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maddielee49

Adoption Research

maddielee
11 years ago
last modified: 4 years ago

I'll start a new thread....

My question is a little different. My parents were foster parents to infants in the 1960's when I was in high school.

In most cases, they would receive a baby shortly after birth and care for she or he until adoption was finalized.

We had one baby, known as George, who came to us at 6 months and stayed until he was 18 months. needless to say, it was heartbreaking when he was adopted. My parents wanted to adopt him but they knew it would not be fair for him because of their ages.

I have photos of him and even a 8mm movie of his first steps. My mother even saved his curl from his first haircut. I love to be able give them to him. Think there is any chance of ever locating him? I have contacted the agency, Catholic Charities in Tampa, and was told that no information was available.

thanks

ML

Comments (37)

  • Olychick
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Maddielee, Thanks for doing this thread...I couldn't get to it yesterday! A lot will depend on what state this was in. But I would suggest you register on the ISRR registry with as much info as you have (do you have his birth date?) Then go to ISRRxchange (different site from the registry) and sign up there and ask for help. You can put in as much info as you have about George - there is always a chance he is searching for his birth family and will find you! You can join a group on ISRRXchange for your state where search angels specialize and ask for people to help and make suggestions about how to proceed.

    You can also register on Adoption.com as an "other" with info that you have; you can also search there and see if he might be registered. ISRR isn't searchable by the public, but Adoption.com is. There are some tricks that help so if you want to email me privately, tubas3646 at mypacks dot net and I'll see what I can find.
    I think it is wonderful that you want to get that part of his childhood to him. Most kids in foster care lose those years of their life.

  • theroselvr
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'll try to get you some links later. There is a better site then ISRR called reunion registry.

    Also make a post on city-data in the people search section; there are a lot of people that can probably help you quickly.

  • Olychick
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Roselvr, I think reunion registry is the same as adoption.com, but thanks for clarifying where to go at adoption.com. It's http://registry.adoption.com/

    But if you have a different site, I'd love to have that one, too.

  • theroselvr
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Yes; correct link sorry I was restarting my computer & scanned your post quickly before shutting down. They also have a message board that when I was looking for my 1/2 brother; was not connected to the registry site. I had a few posts on the message board when he was actually registered at the other section. I was also registered with ISRR which was no help to me.

    Message boards - you really have to dig into this site because there are so many different ways to find people. Last time I was there; there were state topics as well as Catholic Charities.

    City-data People search - the people here are awesome! Make sure you add as much info as you can; they usually take it to private message.

  • Olychick
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    roselvr..I've never used that site at City-data, thanks for that link. It doesn't seem easily searchable to see if someone else has posted - am I missing that? But what a great resource if you have some info and the people there can help fill in the blanks with their research. Thanks!

  • theroselvr
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Make a post there like you did here. The search feature isn't bad; not sure if you have to be a member to search. Whats good is that google picks up posts there & will then display it if he tries to search for you using one of the keywords. There is also an adoption section; but I would use the people one. I know the searchers there; they will give you a lot of help. I don't know if they hang in the adoption board

  • theroselvr
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I keep forgetting to add my experience at reunion registry on the registry side..

    Even after we added the information; we still were not being matched with my 1/2 brother because of the way we spelled things verses how he spelled things. If you'd like to see; I could probably redo the search results via email- it was stupid because it was the matter of 1 letter at the end of the name being off; correct spelling had a z while he had an s. I'm not sure but her 1st name may have also been spelled the American way verses Hungarian. This was all months before my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I still go back to the reunion registry every year to see if I ever get a hit but have not as of last year. I don't recall how we originally got the hit to begin with since I can't duplicate it.

  • Olychick
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Here is a link to the thread where this discussion began - a tangent in the internet research thread. There is some good info here.

    Here is a link that might be useful: Beginning of this thread on internet research thread

  • maddielee
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Thank you olychick and roselvr, I will try the sites you shared.

    ML

  • theroselvr
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    ISRRxchange - What is the ISRRxchange?

