Return to the Home Decorating Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
Friends after 50 update

Posted by ellendi (My Page) on
Tue, May 1, 12 at 9:55

Please continue discussion on this side.


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Cut/paste from old thread:

I had been trying to re-connect with a friend by emailing her and arranging lunch dates. I was always the one to initiate. I kept it up for several months. When we saw each other it was always really nice. When we ran into each other at church there were always big hugs and "we have to do lunch again soon !". The only way that was going to happen was if I initiated. I stopped. For good or bad I don't think that it can be one-sided.
I have given this a lot of thought. I have always been a loner and I believe I always will be. I have had one good friend at a time for years and then it would end and I would have another. I seem to be able to manage that and nothing else. I believe that if I really wanted more I would do more to aide the process. DH and I are really close and do a lot of things together and separately. He has no close friend either. But that is nothing new.

Looking at it dispassionately it is the way we are. I no longer think there is something wrong with us. Everyone finds their own way of carrying on. My way wouldn't work for someone else and their way wouldn't work for me.

When I am on a bike tour for months at a time I do enjoy being with others ...up to a point. All of us on the trips agree that our tent is like a return to the womb :) When I get home I really relish the lack of stimulation from others and go right back into my solitary ways. I have meditated at length on this and on my original thread that spawned this thread. I am what I am and that is all that I am. Peaceful is how I feel ...not lonely or alone. c


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Slight rant about being a housewife over 50!
I think of myself more of a loner and do a lot of things with my husband but I do enjoy being around people when we go out.
I don't think I'm quite in terms of it compared to trailrunner but maybe getting close. I really take my time on making new friends. Being a housewife has enforced my taking my time. I have had a lot of people want to be friends with me for a reason, like watching their animals, house and getting their mail while on their many vacations or wanting to use my Florida home as their hotel. When you are a house wife people do not think you have anything better to do then to make their life a bit easier and save them money. Granted I know part of it is that they trust me in their homes while gone, but still, don't keep asking after I have said no and told you why. Summer is off season for my husband and is the time of year I look forward to, we do many home projects/remodeling and other fun things. It is me and my husband's time! Unfortunately, it's the time of neighbors and acquaintances vacation time as well. I wish people wouldn't automatically think of the "housewife" when thinking of pet care or free rooms. I can only afford to be a house wife because we do all our own labor and almost never hire other people for anything except pet care. I stay busy. I pay people to watch my pets while I'm gone, it's my responsibility not my neighbors or friends. I'm not sure if I would feel so disgruntled if my husband had a regular job where we had more time together throughout the year...but I don't know. When you do for one neighbor they all want you, you the housewife with nothing better to do.
Last night was the first of the start of "hints" for lining me up as a pet, house watcher and mail getter. It really hurts my feelings to have people I concidered friends to keep hinting around when they know summer is my time.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Trail: I agree with you. I am not tit for tat but invite ME once to my ten times that I invite you!
Jterrilyn: I can relate to what you are saying. I think partly it is because you are "not working" that people feel they can rely on you. If this is one sided, I agree that you gain nothing from helping your neighbors.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

I can relate to that in a way. I am mostly a stay-at-home-mom, though I do work part time (but for myself, so my hours are flexible). My DD's BF has parents who have Big Jobs, so whenever there's a school holiday they didn't anticipate, a snow day, whatever, I know that I'm going to get the early-morning call asking if she can come over here. Most of the time I don't mind, but sometimes I just don't answer the phone so I don't have to deal with it.

