1) Do you know why the MOB does not want to have the wedding at your house? And I mean the real reason, not some polite excuse.

2) If I were you, I would not jump in with offers at this point. If they want a big wedding and are willing to pay for it, sit back, bite your tongue and keep your wallet closed.

What you have in mind is generous but it might come across as controlling via the purse.

Reading comprehension fail on my part. Reading this now, I realize the MOG is the one who does not want this at your house. I can understand why she would prefer more neutral territory.

This post was edited by graywings on Sun, Jan 18, 15 at 10:34

Post was deleted for privacy of third parties.

Thanks again for everyone's input!

Mtn.

This post was edited by mtnrdredux on Mon, Jan 19, 15 at 17:15

As my oldest DD prepares to head off to meet the BF's family this weekend (and us him), I thing I would just point out the expense of a large wedding and what that $$ could purchase. Perhaps not even offer an incentive initially. If they then rein it in, perhaps give them a "bonus" for thinking of the long term and just not in the thrill of the day.

Easy for me to say as an outsider! My DD worked at a CC thru college and would often talk of the extravagance of some weddings and $$ spent. Hopefully she remembers that when it's her turn.

Especially as the groom's mother figure/stepmother, I agree that the best thing at this point is to listen to their plans without judgment or input. While you have a strong opinion about the value of a wedding, young people often have a completely different view, especially young women with stars in their eyes and a bridal magazine in hand. If you let them figure out what they can truly afford on their own, you give them the gift of independence and a pre-marriage opportunity to practice the skills of budgeting and compromise.

If your stepson was raised primarily by his mother, I think it would be nice for you to go along with her wishes and reconsider having the wedding at your home. I know that I would be less than thrilled if one of my sons decided to have their wedding at my ex's home. I know it must be very tempting to have it at your place, as the setting is so lovely, but it would probably be difficult for your husband's ex.

I think as the stepmother of the groom, you will need to tread very carefully in this situation. Let the bride and her family take the lead, and just offer to help in whatever way they would like.

I have no idea what the bride's family is like--my parents are very middle-class, and I married into a very wealthy family. The wedding planning was a minefield of touchy feelings! And you have the added element of the groom's mother. Sensitivity will be key!

Agree, that while it is a high compliment to both you and your DH that they want to have it at your home and they must both have a great relationship with you, they must understand your stepson's Mother's being uncomfortable with the setting. Does the bride have an alternative?

As to the monetary help, I think I would listen to the bride's plans first and get an idea of what she and the groom have in mind before jumping in with an offer. You can, and probably will, have an opportunity to help out later in their lives with a gift. I know you would rather see them not spend a huge wad on the wedding and save for a house, but sometimes these lessons must be learned. A little guidance won't hurt though!

Oh mtn, my condolences....your situation is very tricky.

Did you say yes, or you and DH? If it was just you it will be easier for your DH to tell them very kindly that while you are hospitable to a fault, he thinks having it at your house may be upsetting to his son's mother, and of course no venue is worth hurting someone's feelings. They really cannot disagree with that (at least out loud).

Agree that dangling incentives is tacky. However, that has not prevented me from doing it. Will keep you informed on how that plays out.

And....no to the historic home where everything would be done in one place. She is iffy, he doesn't like it. They are looking at an arts center later today.

Edited for TMI .....will have to watch that!

This post was edited by kswl on Sat, Jan 17, 15 at 15:42

If they have their hearts set on your home, It would be very difficult to say no. Surely the must realize how it will effect the mom, but their wishes supersede moms feelings. With that said, if they do decide to have it at your house, you and DH need to include his ex in the planning as much as possible, although I would think most of the reception planning is with the brides family. The rehearsal dinner, typically hosted by the grooms family, would take place at a restaurant or other venue and this could be the moms major event to help plan. It will be the right thing to do to include her and make her feel welcome and it will make for a comfortable wedding day for all.

