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neetsiepie

I need some positive energy please

neetsiepie
10 years ago

Im currently in the ER with my MIL. She was brought in by ambulance hours ago and is about to be admitted. She`s in pretty bad shape-eas nearly septic, bp was extremely low and her potassium level was in carc arrest territory. They`re not optimistic that she can recover. DH left hoirs ago after yhe social worker asked about a DNR. I knew this was going to happen when we neared the end with her. At least i have now spoken with her stepkids who are going to come take.care of their fsther. I was really stressed about. That but apparently MIL didnt want. Them involve d. Evem tho theyd asked. Now we are in communication and its eased my mind a lot.

One of my nephews came by tonight and hes a gem-i was able. To tallk honestly. With. Him about his grandmas. Condition, since his dad (my BIL) IS

Comments (28)

  • neetsiepie
    Original Author
    10 years ago

    Ugh-stupid not so smart phone! BIL is a lot like my DH in that he also doesnt want to deal with it. My nephew is a smart young. Man and he asked. Me exactly what is going on with MIL-he knows shes sicker yhan what his dad has said. So it was helpful for me to talk. To him and cry a little. Im tired and hungry, but i cant leave her till shes in a bed and setled for the night. Tomorrow we will know more-just hoping for the best. The next. Couple days will be hard. But at least it being a long weekend, family will be able to come.

  • neetsiepie
    Original Author
    10 years ago

    Ugh-stupid not so smart phone! BIL is a lot like my DH in that he also doesnt want to deal with it. My nephew is a smart young. Man and he asked. Me exactly what is going on with MIL-he knows shes sicker yhan what his dad has said. So it was helpful for me to talk. To him and cry a little. Im tired and hungry, but i cant leave her till shes in a bed and setled for the night. Tomorrow we will know more-just hoping for the best. The next. Couple days will be hard. But at least it being a long weekend, family will be able to come.

  • pammyfay
    10 years ago

    Oh wow, what a roller-coaster ride of emotions for you -- first hyped up on the upcoming wedding, now this. Poor husband -- tell him we're thinking of him. Sending good thoughts to you so you can continue to be a rock for your family.

  • gsciencechick
    10 years ago

    Pesky, I am so sorry. Hope she gets a space. Best to all of your family. Yes, most men have a hard time dealing with this. Their coping mechanism is to not deal.

  • allison0704
    10 years ago

    I'm sorry, Pesky.

  • nancybee_2010
    10 years ago

    sending positive thoughts and energy your way, pesky.

  • hhireno
    10 years ago

    Oh Pesky, sorry to read this. Sending you strength and peace to get through whatever comes.

  • texanjana
    10 years ago

    So sorry to hear this, Pesky. Sending you thoughts and prayers of strength and comfort.

  • neetsiepie
    Original Author
    10 years ago

    Thank you. I got about 3 total hours sleep, and we're getting ready to go back over to the hospital now. Apparently they've moved her to ICU and will be transferring her to the hospital where her oncologist is located. I'm waiting for a call back from the nurses, but it's not sounding good.

    I'm just grateful that her husbands children are coming up to care for their dad-I really can't deal with that on top of my own husband being so checked out. I had a frank discussion with him when I got back home around 2 am. I told him that no matter what, we HAVE to have a discussion with his mother about her final wishes. As it stands, she's got full rescuscitation, but she's told me in the past she does not want that. Won't do any good, of course, without a DNR we can't do anything else.

    So please continue to send your energies and prayers, we certainly appreciate it. And I will pass on to the rest of the family your good thoughts. I know it will help us all.

  • golddust
    10 years ago

    ((( hugs!!))) Your DH is blessed to have you. I'm so lucky Mama's sons stepped up to the plate in the end. I hope your DH can as well.

  • Vertise
    10 years ago

    Sending positive energies and thoughts for all. Hope she is not suffering.

    Take care of yourself Pesky. At least eat some nourishing foods, and stay away from the stressful caffeines.