Back on the friendship discussion -- I'm not 50 yet but I'm still going to jump in! I think partly because I have almost no extended family (only child, mom deceased, so I just have my dad, who lives in another state) my friends are VERY important to me. And I have been really lucky to have found a lot of really great ones. I have met most of my current friends through my kids or through a local moms' group that I was involved in when my kids were little. We don't see each other as often as I'd like, but we are pretty good at putting things on the calendar so we stay in touch. I think that's the key -- otherwise, time goes by and before you know it, it's been months since you've seen your best friend. I joke sometimes with my hairdresser that I see her more than I see some of my closest friends. I have one group of girlfriends that goes out to dinner once a month -- it's on the calender automatically. Also, DH and I are in a "dinner group" where the couples take turns hosting -- we meet about every 2-3 months, sometimes it stretches out longer, esp. during the summer when people are away, but it's been going on for 10+ years! We are like a family now. I also have a group of women on my street, and we get together for dinner every few months and see each other casually in between -- sometimes go for walks, sometimes get together with the husbands, etc. Then I have various other friends who are local, and I still keep in touch with a bunch of my high school friends who are scattered around (I grew up in another state). I get together with 3 of my high school girlfriends every year for a weekend and we act like 16 year olds again. I am only in touch with one friend from college, who lives in another state but we try to check in with each other every few months and get together about once a year.

I find it interesting that as we get older, DH and I seem to have friends in certain categories. Like we have some friends who are really into music so they're who we call if we are getting concert tickets. There are the friends we could go away with for a weekend, and others that we definitely would not! We have a beach cottage, so we have certain friends who visit every summer, and others we wouldn't really think of inviting.

I like to have at least one "friend" thing on the calendar per week. It keeps me sane. Or relatively so.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Sueb20 "I like to have at least one "friend" thing on the calendar per week. It keeps me sane." What a great goal to have! I run 3 days a week with the same people and go to the gym 3 days a week with the same person and call that socializing. But maybe it really isn't. I'm going to try your idea by calling other friends and see what happens.
My mom who is 83 follows that idea. She is busy with a lot of volunteer work but always plans a lunch or dinner with a friend every week.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

I used to hate to spend time alone. Through the years though, I've matured and life has morphed into a much easier place. I like who I am and am usually very content spending my days alone. My most favorite times are the evenings when my husband is home and we're just chilling together.

I have to admit though that once in a while when I see a couple of ladies shopping together or hanging out, I sort of feel left out. I'd love for there to be someone I could goof off with. Like it was mentioned, I too have had friends here or there, but what usually ends up happening is I become her support system and the only time we talk is when she needs to vent or a shoulder to cry on. Ironically, when the tables are turned and I need a quiet ear, she either changes the subject or is too busy with her own stuff to return my call or email. I'm the first in line to help someone but the one way road does get old after a while.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Lukki - you need to move down here. From our emails, I think we'd get along fab!

I'm in the middle. I usually work 3 days a week. My hub works a 4-day week so we have 3 day weekends together. I love those weekends and we enjoy hanging out together. Makes me look forward to our retirement years! BUT, I'm a people person. Like Sue, my friends are very important. My two closest friends are one I've been friends with for 30+ years and a "newer friend" probably about 15 years or so. I talk to my oldest friend almost daily and see her quite often. The other, I don't talk to quite as often but we see each other at least once a week. Our husbands are also friends, so we get together as couples. In the last couple of years I've become very close to my mom's group of highschool friends. I see these women at least once a month and two of them have practically adopted me. I know I could go to them with whatever. And I have another new close friend - our moms were in that group of friends and actually passed away within two days of each other. So we have really bonded. I think it would make our moms happy. :) My sister is another that I consider a close friend. I can't imagine going through some of life's events without friends. There have been times when that support group has been my salvation!!!

tina


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

I could have written what Trailrunner wrote! My goodness! At my core I am a loner and yet...I am quite a "people" person with strangers!

I can easily strike up a conversation with other women while shopping, for example, as I did today in Kohl's jewelry department! It was fun to share the excitement of looking at all the wonderful new costume jewelry! I love to give and get feedback in such scenarios. "What do you think of this blue necklace?" "Are the oval or the round hoops better?" I think I project friendliness, openess, and receptivity, and I have a sincere interest in others.

But I am by nature a lover of solitary pursuits, and I savor peace and quiet. I don't even turn on the TV or music until DH comes home and fortunately he doesn't want to watch more than some news and weather most nights.

