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yourstilniagarafalls

Are any of you without children (by choice)?

Just curious, really. My DH and I are in our mid-forties and do not have children, other than two cats, of course.

Comments (86)

  • mtnrdredux_gw
    11 years ago

    My DH always jokes that our culture glorifies mothers and soldiers because otherwise no one in their right mind would want to do either. Too few people actually think about the choice of having children.

    DH also says they make babies so cute because otherwise we would have to kill them. When the cuteness wears off, you are left with actual people. People who you can't really control and who might be very different from you. Mine are still young and sweet, but I have seen it happen.

    In our particular circumstances my DH and I have a lot of leisure time and time together, so I don't feel as though I give up my relationship with him to have a family, but i think many do.

    All in all, being a parent has the Good the Bad and the Ugly. It is an entirely legitimate and understandable decision not to, imho.

  • ILoveRed
    11 years ago

    I have a couple of friends that are child free.

    I on the other hand found myself starting over with twins in my forties after practically raising my dds.

    Sometimes I find myself a little jealous of my childfree friends. But, most of the time I have the attitude that what is meant to be will be. Child rearing is exhausting. If you know you don't want kids, don't have them. More power to you. I have to admit that at times I guiltily wonder what I would be doing with my time if I wasn't raising 10 yr old boys. Then my dh smacks me in the face and says snap out of it.

    Still thinking about the rice pudding in the mason jar in Paris that I will probably never get to taste ;-)

  • Mimou-GW
    11 years ago

    I never felt the need to have kids and also used the phrase, "child free" but after 16 years of marriage, I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't something I wanted. Early in my pregnancy I thought I was having a miscarriage and realized I felt disappointed and really did want the baby. So at age 39 I had a beautiful baby boy. He was so much fun that we ended up adopting a second child when I was 48 (I love my DS2, but that is not something I'd recommend). So I guess I'm someone who changed my projected path. I do sometimes think what if... But I am happy to have so much love in my life.
    Nan

  • fourkids4us
    11 years ago

    redlover, same thing happened to my aunt. She had three daughters when she was very young (she got pregnant right out of h.s., married, and had three daughters by the time she was 21). She and my uncle got divorced eventually, she remarried, and about 10 years later, at age 42, found herself unexpectedly pregnant. She had horrible morning sickness (which I had just been thru while pregnant with my first baby) and I told her that my ob had said that was often a sign of twins and with her advanced age, the chances of twins were even higher. She hadn't yet had her u/s, but she called me later to tell me that she was pregnant with twins! So here she was with three daughters in their twenties, and she ended up with b/g twins. They are turning 12 this year.

    My aunt is only 10 years older than me - I used to babysit her older girls when they were little. Never expected that we would end up having babies later at the same time - my son is the same age as her twins!

    I have a friend who had a child when she was a freshman in college. She later got married and had two more girls before getting divorced. Remarried, had three children with 2nd husband. Then found herself pregnant again when she was 43. Yikes! Her oldest is now about 28 and her youngest is 4. YIKES! I cannot imagine such a span!

    Nan, that is a beautiful story. I always wanted to adopt (my younger sister is adopted) and had planned to after we had our 3rd, but then I unexpectedly got pregnant with #4. I still dream about it but I have my hands full now. I sometimes think maybe, just maybe, we could adopt an older child.

  • golddust
    11 years ago

    I feel like I have been parenting for the majority of my life. I gave birth to Aimee. When she was 16, we adopted Derek. Aimee was a senior in high school when we adopted Max.

    I loved being a parent so much that I felt I would hender Aimee's development if I didn't busy myself with more kids. So we adopted kids when I was in my early 30s. No regrets. Our youngest is now pushing 25 and we have 'Mom' with us now... Since she has demenica, it is kind of like having another child. LOL.

  • dedtired
    11 years ago

    Red Lover -- I raised two boys and went through a divorce before I had that rice pudding in Paris. You never know what life has in store for you. BTW, I was in Paris with a wonderful new man. He and his ex wanted kids and could not have them. I am certain without a doubt he'd have traded the trip to Paris for children.

    You will be plenty young enough for travel when those boys are grown. I was 63 in that trip. I love my sons so much, I can't imagine life without them. However, they have both been adults for a long time and neither has kids nor seems interested. Go figure!