You will be able to gauge if you should mention forgoing a big affair. If they immediately gush about the wedding at your house....don't mention it. If they mention other possible venues, that would be an opening..."have you considered having a small wedding instead and using the $ on a house down payment?" Either way, I think you and DH should disclose how much you are gifting them so they can plan accordingly.

We have set aside $ for each child to use on a wedding, down payment, trip around the world...whatever. They know how much so when the time comes they know what they have to work with. And that's all they get until we die (of course we would help if they fell on hard times). DS 1 is done. He got 3/4 of the $ 4 years ego when he wanted to buy a condo. The rest went to paying for the rehearsal dinner (although we did pay the bar tab). We also paid for a brunch the next day but that was something I wanted to do.....they didn't care if there was a brunch or not.

Hmmm. Is gifting for a down payment taxable? Vs. paying for a party?

I have not read the other responses, so I may be repeating advice you've already received.

First all of my responses are based on the assumption that Stepson and Fiance are responsible adults of a certain maturity. If they are children, not out of college, and have no judgment, my answers would be totally different.

I think if your stepson and his fiance asked you to have the wedding at your home and you are agreeable, then there is no need for you to worry about ruffling the feathers of the first Mrs. Redux. Let Stepson deal with his mother. All you've done is give him something he has asked for. And even if you made an offer first, he could gently decline your offer if he were concerned about making his mother angry or uncomfortable.

And, if they are trying to be somewhat economical, saving the cost of a venue (church, synagogue, hotel ballroom, etc.) can be significant.

I think the offer of matching (especially a generous 2:1 match) is wonderful. Make the offer. Let them decide if they want to take you up on it.

We observed our son and now wife carefully and economically plan a truly beautiful, special wedding. The day before we presented them with a card and enclosed check. They were taken completely by surprise, overwhelmed, and very appreciative. Had they gone hog wild, I'd have been less inclined and taken less enjoyment in contributing.

I haven't had a chance to read in detail, but mtn, when you referred to "mother" I believe you speaking of your stepson's mother, not the bride's mother?

Would this be your summer home they are wanting to have the wedding at?

As far as question two goes, I know my son would bite his tongue and listen respectfully, but he would certainly not appreciate my trying to suggest, gently or otherwise, alternative uses for money. To do so would imply that I do not really trust him to make the 'right' decision...whatever that may be. He is an adult. Of course, your stepson and his fiancée are adults. I would think the decisions are theirs to make about finances for wedding vs down payment or whatever.

On question one, I was thinking the same as kswl-if it was just you saying yes, then I would do as she suggested.

Having been through one of those divorces 15 years ago, I would advise that you respect the groom's mother's feelings. She probably went through enough suffering and shouldn't be reminded of it on her son's wedding day.

I was in a similar situation. When my stepdaughter got married, her mother got all bent out of shape at even the idea of us getting involved in planning the wedding. Our ideas would have led to a nicer wedding, but I totally stepped back and let her mother plan and take over. Much as I love my stepdaughter, my husband's ex is her mom and I am not. There is nothing to be gained by having the mother feeling resentful at her child's wedding.

I think trying get them to not have a big wedding by offering more money if they use it for a down payment is a bit manipulative. I would offer them whatever amount I was going to give and tell them it's up them to how it's spent. I would also be having a conversation about how I feel that money could be best spent/saved, but in the end it would be up the couple.

Using your house/dealing with the ex wife is very tricky. I can understand why she might be uncomfortable with the idea. But I can also understand why the couple wants to use it. It's lovely, and there would be a significant cost savings! How does the bride's mother feel about having it there?

This post was edited by porkandham on Sat, Jan 17, 15 at 15:27

I think I would let your stepson work this out with his mother and let his mother know that he asked, you did not suggest. My niece married into a family where the parents are divorced and they *Often* listen to his biological mother and do what she wants as a priority even though he (and my niece) like her least out of any of the parents or step parents. She's always gotten her way, and it's probably easier on everyone for her to do so even though no one likes her for it. But I think those are waters for your stepson to navigate, not you.