I do want to find a way to give back in my community, and haven't found that niche here yet. I hope in the meantime, I offer friendliness and warmth to those who cross my path.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

I also am not 50 yet. My friends definitely change as I age. I am mostly a SAHM, I substitute teach but also get the calls from my daughter's friends to come over on no school days. ect. It gets old. We have moved a few times over the years and we've been in this location 6 years now. I find that friends don't invest in the relationship after a move. So I tend to look at friends as temporary. It is so hard to find friends that think like me, if that makes since, on the important issues anyway. Although I find people very different from me fascinating to talk with. I find that I don't care to invest in friendships where the person seems shallow, or haven't had adversity. I like to ponder the deep things of life and have had to step away from some friendships that weren't good for me or didn't make me feel good about myself. I miss my siblings and wish they lived closer to me. However, too much family time and they drive me crazy. Given all that I have said, I truly find my few true friends to be treasures and I feel grateful to have them in my life. I wish I had more time with friends, and scheduling them is a great idea. It just seems like my family is always needing me more. Would love to find some more "couple friends" for hubby and I. He would love a close friend, I'm sure. It just seems women have an easier time valuing and cultivating friendships. I also seem to categorize my friends. I have church friends, parents of childrens's friends - friends, neighbors, ect. I just try to be the same with all of my friends so that I am authentic, very important to me.
I read this and see that I just kind of rambled. Hopefully, someone can take something useful away from what I just said.


 o
RE: Friends ?

Lukki, I also relate to your "I become her support system" comment! I have a friend who just can go on and on and on about her ailments, her woes, her cares, her trials and tribulations, and she's nearly impossible to get off the phone!

It's just so much negativity...it's DRAINING. I AM interested, and I do care, but I'm only one woman; I can only take so much. ( I must sound awful.) Maybe I shy away though, from developing casual acquaintances into friendships due to this scenario. I mean one 2 hour phone call about her dog's intestinal tract on Tuesday, then Friday's 45 minute follow-up was enough to kill me. Then the next week, it was an hour about her own health issues, and a message three days later on my machine: "Stinky...haven't talked to you in a while, call me when you get a chance." I thought "Oh gosh, do I have to?" But I do like her. She's just really, really, negative, and quite the talker. Okay! End of MY rant, LOL!


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Oh Tina, don't I wish! I'm a southern girl at heart anyways and know I'd love your neck of the woods!

Support groups are important and I do miss that.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Stinky, you don't sound awful. I know someone like that - she is the most negative person I know and to be honest, sometimes I just don't want to be around her. I am an upbeat, optimistic person (maybe too much so), and I find it hard to listen to so much negativity.

Re you giving back to your community - you will find your spot. I volunteered in some different situations that just didn't work out. Now I am doing so through my church and I'm much happier and feel like I've found my place! My husband is involved in a men's ministry group through our church and is also feeling good about the work they are doing in our community - and further actually. We work within the community - moreso than our church members. It has been a really good thing, and yes, I have met some new people that way too. You are a sweetie and I can just see you out and about, striking up a conversation. LOL


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Continued rant from above... Well these posts do come in handy and its good to see other loner types out there.
So I'm thinking maybe I'm my own problem. I need to get more vocal on my "not working status" and notify the media of how I'm in the process of lugging over 2,000 bricks from the brick pile to the covered back patio area. And then tell how I need to pressure clean the bricks and that then my husband and I will then lay them. Then I will need to seal it all. After that I need to tell everyone that we will start on the master bath mini remodel and after that I'll start painting some of the interior walls. I will let them know that In between times I clean the house and tend to an acre and a half of land, husband mows but I do everything else. After all that and after rest my husband and I will enjoy dinners out and such. My little loner self needs to talk more and squash the thought that I have a magic Jeannie.
Oh wait...I did that! Boo, nobody loves me lol. Everyone who works outside the home is apparently more important. I know... I could make a deal that if they come over and do all my work on my list above I will then stop everything to go their homes the required three times a day to care for their animals several times during the summer and get their mail and water their interior plants. It's no big deal spending the whole summer trying to figure out if we can get a dinner or lunch or a long drive in where it will not interfere with pet doing business time or med time or feeding times.
Can you tell I'm grumpy? Tonight I'm meant to walk my dogs with a friend and her dogs in the neighborhood. I always enjoy that but now shes doing what everyone does eventually and is bringing up pet sitting. I was off the hook briefly when another neighbor gal started doing pet sitting but no one whats to ask her anymore because her kids have turned juvenile and they worry about them knowing there is no one home.