  • ILoveRed
    11 years ago

    Dedtired--someday I'll make it to Paris. Please don't get me wrong. I have no regrets. My boys bring me joy every day, even if i cant get them to shower!

    I'll get there, and when I do, I plan to sample that rice pudding. You are right, none of us really know what is in store for us.

    Fourkids4us--loved reading your post. My boys are 10 yr old Uncles to my new grand baby. I would love to show a picture. It is really hilarious. You are right, when us older gals get pg it's more often twins so be careful!

    Hope we haven't hijacked the thread.

  • gsciencechick
    11 years ago

    I am turning 50 this year, and I have no kids. Like patriceny, I always felt even at a young age it was not for me. I grew up with a loving family, and I became an aunt at age 13. I love my 10 nieces and nephews and almost as many great-nieces and nephews, but I never felt the desire to have children of my own.

    I wanted to pursue higher education and I've completed a doctorate. This would have been difficult (but not impossible) to do with children. I also had some very long dry spells romantically during my grad school years and afterwards so there was no real possibility of children.

    I met DH when I was 40, and we got married when I was 43. He is 7 years younger than I am. Now and then I think I wouldn't mind a child, but I am really too old and set in my ways now. I do not want to do in-vitro, I do not want to be pregnant, and most adoptions are out because of my age. China allows up to age 50, but the wait for a healthy child is now about 4 years. Combining the wait with the huge cost makes this extremely unlikely. Athough, seeing a colleague's Chinese daughter makes me melt a little bit. She says they were fortunate they got in at the tail end before adoptions became more diffucult. Special needs kids from China can take less than year, but DH had a little brother with severe disabilities, and he feels he cannot go through that again.

    Yes, sometimes I had a little regret because my siblings are very busy with their kids and grandkids--I especially noticed this at my mother's funeral, but, really, I am happy with DH and the cats though our family is small. Also, my students are my "kids."

  • ljwrar
    11 years ago

    I am turning 49 next month and am childless by choice. When I was younger, I thought I'd have kids. But when I reached my mid thirties, I wasn't married, did not want to start a family without a partner and did not want to get married just to have a family, so I decided I could be happy without having children.

    I was 39 when DH and I married, so we had a couple years to make the decision. DH did not want children but made it clear I could talk him into it. By then, I really wasn't sure. We pretty much let enough time pass that the decision was made for us.

    Sometimes I think I'd like to have grown children. I know I don't have the energy for little ones now!

    Lisa

  • kellyeng
    11 years ago

    I had my son 11 days after turning 18.

    My family was a mess and I moved in with my 22 yo BF when I was 16. At the time, I had a strong desire to have my own family. A family that loved and laughed and respected each other. So I talked my BF into having a baby and two weeks after he said okay, I was pregnant!

    We married when my son was 8 months old and divorced when he was 2 years old. My world fell apart at the tender age of 20. I put it back together again, making a lot of mistakes along the way, going through a very selfish absentee-mom partying phase that I will forever regret.

    I came to the conclusion that if I had not had my son so young, I would have been childless. It's really hard to reconcile the fact that, while my son is a treasure, I regret my immature, impulsive decision to have him.

    My DH of 16 years is childless. He never wanted children because he said that he wasn't ever going to be finished being a kid himself.

  • stinky-gardener
    11 years ago

    Oh Kelly! Have compassion for that young person you were. You may have not done the so-called, text book "Right Thing," but you followed your heart; the love that brought your son into this world was true. Throw away the judgements & stop calling yourself names-"immature, impulsive" & so on. As Red Lover so wisely noted, "I have the attitude that what is meant to be will be." Your son is meant to be here & you are meant to be his mom... & it all happened as it needed to. I know your path has been full of twists & turns, pain & hardship, but your story is evidence of the miracle & mystery that is life! It brought tears to my eyes.

    So many of the stories & reflections that have been shared here are incredibly touching & powerful! Indeed, this is one of the most moving threads I have had the privilege of reading in my time here. Such a wealth of experiences...so much love, depth & mystery! Isn't life incredible?

    Nan53~"after 16 years of marriage, I found out I was pregnant" Wow! Just Wow!

    Mtnrd~"...our culture glorifies mothers and soldiers because otherwise no one in their right mind would want to do either." Isn't there so much truth there? Beautiful.

    Red Lover~"found myself starting over with twins in my forties after practically raising my dds." Amazing!

