Retired nurse here, but lots of experience with studying family systems.

I'm sorry someone in your family is causing this much discord, or at least trying to. Some personality disorders manifest themselves in this mannerâ¦i.e., narcissism, borderline personality, etc. You could read up on these disorders online & see if it fits. That being said, you're doing the right thing by not getting involved. There is a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" & that might be worth looking at too. Good luck with this. Liz

Thank you so much Liz. I'll look for this book next time we head into the city. We almost always go to the book store, so I'll make sure we do.
My SIL is in therapy, has been for more than a decade. By what I can't see it's not helping at all. By what I can see, she's getting worse. The last few years she's put a wedge between her husband and his sisters. The sisters take turns hosting family gatherings and as much as we want their children and my bil there, we find ourselves hoping she won't show. I know that's horrible, but it's become fact.
She's most definitely narcissistic. All she could talk about during family gatherings this past week was about the loss of her father a few years ago. I've lost both my parents, and though I thought of that loss, my Mom was sudden too, it was in knowing how this loss was hurting my hubby and his siblings, and to be honest, my own feelings of loss of my Father in law.

Is your husband's brother a part of the problem? Or is it just the wife? Stay out of all the issues. Some people enjoy conflict and they will ALWAYS make it happen.

Yes, he is part of the problem, ratherbesewing.

We don't plan on getting involved in the sense I think you mean. I asked for help, with my hubby's approval, so he and I could learn how to deal with the situation when they contact us. At the most, we will pass on the book to his Sisters and Mom.

We do not plan to confront the sil or her husband about their treating of my hubby's sister's and mother. If they call us or confront us at family gatherings, as they have before, hopefully the book we'll have helped us know just what to say. If the book doesn't go into how to deal with that sort of situation then we'll tell them we do not want to be involved, as we have in the past.

If you have to deal with them, ignore anything which may become a controversy. I have one in my family. As much as I don't like to, I try to keep conversations with questions about "him". They love to share their personal pride and high standings. I will not share my personal life or any issues with him. Everything is all about him and his opinions.. My therapist said these are the most difficult patients to work with. Her's is probably ready bang her head on the wall after a year or quite sooner. The positive is they also rarely consider counseling, so there must be part of her willing to cede.

technicolor, I will not talk to her about herself. I've tried that in the past, thinking I was being kind, and all it did was have her search me out like a magnet to steel as soon as soon as she walked in the door of where ever our family was gathering. It gave her the idea that I was on her side so she would corner me to bad mouth my Sisters and Mother in law. My telling her that she is talking about MY family and I won't listen to it, didn't even stop her. I had to stand up and find a way around her to walk away only to have her seek me out later. It's to the point where I have to remind my family to keep a look out for me and "save me" if she corners me.

No advice, but egads, she sounds awful!

It is kswl. Especially when my in laws have bent over backwards to accommodate her. She's been in therapy for fifteen years, starting with "postpartum depression". I'm sure she couldn't handle her baby getting all the attention.

I've known she needed some kind of help from the first day I met her when she pulled me aside to tell me about some other guy she was madly in love with. This was the day my bil brought her home to meet his family. I was the only non-blood female family member there, which is why I think she snagged me. She practically drug me through the house out to the back deck so we could speak in private. I thought maybe I misunderstood the reason she and my bil was there so I mentioned that I thought she was dating my bil. She grinned (she has a wicked grin) and said something like "oh yes, I'm dating bil".

As a retired social worker, I second the recommendation to read "Stop Walking On Eggshells". It will help you to understand the mindset of someone with a personality disorder (if that's what's going on with her) and how to set boundaries. However, keep in mind there are no easy solutions...you cannot change her nor "heal the situation" with words or actions. People like your sis-in-law often make little progress in therapy. They believe it's the people around them that need help and are not very motivated toward self change. They may stay in therapy because they enjoy having someone listen to them rather than out of any genuine desire to improve their interactions with others.

It sounds like you're on the right track with your refusal to be drawn into the drama. Be civil, but keep your interactions as minimal as possible. Continue to walk away or hang up when she tries to get you involved or badmouths a family member. The weather makes a good topic if you get cornered!

Thank you Beachykeen09. Knowing how to set boundaries would really help as she does not care what anyone else wants. She even brought a sick puppy to one of my Sister in law's home after being asked not be because their own dog was elderly and the pup had kennel cough which is highly contagious. When she arrived with the pup she was asked to keep him outside. She purposefully carried him in the house and sat next to the elderly dog who of course was interested in the puppy. Her excuse for bringing him was that she couldn't leave a sick puppy home alone.

I agree with you on the therapy, by the way she talks about it, it's more like bragging about all the different kinds of ways they're trying to help her that don't work. It's like she thinks she's special because of that. I'm sure her therapist needs one of his own after he sees her.

I have been very kind to her up to this point. I think that's why she seeks me out. The worst I've said to her, when she was berating my Sisters in law, was to remind her, with a stern voice, that it was MY family she was talking about.

This post was edited by justgotabme on Mon, May 19, 14 at 11:16