn out at work today?")

Free advice alert. :+)

golddust - I would LOVE to call SIL(s) but I don't know their cell phone numbers or where they're stating. Believe me, when he told me, I didn't care it was 10pm, I would have called then. I don't know what he told them at 9, but if I had been here I would have asked them if they were out of their ever-lovin' minds?! Guess it was a good thing I wasn't here ;-)

DH treats me like I'm being unreasonable when I yell "at him" when something like this happens - like I have no right to be upset when we discussed this a month ago? Like he has no control over the situation (OK, maybe he doesn't have any control over his sisters, but come on, he apparently told them it was OK to stop by - either that, or he'd have to check with me, in which case I look like the bad guy essentially telling him that he has to meet them somewhere else, they can't even step foot in my house, even though HE was the one who suggested that HE - and he alone? - met them somewhere?)??

We haven't had many "family" situations in the past 20 years just b/c his family lives so far away and don't speak often. But yes, his general personality is quiet, and kind of passive-aggressive. He won't argue or fight with me, even when I'm upset about something and naturally (for me) raise my voice. He tells me I'm "yelling at him" and leaves the room. Gives me the silent treatment for a while and does things like turn on BR light while I'm still sleeping at 6am.

You know, don't do any more work for this visit. It will only make you more tired and more resentful. Don't worry about what these ladies may think. Let them come over for a few minutes just before you all go out to dinner. And have a really good meal, dessert even. Relax, make the best of it. Don't let this "surprise" bring you down. It's just another day.

Maybe place of list of upcoming projects on the frig in BIG letters so they can see it. That way they may feel guilty for coming on such short notice. Good luck and remember RELAX!!!

I agree with not doing any more work before they come. Let them see why you were reluctant to have them come at this time. And tomorrow, since you will be face to face with them, ask them for their email addresses and phone numbers. You can make a kind of joke out of it - like "men, you just can't get them to communicate!", and ask them to call/email you directly - open the lines of communications between you and the sisters.

Please please please do NOT clean up your house or frantically tackle projects now. Wash the dishes, pick up any laundry that the family has dropped here and there, and DO NOT DO ANYTHING ELSE. You have nothing to apologize for, so don't do that, either. "Guests" deserve whatever they get when they walk in virtually unannounced. Buy something to serve with coffee that you all can have after coming home from dinner at a restaurant.

Have a good time without worrying about it - for your children's sake. Then, after the sisters-in-law have gone, drop the hammer, if you can.

My DH would not dream of doing this to me. He knows that he might not be safe asleep if he sprang family members on me with so little notice. Even my beloved DSs and DDILs know better than to show up with less than 24 hours notice, unless it's a real emergency.

Living with a quiet, passive-aggressive person can be exhausting. You have my sympathy.

SO, no more work? Gee, and I was thinking of pulling insulation out around windows and putting in the spray foam tomorrow. I still have a big bag of fiberglas in the office I pulled out from around that window - haven't decided if we can reuse it somewhere or if it should go in trash. I really don't want to put up the WTs until I've gotten that done (will have to take down the 4 romans we've got up in FR to do big window and slider).

"Oh, gee, I'm sorry to have you come and catch the house looking like this. I thought DH told you were were still finishing the house, I didn't know you were still coming..."

Actually, I just checked the freezer - we have half a cream pie left from Mother's Day, but it was hard enough to cut half into 6 slices, don't think I can manage 7. So maybe dessert out (or buy something while we're out, come back here - "oh, I'm sorry, I was so busy today I didn't have time to get anything.") sounds good.

I managed to hide most of the loose baseboard in the FR behind the sleeper, just have one 16ft long piece I can't hide. It's bowed anyway - only good for shorter pieces, maybe not even the 13 ft wall I had planned it for. Not sure I can get anything out of DR into FR (esp w/o banging up walls/ceilings) by myself, even if I had room for it.

Yeah, I am resentful. Might as well just let it all hang out. Did I mention it's "that" time? Yeah, I'm going to be perfectly charming tomorrow - esp. if I don't get some sleep. But I don't fell like going to bed. Guess I won't have time to get work done tomorrow I promised director for Friday (have to pick up materials tomorrow). Or maybe I'll just honor my commitments (DH has to work, so do I even if it's volunteer) and not worry about trying to do more than vacuum and mop, make the beds, and put away clean clothes? At least I cleaned bathrooms yesterday (mirror will need a quick wipe after DH flosses, but I clean that d*mn mirror twice a day anyway - and didn't do a great job this AM, it can wait til tomorrow - I'm done cleaning it at midnight each night b/c it's gunky by 7am anyway).