Being the "bitter ex" that I am...I would think I totally failed my son if he could not take my feelings into account when choosing a venue.
Through all the separate birthdays,Christmases and celebratory dinners, this is one occasion you can not do twice.

I haven't read all the replies because of time, but I do believe in being upfront and honest. I would tell your stepson and future wife why you are uncomfortable about having the wedding at your house (his mother- her feelings are valid) and why you think big weddings are a waste of money, given their current state.
I would tell them you are going to give them a monetary gift for a wedding present/wedding contribution - to be used however they want-and that you hope they elope and use all the money on a house and that if they decide to do that, you would like to host a small dinner party reception at a restaurant.
But let them make the final decision. The dinner party being the only deciding factor, which isn't in the grand scheme, too controlling.

If they decide to use the gift on a huge wedding, well, it is their decision. I do think you can convey your thoughts on the entire affair unattached to money.

It's truly sad that a beautiful venue, your home, isn't an option. The wedding of a child is a long anticipated milestone where families come together in shared joy. I can empathize with his mother, and see you get it, too, MTN.
I agree with others to allow them to make their plans, along with her mother, if she's in the picture. You are definitely a " wearer of beige " here.
* as in " show up, shutup and wear. Beige ". :). :)

I agree totally with Bumblebeez and martinca.

Post was deleted for privacy of third parties.

Thanks again for everyone's input!

Mtn.

This post was edited by mtnrdredux on Mon, Jan 19, 15 at 17:17

I think everything you have said in your latest post sounds very reasonable!

Leaving it up to the son to decide on a venue is your best course of action IMO.

I guess one way to gently have your way on the modest wedding and avoid the emotional minefield might be to offer to rent a small/modest venue elsewhere?

I agree going hog wild on weddings isn't the best use of young people's money and letting them use 'their own' version of a budget will keep them reined in. We budgeted our own wedding and made lots of cost cutting choices because of that (it was also very stressful to try to do everything on a strict budget, mind you). We had no flowers, no live entertainment, low cost buffet, my dress was $100, provided own alcohol etc. The whole thing was still astonishingly pricey. It just so happens both of our sets of parents come from large, local families so we had a lot of family to invite relative to the 'friends list.' I think our families need more grudges! It would have been easier to keep it to friends and immediate family, but would have been equivalent to burning bridges with our extended families.

I would also say that in our culture (poorish WASP) cash gifts are uncommon and a large guest list wasn't a way to bring in the bucks, quite the contrary. I guess just to say that sometimes the bigger (>100) weddings really are for friends and family even if they seem to be about the bride and groom.

If either of my sons wanted to have their wedding at the home of their father and stepmother, I would be heartbroken. Not only would it be very uncomfortable for me, it would also be difficult for everyone on my side of the family, not to mention my friends that used to be his friends. Of course, if that was their heart's desire, I would suck it up. However, a day that is extremely important to me would end up being a day to just grit my teeth and get through it.

I hope they will reconsider and choose a different venue.

One - I would not have offered my home before being asked, but because they did (without inducement), I would be happy to host their special day. Mother not being happy is a concern between mother and son and no one else. If you want to be a saint, give the mother a call and graciously offer a co-hosting or at least let her know that her presence and input will be greatly appreciated. Just putting that out there - I have no chance of canonization in regards to my ex-husband.

Furthermore, If my son chose to have his wedding at his dad's house, I wouldn't have hurt feelings or feel uncomfortable. After all, it's not my day. Also, I might enjoy the "test" to see how they (ex & spouse) treated me in their home.

Two - So you are asking them to forgo a wedding entirely in exchange for the money? Or a smaller, more inexpensive wedding - still hosted at your home? If it's the latter, I think your offer is generous and something the couple should seriously consider. If the former, yes that is way too imposing and controlling.