    ISRR Xchange main page where the message board is that you need an invitation to join

    Documents sheets - SAMPLE Petition for Access to Adoption Records & Non-Identifying Information Guidelines & Booklist

    Military archives just found the site & figured I'd post it here

    I found a facebook people search site today; the fact sheet below is via this page; so please; if you save the information; give the gal a break & thank her by liking the page as she does not have a fan base. It's small sites like these that will get you results IMO

    People Searching

    Read first: When filing out the Fact Sheet, please fill out the form with as much information as you can. If it asks a date that is exactly unknown, narrow down our searching field by listing a possible range. Give assumptions if necessary, but please mark assumptions with quotations (Rick "Richard" Daniels). If you are giving a more detailed assumption please explain it on the form-for example (Place of Birth: "Oklahoma"- because he always referred to himself as an 'ole okie). All names, nicknames, akas, street names are wanted. Please put in BOLD TYPE the facts that you are absolutely positive about (not necessarily what they directly told you) For example (because you saw the birth certificate you could put on Place of birth: ARKANSAS). On all fields, if you know any information that you know is old and no longer good- please list it on the form. If there are names listed that you are unsure of spelling, mark with a *.

    Fact Sheet:

    Part 1: Basics
    Name/ AKAs:
    Place of birth:
    Date of birth:
    Place of known residences:
    Place of death:
    Date of death:
    Driver's License #/state:
    Social security #:
    Vehicles/VINS/Tags:
    Phone numbers:
    Emails:
    Occupations/Uniforms:
    Military Service:
    Club/society:
    High school:
    College/Tech/Other
    Criminal History:
    Jewelry:
    Religion:
    Any ties to the community/church:

    Part 2: Physical Description
    Photos available?
    Race:
    Height:
    Weight: (and approx. when)
    Hair: (color, texture, style, length)
    Eyes: (color, glasses, contacts, colored- contacts)
    Scars:
    Tattoos:
    Body Type:
    Handicaps:
    Amputees:
    Health History:
    Mental History:
    Other:

    Part 3: Family and Associates
    List any information known about any family members or associates, use part one and two as a list, and include;
    How they met:
    Was there any specific quarrels between them:
    Any correspondence (old letters or emails):
    Any additional information:

    Part 4: Client (your information)
    Name:
    Relationship to subject:
    Information requested: For example-location, contact information, etc
    Photo available?
    Date of last contact:
    Letter/Phone/Person:
    Previously searched methods:
    Additional information:

  • OllieJane
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I posted a little blurb on the Research thread, but, wanted to let you know the story of my adopted cousin. His birthmom was married, had two children, and had an affair, her husband never found out she was pregnant, weird, but true. She place my cousin up for adoption. Long story short, my cousin dug and dug until he found her. She had a big wonderful family that NEVER would have imagined this happening. This opened up a can of worms, and now her and her husband (who found out obviously) are divorced and family was devastated. Last I heard, my cousin and bio mom talk ever so often, but, bio mom's family was torn apart. In this case, bios family was pretty affluent, and could just not make it through the turmoil it caused. Hopefully they have resolved their issues, but, will never be the same.

    Not saying, of course, this kind of thing will happen all the time, but, please think about the other family and put them first. After you find them, you will probably feel you have come this far, and your desire to meet may overcome any sanity you have.

  • theroselvr
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm going to post my blurb from the other thread..

    One of the slickest ways they find names are via birth announcements because they used to get them from the hospital; whether the mother was keeping the child or not. This is assuming they know what hospital they were born at & the correct date. I think there's an article about it on one of the adoption FB pages explaining how to weed it out.