  • teacats
    10 years ago

    Sending along hugs -- and hoping that you take very good care of yourself .....

  • PRO
    Diane Smith at Walter E. Smithe Furniture
    10 years ago

    Sending thoughts of strength to you dear pesky.

  • DLM2000-GW
    10 years ago

    When it rains....... thinking of you and hoping the bumps smooth out soon.

  • riosamba
    10 years ago

    Bless you, Pesky, for the kindness and compassion you are pouring out.

  • golddust
    10 years ago

    Hospice is wonderful. They can help your DH work through his feelings. Ask the Dr to refer you before it's too late.

  • yayagal
    10 years ago

    I had the same problem with my DH when his father died. The dr. wanted to bring him back to the hospital as he found a clot in the leg but the poor man was going to die in the next few days. DH called me at work to ask what to do, I told him "you have two choices, if you send him to the hospital he will have discomfort and for a longer time, if you leave him here where he's pain free and with the people he loves, he'll probably go soon" He hung up and made the decision to have him stay home and he died that night.
    Tell your husband he really isn't making the decision, it was made by his mother and all he has to do is sign a paper, he's really honoring her in the best way as he's doing what she wanted. It's his last gift to her. God bless all of you, you're a good woman and they're all lucky to have you.

  • Annie Deighnaugh
    10 years ago

    Oh, pesky, I'm so sorry you are going through this! Please take a breath and remember that these hard times are not forever, but are things we have to go through as part of life. I'm sending you all the strength, courage and comfort I can muster and they are coming with virtual hugs.

    Hang tough, kiddo, and keep your chin up!

  • neetsiepie
    Original Author
    10 years ago

    Needless to say, emotion runs high. But I feel this is a safe place for me to say what I need to. Long story short, I left the hospital last night because I was hurt and disgusted by what was going on.

    Earlier in the day, we had met, as a family, to discuss moving to pallative care and stopping any further action-let nature take it's course. She was not on any life support, simply monitors, but as requires with continued medical care (not the pallative care), blood tests, BP, etc was continuing. We agreed that would stop-there was no need as we knew she was going to die. We also agreed no DNR (she ultimately confirmed that in a moment of lucidity) and her DH insisted NO DNR. She was getting some medication to control her BP, pain med (we agreed to keep that) and another to keep her blood acid levels from rising due to the liver failure. Stopping that would allow nature to take it's course, and that was what was agreed upon by everyone.

    Well, after her DH was taken home, and his kids left, things went south. They were disintigrating before that, but it got so bad that I just had to leave. I'd planned to stay with her till the end, DH was going to go home, he didn't want to be there, and I was ok with that. But somehow things changed-and my BIL's new wife convinced BIL that since she's in the medical field (a medical office assistant) that mom DID want CPR, and to not remove the 'life support'-the freaking MONITORS!!

    Anyway, when the nurse came in again to do a finger prick for a blood glucose level, and mom was still conscious, I lost it. We SPECIFICALLY agreed NO MORE INVASIVE PROCEDURES!! This was not the nurse who had been on earlier-the one advocating for the comfort care, and it was a different Dr. on staff.

    So I lost it in a private room-and I decided to hell with it-I could not stand to see her go thru this-against HER wishes and ours-because her sons were too afraid to let her go. I didn't even get privacy with her to say my goodbyes because BIL's wife refused to leave the room-so I kissed her and I left around midnight.

    I have decided I am not going to do another thing. Her wishes and her husbands were not followed (another reason I'm updating my Advance Directive today) and someone I loved-even though she frustrated the hell out of me at times-is no longer able to be part of my life.

    Her best friend came by the hospital-heart broken-and I decided that if she could go home to grieve, so could I. And I want to remember her in a better way-not with the resentment that would come if I go back to that hospital.

    Thanks for letting me have my say-and for the kind words. As I write this, she's still hanging in there-thanks to the meds keeping her heart going. (I'm not bitter, am I?)