It was very kind of you to offer up your house and I would leave it at that. Should they choose to take you up on it, it will be a great way for them to save money which will meet your 2nd objective. Beyond that, butt out. It's really up to the bride and her mother to decide what they want to do. (Grooms de facto and their families are secondary on these events and get involved only to the extent that the bride allows.) You certainly don't want a happy occasion to be tainted by any ill will with the exes or the steps.

Don't offer any financial incentive to do a wedding that you thing is appropriate. Not your business. As Judge Judy would say, you are the step mom...not the mom, dad or any direct member of that immediate family. It's really btw your DH and his ex and their child. You may have learned from your own experience, but as a Mom, I'm sure you understand that your children and step children have to learn certain lessons for themselves...

Sit back and enjoy the ride.

Uhoh, I would not "ask them exactly" what your DH's ex said. That gets into territory I would stay away from as much as possible. I don't even think you DH should ask that. Much smarter and kinder to just say that YOU BOTH are concerned about her feelings and understand them. If it was a difficult divorce situation, this is one time I would advise adult children about the choices they make. You will never in your life regret being kind and being kinder than necessary is the best choice.

Post was deleted for privacy of third parties.

Thanks again for everyone's input!

Mtn.

This post was edited by mtnrdredux on Mon, Jan 19, 15 at 17:18

Glad it went so well; it's a relief when those kinds of discussions exceed your expectations! One more step ahead...

We are waiting for our scientific couple to realize that a "nature venue" still means an indoor wedding in the month of December.

I guess it all works out in the end. The MIB complex at least employs a lot of people for all the angst it engenders, lol. Years ago I used to believe that marriage should be a five year, renewable contract, with wedding presents held in abeyance until the first renewal. I've reversed my position because now I realize that just means more weddings!

So glad the discussions went well, and it sounds like they are being very careful about budget, which is what you wanted anyway. Your home will make for one fabulous wedding. And this way they have so much more flexibility on timing. Now all you have to do is start appeasing the weather gods...
:)

Awesome!! So glad the chat went well.

Kswl- maybe a museum?

This post was edited by robotropolis on Sun, Jan 18, 15 at 10:44

They asked and you offered your home. Now I'd back away and let them decide.

In your position, I would not try to dissuade them from a big wedding. You might not know what the bride's family wants. It sounds like the bride's family is not financially supporting them, thus they are saving. I think I'd let them go along that path for a while and not offer up money at this point. Or you could put it right out on the table-this is what we will contribute (no strings attached, use it as they choose).

I would not try to double the amount to induce them to buy a house vs. have the wedding. However, there may be a happy meeting ground somewhere in the middle. That decision should be theirs.

That's just my opinion, based on how I have seen family and friends navigate this very important time in life.

In our family we gave our oldest her wedding fund to help defray the costs of her recent condo purchase. She had saved a substantial amount on her own. Our contribution made the payments more reasonable. However, if she gets married she will not get (much) financial help from us (oh we say that now, lol).

Good luck navigating this. It should be a time of joy!

Edited to add: I should have read all of the posts first! Sounds like you are off to a good start!

This post was edited by bonnieann925 on Sun, Jan 18, 15 at 9:50

mtn - Glad it worked out. As the ex-wife/MOG, I had no problems with anything my son wanted to do and gladly included his father and step-mother in the rehearsal dinner I hosted (they did not contribute). My son loved his father and his father loved him. That was enough for me!

Mtn, my father is an Episcopal minister, and he once told me that too many couples plan weddings around pleasing others or meeting certain social expectations when in fact a couple's wedding should reflect who they are as a couple and as individuals. So if the couple is a live-large couple, the wedding ought to reflect that if affordable; if they're a laid back couple, it should reflect that, and so on.