In case you think I’m horrible, I am always a good friend for emergencies like checking on their elderly parents if it’s thought something maybe wrong while they are at work. Or, I have no problems watching the pets if there is a family emergency. But Jiminy Crickets neighbors you have had a whole flipping year to sort this vacation time/ pet care flipping thing out.

I'm over 50, be my friend but don't ask me to give up my long awaited summer with husband to care for your pets. I love your animals but not more than my husband.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Tina, thank you so much for your thoughtful reply! It is appreciated. You give me hope...you ARE so optimistic and are a marvelous example is SO many ways.

Jterri, I'm confused! Are you saying that you need to get the word out about how hard you work to justify not having a "JOB, job?" Life is too short to exert all that effort! Just enjoy your project and focus on how blessed you feel to have the time, energy, and other resources to tackle it.

Listen, it all comes out in the wash. We all have our crosses to bear (even us non-"working" women!) and we all have things to be grateful for. If your friends in important places don't see that, that's their misfortune. Chalk up their perspective to shallowness. (If I'm not reading you correctly, forgive me for rattling on so.)


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

WOW - this is really interesting. I didn't see this conversation going on the other side. Glad it moved over here. I can SO relate to what many others have said and it's SO nice to know there are a bunch of others like me. DH is my best friend and I would prefer to spend time with him over anyone else. The older I get though the more I think I could end up a real basket case if he dies before I do. I have several good, long time friends but I'm just not the type to be regularly socializing with them. I've noticed a couple of my closer friends are very needy - and one is very negative and exactly like someone else described above. She can go on and on for hours on the phone about everything that is wrong in her life. I try to be supportive but sometimes I just can't take the victim, martyrdom of it all.

I enjoy being alone quite a bit of the time. I work in a demanding job interacting with people all the time about all kinds of things and I LOVE the peace and tranquility of getting away from people and all their wants, needs and demands. I also have a needy DH - which is okay. I help him and he helps me. It works well.

If I was retired and had more time on my hands I would likely make a greater effort to get together with more of my friends whose company I most enjoy.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Jterri, you keep referring to yourself as non working but taking care a family and home is not none working. You also seem to be pretty busy with projects. You may have what some may call a more flexible schedule but in my opinion, you're very hard working. :c)

In regards to the pet sitting issue....I would be willing to bet that if you started charging say 20.00/day, those people wouldn't be so eager to impose. Since it happens so often, I might be inclined to have a new t-shirt made up with a logo like this and clever message that states you don't do pet sitting.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

RE: pet sitting - I hire a professional and it is $20 per day (one visit). If someone was repeatedly imposing on me for pet sitting I'd be inclined to say:

Ya know, so many people have been asking me to look after their pets that I started a pet sitting business. I charge $20 per day for one 30 minute visit and $35 per day for two visits.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Funny about the dog sitting. When my dog was alive, I traded dog sitting with three friends. It made sense. If you are walking your own dog, why not walk two?And it was great for vacations, knowing my dog was in good hands,
But, when my dog passed away, one friend still expected me to watch her dog! As much as I like dogs, I no longer wanted to be committed, especially during the summer months.
I had to finally tell her that if I watched her dog, then I would again feel obligated to do the same for my other friends. (BTW my other friends actually felt the same as I did, that I should no longr be in the dog watching loop.)
But, it worked.She found other arrangements.
So jterri, maybe something on those lines can work for you. "Sorry but it seems I am being over whelmed by requests, so I have decided to take a break from the dog sitting for a while." Or you might want to just trade favors with one friend. Then you can make it known that you only trade dog sitting with friend X because again, you are over whelmed with requests.
I like too that you sometimes don't answer your phone when you know it is someone asking for a favor.
You are in a tight spot and it is too bad that people do not realize boundries.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Oh I feel so much better after my rant! To be honest I haven't had to get upset over pet care sagas for a while due to the other gal in the neighborhood doing the pet sitting. But, I have another reason for feeling better; the dog walking friend broke down and asked the gal with the borderline delinquent children to pet sit. She did ask me to keep an eye on her property while I'm walking my dog but I don't mind doing that. She has five dogs so I'm glad thats settled.

Lukkiirish, I love the T-shirt idea. Perhaps I'll design one and wear it to discourage even the hints. And, I will have soon have new neighbors to brake in. I already have the fabric paint too. I'll post a picture of it if I ever get around to painting.

Gibby, Haha, I actually thought of doing that before. I didn't because I worried that maybe at least one of the many would take me up on it and I want my summer family time.

Stinky, you are right there is much to be grateful for!

Hey, are all us self proclaimed loner types over 50 happy with our husbands? Could it be? Plus we like the decorating forum and kitchen forum. Could it be that we are the norm here?

Not that I want to discourage those that are not happy with their husbands from commenting here because statistically that holds the majority. But I wonder about those happy with husband self proclaimed loners...I was starting to think I was the only one.
Disclaimer: My version of husband happy is over 90% of the time because we all have moments.


 o
me again

Ellendi, sorry I was still writing when you posted. I would never ask anyone to watch my dogs other than a paid person or place. My little Maltese is getting older and leaves little doggie doodles when I leave her and doesn't like strangers, my old retriever does not get along with other dogs and is on meds for several health problems and my Rottie is very demanding of attention. It's hard enough for us to do things around them so I would never ask or share with neighbors all the extra work. I did have people offer to swap dog sitting but they only offer with one of my dogs.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

I think you are on to something jterri. Those who have husbands that are also friends may not feel the need to socialize and cultivate female friendships.
I, for one, feel the need to have both. There are just certain things that my husband is just not inerested in.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Stinky, sorry I didn't see your post! Yes, I know exactly what you mean. It is draining! There's one lady I've kept in contact with from a temp job I had when we first moved here. All she wants to do is vent about work which is convenient since I still know most everyone. She's even told me her husband isn't very supportive or good about listening to her woes. Just once I'd love to talk to her about something else but every time I try, she always manages to bring the conversation back to her favorite topic. :c(


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

I hear you, Lukki! LOL!

My friend is single (divorced) and I know she must find it difficult to live alone sometimes, even though she claims to love being very independent. I bet that going through life without a partner must be feel very lonely, even scary at times, so I try to be a good friend, a good listener and support person, but I'm not a therapist (though I could play one on TV!)


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

My husband and I enjoy each others' company tremendously; we have all manner of adventures (travel, hiking, music, museums, movies, art galleries, etc.), are supportive of each other, talk about anything under the sun, and no one makes me laugh more. We have a wonderful marriage.

But we also both have many close friends of our own (as well as couple friends). I belong to 2 book groups, have friends far and wide (all over the US and abroad), have a neighborhood coffee group, as well as many friends I have made through my profession (authors, scientists, other editors).

I would not categorize people who can only "take"--cry, complain, whine and dominate the conversation--as friends. There are lots of vibrant, vital, interesting people out there who can expand one's world view and share insights and interests. I have never had a "friend" in the former category (take, take, take) and find my world is endlessly enriched and all the better for my friendships.

