Hi sis2two, thank you so much for starting this post. :)

Not too much to update yet, getting ready to start the next/final IVF cycle in a couple of weeks. I had to go to my fertility doctor for a check-up a couple of weeks ago to check for scar tissue after my last D&C and thank God there was none so we can proceed with the start of my next cycle.

The last time I had seen my doctor at the end of December he wanted me to lose about 15lbs by March 1st as the fertility drugs pack the weight on (I gained about 25 total last time and then had a pity party afterwards with my negative results). I saw him at the end of January and had already lost 14 of the 15lbs so he was happy about that. It gave me something to focus on for the 5+/- weeks between appointments (plus I think 5lbs was water weight so it wasn't anything unhealthy to lose in that timeframe). Now I'm trying to get a few more pounds off and brace myself for the next cycle.

These past 2 months since my last negative pregnancy test have been rough. I wish I could have gone right into the next IVF cycle but it's not safe for a woman's body to do that. The waiting has made me question so many things and I did actually consider not doing this next round. The hormone manipulation and the way I felt were awful, the shots were harder than I thought they'd be, the disappointment of my body not producing enough viable eggs, the negative test, so many things that mentally took it's toll. Then I read an article about IVF and how too many women are doing it, not trusting Mother Nature when a body doesn't get pregnant naturally and how IVF is trying to force the situation. (Articles like that are why my doctors want me off the internet and Google. :) )

So, in a nutshell, it's a very anxious time for me. It's the Grand Finale so to speak and I'm already afraid of the possibility of it not working and where my life will lead next. I know they say mental attitude is everything in situations like this but I'm honestly just exhausted from it all. My marriage is stressed, my family relationships are stressed, I've dropped almost all my friends and just can't get out of my own way. My doctors want me to consider talking to a psychologist/mental help professional to sort my feelings out but I don't want to do that right now. I want to go back to my "old" self before the cancer and infertility issues and that's never going to happen.

I was so happy to see this post this morning. Knowing you are all thinking of me and praying for me warms my heart and brings me such comfort. I apologize this post isn't the happy-go-lucky response like I usually post, it's getting down to the wire and I'm so very nervous.

I feel for you and have been following your journey. ((((Thinking positive thoughts for you.)))

I think you should talk to a therapist now. This is too much to handle on your own. I am sure there are specialist who deal with infertility.

Again, thanks for the update and all the very best.

I'm glad you posted. I've often wondered how you are faring?

You have so much to deal with in this situation. If you don't want to go to a therapist do you have someone you can speak to? Perhaps there's a support group where you can talk to other women going through the same problems. I hate to think of you feeling so alone.

Emerald, as one who has walked a similar path, I wish you peace in this process. Know that you are not alone. No matter what, you will be alright because you are strong. If you need someone to talk to who really understands, let me know. (((Hugs)))

Many hugs to you. I hope you can talk to someone IRL to help unload. If you don't want to talk to someone, does it help you to write or type out your feelings?
Please keep us posted.

I'm thinking of you too emerald. I am hoping for the best outcome for you, and as Jan said, I wish you peace.

I know how hard it is to be obsessed with pregnancy and having all the odds stacked against you. I had different reasons than you and nothing is ever alike so I will not presume to know what you are going through. Just know I have you in my prayers and understand to a point what you are going through. (((HUGS)))

As others mentioned I do suggest you find some way to relieve the stress as when we are stressed certain hormones are increased and it isn't good for our bodies and can for some people make it even harder to achieve pregnancy. It certainly was true for me and I wish my doctor had brought it up earlier so I could have saved myself several months of nothing and just more frustration and failure (as I saw it as failure, just one more way my body was broken besides my small chances of carrying a baby that would survive as well as to term).

Once my doctor explained it to me I did everything I possible could to let go of the stress and it involved many different things as I wanted things to happen now. I really don't know which one worked. I joined a group and chatted with women with similar issues trying to get pregnant or had been, I got massages, acupuncture, increased my exercise, careful with my eating, and breathing stuff, tried meditation, steered my mind to try to think positive thoughts as soon as a negative crept in. Did lots of stuff with friends to take my mind off things. I also told my friends not to talk about pregnancy with me as it just hurt thinking about it and that I would tell them as soon as I knew. A few core ones were very supportive with my miscarriages and hospital stays so I tried to stick with them for doing things. Work also kept me really busy so it kept my mind off things during those hours.

Once I found ways to let go of the stress we finally had luck and even more luck as I managed to not loose this one and she only came 4 weeks early. She was truly a miracle and against lots of odds. Unfortunately she won't have a sibling as my last miscarriage put an end to anymore children.