Dust - who dusts? I vacuum up the sheetrock dust each day I finish sanding. DD can dust edges of tables now that I've got the papers off of them, I'm not dusting the ceiling fans or light fixtures (not even the ones that are actually wired and not sitting in pieces on tables somewhere). And I just poured water down the drains in the master bath this w/e so the upstairs doesn't smell like sewer any more - as long as it doesn't rain tomorrow. So just a little light housework and it'll be fine.

Just do a quick stuff-and-run. Run through the house and stuff everything in a closet to sort out later.

When in doubt, dim the lights low. That hides many a sins. :0D

What? First rule. Get everyone's phone numbers. You need to have an address book. I thank DH's ex every time I need a number or address from his distant or far away relative. She kept good records and I'm thankful for that. She left her address book behind when she exited stage left (thank you). Now, almost 26 years later, I still reference her. With full gratitude and admiration of this not so little talent. I don't have the talent, at all. But I've grown to know the need. It's 26 years later, yet I still depend on her records so much. I know her writing so well, I think I could forge her name. (I would never do anything like that). I'm digressing.

Yelling is non productive. Totally. You can't be wearing any victim hat as a mate. Claim your position in your family and claim your life while you are at it. Victim hood just confuses the situation and sends him away in the end, back into his family who only makes him more confused.

Declare this give our men a break day. Understanding is the key to your own empowerment. Don't miss a single chance.

Being a mate is an art and you need to be the creating artist. Claim your title, because it's a big job. Men are puffer fish and women are trout.

Again, free advice is valued by what it costs. Mine costed you nothing. Take note.

Let me clarify - yelling to DH is anything over what we tell a kid is "inside voices". I DO raise my voice - but not even as loud as I've heard people at work (then again, 22 years around sailors, I've heard a lot of screaming and cussing). But DH was in the Army - he should know I don't scream like a DI. If I didn't wake the kids, even with DD's door open, I don't think it was "yelling" and while I was upset with him at first for not being clear with his sisters and not understanding their schedule was (how could he not know they were still planning on coming this week?), it did change to being upset with them for not being clear with him that they were going to be in the area now and want to see us. I don't mind them coming to see us (wonder what they're in New England for?), if they couldn't reschedule that's fine, but I would have liked the past month to get ready with the projects that most impact guests (like getting baseboard nailed up instead of stuffed behind furniture) and would have held off with the ones that could have waited (like foaming the windows and joining up casings - it's a lot easier to store 3 separate pieces in a closet than a 3-sided "frame")

I will get phone numbers and email addresses. I don't understand the "fish" references?

If anybody's wearing a "victim hat" it's DH - he goes around all the time with an attitude like "I'm married to such a *itch". He knew I was an emotional person when he married me. I don't hide my feelings. If I'm upset, I cry, I "yell". If I'm excited, I raise my voice. I haven't changed - but he's gotten quieter, like he's just soldiering through a day at a time.

We can't have any discussions at all b/c if I express an opinion in a quiet voice, he ignores it and does what he wants (which most of the time ends up being nothing at all - like making reservations for a vacation). If I bring it up again, I'm nagging. If I get upset then I'm unreasonable. So I just stop asking.

Deep breath. I hate to say this, Ajsmama dear, but you've been boxed into this corner by your DH. While it's entirely possible that his sisters are rude enough to invite themselves, I just don't buy that your husband couldn't have stopped this if he had really wanted to. What you've described sounds like classic passive-aggressive behavior. Passive-aggressive people are very adept at making others look unreasonable. When someone starts yelling at them, they take it as confirmation of their views and feel justified in not communicating in a healthy way. It really doesn't matter whether your husband didn't want to say "no" to his sisters or whether he actively wanted them to visit in spite of your reservations about the timing. The bottom line is that he put your preferences at the bottom of his list. He will continue to treat you this way as long as you tolerate it.

These are HIS guests. Let him have all of the fun of hosting. Don't clean anything. Spend the day doing your volunteer work. I wouldn't be home that evening, but you probably aren't wired that way. So, when the guests arrive, not one word of apology for the state of the house! Don't cook. Be sweet and friendly. Cheerfully, announce to the sisters that things have been ever so hectic and that DH is taking you all out to dinner!

Call me suspicious, but don't be surprised if they are visiting for more than one evening. There's a very good chance that the original plan is still in place and DH just isn't telling you.

Amen to what everyone else told you. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting different results. You keep expecting your husband to change. He will not change unless you change your behavior with regard to how you deal with it. There is no way in he!! my DH would ever pull anything like that because I would not tolerate it. And I agree about his passive-aggressive behavior. Passive-aggressive people need to be the ones in control, and he sure is. Stop him dead in his tracks. Now.