  • golddust
    10 years ago

    Has no one mentioned Hospice? This drama is their specialty. Call them today!!! Like right now! You need a Dr referral but they can help facilitate that. You can call her Dr and insist on a referral. You don't have to be her POA. You aren't asking them anything. You are asking for something.

  • lizzie_grow
    10 years ago

    Yes, hospice ASAP! An office medical asst. knows next to nothing regarding actual medical facts & physiology, but because the rest of the family is abdicating their responsibilities (not you), she is now being allowed to run the show.

    I hate things like this....hate, hate, hate. What should be a time of peace helping her transition from this life is instead becoming a place of antagonism and strife...how very sad.

    Will any of the other family members stand up to the BIL wife?

    I send you peace, pesky, down the I-5 corridor!

  • golddust
    10 years ago

    Hospice can be the difference between the family standing united and falling completely apart. I'm serious. Please ask for their help. Please, please, please!

  • Vertise
    10 years ago

    Pesky, can you go back late at night or early a.m. to say goodbye, when the others won't be there? Call the nurse's station ahead of time.

    She's no longer able to speak for herself?

  • theroselvr
    10 years ago

    Pesky; I'm so sorry to read that everything is falling apart. I had to go back & reread what the BIL's wife said. If she's "in the medical field" she knows not to prolong it with machines! I have a medical POA that was written by the nurses where my dad was treated. One of the step mother in laws worked there; I think she had a desk job; but she told us that they all knew what not to do because they saw it.

    If your MIL agreed to all of that yesterday; why are they allowed to go back & change her wishes? I really wish your DH would deal with this & fight for her. I hope he's going to be able to deal with the consequences. He seems like a sensitive guy who may suffer with the regret of not speaking up when he hears she's suffering due to decisions.

    The elderly neighbor that I talk about, his sister was kept alive; they put a feeding tube in 3 weeks after she stopped being able to eat; the daughter couldn't stand to see her not being able to eat. It was horrible.

    I agree with Gold she needs to go to hospice where they know how to deal with this.

    Sending you lots of hugs and positive energy to ward off the people that shouldn't have a say.

  • Vertise
    10 years ago

    "they put a feeding tube in 3 weeks after she stopped being able to eat; the daughter couldn't stand to see her not being able to eat. It was horrible."

    This was actually recommended by my father's doctor when he was in decline. He had a DNR in place but the doctor felt strongly that the humane thing to do was a feeding tube to make him more comfortable because starving to death was so horrible. It wasn't a matter of trying to keep him alive or prolonging things. Just one of making him more comfortable.

  • Oakley
    10 years ago

    I am so sorry for what you're going through. I'd call a quick meeting (after you kick your husband so hard he flies to the hospital...sorry) and demand she go to Hospice.

    Good advice here.

  • theroselvr
    10 years ago

    In the medical POA that I have; it's specified no feeding tubes either. The way it was explained to me is that when a person stops being able to intake food that the body has already started preparing for death & that putting the feeding tube in would slow the natural process.

    In this case, the sister did not have the sensation that she was hungry. They knew from the cath that her body was shutting down. I think she went against what the Dr said

  • Annie Deighnaugh
    10 years ago

    I'm so sorry you are going through this, pesky. I know that you will figure out the best place for you to be and the best course of action to take. I think it's very hard for any of these kinds of situations to go smoothly as everyone's emotions are in the red zone, and people who have not been through this before don't understand the difference between doing what's best for the patient vs. doing what's best emotionally for themselves. No matter what you do it is difficult.

    I know being there is important for a lot of people, but I was not able to be there for many who have predeceased me, including my mother. (I was literally as sick as a dog and couldn't be more than a few feet from the toilet on the day she died.) I always remember the words from that old gospel song:

    You've got to walk that lonesome valley
    You've gotta walk it by yourself
    Nobody else can walk it for you
    You've gotta walk it by yourself

    Whether you're there with her or not, she's got to go by herself...

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