I think you are very gracious to go, and I think they are ungracious not to invite you to the dinner.

Unfortunately, the myriad rituals we have around weddings are based on idealized and simplified families. The reality can be messier.

Take the high road, and get your satisfaction from knowing you did the right thing. Do not inquire or comment about the dinner. The alternative would be no fun anyway . Get a massage or facial or something instead!

I agree with mtn. However, weddings are an event where it isn't about you. Keep quiet and keep the peace. If you say something, what resolution will be acceptable to you? If you are begrudgingly invited after the fact, it will result in a very chilly and awkward evening. If you are not invited then you are right where you were but with more hard feelings. The best you can do is be a gracious guest at the wedding. Put on your best smile, and say congratulations to the bride and groom, as well as his mother and move on. Even if she didn't offer her condolences, don't do her the satisfaction of responding in kind at her event.

I agree with the responders. Take the high rode and shake off the upset. Try and put it all behind you although I do agree you have every right to feel hurt.

Honestly, around here rehersal dinners usually involve the wedding party and their spouses. Also, if you're family, I feel it's also the norm to mail invitaions to showers, etc. even if you're out of state. I've always mailed out of state invitations (I'm talking immediate family) for this kind of thing. I didn't care about a gift, it was to make sure nobody's feelings were hurt. - I honestly do have relatives that would've been hurt if they didn't receive one.

I would leave it go.

This post was edited by sheesharee on Wed, Mar 5, 14 at 23:37

I agree with Sharee about the shower invite. Whomever is planning the shower might not be aware of the family dynamics. As for the rehearsal dinner, maybe there are simply too many people? Too expensive to add on ALL the out of towners? Honestly, I wouldn't be too hard on the groom--weddings are primarily run by the bride. You are doing a good thing by attending this happy occasion. Perhaps some other blended families can weigh in.

The bride is planning her own shower. That was who the RSVP was directed to. And as for all the out of towners, there are 6 of us. Actually that is all of us that will be attending from my Fathers side of the family. The 3 siblings and 2 aunts and one uncle. The grooms mother only has one brother and I doubt he will be there. He is morbidly obese and does not fly. He was supposedly a good friend of my fathers and yet did not bother to come to his funeral. The groom has another half sister from his mom who is estranged from my brother and he told me she isn't invited to the wedding.

My brother (same mom) was married 3 1/2 years ago. Neither my sister or I were in the bridal party and yet we attended the rehearsal dinner and so did my half brother so he saw we were included.

I will not say anything before the wedding, but I just don't think I can sit back and not say a word. We are traveling to attend this wedding and yet we will only see the bride and groom at the wedding and reception. I know this event is not about me, but I can't but feel its rude the grooms sisters are not invited to the rehearsal dinner. I'm almost 100% positive it's an intentional slight.

Is it possible that you might have been miffed if you weren't invited to the shower. I agree with Sharee on that one. It is fairly usual for the immediate family to be included in the shower invites and it doesn't necessarily mean they're fishing for gifts.

As for the rehearsal I don't think it's standard to invite all the out of town guests. In some weddings that could be half the wedding guests. And there are regional differences in wedding customs.

My nephew is getting married in a few months and he lives about 400 miles from us so we'll have to stay in a hotel for the weekend. They have a large wedding party and my SIL told me the rehearsal dinner was only for the wedding party. Even then it's going to be 30 people and she just can't afford to include extra people.

It would have been nice to be asked. Are you planning on saying something at the reception?

The rehearsal dinner is a crap shoot. Who is paying for it, who all is coming from out of town etc. I too feel you have no reason to feel slighted. IF you find out that there are relatives from YOUR SIDE of the family, beyond immediate family and or wedding party people coming..then and only then is there any reason for you to even question it. I do feel your pain. We just went through that. I was one of two of five siblings not invited to a nephew's wedding rehearsal. My sister could afford to invite extras...they chose to keep it to those involved in the wedding. It is called a REHEARSAL dinner. On the flip side a nephew from my husbands side did invite us. We felt honored. It was VERY generous of my BIL. As far as the shower goes your attendance was not expected. It was expected that you would be invited. All female relatives get invited!!! A gift, mailed??? This gets different opinions. Back in the day you would have been expected to send a gift. Now a days, I weigh the situation. Couples that have already set up a household don't get "start up"/shower gifts in my world. It is illogical. OR given the distance and cost of mailing, I may put the price of the shower gift into the wedding gift. I suggest given the past strife you let this go. If you go to the wedding or not reach out with a nice gift and best wishes. Don't waste your energy on discord.