I'm not surprised to see this post. I thought I replied to your other one but don't see that I did.

My MIL was here last year, 1st time she stayed with us. I made sure I knew the plans, plus I emailed her. Like you, I'm not close with my hubby's family; but he knows that if anyone comes, we both know about it.

If I was you, I would go log in to your cell phone bill and get their phone numbers yourself. Don't have their email addy? Tell your hubby to send it to you now. This wouldn't happen again.

As I said, I'm not surprised they are coming, and I'm surprised that you are. Last I read the post, you knew there was a chance they were coming. I don't think your house looks bad, and what do they expect? You now have to make due with what you have. Clean up as good as you can; and if it was me, my hubby would be helping too and be done with it.

When they get there explain (jokingly) that you didn't realize they were actually coming, and next time could they please firm up with you? I'm sure they know their brother and would understand. I would also find out about hotels.. because I wouldn't be surprised if they are staying.

I agree with everyone that said you're boxed in, but I see it a little different. You had 1 month to step in and communicate directly with them. You know your DH; you know your SIL's.. I guess what I'm trying to say is you're getting walked on because you're laid back. If things like this matter and are a big deal (and they are, you have 2 posts) you need to learn to step up and have your own voice.

Marriage takes 2. Mine has been far from perfect but 10 years later we do work as a team. It was a long road getting here; some days I was let in on plans he had, others he told me the night before (if he was fishing). He used to feel I might be controlling, now he understands why we make decisions together.

"I don't know HOW to teach people (esp. people I hardly ever see or speak to - and have to speak to indirectly since even when DH is on the phone with them he never offers to hand the phone to me)."

I am going to approach this from a different direction. I don't think the problem is with your husband or his sisters. To me it seems the problem is between *you and your husband*. Both of you. Reading the statement above, it is utterly mystifying to me how and why 20 years into a marriage, you are seemingly unable to speak directly with your inlaws. And as with most of marriage's stressors, I suspect this surface situation -- relatives imposing -- is the tip of a relationship iceberg that is way too deep to hash out in an online forum. I recall you mentioning in the previous thread that your relatives live in the same area as your family, that they literally have walk-in privileges and are at your house often etc. I wonder if there is a passive-aggressive component to the dynamics of this issue with you and your husband?

Anyway, I am aware this probably sounds very unsympathetic but after working with a therapist on some of my own marital issues, I've become more convinced than ever that the bottom line for any relationship is COMMUNICATION. I think you and your husband would probably benefit enormously from finding someone to whom you can work through the real issues behind the seemingly obvious one of inconvenient visits. It's there, and it is something that clearly is ongoing between you two.

Meanwhile, hope the whole thing doesn't turn out to be a disaster. Sometimes when one is angry and stressed and hormonal, situations erupt in very unpleasant ways. And going back to the passive-aggressive aspect, if you are nasty to the inlaws you can bet that it's going to be one of those 'She was such a witch, I don't know how he puts up with it' family tales in a heartbeat. Again, beneath the surface there it is: something off between you and your man, which ends up reflecting badly on you.

My best advice is to disengage if you can't be gracious--not that you necessarily have to be gracious but taking out the frustration you have on your inlaws is only going to ratchet up what already sounds like a long-going touchy situation. And it won't change the dynamics one bit. In fact it will just reinforce them.

Good luck,
Ann

"Oh, gee, I'm sorry to have you come and catch the house looking like this. I thought DH told you were were still finishing the house, I didn't know you were still coming..."

is being nasty and taking out my frustrations? That was exactly what I was going to say to them, b/c I *didn't* know they were still coming (and DH says he didn't know either).

DH and I definitely have a problem communicating - and I don't know how to fix it. But we'd better find someone to teach us, b/c this is really the last straw. We've both been stressed from building the house, and he's worried about his job (he won't say anything in particular, just the economy I guess nobody's safe). But I can't stand this any more.

The only relatives who have "walk-in" privileges (combo to garage door opener and keys to house) are my parents and I'm thinking of changing the combo b/c it REALLY bugs me that my Dad will just drive up without calling first and open the door, let himself in and yell "hello" from the mudroom. Mom never stops by unexpectedly, though she will open the door and come in if we're not home b/c I'm running errands and we've agreed to meet at my house b/c she wants to pick up DD. One time Dad even let himself in and cooked lunch b/c I had venison and Mom won't let him cook it in their house - but we weren't even home! I came home to find frying pan and dirty dishes in the sink! I had told him he could cook it over here, but I never thought he'd do it when we weren't home. And yes, I let Dad walk all over me b/c if I say something we get in a huge fight, and he *has* done a lot for us (not even including raising me).

Enough already, geez.