    Golddust~"...I loved being a parent so much." It's your calling, Gold! I love reading about your love for children!

    Gsciencechick~"...seeing a colleague's Chinese daughter makes me melt a little." I hear you.

    Dedtired sums it up so well~"You never know what life has in store for you."

    Thanks for starting this amazing thread,YoursTilNiagaraFalls!

  • golddust
    11 years ago

    Kelly, I was a young Mother too. Aimee's father was very abusive. I stayed with him until I was old enough to do it myself. I was divorced at age 19 with a pre kindergartener. It was Aimee and I against the world.

    The fact that I couldn't afford a telephone or a TV was a good thing. No distractions allowed me time to teach her things and read to her. She went straight to the head of the class and into the gifted programs at school.

    Yes, many mistakes were made with all of my kids but I taught them what a sincere apology looked like. Lol.

  • teacats
    11 years ago

    No kids here. 54 years old. Just cats.

    And yes! I have heard all of the "nice" (cough, cough, cough) things that other "nice" ladies (cough, cough, cough) say to me ... seriously I have thought of some true zingers to throw back -- but I just bite my tongue ... and pour another drink -- and smile a very evil grin! :)

    As I mentioned on another thread -- my personal fav is "Well, of course YOUR house is clean -- you don't have children!!!"

  • kkay_md
    11 years ago

    Parenting is not for the faint of heart. Our daughter has been seriously ill at different points in her life, which has had a huge impact on us. I resisted having a second child because she was so very difficult, but thank goodness, we did. Our son is extremely easy, has faced none of the difficulties that his sister has faced, and has given our family a balance that has been so restorative.

    We are fortunate that we have a strong marriage, the financial resources, and the internal fortitude to deal with the difficulties we have faced, but it's not been an easy path. But, none of us has a crystal ball, and here I am. My daughter is brilliant (and still has difficulties), and my son is a remarkable young man. They are interesting, often delightful people. But parenthood is not something to be entered into lightly, and no one should feel pressured into such an undertaking.

  • WalnutCreek Zone 7b/8a
    11 years ago

    Mtnrdredux said, "All in all, being a parent has the Good the Bad and the Ugly. It is an entirely legitimate and understandable decision not to, imho."

    This is so, so true. Back in my younger days, I had children just because it was what you did once you were married. I did not get pregnant for 2 1/2 years after we were married, and neither my husband or myself were ebullient about it nor were we angered about it - it is just what a married person did. However, I don't think either of us would have been unhappy if we never got pregnant. It sure changed our lives and our routines. A little over 2 years later, we had another baby - same feelings as mentioned about the first pregnancy.

    I don't believe I was a bad mother, but I don't believe I was a good mother and the same goes for my husband.

    Looking back on it, we probably should not have had children. Each of us ended up loving the children when they were young, but as they grew older, we did not like either child and still love but do not like. IMO we should have been a childless couple, and I have to give kudos to those who thought about having children or not and being honest enough with themselves when deciding not to have children.

    So what Mtn says is so true. And I wish to god that this forum had been around for me to read so many years ago.

  • runninginplace
    11 years ago

    As stinky says, this is an amazing topic and people certainly do have a range of experiences as wide as the universe.

    I am like a few others who knew even as a child what I wanted to do WRT children. I always saw myself having kids, and although (maybe because?) I come from a very large family I knew without a doubt that two was my limit, no more no less. I was very fortunate to indeed have two healthy children who have grown to be pretty great young adults.

    I find it surprising that folks who are childless for ANY reason would have such hurtful things said about it. In our family of six siblings, 3 of us are parents and 3 are not. None of us would dream of judging each other for either decision!

    Ann

  • goldgirl
    11 years ago

    I am, as well. Although I don't recall anything hurtful ever being said, I've certainly experienced awkward reactions and stilted conversations when people have asked and I've responded that we don't have kids. Or people will say, "Oh, but you have your dogs." I know they mean well, but as much as I adore my dogs, they are not substitute children.

    I didn't grow up in a large or extended family and just never had a great urge to have children, although when my friends were starting their families, I did at times feel like I should. I also spent much of my 30s at the opposite end of the spectrum - dealing with aging/sick parents for extended periods of time.

    I think people who have kids and those who don't are just who they are - neither group is more noble or braver or more or less selfish than the either. I bring up the last point because I've heard of people claiming that those who don't have children are somehow selfish or not strong enough to do so. I also don't get how people assume that I don't like kids, just because I don't have my own.