    I was in my 30's when I learned the big secret that my "mother" gave a son away. I just happened to find the info (hospital bracelet; adoption receipt & photos) in a living room table. Back then; they took the baby home until a home was found; she named him & had him Christened & by the time they removed him; she did not want to give him up but had to. Enter me; child #3 who resembles him; my life was always pretty bad & I never understood until I found out about him. I learned this 10+ years after I had my son; who looks like me & since I was a young; single mother; living back with my parents; I think she saw it as her son that she'd given up 35+ years before. She slipped a few times by telling me to leave & to leave "her" son. Add another 10 years & we found him; plus I found out another secret & IMO; I should have been the one (or another one) that was put up for adoption. Keeping me was a huge mistake because I was treated like I didn't belong but thank God for DNA tests; I actually did belong. I wish I could find her affair so I could tell him he doesn't have a daughter out there. My 1/2 brother had a very good life & did the search because he wanted to thank her for giving him to a great family; not thinking he would have a match

    I know of someone that gave a child up & they do not want to be found. I pray that the adoptee does find them because they regret not having more kids. I hope that they change their minds one day.

    Most people that I know that gave their kids up for adoption was because they were forced to. I know the PC term is placed; but back then; they really weren't given an option.. some were minors or unwed mothers that very much did want their child but were forced to. Others had to because they could barely survive to support the kid(s) they had & did so to give all of the children a better chance at life. I do not know anyone that was raped & understand why some people do not want to be found because that is a wound that doesn't need to be opened.

    I am for adoptees having access to their information but feel that in certain cases; the info should not be allowed to be given out.

  • theroselvr
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Olliesmom is your cousin sure they're a child of the affair? I have a similar story that I found out at 40 years old when I was going to donate stem cells to my dad. In my case; they were pretty positive I was not my dads kid. From what I'm told; the affair wanted to take custody of me but my dad said that I looked more like him & that was good enough. I don't know how they got the affair to go away because he supposedly blew out the windows of their house with rocks. While they moved; my dad still owned the same business for a few years after.

    It was November 2005; we just learned his cancer came back after a short remission. We ("mother & I") were sitting in a parking lot; getting ready to go shopping; when I said to my "mother" "I'll be a match as long as he's my father" & I said this because we didn't know what type of genetic markers they were looking for. I still vividly remember her saying "I don't know". I repeated it 3 times & got nowhere. I then questioned my dad in a Rite Aid parking lot as we were picking up his prescription & all he said was "it doesn't matter". How it did not matter is beyond me. No one would just come out & say she had an affair.

    I had a horrible life growing up; was always treated like an outsider until I pushed myself on my dad at 11. I used to go to work with him at his station; so he was forced to see the real me & that I wasn't the trouble maker. While we got closer over the years; there was always something I couldn't put my finger on.. how I used to "turn up my nose" (his words) when I was right about something verses my siblings. When I had my son at 20 (he wanted me to abort & thank God I didn't because it's a huge piece of my story) things changed & I now understood why; because with my son looking like him; it was as good as a DNA test.. but there was still something there; where I could feel I wasn't a piece of this family puzzle.

    While I knew my "mother" cheated on him as far back as I could remember; never in a million years would I ever think that my paternity was questioned. While I have blond hair & blue eyes; I look like my dad in every other way & my son (also blond/blue) was always called "little Matty" because he was the spitting image of my dad. To this day; I've never heard the story from my "mother"- my dad refused to talk about it. The only way I even know the story was because the oldest cornered "mother" & got the story. This is my life; yet no one thinks I have any rights to know. The man I've called my dad for 40 years is dying & if that isn't bad enough; now there is this drama. To this day; I have no clue how I lived through it. This is not easy to write; I'm hyper-ventilating typing it.

    Here; I'm losing my dad. We're really close; yet he won't talk to me about it & he's telling me no when I ask for a DNA test & I asked regularly. My siblings turned against me & my kids & my dad finally agreed in January when the cancer spread. It took them a month to come out & even then it was going to be the day after he passed. I called the DNA place the day his body started shutting down; begging them to come. The day he passed they finally found someone to come out. He died 2 hours later; never knowing the results. If only he would have done it when I 1st asked. Friends of his say that they feel it didn't matter because I was his favorite but that he didn't want to know if the truth would be different. He's been gone 6 years; having to live with this is horrible.

