I suppose it would depend on the circumstances in which your comments were made. Since he's behind the policy, then calling him out personally might not be as bad as you feel. He might have expected some disagreement. It was set up for public comment, was it not?

Was he at the meeting? If not, I think giving him a call might be appropriate, to let him know that you called him out at the meeting and you want him to know that it was not intentional and that you are sorry to have spoken out against him with out his opportunity for rebuttal. If he was there, I'd just wait and see how the meeting goes before saying anything. He ought to be professional enough to expect disagreement with the idea.

Hope you don't beat yourself up too badly. This happens, we all put our foot in our mouths at one time or another-and we should all know how to mitigate for any injury to others.

If it wasn't a personal comment and was about business only, don't call him. I'm always amazed at attorneys, how they're pit bulls to each other in the courtroom, then shake hands afterwards, no hard feelings.

What I would do is wait until your meeting with him, if it's just the two of you, and begin your conversation with something like, "I hope you didn't take offense to what I said, it was only about the policy, not you."

Men are really good about getting over this stuff. What exactly did you say? lol

Maybe you're just feeling self conscious about doing something against your introverted nature?

If you were only speaking about the policy and not a personal attack, you have nothing to apologize for. After all, I'm sure everyone all ready knows this person is behind the new policy.

If you still feel you need to say something, do it at the top of your meeting. Say something like, "I hope you know my intention wasn't to throw you under the bus but rather to speak out against a policy I feel very strongly is wrong," or something like that.

As said above if it wasnâÂÂt a personal attack but was about the policy that you strongly believe is wrongâ¦do not get all soft now. No one ever said that standing up for your beliefs would be easy. All you can do now is make sure you are better prepared and armed with facts. Work on your presentation of the facts only. Do not revisit âÂÂpersonalâÂÂ, itâÂÂs over, move on. ItâÂÂs over move on!

First ask someone else who was at the meeting how you came across. Sometimes in our minds it is a lot worse than it really was. If they confirm your fears that you spoke inappropriately, then I would go and talk to him personally. Share with him that your actions and words did not accurately reflect your intent. Nervousness and emotions gave way. Then explain your fact based reasons for not liking the policy.

Decades ago a few of us attended a school board meeting to ask the board to consider hiring one sub instead of random multiples in the case where a teacher was on sick leave. We thought we got our message across; however the front page of the small town newspaper didn't accurately reflect the discussion. It came across as parents kicking the teacher when she was down. I felt horrible and went and spoke to the teachers spouse (friend of mine). I'm so glad I had that discussion. It may not have completely erased the damage, but it cleared my mind and gave the teachers family a different perspective from that reported in the paper. At least I knew that the affected party knew the true intent.

I'm always amazed at attorneys, how they're pit bulls to each other in the courtroom, then shake hands afterwards, no hard feelings.

Along that line, picture a man in your place, saying your words at the school board meeting. Would he seek out the other later and apologize or do you envision they'd just roll with it and keep on going?

Moonshadow, are you asking me or Nan? Either way I'd have to say they would not.

It was for nan. I wasn't too clear, was expanding on what you said oakley & basing it on (my own) observations of how men in general tend to interact with each other.

Thanks everyone. I think part of the reason I'm so mad at myself is because I did get emotional. I used to be one of only 2 women in a group of 30 managers at a large R&D facility. I made myself be tough. But now 20 years later I've lost my edge. I'll see some people that were at the meeting later today. I will ask them if I came off as bad as I think I did. The administrator was at the meeting. He is new to the district this year. When I tried to talk to him earlier he cut me off and said he was not going to debate the law with me. I did not want to debate the law. He seems to have a few things confused and I wanted to be sure he had all the facts. A group of parents asked for a meeting with him so he could hear why this issue is so important. He canceled that meeting. I don't know why he has a hard time listening. So I admit I don't have a lot of confidence in him. At the board meeting I think I said things like, Mr.X wants you to think this is about that but it's really about this. Or Mr.X asserts x,y,z to be true. Yes they are all true in some situations but not in this context. I just wish I would have said this policy instead of Mr. X. I think the policy could easily spark legal action and I just wanted the board to understand the implications. Our district has done a remarkable job in this tight economy keeping resources in the classrooms. I'd prefer to keep money in the classroom not the courtroom. Ugh!

nan53, your thread compels me to write because I've jumped into the deep end of school board/school district politics since last May--it's taking up loads of time from other parts of my life and it's so emotionally frustrating...

I will tell you a good phrase I heard attributed to Gandhi:
First they ignore you
Then they laugh at you
Then they fight you
Then you win

You're in the ignoring phase, where we were last year. The Supt. actually told an overflow room of parents that he didn't need to justify every single cut he made (including cutting *all* teacher-librarians--they're *all* gone). The SB just rubber-stamped his budget, which has since caused nationally embarrassing and *educationally devastating* (sickening, actually, to hear the effects on the kids) class-size and teacher-transfer disaster. Maybe he thought that would end it, since he's The Superintendent, but we have not given up and keep in mind that the flow chart has *us* at the top, not him. We're at the top, we elect the SB, the SB hires/fires the Supt, etc. and a majority of the SB seats are up for election this year. We've learned a massive amount in a short period of time about how to make SB/Supts accountable to the community they *serve*.