I think parents, if they are able, should offer to help, esp. young couples, achieve that goal. If there is potential conflict between the two sets of parentsâ¦or more, I think most people really just want to be heard and included in decisions. So why not sit down with the other mother (rhyme!) and ask her directly how she feels about the wedding being held at your house since that's what the kids have asked for and you want to get her input and help.

I think I'd stop, though, at making unsolicited suggestions. Easier said than done!

Recently went through the wedding of divorced parents bit. My SO was the father of the bride :-)

Outdoor, DIY wedding at a local "wedding ranch" with most of the money spent on the food - it was awesome.

As the non-mom I took a serious back seat ... it helped that the MOB was taking a very diva approach and was unwilling to pitch in and help with many of the setup tasks. She swooped in at the last minute so the mom-wrangling was kept to a minimum.

Ah! So glad the discussion went well and plans will be proceeding with your home as part of the plan. Sounds like a smart, lovely couple, and it will be fun.

Yay! Now, putting myself in your shoes I'm looking ahead to ward off problems. It's your home, but you may not play hostess...tricky. Any questions or plans re. Caterers, flowers etc. will be left to the couple and her mother. Oh man! This would be verrry hard for me: to sit on my hands and not butt in ! Start practicing these words: " that's up to you, ask your mother, dear, I only deal with logistics re the " venue " , parking, guest rooms and the like"!
But, oh, it will be beautiful! Just tread lightly. :)

Sounds like everything went well....first hurdle over!

It appears they want the Maine house which will be lovely, especially when the pool and landscaping are done. You will sure be busy this year getting everything in order but it will be fun too!

Post was deleted for privacy of third parties.

Thanks again for everyone's input!

Mtn.

This post was edited by mtnrdredux on Mon, Jan 19, 15 at 17:19

This is going to be a fun year, here on GW :)

Don't be surprised if the guest list starts to grow though...somehow that always seems to happen at weddings....

We offered to let a couple have their wedding at our house as their father was of modest means and was looking to keep it in budget. But we asked that they keep the guest list a reasonable size. The list rapidly grew to 250 so they knew our little house wasn't going to work....

Post was deleted for privacy of third parties.

Thanks again for everyone's input!

Mtn.

This post was edited by mtnrdredux on Mon, Jan 19, 15 at 17:20

Oh congrats how exciting. The only bit of advice I ever pass along when one expresses the hopes for keeping size or costs or both down with a wedding is to only invite people, outside of your family, with whom you have shared a meal with in the last year. It could be a quick coffee and a muffin but if you have not broken bread together in the last year and are not family it is ok to think twice about how close that relationship truly is in regards to a small intimate wedding.

Oh congrats how exciting. The only bit of advice I ever pass along when one expresses the hopes for keeping size or costs or both down with a wedding is to only invite people, outside of your family, with whom you have shared a meal with in the last year. It could be a quick coffee and a muffin but if you have not broken bread together in the last year and are not family it is ok to think twice about how close that relationship truly is in regards to a small intimate wedding.

Destination wedding cutting down the list? Don't count on it. That's not been the case in my family. With relatives and friends scattered around the world, every wedding of my children's generation has been a destination for most of the guests. And they weren't small weddings, either.

Post was deleted for privacy of third parties.

Thanks again for everyone's input!

Mtn.

This post was edited by mtnrdredux on Mon, Jan 19, 15 at 17:21

Made me think of your Maine house

{{gwi:2134317}}
from Chinoiserie Chic

Here is a link that might be useful: Chinoiserie Chic

BBSTX,

You have me pegged! In fact, I have gotten samples of that very fabric more than once, though I ended up not using it.

HOWEVER i do promise I am not going to get involved in any fun stuff. Porta potties (oh god I hope not) and parking, that'll be it. Not a peep outta me on the rest. They arent sure yet of the date or theme or colors or anything. I'm zipped. This ain't my rodeo.

Well, you could print it out and just have it laying about the house. If they happen to see it, who can say...... Who knows where a young bride-to-be might find inspiration.