No I would never do that, I will likely talk to my brother about it after he gets back from his honeymoon. I was surprised to be invited to the bridal shower since I only met the bride at my fathers funeral. No I would not have been miffed if I were not invited to that, I live out of town. But the rehearsal dinner the bride and groom know we will be in town. And if the groom were my cousin I would not be upset. He is my brother. I just can't imagine not including my siblings at a rehearsal dinner regardless of if they were in the bridal party or not. He was not in my sisters wedding and he was included at the rehearsal. I guess you all think I'm over-reacting?

I think there are years of built up frustration and hurt feelings on all sides. Sometimes it's helpful to try and identify what is actually triggering our feelings of being wronged. In this situation you've already listed a number of perceived slights from not only your brother but your brothers mother, your brother's maternal uncle and so on and so forth. It seems those events may be tinting your reaction to this situation.

What good would come from you saying anything to your brother? When trying to rebuild a relationship, sometimes it is in our best interest to let things die. Realize we can not change others actions, hearing an "I'm sorry" is not always the best salve, and instead direct our focus towards our own actions. Give your brother nothing but love, no judgment. He is starting a new family and this may be the perfect opportunity for a do-over as long as you both decide to remain above the fray and refuse to partake in recriminations.

Sorry, but half siblings can be tricky after the connecting parent dies. My half brother is 9 years older than I. He only lived in our home every weekend or holiday. Even when he went off to college he visited frequently, taking me to my first concerts, teaching me how to play basketball and tennis. We once had a great friendship that involved a bball shoot around every other week throughout his college years. Once he started working he would attend my hs games with my father. We had one petty blowout after my fathers death when I was a teenager in college. That year he ditched our traditional Christmas so we had another ugly fight. Then all communication ceased. It pains my mother, my family and myself, that my half brother is essentially a stranger. He had chosen to keep in contact with only two uncles from our dads family. They kept the rest of us abreast of his life. His family is now his 2 kids, wife, mom and his wife's family. It was only this year at our uncle's funeral when he acknowledged receiving all my cards and wedding/baptism invites et al. We both apologized for our boorish behavior and we've gone to lunch once and attended three basketball games together. It is a start. But can we ever make amends for 14 or 15 years of missing history and a canyon of hurt between us?

I don't think you are overreacting. You're justified in feeling however you feel. I fear you explaining your hurt feelings will devolve into a sling fest of every time you both have intentionally and unintentionally hurt one another. I hope you'll find a way to celebrate in his joy and let bygones be bygones.

Good luck

When I got married, three of my siblings came in from out of state. My in-laws did not invite them to the Rehersal dinner, only my sister/MOH and her husband were invited. I believe it was a combination of cheapness and cluelessness on their part. I was annoyed and told my fiancé that I would pay for their meals but he said please don't rock the boat. So all my uninvited siblings and their families had a fun evening together, with much better food, and we called it the Anti-Rehersal dinner.

To add insult to injury, there was a lively, fun looking Rehersal dinner taking place at my same venue. I joked to my fiancé that I'd rather be at that party. I found out later I did know that couple and I should have crashed it.

That story is my long winded way to say I agree it's crazy you weren't invited BUT I also think you need to let it go. Have a fun dinner with other uninvited family members. Maybe the RD host is clueless or cheap or intentionally trying to upset you. If it's an intentional slight, don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you're upset. I wouldn't dump it on the groom either, I don't see how that could have a positive outcome. He either complicit or clueless or trying to keep the peace with a bride &/or Mother. Telling him, even after the honeymoon, doesn't change anything but may create more hard feelings.

Enjoy spending time with the people you love and politely avoid the others. Think of it as study in human behavior with dinner and dancing.

We have all been in your place at one time or another. Nash's quote is one I often used with my daughters. "What good would come out of...." fill in the blank.

By attending the wedding, you are showing support for your brother and for your continued relationship.

BTW, I love the idea of the anti rehearsal dinner.

We traveled a great distance to go to my nephew's wedding. Lots of family came to the wedding but most lived in town. We have a good relationship with DH's sister and adore our nephew.