You can make this easy or you can make yourself crazy - it's your choice.

In my opinion, "We're going to have company for a few hours tomorrow night" requires no preparation on your part. They are not sleeping at your house, they don't have to eat at your house. You do not have to clean or re-arrange anything, and in fact, the worse it looks, the better.

Putting all of the family drama aside, all you need to do is make yourself presentable enough to greet them at the door, invite them in to see the chaos, and then take them somewhere for dinner or dessert or coffee or ice cream and spend a couple hours talking.

Buy a big cake somewhere , it would be a shame to have to go out when they're there for a few hours only. At this point, just go with the flow, I agree with others above, don't kill yourself cleaning,show them how you live, it"s good enough for you. You need their phone numbers, you ask them and write them down, email addresses also.

I've never relied on DH to let me know about plans even concerning his own family. Don't wait for your husband to change, jump the gun and establish your own contacts with them. What if something happened to your husband, you'd need to get a hold of them.

enjoy the visit, laugh it off, think about it, only a sense of humor can excuse all the wood you have lying around....lol.....

Putting all of the family drama aside, all you need to do is make yourself presentable enough to greet them at the door, invite them in to see the chaos, and then take them somewhere for dinner or dessert or coffee or ice cream and spend a couple hours talking.

Exactly. It's only one evening out an entire lifetime. It probably won't be nearly as uncomfortable as you're imagining -- things rarely are.

Wow. Your situation reminds me of some things I've experienced in the past.

First, I think you should get your DH screened for depression. My DH exhibited similar behaviors (P/A, said I was 'yelling' if I spoke above whisper, moody, etc) and he finally got on meds and he's back to the man I loved. He may be more concerned about his job than he's letting on, and the pressures of the reno, etc may be pushing him over the edge.

Then, get thee to counselling. You are letting waaaay too many people pull you in too many directions. Changing the locks on your door is not going to make the situation with your dad any different. And trust me, you do not owe your parents to the point where they can continue to treat you as a child. Regardless if he's helped with the reno, using your home at his whim is way out of line.

Your volunteer obligations should not make you feel that they can't do it without you. Learn to say NO. I once was giving too much of me to my volunteering that something was going to have to give. Ultimately, I dropped the volunteering and know what? It gone along fine without me.

Forget about the house and cleaning it. Even let the dirty dishes stand out for that matter. The house in disaray isn't going to change your SILs opinion of you, especially if DH has already planted the seed of you being a witch. Oh believe me...been there done that! If they haven't formed their opinions, and they're from a backround of boisterousness, they'll understand completely what you're going through. They'll probably chide DH for being such a brat for not spilling the details to you. If they're judgemental and cold to you...do you need that type of relationship in your life?

I know you're concerned about your kids knowing their family Well...my kids had very little time with their Aunts & Uncles growing up. Now that they're adults, thanks to the internet, they've caught up with them and formed new relationships on an adult level. They don't seem to regret not knowing them growing up. And, it DOES take two...your SILs CAN contact your kids...cards only cost 44 cents to mail!

Sometimes we have to step off our martyr pedestal and become humble. Sorry, but really, if you get down to it, we try to be superwoman and be sooo perfect and then we secretly cry about how we're so unappreciated. Once we stop and realize WE ARE OUR OWN BEST FRIEND and the world really won't come to an end if we're not there to 'fix' it...we become much happier.

Good luck to you. I hope that after this vist you have some answers to how to relate to DH's family...and you seriously look at making a change in your life. You and your DH and your kids deserve to be happy.

""Putting all of the family drama aside, all you need to do is make yourself presentable enough to greet them at the door, invite them in to see the chaos, and then take them somewhere for dinner or dessert or coffee or ice cream and spend a couple hours talking. """

Exactly. Clean one bathroom. Just maybe they have a reason (need?) to see their brother. I know that there are times when I stop by to talk with mine.

ML

While you have them captive, get a child to get them to write down their cell phone numbers, email addresses, and any other info that DH has and you don't. (Although he does sound like he needs a whomp with the clue-stick.)

Only an ungracious auntie would refuse a charming child such useful information.

If I was in your position, I'd show up in a bathrobe, an IV on a stand, an oxygen tank and mask and a look of complete exhaustion. If asked, assure them you're probably not really contagious. Maybe.