    I know someone from a large family who isn't "allowed" to host Christmas at her house because she and her husband don't have children. Amazing.

  • marlene_2007
    11 years ago

    Goldgirl said:

    "I know someone from a large family who isn't "allowed" to host Christmas at her house because she and her husband don't have children. Amazing. "

    I am just shaking my head at that GG.

    I'm 64 and don't have human children. I haven't had any mean comments made to me, just stupid and ignorant ones. Not only did I choose not to marry (until I was 58) but I chose not to work for the most part. My lifestyle was/is not the norm and to this day I get the most ridiculous questions asked.

    I never made a conscious decision not to have children. It just wasn't something I thought about, except for a short time in my 40's. I didn't even have fur kids until I was 46. I adore children. My volunteer work has been mostly with kids. However, I am very comfortable being a mom to two fur kids and don't regret not having human children.

  • hhireno
    11 years ago

    That's funny - I host my family Xmas, in part, because I don't have children and, therefore, have more room at my house for everyone to gather & stay.

    I know I'm lucky to be part of my family but I'm reminded of that when I read some of these comments made to others. I also realize that I'm even lucky to have my husband's family because they wouldn't dream of commenting on such a personal topic.

  • kswl2
    11 years ago

    Very interesting replies, all of them. I wasn't wild about the idea of having children and we had not intention of starting a family when I became pregnant about a year and a half after we married. We were both shocked! (And dumb, obviously) I worked until our son was two and then took off many years to be a SAHM to our eventual three kids. It was a decision DH and I made together, mostly because he was in a training program that kept him busy more than 100 hours a week. If I had gone back to my former profession our kids would have seen a nanny more than either of us, so we decided I would be "the" parent for about 8 years and it lasted more than 20 :-) I haven't regretted that decision, as I've been fortunate to be involved in many non-profits both as a grunt and as a board member and that work has been interesting and fulfilling.

    For years I traveled alone with three kids and made almost all the decisions and it never occurred to me that there was anything onerous about it as that was my job. And I admit, both DH and I are better at clearly delineated roles---defined by us---rather than sharing responsibilities. I see so many parents today who are very much a team and think that must be nice, but OTOH if I am honest I think that consistency must be difficult in such an arrangement and it wouldn't have suited me at all.

    So, our children were more fateful than planned, and in a way I am glad because we might not have had any otherwise. Our own children show no interest in having families and that's entirely their own affair---I would never dream of trying to influence their decisions by hints, or guilt or bribes.

  • kswl2
    11 years ago

    Mtnredux, you may be interested in a book called Far From the Tree, by Andrew Solomon. It's a thoughtful and engrossing work of non-fiction about parents raising children who are not like them at all (apropos of your comment above). It's a very good read.

  • Olychick
    11 years ago

    As I've shared here before, I had a child when I was young who was placed for adoption. A few years later I married a wonderful man and always assumed I'd have more children. But the trauma of losing my first child, neatly stuffed away emotions about that event ("it will be best for you and your child, you'll get on with your life and forget all about it" oh, how wrong they were) combined to make me terrified of getting pregnant again. The unacknowledged loss and the fear related to it, made the thought of pregnancy more than I could bear. And I didn't know why I was so fearful about it until I was reunited with my son. (Duh!)

    So at 42, I became a mother to the son who was adopted and found me. He has two mothers, my role is more mentor, supporter and grandma to his little boy. His adoptive mother will always be his mommy/mother. I sometimes wish I'd had other children so he would have siblings by blood, but his adoptive family was large and I think he loves having me all to himself.

    Some would say that I am enjoying/reaping the benefits of motherhood and grandmotherhood without the trials and work of raising my son. But the life altering grief of losing a child to adoption did not make this path to motherhood any less difficult.

  • anele_gw
    11 years ago

    I find it very disturbing that people are harassed for not having children. First of all, it's no one's business. (It's also not anyone's business that I have 5 kids, and all girls, but I still get plenty of comments . . .) Second, if you wanted them and could not have them, how hurtful is that? Horribly. Third, if you choose not to have them because you do not want them, then obviously you are smart, not selfish.

    The world is no danger of being underpopulated. Who doesn't know this?