  • fourkids4us
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    My neighbor used donor eggs to get pregnant with her oldest child. I had no idea (I did know they were undergoing fertility treatments) but one night after she had too much to drink, she told me. She also told me that our neighbor also used donor eggs, a "secret" that she doesn't know that I know (and I wish I didn't know b/c it wasn't my neighbor's right to tell me). The neighbor who told me about her own child has not told her daughter or their extended families. I don't even know if she remembers that she told me - I have never brought it up in conversation b/c I don't want to embarrass her if she doesn't remember telling me. However, I can't imagine keeping this kind of thing a "secret" - while I realize that some people want to "protect" their kids, or perhaps she doesn't want her dd not to think of her as her "real" mom. But in most cases I've seen where secrets like this were kept, it has only come back later to cause an extreme amount of hurt. When my sister was adopted, she was told the truth as early as she was able to understand. It would have been hard for my parents to hide it though as she is biracial and clearly doesn't resemble anyone in our family (except one neighbor, upon learning years later that she was adopted, remarked that she assumed my sister was just a very dark Italian!). I think it was probably easier back in the day to keep these kind of secrets but with medical advancements and DNA technology, if something ever happens with my neighbor's dd, the truth could come out. And maybe at some point they do plan to tell her, but I think it's easiest to just tell them from the beginning.

    My SIL used donor sperm to get pregnant when she was unmarried at age 40 and wanted kids. Her kids have known from the beginning, obviously, since they have no father in their lives. However, the donor was apparently very popular and my niece and nephew have at least a dozen half siblings. Apparently there is some website where you could "register" in order to find siblings from the same donors. And while her kids are reasonably well adjusted, they have been taunted at school for not having a dad. But, at least in the case of SIL, they have access to the donor's medical history. He also gave permission for any children to contact him once they are 18 y/o if they would like to. The whole thing is hard for me to grasp.

    I'm so glad that my sister's search turned out to be a positive experience. Her bio father's family was so upset that the bio mom would not let the paternal grandmother raise her (story is on the other thread). I'm thankful that my parents were always very open about her adoption and very supportive of her search. They were secure enough in my sister's love and devotion to them and my sister with their love and devotion to her. The bio mom doesn't really have much of a relationship with her, but my sister is ok with that. My sister is just happy to know her story, and the fact that she now has a huge extended loving bio family was added bonus.

  • theroselvr
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    fourkids; there was a show on TLC or one of those channels about the donor sperm & the registry. One guy has found over 100 of his "kids". He was getting ready to settle down & had to tell his fiance. They both were stressed that one day their kids could unknowingly end up with a sibling. The donor sperm/egg is a whole other can of worms & while we may think things like this; I never realized just how many offspring one man can have & it could be a huge mess!

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    Make that paying the price. My life would be different if my dad would have done the DNA when I asked. Sibling 3 wasn't in his life for 10 years; then tried to push me out in the end. The only reason he finally agreed was because she planned to fight me in court for my inheritance; using the paternity as reason for me & my kids not deserving any. I begged my dad to split my share between my kids & nephew but he refused because I worked for him all of my life for minimum wage; gave up a hair cutting career when he needed me. I was the only kid that was always there for him & he would not back down on the will; especially after she refused to be tested as a stem cell donor because they did not want to use me because of medications I was on. She wrote him a nasty 2-3 page letter saying she didn't have a father & he deserved cancer & she'd let him die before giving stem cells. In the end; I asked to be tested as a donor anyway; that was all used against me too because they found I had something show up with my liver & my blood sugar was over 400; so the siblings said they didn't use me because I was not a genetic match even though I gave the Dr permission to speak to sib #1 when she finally flew out to be tested. I used to beg my dad to not take anything out on my nephew & before the paternity came out; told my dad that I'd give part of my share legally to my nephew after I got it & at one point he saw how strongly I felt & did change his mind; he was going to give the 3 grand kids similar but the drama exploded & they came out & changed the will behind my back writing #3 in.