OK, I looked up SIL's cell phone number in DH's address book (hope he doesn't get mad at me), they expect to be here around 5 tonight, we're going out for Chinese, they want to leave Sat and were planning to find a motel. I figured it was only a couple nights, said I'd look for a motel if they weren't comfortable staying here, but it was an option - we'd just have to work out sleeping arrangements since DH has work and the kids have school. It really is ridiculous to drive to an area and not have any idea of where to find a motel at 7pm when you've got family there - my whole point is that if we had been able to confirm that this was the only available date, I could have been better prepared. There must have been some miscommunication somewhere b/c this was the only time they could get off from work and they were definitely coming, just figured they'd find a motel since DH said we couldn't have them (or something to that effect - I told SIL both kids have school tomorrow so if they want to see them they need to hang around a bit Saturday).

I'm going to try to find a halfway decent motel - my mom is in meetings all day so I can't ask her where to put people up (most of her conferences are in the city anyway, unless there's a nice place by the airport it's too far away). At least then they won't be driving around after dinner trying to find some place.

At least I got all the tools and joint compound and stain and paint in the basement. Made some room in DD's closet. Vacuumed, took out papers and recyclables, and picked up the trash the bear scattered all over the yard last night (and I thought it was DH bumping around upstairs right after he went up!). I'll mop the tile, clean the toilets and countertops, make the beds and that's it. Then go look at motels.

So I'm washing sheets now, figure since DH gets up earliest, put him on sleeper, Ds with him or in sleeping bag somewhere, DD in my bed, 2 SILs in DD's bed and 1 in DS's twin? My dad can't find the pump to the air bed. Is it reasonable to expect a middle-aged woman to sleep in a twin bed (I won't worry about 2 in a full, I think they'd be doing that in motel anyway)?

Gotta go get that stuff from preschool - then I'll be back to finish cleaning after checking out some motels with DD ;-)

"If asked, assure them you're probably not really contagious."

Ohhh! That is wickedly great advice! Do that.

My inlaws do this A LOT. They always came without warning, not even to my DH. When we used to live 1 hour away from my in-laws, they would come and if I weren't home, they would take our hidden key and got inside and made themselves at home. Once my neighbor frantically called me on my cellphone while I was out shopping because she saw somebody climbing into my house via the window, turn out it's my FIL. Another time I came home to DH's cousins & their kids. She was washing the dishes for me, her DH was firing up the bbq and the kids have set up the slip-n-slide, all this while I was away shopping ! :-)

When my MIL came it was the worst, because she would inspect everywhere and then gave me a lecture on how to keep house. It drove me crazy. Of course they would always come when I was about to embark on a major project, so they can give me a lecture on "wasting my DH's hard earned money fixing this dump up" :-D To the point that everytime I break out a can of paint, DH would go defrost the steak because he knows his parents are coming LOL ;-D

They haven't called me yet but I'm going to clean the house & buy some grocery because I have the feeling they are coming this memorial weekend (unannounced, ofcourse!)

You have 24h notice, clean the bathroom, and the bedroom if they are staying over. cook them a good meal if you have the energy, if not, then propose to eat out or order in. I wouldn't stress out too much :-D Maybe if you give them a good time w/ lots of wine & alcohol, they would be too drunk to notice the messy house? :-)

Sounds like you have caught in a maze of family dynamics on both sides. These patterns are like a maze -- and can take years to establish -- and sometimes just as long to untangle -- even a bit!

First -- yes -- tidy your home as best you as you can. Then stop. And breathe. Be gracious and very firm about getting all of the necessary phone numbers (you'll say: "Welllll, its always SO handy to have ALL of the contact numbers -- just in case of emergencies!!") Smile. Ask about their lives. Tell them about your busy but wonderful schedule. And family.

Next -- after the visit -- Tackle the basics about family communications on BOTH sides. Your DH probably grew up and learned to live in a passive-agreesive manner. It works well for him (he needs to be seen as The Good Brother?) -- so why would he change? O.K. Breathe.

And fix any communications issues with YOUR side FIRST. NEXT -- establish communications with HIS sisters -- just a phone call here and there ..... very light and very friendly. Practice scheduling activities with BOTH sides. Practice and keep repeating (in a friendly neutral voice) "It is GREAT to hear from you! -- LET me just check the FAMILY schedule and get back to you right away" And then DO that! Thats how Salesmen work their magic -- it is called The Broken Record. Practice and Repeat Until Heard.

NOW -- after you've worked on YOUR side and established YOUR boundaries about scheduling -- THEN work on your DH's background story -- and why he feels he needs to please the sisters all of the time? What would happen to him if he displeased them? What is his role (perceived role Or real one) in the family?

Just some thoughts ......

Jan

"If asked, assure them you're probably not really contagious."

Trust me, whatever you have is most definitely contagious. I think I've caught it from here.

You're just hoping it isn't the swine flu. You were visiting your friend when she came down with it. She's finally out of the hospital and you are trying to avoid her same fate, but come on in...

LOLOLOL!

Let me tell you a story...