    The only thing I do not get is people comparing their pet experiences to having children. I love my pets, and have had pets before having children, so I know what it's like to have pets and not kids. But, I also know what it's like to have kids, and the experiences are very different for ME.

    For me, having kids was like having a rebirth. I have seen myself in new ways . . .in some ways that I don't like, mind you. Children are the most honest mirror in the world, and I think that is the root of why they are so difficult. We see ourselves most clearly in them.

  • roarah
    11 years ago

    Olychick, The most important part of parenting is to act selflessly and to sacrifice alot inorder to do what is in the best interest of one's child. You made the greatest selfless sacrifice for your son so you have every right to enjoy now being in his life as a parent and grandparent to his children. We should all be so lucky as to have two mothers.

  • golddust
    11 years ago

    Well said, Anele. I agree with you completely.

    Olychick, I am so happy you are with your son. As a young Mom, I felt pressure to give Aimee up for adoption. I threatened to run away but settled for marriage and complete financial independence at age 14. Aimee is so awesome but I ponder who she could have been with the advantages adoptive parents could have provided. Maybe your son got the best of everything because of your sacrifice. I thought of me. You thought of your child.

  • bestyears
    11 years ago

    anele -so well said. You wrote what I was thinking, but you said it better.

    olychick and gold dust: There's not a mother anywhere who doesn't second-guess a thousand things she did or didn't do with regards to her children. Let yourselves off the hook. The fact that you had very similar situations, but managed them in opposite fashions, and yet BOTH STILL question your decisions, is all the proof you need that there is no perfect scenario. You both did the best you could at the time, with the resources you had. There are two wonderful young adults at this point in both journeys, and that is a wonderful thing for all the people in their lives....

    This thread reminds me of a thought I frequently have..... Why are we so unnecessarily harsh with each other all the time? People make imperfect, but brave attempts all the time, and it seems there is always a judge and jury ready to pounce. What if we all walked around giving people the benefit of the doubt? What if we were just kinder than we needed to be? We could take a lesson from cats and dogs in this area....

  • jmck_nc
    11 years ago

    Such a fascinating thread with such insightful posters. I rarely post but feel compelled to weigh in on this one. I have two children, always thought I would have children but found it tough to say "ok, this is the right time". I wished I would have gotten pregnant by accident. My oldest has Down syndrome, and while I could not love him more, and parenting him has taught me so much and made me a better person, I wish I could look forward to an empty nest someday (he's 23). In fact, that was one of the first things I worried about after he was born....what if he never grows up and goes away (awful, but that is what I want from my kids). My younger son is 19 and a great kid, but will probably struggle a bit before getting his act together and having his own life. My husband would have loved a house full of kids. Honestly, I dislike being a caregiver.

    I am also an adoptee, so interested in that aspect. To say that my adoptive mother is difficult is an understatement...but it is what it is. I have never searched for my birth parents because I did not want to waltz in where I wasn't wanted or disrupt her life. My brother did find his Bparents, and while he keeps in touch with his Bmom, it is not really a "relationship". Anyway, all that to say thanks for a thought provoking thread.
    Wish more people would be so thoughtful about whether to become parents. It amazes me that people will judge others choices so harshly...it is the opposite of selfish to refrain from having children if you don't feel it is right for you.

  • roarah
    11 years ago

    Golddust, You too made a huge and selfless sacrifice for your child. You gave up your youth in her best interest. A different sacrifice than Olychick but one that was made with love and although you say you made it for you, I think you made it for your daughter and once you made the decision you carried it out with love, grace, and sacrifice but with great result. You both took paths, that all though totally different, show that you are both wonderful parents because neither path was easy nor made in haste.

    To those who have choosen to not parent, I applaude your ability to know what will or will not work for you and you honesty to carry that very important decision thru. So many cave to the social pressure to fit a mold and they and their offspring then must face the consequences.

  • ILoveRed
    11 years ago

    Golddust said:

    "Olychick, I am so happy you are with your son. As a young Mom, I felt pressure to give Aimee up for adoption. I threatened to run away but settled for marriage and complete financial independence at age 14. Aimee is so awesome but I ponder who she could have been with the advantages adoptive parents could have provided. Maybe your son got the best of everything because of your sacrifice. I thought of me. You thought of your child."