I enjoy my solo time, too. I am an avid read and gardener, and I have my own freelance business. But social time with friends is deeply important to me--I'd be bereft without it.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

You sound like an utterly fascinating woman, Kkay! Truly.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Just a fortunate one in some (not all!) ways, Stinky--thanks for your kind words.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

i missed the original thread also... or maybe i passed over it at the time since it's so long!

i really need friends---i am lonely when i feel i'm without friends. but, i tend to be a casual friend to many, but a very close friend to few. i think that is because i like my alone time too much and rarely (never!) make phone calls 'just to talk'!! i would much rather DO something and it seems like a fair number of women want to chat instead of do.
i am envious of women whose sisters are their best friends---an (what i imagine at least!) effortless, unconditional bond...

i don't like sitting around too much and don't particularly like being home too much(prob because i hate housework and feel guilty if i'm home too much not doing it!)so i was constantly taking my kids places-parks, zoos, etc when they were small and then volunteering in their school and attending every game and meet, etc that they had. will be an empty nester soon so i am really trying to figure out how i'm going to spend my days...

we don't do too much as a couple at this point, mostly because of the # of hours my husb works and the traveling he does...makes getting together with others hard and often my hub is tired at the end of the week and wants some 'home time'---i'm home too much and he's home not nearly enough!!

i am a good listener so i use to feel i attracted those who needed to talk, talk- often negatively which was draining- but i feel i'm better now about setting limits to that...

i am an empathetic person, but i am an unusual mix of empathetic and logical...(left and right brained?)

this was interesting to finally read--to see how many others struggle with the whole friend thing and to give me ideas for when my youngest leaves and i'm 'really alone'! it's a weird stage of life to be facing...


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

I'm a good listener and I think I attract those who love to talk, like you busybee. I like people and I like to talk some but not go on and on, especially on the phone! I had one "friend" who would literally talk for hours on the phone- I was glad when she moved away and stopped calling. Nowadays I'm more assertive and would have just told her I had to go.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

I don't understand this chatting on the phone thing either. The only person I want to chat on the phone with is my sister who lives out of town. Otherwise I would rather get together with you for a walk/hike, cup of coffee, whatever and see you in person.

So much of my life (I've mentioned this before) has become impersonal. I can do most of my errands and not talk to a single person (self check at the grocery store, hardware store and library, use the ATM for money instead of a teller, fill up my car with gas instead of chatting with the gas jockey (yea I'm old enough) who would probably have been a friend of my DS, and then come home and get onto facebook to see how many family is doing.) and I just think that face-to-face interaction with people is really important. We are social animals but are slowly retreating into ourselves.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Blfenton, I love that too, getting together and doing something outdoors. That is not always an easy thing to find with friends over 50. When my fitness level was much higher a few years ago and before some health issues it was almost impossible to find gals my age to do fitness things. However, now that I have dropped a peg or two it has strangely been better for the social life. Now its long hikes, moderate biking and next week a few of us are going to start kayaking a few times a month. It's all good though, I'll do anything outdoors except camping. I don't really "get" camping although I'm thinking I may give it a try with one of my friends. I know my husband will not camp though. Hmm, that would mean I would have to sleep in a tent alone because I can not do group sleeping arrangements. Well I'm thinking most people would not put up with me and camping so maybe I'll scratch that idea lol.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Sleeping in a tent after 50.....? How about a nice cabin instead:)?


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

I know this is getting away from the topic of this thread, but in light of jterrilynn's and ellendi's comments about camping I want to mention my first camping experience. I went on my first camping trip a week before I turned 50 and didn't even sleep in a tent! We slept under the stars! I was with my family on a 5 night whitewater rafting trip on the Colorado River in the Grand Canyon. It was a guided trip with about 30 people all together. I was VERY apprehensive about the whole thing, but it was something everyone else in the family really wanted to do, so I went along. It turned out to be one of the greatest experiences in my life (so far)!