SO even if SB members or the Supt. think they can say that they don't have to take the community's voice into account, they're just *wrong*. When is that SB member up for re-election? Run someone who is receptive against him. I know it takes longer than you would *think* it takes to get this massive bureaucratic oceanliner to change course, but it's actually faster in the long run.

Re what you actually said: it wasn't so bad, I can tell you. You kept it to his statements on policy, you didn't call him a name. That's where it crosses the line. If he is on record saying what you say he has, then you're in safe territory. Just have the quotes ready if the press comes knocking--you'll make your case *stronger* rather than weaker. People in bureaucracies love to hide behind passive formations and abstractions rather than face individual accountability. Sometimes you have to call things by their proper names.

Stay strong!

This post was edited by flyleft on Sun, Mar 17, 13 at 13:43

Thank you Flyleft. I can see how these activities can quickly take over large chunks of time and drain you emotionally. I have already had many sleepless nights. I appreciate your input and would welcome hearing strategies that have worked for you. I'm sorry you need to fight but aren't the kids lucky to have someone like you looking out for them!
Nan

HI nan,

Here are a couple of things that have worked for us:

1) Assemble in a group, meet regularly, give the group a name and attend every SB meeting and testify, say *something* and the person who testifies (someone different every month) should identify her/himself as a member of that group

2) Facebook page for public statements/supporting research (see below)--you don't have to wait for the press to decide to cover you -- group members can link to that page and spread the word *fast*

3) *local* papers, vs. larger metropolitan area papers -- they'll cover local SB issues more specifically and maybe you will even be able to grow a relationship with a reporter or editor

4) Arrange in-person meetings with each member of the SB (how many do you have? We have 7) and calmly, positively, make your case and find out what the Board member's stance is and what arguments back that stance. Learning their arguments/reservations is invaluable to creating effective advocacy events and materials. Stay in touch with those members through e-mail and periodic meetings. If they refuse to meet with you, onto the facebook page it goes

5) Find out which zones are up for re-election when, and start trying to find candidates who are qualified and interested in respecting the community's voice

6) Do online research to find out if what you're experiencing is happening elsewhere. I don't know what the specific issue is for you, but for us it's something that is spreading nationally and destroying public education wherever it takes hold. We have the track record of the group to be able to predict what they'll do in our town, and so far, the leopard hasn't changed its spots. REALLY valuable.

O.K., that's more than a couple...hope they help. If I could know what the specific issue is, I might be able to help point you in some research directions.

Flyleft, wonderful tips for anyone who has ever attempted to change things in their community. I am copying this list and printing it out for my files. Thank you.

Ah, and one more thing I'd add: It's *crucial* that your group coordinate its message, and also make sure you can trust every person who comes to a group meeting so your strategizing won't be broadcast before you can deploy it. We learned this the hard way. If individual people go off message it can ruin your entire public image and all your work--it's recoverable, but not a fun process, and a time-waster. Make a clear policy that anything that is said publicly is vetted by at least 3 trusted members. We revise and edit for each other all the time and I wouldn't be without it, even though I'm a published author and editor. This situation adds the extra layer of strategy to the usual informative writing, and strategy needs to be collaborative here.

Glad if it's useful, judith...sometimes I'm in shock realizing how much I've absorbed and experienced since 10 months ago, when I innocently wandered into a meeting of concerned parents...it's crazy. We are working pretty much every day, and long into the night...sometimes a person will have to take a decompressing break, and that's *very healthy*. That's another tip right there. Respect your rhythms...if you feel like you're burned out and tempted to shout "I don't CARE anymore!", step back, go do something really fun, treat your family to dinner and a movie, take enough time off that you feel like you can breathe and begin again. We've bonded, grown, suffered losses (including the sudden death of one of our most brilliant members) and celebrated victories, we've made news, we've had to bite our tongues...but for some reason this group has clicked, refused to give up, and we seem to be making some sort of 2-steps-forward-1-step-back kind of progress...which is unfortunately sometimes the most durable kind...but it's *frustrating*!

Thanks agin Flyleft! I will take your message to our group. I'm afraid I may be the one who said too much. I will never talk without a script again in that kind of situation. You have really given me great ideas. Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope you are making progress towards your goal.

Business is business, he should not take it personally, it goes with the territory.

It's all a learning process--don't worry--I agree with yayagal!

Nan, it seems to be bothering you. I think I'd simply give him a call and say just what you've said here. That you wish you had not made it personal, etc.

It's very easy to get emotional in the heat of the moment and hopefully he will see that and accept your apology graciously. I think giving him a call now will make for a more comfortable meeting. Just my thoughts!

tina