We were not invited to the RD. We were surprised but it never occurred to me to complain. Wedding weekends are stressful enough for the participants. No need to add drama during or complain after the fact.

We will be going to a wedding in April and we will have to stay overnight. We will not and don't expect to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. I did receive a shower invite and sent a gift as I know my attendance wasn't expected. I always thought that if you accept a wedding invite, you should also expect a shower invite.

You know, there are a thousand decisions to make around a wedding, many of which have a financial impact. No one gets through it perfectly. (I'm sure there were a lot of hurt feelings and upset when even Princess Catherine got married.) There are choices made out of inconsideration, oversight, grudges, or just ignorance which may lead to hurting other peoples feelings. Moreover, these family times are highly emotional anyway so people's feelings are a lot closer to the surface. And yet the ultimate goal is that the bride and groom enjoy their special day and that that day be filled with love and happiness for all involved. The bride and groom want everyone involved and attending to be happy and joyous as well. People also use it as an opportunity to see friends and family, sometimes from far away, that they haven't seen in a long time so they can reune over a happy occasion ...as opposed to over a funeral. That isn't going to happen if everyone who feels slighted in any way, whether justifiable or not, wears their hurt on their sleeve and intends to tell the bridal couple so.

You can choose how you view the situation. You can do it with understanding and compassion, opening yourself to other opportunities this trip and get together brings, or you can do it with anger and negative feelings towards all involved. You can spend the entire wedding being unhappy and upset, or you can just let it go, plan something else for you and the others not at the rehearsal to enjoy, and have a wonderful time. The choice is entirely yours.

If you let your injured ego go, examine your true and loving heart, think about who you want to be and how you want to spend your time, you will choose correctly.

Annie, that's a good last line, for just about anything.

Only when i read it, i hear " , Grasshopper" at the end.

Speaking of an "anti rehearsal dinner".....an acquaintance of mine (our kids went to school together and I run into her from time to time at the grocery) is very well off. I'm not sure of the groom's family's financial situation, but when her daughter was getting married she intimated that she and her husband were taking care of most of the expenses. My son was also getting married so we were "comparing notes." She told me that the rehearsal dinner was going to be small, but that she was doing a separate cocktail party meet and greet for the out of town guests and other relatives while the rehearsal dinner was taking place elsewhere. I thought that was a nice compromise--not as expensive as hosting a full dinner for everyone, but not leaving everyone else high and dry on Friday evening.

My "wasnt invited" story is when our niece (DH's side) got married. My MIL, the bride's grandmother, who was then in her early 80's flew cross country with her other son to our house, then we all drove 7 hours to the wedding. I was completely shocked we were not invited to the rehearsal dinner...especially the grandmother! And the dinner was a casual affair at the bride's and groom's house with a chef friend doing the cooking. Not inviting the grandmother who had flown and driven all that way was just outrageous to me.

When my son got married last year we had about 65 people at the rehearsal dinner...yes, a little less than half that attended the wedding. Much to my surprise, all of my oldest and dearest friends flew in for the wedding...there was no way I was leaving them hanging on Friday night in a strange town...but I also wanted more time to visit with them. I also included all family on both sides.

I did not invite people to the bridal shower who were out of state and I knew would not come....I felt, personally, that it was fishing for gifts and I knew that a lot of them were coming to the wedding, so didn't want them to incur any extra expenses or feel obligated to send something. But I think it is perfectly OK to invite out-of-towners, especially if you think they might feel slighted.

I don't think there are hard and fast rules for rehearsal dinners. Yes, I think you should have defintely been included as a sibling of the groom....either this was a deliberate snub OR is it possible they are really limiting the rehearsal dinner to just the bridal party? If that is the case, then you should not feel left out. If "others" are invited, but not you, then yes, it is inexcusable.

Best not to say anything, especially to your brother; however, if I found out that other people beyond the wedding party were included, I would be really tempted to go up to that awful woman at the reception and say with a big smile "John told us that the rehearsal dinner last night was wonderful....I'm so glad everyone had a great time.".....then turn and walk away. I probably wouldn't actually do it, but I would sure want to!