    #3 went as far as to contact my son about us not being related to them. My son & my dad were very close; he never had a son & spent every minute he could with him. My dad was a changed man with my son; used to take him for breakfast (McD's hash brown & toy) then they'd go & chase trains on the way into work. They even knew the conductors. We lived with my parents for close to 6 years; they were attached at the hip! Sibling 3 was jealous that he had such a special bond with my son & not her's. She very much wanted to hurt my son when she emailed him & it's a good thing my son had an idea of what was going on. I debated not telling him but felt that I had to because I knew the sibs eventually would. I told him the blood test from the cancer center showed I was a match. I was 99% sure he was my father; thankfully during all the heavy drama; I was able to keep my sanity enough to know that even though I'm blond/blue; that I'm a replica of my dad.

    In the end; I was accused of forging the DNA results. Last time I saw any of them; they wanted me to give my dads ashes back that I had for 2 years because they said mine were bigger.. Funny because they picked theirs up 1st & told the funeral director which ones to give me. The mediator said they were the coldest people he's ever met & wished me good luck.

    As I've said; I wish I would have been the one placed for adoption; the only reason I'm glad that I was not is because of the relationship I was able to have with my dad. The 40+ years of pain are still better then not knowing him. While they've taken everything from me & my kids; they can't touch my memories; especially the ones in his last months where he'd just moved 7 blocks from me; so we were able to see each other every day & those last 2 holidays meant more to me because my dad said they were the best holidays he's had in his life because the people he loved the most in his life were there. He would never tell me I was his favorite though; not even on his death bed; although I feel that's what he tried to tell me when he tried to speak & couldn't. Sib 1 had jealousy over the holidays because she came out for an early one but he was admitted to the hospital.

  • theroselvr
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Donor sibling registry

    Sperm donor show he donated for 3 years & knows about 74 kids.

  • OllieJane
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    roselvr, sometimes it is a small world. My cousin's birthmom was my best friend's mom's bestfriend. And my best friend's mom knew all about the affair of my cousin's birthmom. Caused a rift between my best friend and myself for a couple of years also, as she is VERY NOSEY, and always has been, and my best friend help him when she found out about him. Anyway, was not a good outcome, was just awful really....

    In this case everyone would have been better off not knowing. Some secrets should remain secrets, when the outcome is going to hurt a lot of people that did not even need to know, IMO.

  • Cheen
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I have been flipping back and forth between these two threads and Olychick has written some really wonderful posts. Thanks Olychick. :-)

    I am an older adopted person who has always wanted to know about my family of origin, but has a) taken a very cautious approach to searching and b) not found any trace of my birth parents to date.

    I was adopted during the Baby Scoop Era (1940s -- 1970s). Anyone who does basic research on this realises that many (but not all) adoptions in those days were indeed forced and the birth mothers treated terribly. Some of the birth mother's stories are so sad, and the heartbreak comes through -- even 50 or 60 years after the baby was relinquished.

    The primary reason I started "searching" was because I felt it important to let my birth mother know that I was alright, and that she made the right decision to place me for adoption. I have never had any desire to disrupt her life, or even for contact other than a letter unless she really wanted it. It would be nice to have some family and medical background but that has never been essential to me.

    My approach, after I got my adoption file -- access to these files varies from state to state and country to country -- was to register as willing to accept contact. I also do an internet search every few months to see whether anyone is searching for me under my first name or my adopted name, as these registers are not all that well known. That is about it.

    I think the reasons for searching very greatly among adopted people. Some, of course, never want to search nor do they want to be searched for!

    I firmly believe that an adopted person who does decide to search should get counseling regarding their motivation, intent and expectations to prepare them for what is ahead. Not all reunions are happy. Search angels, in my experience agree with me on the counseling, and are very sensitive in their approach to families of origin.

    Olliesmom's story is very sad and that search/reunion badly managed, but that does not mean that no adopted person or birth mother should ever search. Far from it! I agree with Olychick that it is a basic right for an adult adopted person to know about their heritage, and that secrets are not a good thing to keep. Every adoption story is different and unique to the people involved.