Once upon a time there was this woman married to a very sweet, well-meaning but occasionally dense beyond belief guy.

This couple had embarked upon a DIY kitchen remodel in December 2007 that in August 2008 was still far from complete. At that time, the hardwood floor was installed but unfinished, the refrigerator (functional) and stove (non-functional) were sitting in the now-unusable dining room, there were no doors or drawers in the cupboards and there was construction debris and tools everywhere.

This woman loved to entertain but did NOT want anyone in the house under such circumstances. She and her husband had many conversations regarding this and it was understood that all invites were on hold until the kitchen was at least back into functional order and the floor was finished.

This woman commuted 124 miles round-trip in SF Bay area traffic to a job that was interesting, but also demanding and challenging. Her only wish on coming home was to find a few hours of peace, calm and quiet - preferably in the intimate company of her still newlywed-feeling husband.

The woman's birthday fell on a Friday in August. Sitting at work that day, she got am IM from her husband. "When are you coming home?" Probably around 7:30 depending on traffic. "Oh. Can you get home any earlier? Maybe before 5?" I'll see what I can do. Husband was no good at keeping secrets at all. She suspected something was up. Her mind started thinking. Hmm, birthday + need to be home by a certain time + kitchen (whole house, honestly) a disaster area = romantic dinner reservations to celebrate birthday, perhaps?

Woman rearranges schedules and gets matters at work wrapped up so she could leave early. After all, it was her birthday. As she drove home, thoughts of a romantic, elegant candlelit dinner in the City (one of her favorite things) played through her head. She finally pulls up into their driveway, walks inside and gues what she sees? A kitchen counter not only full of tools, but also hamburgers, hotdogs, chips, etc. and a husband busily scrubbing down the chairs and grill out on their patio.

You guessed it. He went and bought a whole bunch of grilling/BBQ stuff and invited over the whole extended family to celebrate her birthday. She took a deep breath, grumbled under her breath, went and changed out of her work clothes and spent two hours cleaning and organizing and putting things away so that at least some areas of the kitchen would be functional. Husband and his sister took over the bulk of the hosting and clean-up detail though the birthday girl still had to do some of the work. The evening, despite all of this, turned out to be rather enjoyable.

After things had settled down, she sat her husband down and had a talk with him. She made it quite clear that while she appreciated the thought, she did not appreciate her husband agreeing to one thing (no guests/gatherings) and then turning around and doing the exact opposite. Not only that, but having to come home and do all that work after a long, tiring week was NOT her idea of a good time or a happy birthday. He got the message and has not repeated this exercise.

P.S.: She got her wonderful, romantic dinner for two in the City the next night.

Hopefully your story will have a happy ending as well.

DH and I definitely have a problem communicating - and I don't know how to fix it. But we'd better find someone to teach us, b/c this is really the last straw.

Your situation has clearly gone from bad (last thread) to worse (this thread). Seems that everyone here is engaged in passive aggressive behavior -- your husband, his family and yes... even you. I suggested in your last thread that you need some professional assistance with these family patterns and your inability to communicate your needs to your husband and/or stand up for yourself.

I stand by that advice.

Here is a link that might be useful: Look it up and see where each of you fits into the puzzle

How did the visit go? I hope it went well. And I hope you and your husband get to spend some time making up for any bad feelings that you may have had about this situation.

Did you survive? I can't wait to hear about the sisters :0)

Yes, I'm dying to know. :+)

My apologies if this thread was finished in a new post but what happened with the visit?

Sorry I never got back to this thread.

Wow, pbrisjar, my first reaction would have been to walk right back out again! Glad the surprise party turned out to be fun, and that you also got your romantic dinner.

Well, let's see, where did I leave off? I called middle SIL on her cell that AM, she said they were in NH and would be at house around 5-5:30, we'd go out to dinner and then they'd try to find a motel. I checked out a local B&B (expensive), stripped all the beds and washed sheets just in case. Didn't go looking for motels b/c I realized it was a holiday w/e and the nicer things would be booked (would have to change rooms at B&B since didn't have any available for 2 nights in a row), didn't want to take time away from cleaning. Asked my dad about air bed but he couldn't find pump so decided ds could try out his new sleeping bag in the study, dd could sleep with me, and DH would get the sleeper sofa (at least Thurs night since he had to work Fri and would be getting up early).