    I admire both of you for both of your choices. And so many women who have posted on this thread, both with kids and without. Fascinating ladies with fascinating lives and stories. We can all learn something from each other..even more than the proper height to hang a picture :-)

    So glad you started this thread TillniagaraFalls...even if it did go a little off the original topic.

  • YoursTilNiagaraFalls
    Original Author
    11 years ago

    Me too, red_lover. So much wisdom to be shared. I've been comforted, enlightened and inspired reading these stories.

  • blfenton
    11 years ago

    walnutcreek - I feel for you. Because honestly if I didn't like my children I would have begrudged my time raising them and I know that I am fortunate that I do like them. I'm not sure how great of a mom I was but within my limitations I did, like many of us, my best.

    bestyears - good question. Why are we sometimes so harsh not only with each other, but also to ourselves.

    Our choices to have or not have children is probably wrapped up in the way we ourselves were raised and that of course is then a result of how our own parents were raised. Sometimes we follow the same guidelines and sometimes we rebel against them. Our own personalities are defined in not only our DNA but also the way in which we were raised, our childhood/teenage experiences, our wishes for our future. I'm always amazed that we can't be more supportive of each other as women and the choices that we make instead of there being, in varying degrees, a we vs them attitude.
    To have children or not, to be a working mom or not, our choices are good for us but not necessarily for someone else.

    We make the best decision that we have the ability to make at the time that we are making it and yet we still have those hindsight questions. But those are usually done with more maturity and more experiences. Don't do that to yourself.

    Ok enough philosophical discussions for this morning. Have a good day everyone.

  • fourkids4us
    11 years ago

    With the exception of people that can't stand children at all, I have found that my kids have really benefited from their relationships with childless adults. We have two women that live across the street and have been our neighbors for 15 years. Their sexual orientation has never been announced, but they do have separate bedrooms. We have never asked as it doesn't really matter to us anyway. But they are in their late 50s/early 60s and have always treated my kids, as well as several other kids of our close neighbors, as if they were their nieces/nephews. They give them each presents for their birthdays, attend at least one sports game per season of the kids, piano recitals, etc. When the nephew of one of them came to visit, they invited my two boys for a sleepover, as they have developed a friendship with this nephew over the years as he comes to visit annually. Another time, they had the girls over for a sleepover, played games and watched movies then had a nice pancake breakfast in the morning. Then there is my SIL, who is childless not by choice, who has developed a strong bond with my oldest dd. She got married this summer in Portugal and dh took dd to Portugal to the wedding (she was the only one of the 10 nieces/nephews that went). These are just a couple of examples of the relationships my kids have had with childless adults. I cherish them. And I know my kids do.

    I would never question anyone's choice whether or not they choose to have kids. As the mom of four, I've had my share of nasty comments on my family size - not from family, but a couple of acquaintances as well as total strangers, so I can totally imagine the comments that childless people get. I do think it's human nature to question the choices of others when they make decisions that don't reflect our own, whether it's to have kids, or whether it's to own guns, to work or not work, etc. It's a form of self-validation. For some reason, people get defensive about their own choices when someone else's don't match their own, regardless of the reason!

    While I can't imagine my own life without children, I can certainly understand the choice others make not to have kids and no one should ever have to defend their decision one way or another to anyone else.

  • anele_gw
    11 years ago

    I was thinking about this thread as I was doing yet another load of dishes.

    I say this from the perspective of someone whose oldest is only (almost) 11. I'll find out if my analogy is true . . .

    Having kids is like having a party. In the stage I am in, there is SO MUCH WORK INVOLVED. Some of it I love, some I hate. Sometimes I resent the party planning, and wonder whose brilliant idea it was to have one. I wish I could spend time on my own interests instead of focusing on the party, which is all about pleasing others. Party planning takes creativity, organization, and determination. Sometimes you choose to plan a party, and sometimes it feels like it "just happened." Sometimes you are only going to invite a few guests, but maybe no one shows up, and maybe more than you planned arrive.

    Then, there is that point in the party where everything is going great. You are relaxed, having fun, but it all goes by way too fast. Suddenly, it's over. All of your hard work leaves you only with memories. Hopefully some guests come back to visit. Likely, you will have some regrets of how the party went, but it doesn't mean it wasn't a great party.

    Not a perfect analogy but that's all I could come up with!

  • YoursTilNiagaraFalls
    Original Author
    11 years ago

    I like that, anele! And really, your analogy could apply to so many facets of life.