    Discussions of this type have a tendency to end up with debating the rights of the mother to privacy and the rights of the adopted person to know. It is a difficult and emotional subject for everyone involved in an adoption, and I certainly don't know all the answers!


  • Olychick
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Cheen, if you haven't yet, please think about joining the new ISRRXchange. It just started in March and has taken off like wildfire. There are already 1600 or so people registered and lots of search angels and genealogists, too. You just never know who might be able to help you. With the 1940 census being released there is a lot of new info available to older searchers.

    I agree with what you've written, it is very emotional, but I also hate that adoptees have to "justify" to anyone, even themselves why they want to search. I don't think you have to know why...you just have to know that you want to. Exploring expectations is a wise thing tho' and preparing as much as possible for any outcome will really benefit the searcher.

    It makes me crazy that the govt issues a fake "birth" certificate, a counterfeit document that says a child was born to people s/he wasn't born to (I can see the need for this document for minor children so they have the same certificate as non adopted people), but then to have the audacity to withhold the REAL birth certificate from them when they are adults is just too much. I don't see how it can be anything but a denial of rights that are given to every other US born citizen.

    There was no contract that the adoptee entered into that gave up their rights. They should not be bound by something they didn't agree to and I believe they have the right to know their origins and that trumps any "rights" of birth parents or adoptive parents. The birth parents can still refuse contact if they choose.

    Ok, now I'll tell you how I really feel :)

  • Cheen
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Thanks so much Olychick and Roselver (did I get that last name right?) I sent my email address to ISRRXchange last night for an invitation -- thanks to you two wonderful ladies.

    I was delighted to see that there is an international component to this site because, although I am now living in the US, I was adopted in Europe. I am in contact with local searchers in my country of birth but the looking is harder. Everything helps and we should all work together, shouldn't we?

    Olychick, I hear you loud and clear on "why should we have to justify our search." We should not have to - but the general public usually doesn't want us to search.

    The reason I push counselling for all adopted people wanting to search is . . . simply to protect ourselves.

    We may be the children of rape or incest, but we may also be the children of forced adoption. My research indicates that forced adoption is probably more likely.

    We have the right to know either way. Counselling will help us to be prepared for a second rejection from our family of origin. It will also help us to have realistic expectations of our first parent(s).

    I, personally, over the years have discovered that it is best only to discuss searches and the desire to search only with those within the adoption triad (they understand), and those closest to me. Those who support my need to tell my first mother that I'm doing well today and that I do understand.

    For every ten positive reunions there is one that is negative. Somehow the negatives get priority in the minds of many, but that does not mean that we should not search.

    My rights to my heritage were taken away from me 6 weeks after birth and without my consent. I, and most adopted people of my generation, have been lectured forever about NOT rocking the adoption boat. I, and many like me, do not want to disrupt my first mother's life. I also never wanted to upset my adoptive parents, which is why I took such a long-term passive approach on both fronts.

    But we adult adopted children really do have a right to know, good or bad. We sometimes wonder why the onus is on us to "put up and shut up and deal with it."

    Just my opinion -- but it is how I really feel too.

    :-)

  • Amanda Hart
    4 years ago

    I was adopted from Cathoic Charities in Ct, when i called them to ask they told me i can pay a fee for 600$ for them to do a "search" for 24 hours and "may" come with results nothing guaranteed. How could that be, i know my records are there, anyways.

    Spoke to an attorney in CT about this and they said i can submit a forum for my original birth certificate which should have my birth mothers name on it, for 65$


    I have looked on adoption forums but nothing ever comes us, i feel i am at a loss.. maybe i wont ever find my bio parents, the only reason i am searching now is because both my adoptive parents have passed on.

  • Olychick
    4 years ago
    last modified: 4 years ago

    Amanda, send me your contact info through my Houzz ID (click on my name and choose "send a Message") and I'll put you in touch with someone who hopefully can help you (a wonderful, free search angel). Can you not afford the $65 for your original birth certificate? What year were you born?