They called at 5:30, were still up around Boston, said not to wait dinner for them. I had put the small roast I had thawed out b4 I knew they were coming back in freezer, so DH and I went out with the kids (and my parents, aunt & uncle since I found out it was their 26th anny and we had missed the 25th last year), SILs pulled in our driveway 8pm just behind us. After telling everyone all day her aunties were coming, DD suddenly got shy. She didn't get to visit much b4 I put her to bed in our bed and told everyone the sleeping arrangements - it was really too late to look for motels and of course DH wanted to visit. I stayed up til 11, DH and youngest sis stayed up really late. Oh, and I took advice to throw everything in closet (master bath) and shut the door - put the big 3-bag laundry sorter we use as hamper in master bath, found a standing towel rack (nonheated) we used in old house and put that in so everyone would have room for towels, shoved some stuff I had in study going to yard sale in WIC. Then as I'm bringing them into MBR and saying "Here's unfinished bath and WIC, but please don't open..." middle SIL opens the door b/c she wants to see how big it is! DH had told them we were still finishing trim, but they had no idea how much work we were doing/still needed. Asked me about all the blue tape on floors (loose tile) and walls (marking studs to nail baseboards). Oh, and then the last night after I put DD to bed I came down and found oldest one taking pics of all the wood on the floor of my DR, my LR with no curtains and half (not even all!) the trim pulled off the windows, no baseboards. I asked her not to, she said her DH wanted to see pics. I have to email her some when we get things finished (she took pics of my kitchen island, liked the layout, but I could have gotten the finished trim out of my BR and stuck it in place for pics! My cousin nailed it up a week later).

DS had a science test but DD decided to play hooky (I stopped by preschool with a floppy - cards kept jamming my printer so teacher had to print them but I formatted everything for her, told her then that DD hadn't seen them in 4 yrs so she'd be absent). Then they decided we should all go to Mystic Seaport so I have the largest SUV, got gas, drove 2 hr to spend 2 hrs there, was afraid we wouldn't be home in time for Ds so called DH - he could get off early so OK. My parents invited us all up for BBQ so I headed straight there after getting ice DH said they needed, he was bringing steaks and chicken I had taken out on Thurs to defrost.

Got to my parents', my dad said steaks were freezerburnt and chicken was frozen, so down to grocery store (30 min drive) to get steaks, potato salad, etc. We ate pretty late, stayed visiting later, at 9:15 I noticed, wanted DD to stay there but she had meltdown, wanted to come home. So about 10pm b4 kiddos got to bed, adults stayed up til midnight or so? I remember everyone had to brush their teeth 1 at a time even though we have 2 sinks so I fell asleep waiting my turn (should have brushed when I did DD's teeth), finally brushed my teeth about 1:30am when I woke up to pee. Other than that, no problem scheduling bathroom.

Sat AM took everyone out for brunch and they left since they all had to be at work day after Mem. Day. They were going to stop and see niece in TN on the way (hope they called her!).

Turns out DH either is not good at reading b/t the lines, or set me up I don't know which. I asked about miscommunication, b/c I could have had vinyl tile down in MBA so we'd have another shower and prob toilet, heck, i could have gotten a stock laminate countertop from HD and put in sink(s) since I have them and faucets already. Not to mention a railing on the stairs (2 SILs have had DVT and had trouble with stairs but didn't want to take sleeper sofa). Anyway, youngest SIL said she had told DH that when they were planning this road trip (tour of NE) this was the onyl time they all could get off work. If he had told me that (and that they were trying to see other states in NE, not just driving to see us and whatever else they could on the way), I would have *known* they were coming, even if/when she didn't get back to him after "checking with the others." So I told them please in the future call the home phone to talk to us/email me as well as him, so we avoid the mis(lack of) communication via DH.

Though DH tells me they will probably never travel together again (or at least not with oldest sister) b/c they were about ready to kill each other after a week of 24/7. I did hear (driving DH's car back from my parents with single SIL) about how owner of car was having fits over the way the other 2 drove. And youngest SIL was glad to have ds's room to herself since the other 2 snore.

So it was a whirlwind visit that really didn't last much more than 1 day. I think they enjoyed having someone else do the driving but still being able to see (a little) of the area that day. Dad was going crazy cooking everyone's steak to order (since they were being polite about what they considered "cooked", talking to a family of vampires LOL, my dad kept throwing it back on the grill when they said "Wheeeeel, a little more than that..." and "Umm, yes, I can eat it like that." when they should have just told him well-done). But I think they appreciated having 1 dinner at someone's house. I know they enjoyed visiting with DH, and oldest was showing my mom pics of her grandbabies.

DD enjoyed meeting them, she said she missed them after, promises (?) she'll be a good traveler if we go visit them sometime.

I need a nap after just reading about this. Glad you survived.