  • 3katz4me
    11 years ago

    We're 55 and no kids. Like a lot of people without kids we have pets (cats) who live a very good life. I was never particularly ga-ga over babies. I couldn't wait to be old enough to get a real job so I didn't have to babysit. When we got married we both said not interested in having kids. I didn't grow up in a particularly happy home full of wonderful times I wanted to replicate with a family of my own. I always think that had something to do with the fact none of my siblings had kids either. I missed out on a lot of things as a kid and when I became an adult I was way more interested in making up for all of that than having kids.

    However as everyone we knew started having them then we started thinking maybe we would. I ended up with recurrent cancer at age 25 with a lot of uncertainty about my future - like whether I'd survive, whether we'd have a higher risk of birth defects from all the gawd awful treatment treatment I had. Finally we just decided if we were meant to have kids it would happen and if we weren't it wouldn't. It didn't and we have no regrets. We've been blessed in many ways and have a wonderful life.

    It is weird when your friends are all completely consumed with their kids and every minute detail of their lives. Fortunately we're at the stage where people's kids are grown and they are available to do other things again. Just a few helicopter parents who can't seem to let go even after the kids are out of the house and should be learning how to become independent adults.

  • susieq07
    11 years ago

    We are 69 & 75 were married 50 yrs. in 2012 and life is great! it just never happened, and we never bothered to find out why, we just got busy building a great life for us. However now at our age, I dread being alone one day or one without the other. We are truly soul mates in every sense.

  • ellendi
    11 years ago

    Good point Susie. Some people might very well have decided to have children so that they could count on someone as they age.
    The last thing I would want is for either of my daughter's to have to take care of me. Hopefully there will be other alternatives for me and my husband.

  • Olychick
    11 years ago

    One thing I observed over and over again when I was younger and volunteered in a Nursing Home the people with children often seemed to be way more unhappy than those without. The children could never be there enough for their children, no matter how much they visited. The days could be long and boring and depending on the abilities of the patient, lots and lots of time to sit and wait, wait, wait for the next visit. The people who had no children seemed more content, with no expectations of anyone; they seemed more emotionally self reliant.

    I realize this is a gross over-generalization, but I noticed it often enough to file it away in my mental "should I have children or not?" file. Just because you have children does not mean you won't have a lonely end of life. They could live across the country, or the world. They could have preceded you in death. They could just not have the temperament for caregiving.

  • ellendi
    11 years ago

    So very true.

  • franksmom_2010
    11 years ago

    We chose not to have children, and couldn't be happier about it. We had both individually given it a lot of thought and made that decision before we met, so there was no negotiating when we decided to get married.

    Some of the comments that have been made to me are just jaw-dropping. One rather pious co-worker told me that "God gave you a uterus because He wants you to have babies for your husband." My reply was "He also gave me a brain. To make up my own mind about how best to use my uterus." That particular person became almost obsessed with my childless state, and brought the subject up almost weekly. I was very close to bringing up this harrassment with the management, when I very thankfully found another job. Now I work with a lot of men, who frankly couldn't care less if I have a baby or not.

    I have been told that I'm stupid, selfish, wrong, less "womanly," that I obviously haven't thought this through, I'll change my mind once I have one of my own, etc., etc.

    Mind-numbing, infuriating, hurtful, mean, rude, and sometimes just ignorant comments. From lots of people, in lots of really inappropriate settings. Funny thing is, I would never think to comment on anyone's decision to have one child or twenty. Because IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

  • OllieJane
    11 years ago

    Gosh, there are a lot of you without children! Where were all of you when we went through our first 11 years of marriage without children, trying to decide?? LOL! DH and I were the only couple around, our age, without children, so our weekends were filled with going to dinner with my parents, and to the movies most weekends, which we enjoyed.

    I kept telling DH if we were going to try to adopt, it was going to be by the time I'm 40, or we weren't going to have any children. I wasn't even sure if I wanted any, but, I knew DH did. I always loved kids, but, really liked my freedom too. So, we decided we would adopt, and it happened SO QUICK, and he was born just a month before my 41st birthday. I was one of those that would have been just fine without kids, but, now that we have him, he has added so much to our lives. We have so many new friends (couples) because of him, and I love the sports and the busy-ness of it all. One was just enough for us-I see our friends with more, and I don't think I ever did see myself with more than one anyway.