    If you don't qualify for getting your original birth certificate (it looks like you have to have been born 1983 or later to get unfettered access - for a price) have you considered a DNA test? The person I will put you in touch with is very successful in matching DNA for adoptees and birth parents.

    Also, have you written for your non-identifying information from your adoption file? You are entitled to that and sometimes there is enough info to actually track down your original mother.

  • jakabedy
    4 years ago

    Amanda -- I'm also an adoptee. I was born in Ohio where the original birth certificates for my age group were sealed until the legislature opened them in the last 5 years or so. I ordered the original and, yep -- there was birth mom's name and home address. I was able to work through Ancestry.com and regular google and background searches and located her. I've reached out a few times to no response. It's a bit sad and frustrating, but it is what it is. At least I was able to ferret out info about her life from the interwebs.

    Have you done Ancestry DNA or 23 and Me? About the same time I got the original birth certificate (which did not contain birth dad's name) I got a hit for a first cousin on Ancestry. She and her mom were very open and helpful and we sorted out her youngest uncle was my birth dad. Again, I reached out a few times with no response. But the cousin shared pictures with me, which was terrific. I've always been a giant in my petite, fair family, and seeing that big tall dark-haired man was extremely validating.

    All that to say you should do what you can to find who you can while you can. The worst that can happen is they don't respond, or you learn that they've already died.

  • Allison0704
    4 years ago

    What an interesting thread. My heart goes out to those of you that have posted your personal stories along with your innermost thoughts and fears. The search for birth mom, dad and/or siblings or answers to questions involve many emotions. A similar non-issue at the present time is a family member/young child whose father has been absent from (his/her) life since (he/she) was around a year old. The birth father's family has been absent since birth. He/she has since been adopted by the new spouse, but I often wonder how this will play out later on, once he/she is an adult. Whether it's her/his decision to search or if the birth father decides to. I often wonder if siblings will even know the other(s) exist. (Sorry to be so vague, but it is not my story to share.)


    I will end by adding what a friend's adult son said when she asked him why he had never asked about his birth father or if he ever missed having a dad. He had been raised by her and was extremely close to/also raised by her parents (she never remarried). He answered how could he miss something he had never had. If it were always that simple.

  • Zalco/bring back Sophie!
    4 years ago
    last modified: 4 years ago

    Allison, my mother left my father when I was nine months old. My father was out of my life from that point on. My mother and grandparents brought me up until I was five when my mother remarried. My grandparents and mother were all I ever needed. My step father was a non person for me, but it didn't matter. My heart overflowed with the love of my mother, grandmother and grandfather I was surrounded by. Only once did I ever have a pang of feeling about my father's absence, to which my mother told me my pride was hurt. That was incredibly useful for me to understand. I only mention this in case it helps your loved one with a different perspective.

  • Allison0704
    4 years ago

    Thank you, Zalco, it does help.

  • lyfia
    4 years ago
    last modified: 4 years ago

    Allison if it helps, my husbands parents divorced when he was under 3. He did visit with his paternal sides grandparents and also his "sperm donor," but when the guy remarried his new wife didn't like the idea of him so he stopped having my husband over and his grandparents passed away. He consider his step dad to be his dad and he truly is in every meaning of the word dad. Doesn't mean he isn't somewhat curious about his real dad and I think he is friends on Facebook with his half siblings, but that is about it as far as contact goes. His dad is who raised him and did all the "dad" things.


    I think what matters is that when they blended the family my husbands step dad and mom did not treat any of the kids any different whether biological or not. He has a sister who is not blood related, but his sister and they both have a half-brother on that side of the family and he is a brother no matter what. I think it all is in how you treat everyone. If there are no favoring on one side or another and all are treated the same then it doesn't matter.