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

We love camping! I'm going to start a new thread on that in a bit . . .

tina


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

tina I will look forward to that! I am the queen of camping when I am on a cycling trip. Everything I need in my little pack . DH and I car camp too and it is a whole different experience. Would love to see pics of your set up and food. Wow...great topic. Get cracking '! c


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

I first started readiing this thread on the other side and was so terribly sad by the widespread loneliness out there...even if you have others in your life, loneliness for girl friends with whom you can share joys and sorrows.

I was terribly close to my mom...we had such good times shopping...outlets, furniture, home decor, tag sales, whatever. After she passed, I was thinking I should place an ad in the personals for a shopping buddy. I mean if people will advertise for far more intimate relationships than that, why not a shopping pal?

Seems to me in this day and age of IT where people are meeting and marrying over the internet, can't we gals get it together? Is there a website for finding gal pals?


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

I love camping too. The best trip ever was a week or so in Zion. We slept in a tent and did everything from hike to explore Bryce Canyon. It was fabulous and a real highlight.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Annie, sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. There are websites out there but I have never used them. I think there is one called Meetup where you meet people who have the same interests as you do.
I know a few people who have met their spouses on websites. But, the problem is that you have to weed through many creepy people. This would scare me.
My suggestion would be to try to join things. Book club at the library? Walking groups? My Y has a private group fitness option. The same women exercise together with a trainer for a set amount of time, and it looks to be like they seem friendly to each other.
Hopefully you can meet a new friend and one who also likes to shop.
I find that you really have to work at making and keeping friends after 50. Sometimes it takes a while. For example I have a friend I met in an exercise class.We were both in this class for years but slowly started talking. She has become a lunch buddy. Another friend I met through work. She wound up leaving but one day called me to get together. I made sure I was available because another thing that I have found is that sometimes you miss out on opportunities if you don't go out of your way to be available.
It is so true that many of us are in the same boat. For some, making and keeping friends is easy and it always was. For the rest of us, we have to work harder at it if this is something you truly want in your life.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Ellendi, you sound like a good friend!


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

I don't know how old you all are but years ago as a SAHM with 2 young boys pre-school age, it was really hard to find young moms in the neighbourhood to meet up with. Once the kids were in school of course it was easier and you would meet other moms and start socializing with them.

My niece who has just had a baby meets all sorts of new moms through the internet. She will just google "new mom groups for *****neighbourhood" or "mom coffee groups for ****neighbourhood". She has met so many new moms doing this. She doesn't want to be friends with all of them but every once in a while she meets one that she would like to spend more time with and so will ask her on a "date". She has done up separate business cards with her cell number and e-mail address and will ask someone out for a girlfriend date by giving her the card. I think this is such a neat idea.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Thanks jterri!


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

I agree Annie, there should be just girl groups where women can hang out together.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Bf, I ordered my own Calling Cards a couple of months ago and they've really come in handy. Our post office changed our Rural Route address because we're getting "911" so everyone has a name to their roads. BTW, it's sad to say goodbye to all the rural route addresses. Signs of the time! Anyway, that's why I had my cards made up, but I've gotten in contact with old friends who now have my email addy.

I have two besties, but I do feel left out because I don't have any sisters, my mom has dementia, and I never had a grandmother. Now that I'm older, it's hitting me really hard for some reason. I guess because my dad died and my brother died last year, I feel so alone in that department, even though I have a dh and kids.

I feel like I missed out on a special "Club" and no matter what I do, I can never join it.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Oakley-Yes I agree that there is something about this stage in our lives. We tend to reflect and ruminate about what could have or should have been. (The road not taken) You have had very deep losses. It must be very hard seeing your mom slowly fade away from you so it is understandable that you are feeling blue.
Everyone travels this road at their own pace and there is no easy answer to any of it.
Make sure you stay connected to your IRL friends and as always GW is here whenever you need us.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Oakley - I'm so sorry about you losing your dad, brother and I guess basically your mom as well. I've lost my dad and one of my brothers and it's hard. I've been thinking a lot about friends and family lately and will probably be doing so over the next few months.