    I totally get choosing not to have children, as it does hinder you in so many ways. I mean, we can't just pack up and go on a trip like we used to, we have school and then when we plan a vacation, it has to be after baseball in the summer, etc, etc. etc. Of course, he is our world and we don't mind a bit.

  • judithn
    11 years ago

    My husband was so strongly drawn to fatherhood, it was very important to him. The stereotypical woman-who-wants-a-baby was not at all how it was for me.. I was very torn because I predicted (and I happened to be right) that having a baby would dramatically change my life, my options, my workload. We now have two children and while being a parent has many rewards, the sacrifices are not to be glossed over. I often wonder how things would have turned out had we skipped this experience. I could have gone either way.

  • Vertise
    11 years ago

    What a lucky little boy, olliesmom!!

  • ellendi
    11 years ago

    franksmom, I always thought that you were Frank's Mom! Would you cae to share what your GW web actually means? Excuse me, if you think I'm being nosy.

  • Vertise
    11 years ago

    fur kid?

  • YoursTilNiagaraFalls
    Original Author
    11 years ago

    Hot dog?

  • ladybrowncoat
    10 years ago

    anele: "if you choose not to have them because you do not want them, then obviously you are smart, not selfish."

    I really need to remember this line :)

    My husband and I are in our early thirties and are most likely going to remain childfree. It is amazing how many people tell me I'm an awful person who doesn't know her own mind. Like a) it's any of their business and b) I care.

  • PRO
    Joseph Corlett, LLC
    10 years ago

    My wife of 32 years and I are childless by choice and have no regrets. We have wonderful nieces and nephews who have needed tuition assistance, places to live, help with automobiles, etc., so we've got a pretty good idea what parenting is like.

    Ironically, I love kids. I turn to mush around them. The arms outstretched pick-me-up stance of a toddler is irresistible.

  • lee676
    10 years ago

    I hear so many stories about parents who pressure their kids for grandchildren. Am I the only one who was actively discouraged by their parents from having kids? When I was 20, one morning my dad stormed into my room and flew into one of his tantrums, told me he didn't want me to ever have kids and would disown any child I had. My mom didn't seem to care one way or the other, but at least didn't pressure me to remain childless.

    I actually wanted to have kids at only 18 or 19 when i was in my early teens. I remember my gf from my junior year in college and imagining a future with the two of us together at home by the fireplace with our two rug rats. She would be the only woman I would ever have that thought about; by the time I left school I decided I would never have kids, and have only become more unwavering in that stance in the years since. Having to take care of young children would have reminded me of too many things I didn't want to be reminded about. I did contemplate being a foster parent, taking in someone at about 13, but circumstances didn't work out to allow that.

    I don't regret in the slightest not having kids. I occasionally hear from women who initially didn't want kids but found themselves reconsidering in their late 30s or early 40s. Something about biological clocks, or biological time bombs maybe. I almost never hear this from men; there seems to be a widespread misconception that men can become fathers into old age. Sometimes they can, but there are all sorts of things that can happen that will rule out that possibility. Treatment for an enlarged prostate left me infertile by my early 40s. Despite staunchly wanting not to have children, it somehow still irks me a bit that I ultimately couldn't make that choice myself.

  • anele_gw
    10 years ago

    Ladybrowncoat, I am so sorry that people say those things to you. I am amazed what comes out of people's mouths. We can keep cheering you on!

    Trebuchet, hearing about the way you are around children warms my heart. The world needs more people like you-- there are plenty of people who've given birth to children who don't feel that way. Frankly, I think that if more people chose NOT to have children, the world would be a kinder place. (That was a German pun, I guess!) 50% of all pregnancies are unplanned, so people who plan 100% (to have or not have children) are way ahead.

    Lee, while I have not discouraged my children from having kids (my oldest is only 12), I have also encouraged them to know that they should think long and hard before deciding. One of my children (9) states she never wants them. She wants to be a Broadway star and have 2 homes . . .kids just don't fit into that lifestyle, or not easily. She is really wonderful with her siblings and says she loves kids. She will make a lot of money babysitting someday-- just hope she sticks to her guns about not having children if that is what she continues to want.

    I am sorry about your infertility, though. You're right-- even though it was not a choice you would have made, it's comforting to have the option. I am also sorry about what your dad said. That must have hurt.

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