  • jmck_nc
    4 years ago

    Allison, I have a niece who had a baby outside of marriage at age 19. No mention was ever made of the birth father and we did not know if she had a boyfriend or what??? She lived with her parents while she finished college and they helped raise the baby. When my niece married, her new husband never adopted the child, but was in every other way a father to her. She has 2 half siblings but I didn't think she ever wondered about her birth father. Well now she is a mom (young and father not around...ugh). I found out recently that she told her mom she was interested in meeting her birth father. Her mother had never even told him she was pregnant as it was more of a short term, not serious relationship and she moved back home from college immediately. She contacted him, told him he had a daughter, and they have met. They are trying to figure out how much of a relationship to have. I feel sorry for him that he never even knew he had a daughter until he was a grandfather! He has some younger children as well.

    Family issues are so fraught, but I think honest open communication appropriate to the child's developmental level is best

  • Olychick
    4 years ago

    Jakabedy, you don't have messaging turned on, but could you send me a private message through houzz, please?

  • Allison0704
    4 years ago

    Thank you, @lyfia and @jmck_nc, and again @Zalco/bring back Sophie! for sharing those experiences. To date, the mom has been very good at answering questions and explaining, But there will come a day when he/she completely understands how babies are made, and I imagine curiosity will peak. I cannot imagine, jmck_nc how the father felt when he found out he had a daughter and a grandchild. All the missed milestones.

  • chispa
    4 years ago

    Allison, another thing that could happen is that bio-dad's children find out and come looking for their half sibling. Or if you are close enough geographically, you might want your family member to know who the siblings are, by name at least, in case they were to end up in some school/kids/summer program together. As a teen, you wouldn't want to have a crush on some kid and find out they are your half sibling.

  • jakabedy
    4 years ago

    Olychick I sent you a message and included my email — not sure what’s up with the messaging issue with my profile.

  • Olychick
    4 years ago

    Jakabedy, I saw your message and replied; hopefully that works. Will keep your private email, just in case it doesn't.

  • nini804
    4 years ago

    I am an adoptive mother. Both of my children were adopted at birth. Adoption is very different now than it was...we were matched and met both of our children’s birth mothers (they actually picked us themselves.) Both of them had as much time as they needed/wanted with the babies after they gave birth. No one was coerced, or pressured in anyway by the agency or us (that is actually illegal now.) Both birthfathers knew aNd consented. I have addresses for both birth mothers, and regularly sent photos when the children were younger, and now send a Christmas card each year. (I felt very strongly about them not wondering what the children looked like.) Both of my children know they are adopted and that they can contact their birth parents when they are 18 if they want. Ds is 20 now, and has absolutely no interest. I am not sure what dd will do regarding that when she turns 18, but either way, we will support and help her. We have all health information.


    Closed adoptions are very rare now. Most attorneys and agencies don’t do them. Birth mothers have full control and rights until they sign the termination papers, and in most states there is a revocation period in which they can change their minds after (usually around 7 days, but depends on the state.) I am grateful for this...and I believe the entire process is much healthier for all sides than it was previously.

  • mtnrdredux_gw
    4 years ago

    Jakabedy, I feel sorry that your attempts to meet up with birth parents were not fruitful, but it is nice that you met with one family member and got that validation. : )

  • jmck_nc
    4 years ago

    I was also adopted during the Dark Ages and all records were sealed. When my brother went to apply for a passport while he was in college he found our original birth certs in my parents safe deposit box. Not sure how they had those with our original names. I never did a search but my brother was put in contact with his birth parents (for a fee) via the adoption agency. He has a cordial but distant relationship with his birth mother and half siblings. Met his birth father but neither wanted any further contact. When I was younger I felt I might search once my mother passes...but she is going strong at 94...sigh... I have enough trouble with the mother I have, so I'm reluctant to add anyone else to the mix. Though I'd love to know how much of the story my mother tells me about the situation surrounding my adoption is true...she has always had an active imagination and loves to embellish stories from the past.

    I'm glad that now adoptions happen so much more quickly. As a newborn I had my birth mother (not for long, but I'm sure I knew her voice, smell), then a foster mother for several months and then whisked away to adoptive mother.

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