I wouldn't have put in all that housework. I would have tidied up a bathroom and left the rest of the place as is. When the guests arrive, be thrilled to see them. Talk excitedly about the renovation, that due to miscommunication w/ DH you couldn't get the place cleaned up on such short notice, so sorry for the awful mess, and you might just even have to put them to work heh heh! They might be glad to help, seeing that you are in such difficult circumstances. If you ask them sweetly if they'd pick up some of the trash while you're sweeping debris out the way, they might not mind at all.

I've visited family members during renovations and ended up doing dishes in the powder room or taping, painting, & cleaning rollers & paint trays. I was glad to be useful. Would any of you be offended if your SIL asked for some clean up help during a renovation?

As I recall the panic cleanup involved getting 2 buckets of joint compound, various taping knives, mesh tape, paint rollers and trays (no paint cans) and a drop cloth out from under the (open) utility sink in the mudroom, moving 1 8ft length of casing and a 4ft length of 1x4 from behind breakfast table to the coat closet, shoving some yardsale boxes in the attic and a big vacuum bag with crib set, a couple of lamps into the WIC, hauling out the towel stand and putting the hamper in the unfinished bath, and putting a standing TP holder that I had stored in the master bath into the powder room so it looked a little nicer than putting the roll on the back of the tank (no sink, faucet, or towel bars to have to match!).

Then of course the general picking up after kids, vacuuming, cleaning the 1 bath (plus the 2nd toilet since we only have 1 1/4 or 1/3 baths), stripping all the beds, washing the sheets, and making the beds.

I didn't bother to do anything with all the wood on the DR floor, or to wire lights back in the foyer or DR. Though if I had known about the DVT, I would have stopped at HD and gotten some railing (any railing!) and tried to attach it to the wall (even with no returns) since I bought the brackets in November (trying to find carpenter to do newel post and balustrade - no luck).

Bless you for you are a saint. Just reading about all the things you live with undone in your house makes my head spin. Is building this house your project? You seem to be the handy one, sounds like DH goes to work and you work on the house?

I am the handy one in our marriage, DH is not allowed to have any power tools as he's very dangerous with them. But, he likes it that way - he has no patience for home repairs. I either do it or call someone.

That said, I couldn't live in a house with as much work as you still have to do without killing someone - so I give you extra kudos to entertaining guests during the chaos. :-)

DH is not handy but I am not either - as far as carpentry goes I can finish wood, but not cut it ;-). I am getting really good at patching nail pops, skimming uneven walls, and touchup painting (well, not the painting so much). Still getting the hang of how much spray foam insulation to put in so it doesn't expand all over the jambs and drywall. I learned in the last house not to let DH do drywall corners. If this house had copper instead of PEX I'd be doing the plumbing since I did the plumbing (except for mounting the faucet on the acrylic whirlpool deck - hired a pro for that and it was horrible just getting him to come out and do that one thing, something kept coming up). I'm learning to do tile but hired another pro to do the downstairs in this house, that didn't turn out so well. I also do electrical but hate working on finished walls - had thought about just buying framed and sheathed (insulated, siding) shell from modular but we figured with the schedule we had and the cost of hiring *good* drywallers, it would be too expensive so now I've got finished walls with electrical outlets/lights I had to move/add since they didn't put them in the most logical places where I said "do it to code" and didn't put them exactly where I spec'd in the places I spec'd.

If I weren't dangerous with power tools myself I'd be cutting the trim and putting it up, but I've come to rely on my cousin who's a carpenter. Unfortunately he only gets about 1 day/month he can work here. So I try to finish as much as I can to have ready for him to just nail up. I don't mind him cutting finished baseboard (not too hard to touch up scarf joints and I only have about 3 left in the house, you don't even see butt ends or copes), but I really like to finish any mitred pieces after he's cut and joined them so I don't have to touch up cuts in the joints, and also so I don't risk rounding any edges while I'm sanding.

DH works outside on our farm nights and weekends. It really isn't much of a farm yet since we don't have a barn or animals (or crops except for hay), but I'm trying to finish the house first. We are both trying our hands at building stone walls, but mostly he's just trying to clear out all the tree limbs that are left from when he and my cousin cleared the land (cousin took the logs for firewood), and getting the overgrown hay fields back in shape.

I'm definitely not a saint - just last week DH and I had a fight when he stubbed his toe walking into some window casings I thought I had stuffed far enough out of the way in the LR. He wanted to move out, I wanted us all to move out til the house was done, and he said that he had originally wanted to rent while we built. He keeps bringing that up - but I just couldn't bear the thought of moving twice in a year. Now it's been 2 years since they set the house on the foundation, we moved in 3 months later and we're (I'm) still working on it. Maybe it would have been better to rent and then either buy a shell or stick-build. But no sense in anybody moving out now (except the kids, if I can get my mom to take them all summer so I can get things done around here LOL!).