Yes, you should have been invited to the rehearsal dinner. I understand that your feelings are hurt. But Polly, you are being the bigger person by attending the wedding. Your brother probably knows he should have invited you to the dinner. So it's not going to do any good and change anyone's feelings by calling him on it. I would just let it go. Like I said, you and your siblings traveling with you - are doing the right thing. Don't bring yourself down to their level.

tina

Personally, I would let it go and just plan to just enjoy the evening of the rehearsal dinner with my spouse and/or other non-invited people I know. I wouldn't let it bother me, either. Either use the time to get settled into the hotel room and relax or use the time to have a nice dinner and see more of the town where the wedding is being held. You can have a perfectly good time and feel like having the evening on your own was *better* than the rehearsal dinner if you set it up that way for yourself. It doesn't have to be a negative experience.

As for talking about it with your brother... I wouldn't. However, if you're determined to express your unhappiness with the situation to him, for heaven's sake, do it before the rehearsal dinner and wedding actually happen. If you do it now, he has a chance to change the plan or at least explain it before it all goes down. Deliberately waiting until after the honeymoon seems like you're setting him up to fail, and that doesn't seem helpful to me. There's nothing he can do about it at that point. If you genuinely can't find a way to be okay with the plan beforehand, I think that you owe it to the relationship to speak up now.

Wedding traditions vary but in my area, it is traditional to invite the wedding party and their spouses and parents only to the rehearsal dinner. (By its name-it is for those who were at the rehearsal.) It is also considered a slight to not be invited to the shower.

I agree with the others. Take the high road and leave the family drama at home.

Linda-whose just been through all this.

Say nothing to brother. In the receiving line ---if there is one--- or when you have some face to face with his mother, clasp her hand graciously and congratulate her, lean in and whisper.... Sis and I understand about the dinner, no shame in not being able to afford to have everyone, don't worry about it one little bit! .... and sail away majestically with a warm smile.

Just returned from yoga. Something about being on the mat that just grounds me. I'm going to let it go. Namaste.
My sister and I will treat it as a girls weekend that happens to have a wedding. Too bad it's not in the Caribbean ;)

What good will come by telling your brother? Will expressing your hurt really help you feel better?

Many wedding ' customs' have changed.

In our area, the only out of towners invited to showers are close relatives and those in the wedding party.

The bride's mother doesn't display the wedding gifts anymore.

I haven't seen a receiving line in many years.

Often, wedding pictures are taken before the ceremony.

Rehearsal dinners don't always include all the out of towners anymore.

We attend a lot of weddings, every one has its own special twist.

My recent most favorite was 2 weeks ago when our nephew had his sister as Best Maid, instead of having a best man.

ML

kswl - I love it! You have to be the type of person who can carry it off though, like Maggie Smith as Countess Violet.

Thenk you, thenk you, gray ;-)

Good decision Polly.

KSWL- thanks for the laugh this lunch hour :)

Good for you Polly. :) I hope you enjoy the weekend.

kswl, love it! I would let it go for the most part but I would ask your brother if he can recommend a fabulous restaurant for the six of you ;-)

When my nieces got married and both are out of town, we went to the wedding. It would never have dawned on me to be expected to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. My mom (their grandmother) was also from out of town and wasn`t invited either.

This wedding isn`t about you. Let it go. It sounds like there are already some uncomfortable family dynamics in the past, why cause some for the future.

I really like kswl's response for the mother. As for your brother, it is also possible that he is not even aware that you are not invited. I hope you and your sister have a wonderful time together!

"Should I say something to my brother the groom? Or just keep quiet as to not cause any drama?"

Nope...don't say anything. Keep quiet. Let it go. Your poor brother is caught in the middle between his bit** of a mother and siblings that he probably wants to include. Let him enjoy this time without any added stress from a family fight.

You and the other siblings should go out to a nice dinner and toast your brothers happiness.

I think you've gotten great advice and you've made a good decision. I would just add, if you think it's an intentional oversight, I would not give the slighter the satisfaction of knowing you were slighted by ever mentioning it to anyone.

"My mom (their grandmother) was also from out of town and wasn`t invited either."

In my neck of the wood, anyone who did that would be banished from the family forever. Or granny would come anyway, push somebody out of a chair, oops, and sit down at the head table.

Different areas, different customs :-)

LOL, kswl! Sounds like something right out of a Steel Magnolia mouth! Polly, good for you in letting go. Yoga can definitely give you a chance to reflect and change perspective. Namaste, and enjoy the time with your sis.

Call me crazy but I'd be delighted if I didn't have to go to the rehearsal dinner! You can have a nice dinner or sightsee or something. Let it go, it ain't worth a fuss.