I haven't been on GW for sometime and came this morning just to check on you. As others have said, please consider talking with
someone. I am sure those of us who have shared similiar situations would be more than willing to listen one on one, even though we aren't trained specialist, we can offer support.

We will all keep you in our prayers.

We certainly have your back, even if it's only here in cyberworld, you deserve things to work out in your favour, and you will be such a good mother.

Thank you as always for your continued support, prayers and suggestions. This forum has been one of the best outlets for me to post and read since I first posted after my diagnosis. Somehow I just KNEW this was the place to write about my journey. :)

I have been thinking about your replies for the past few days before replying. The reason I never reached out to any of you after saying I would the last time I posted is pretty much the same reason that I don't want to talk to my friends/family, a therapist, a support group, etc. There really isn't anything to "talk" about, it's all a matter of waiting to see what happens with the next treatment. No amount of talking is going to change the future and the more I think about mental help, I'm afraid so many more things will add to my stress (why didn't I have a baby sooner, why did I have to delay starting a family to have the "perfect" time to start, what is going to define my life if I never have a baby). This is all I think about for the most part. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still function as a regular person day in and day out but this is always in the back of my head. It's exhausting to tell anyone who asks how I'm doing as there is really nothing to say, if that makes any sense. So in that regard, avoidance is the easiest solution. My poor husband, he's done anything and everything for me and I don't even want to talk to him some days. I mean, I do. It's not fair to him to have a wife caught up in her own head-chaos but honestly, some days I'm just faking life.

In regards to the hormone levels and stress, my doctors and my nutritionist did explain it all to me. My estrogen levels and cortisol levels have to be managed to ensure my body is healthy. Of course, worrying about stress causes me to stress out! :) I have been eating very healthy for the past year and a half plus I exercise at least an hour a day. I joined a yoga class but decided not to go back, I'm not really a yoga-type person but wanted to give it a shot.

My fertility doctor asked me sincerely if there was anything he could do for me to help me personally. I jokingly said "Put me in a coma for these 2 months until the IVF is over." and I guess I really wasn't joking. I just want to click my heels and get to the future knowing my fate. He wants to be sure DH and I are taking time for ourselves and doing things together, enjoying life, etc. but I don't really understand how to do that at this point.

I probably already wrote too much here but just wanted you all to know where I am at right now. Thank you again for checking in on me and writing to me here. I mostly lurk and read the posts here but I'm always around. :)

I have just found my post thank goodness! Kept going back to the one I posted on the other side and there was no response so I was glad to hear from you. You are in my prayers. I'm so sorry that you have been so stressed and I'm sure talking to someone could help so much. I've never been through anything like what you are going through. It is obvious that you pray so I feel that I can say this to you. As difficult as it is, you need to give this whole situation over to the good Lord and trust Him with the situation, even if it doesn't line up with what you want. That is the only way you can have peace about it. You have been through so much and you have to believe that YOU have done everything humanly possible. What a fighter you are and I admire you! I hope things work out the way you want, but if they don't, there may be a purpose that you are not yet aware of. Just trust.

Thank you so much, sis2two! I am trying to keep my faith in God and trust that He knows what is best for me but some days it's so hard.

Oops, I never saw the thread on the other side of the forum. Sorry!

Starting my meds in the next week or so, it's 2 weeks of BCP to start. I cried the whole 2 weeks I took them for no reason except the influx of hormones. It was rough!

Bookmarking Deee's article from Iheartgiantschnauzer's thread.

I wish I could show this to a few people in my life and let them know I need my circle and safe place from them sometimes. I could name 5 people off the top of my head that I thought were going to be a strong support in my journey and each of them in their own way expressed how my situation is affecting them in a negative way (sorry my cancer and infertility struggles weren't in your schedule, they weren't in mine either tyvm).

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

As I was reading about your situation I am thinking of a friend of mine. She went through years of fertility treatments. Her story is one of tragedy and miracles. She withdrew from all her friends and even now keeps distant. I hope you can reconnect with your friends. You don't need to talk about anything serious. Just have fun, go shopping, drink some tea, laugh. This is one thing I don't think my friend understood. That you can be with your friends without talking about it, unless you want to.

One thing that jumped out at me was your comment about defining your life if you never have a baby. While it might seem easy for others to say, your life, as a woman, is not about whether you give birth or not. Some of the most wonderful woman I know of (famous ones, and friends and family) never had children. God chose a different path for them. I'm going to pray for you specifically that you find peace in your life no matter what the future holds.

It sounds like your husband loves your dearly and will always love you no matter what. Love him back.