I will be 60 in January and for some reason it is making me think about a lot of things - the future and what will it bring and the past and have I been happy with it. I'm happy with my choice in DH and I love my kids but sometimes wonder about roads untraveled and choices made. Would I do anything differently? I don't know.

I know that the last 10 years, since turning 50, have just flown by and so I know how fast the next 10 years will go. I know that I have many changes ahead of me - retirement, my mom will probably pass away, my kids will develop careers and hopefully bring me DIL's (I have 2 sons) and maybe grandbabies. But the thing that I am not looking forward to is losing friends. That will be especially hard.

Well, I just reread this and aren't I melancholy today. Shall I delete it - no I think I'll post it anyway.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

The Buddhas 5 remembrances have been helpful to me when I think about what has been and can't be changed and what is yet to come that can't be controlled.

1. I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.
2. I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape ill health.
3. I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.
4. All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
5. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

It reminds me to not spend our precious time fretting about inevitabilities and to focus on the now...what we have and what we can do.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Annie...I don't remember seeing your posts when I was posting about meditation but I have noticed you posting lately. I believe we have a lot in common. Do you/ have you gone on any retreats ? We can talk via email if you like...through GW. DH and I went to a Vipassana 10 day retreat in Feb. DH had gone last year in CA. Hope to hear from you. c


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Annie: Buddha's words are often wise. I'm not fretting about what is happening/going to happen but merely contemplating about how to handle it and to decide how I want the next few years to unravel. Much of that I can and will control and the consequences will be the results of my actions..

I had lunch with some marvelous girlfriends today. Two of them are my running buddies and the other is from my book club and I realized how lucky I really am to have these women in my life. We laughed, we discussed, and then all went off to do our daily mundane things. But these women will help me get through turning 60 and posts like this, with these people, will also help. Look for me to start a post in January about turning 60!


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

One of the things that surprised and pleased me about finding GW was how many regular posters are 50 and over. I have two more years to hit the 60 mark.
There is something about those round numbers.....


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Blf, I'm glad you didn't delete it! Since January (I also lost my MIL two weeks after my brother died last year) I've been very melancholic.

A large part of it is when we moved to this small town after college, we realized everyone is related to everyone else. Large extended families. Mine and dh's family has always been small.

I see them and their large families and it makes me envious. My mom is in another state so it makes me feel more alone. Kids are close by which is good.

It just hit me in January for some reason. I need to get over it already! lol

Ellendi, I also noticed that about our ages. For a long time I never said how old I was, but gradually noticed just about everyone is my age, give or take ten years.


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

trailrunner, I'm fairly new to posting here....I've rapidly become addicted. I have not been to a retreat but there is a monastery not too far that is open for a day visit. Haven't been yet, though a friend (fellow I know) said he'd like to go too...he has been on a retreat before. Maybe now that the weather is nicer...not really up to doing walking meditation in nasty weather...


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

My suggestion for making new friends is to join something. I used to work with a lady that retired in her early 50's. She loves to stay active and she enjoys many crafts. She promptly joined a quilting group and the red hat club. Eventually she started another quilt group and a card making group. The card making group evolved from a scrapbooking club she's in!! She's met people all over the states through quilting and has even become good friends with a few of them, traveling to visit them and vice versa. I look forward to her yearly Christmas letter each year, just to read about all she's involved in. LOL She is one who will never be old, she's too busy!

Join a book club, some type craft club, a garden club, etc. Volunteer - that's a great way to meet others. We have been trying to get my MIL to join a local travel club.

tina


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Annie, if you are interested you can look at the link below. We did it and our son went to one in CA through the same organization. There is a lot of info . All I can say is that it is life-changing and truly worth the investment in time. There are no charges...ever. It is all volunteer...amazing people.

What monastery are you near ? c

Here is a link that might be useful: Vipassana meditation


 o
RE: Friends after 50 update

Thanks for the link. The monastery is run by Thai monks and is in the northeast.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Home Decorating Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here