I'm with you.... no thanks!

I understand why you're venting, but maybe if you think about it differently you won't feel so bad. :) They don't cook so "bringing something" isn't easy for them. They perceive picking up a large turkey as being inconvenient to you and probably costly, so I'm sure they think they are truly helping you. I would try to think of something they could purchase that would be helpful and when they offer a frozen bird you can tell them it's covered already and they can bring X instead. Maybe X can be a bouquet for the table or a bottle of wine. :)

This post was edited by party_music50 on Sun, Nov 24, 13 at 15:09

Of course you handled it exactly right. One wonders, however, what are they thinking if they think it's ok to bring an uncooked turkey. That boggles my mind! Really nervy, too.

It brings to mind a while back, "friends" south of us by 2.5 hr invited us to their place for Thanksgiving. I had already purchased a big turkey breast, made the make-ahead gravy, and had prepped the cornbread dressing. I took all that and also ingredients to make rolls, too. Off to Vero we went. What did the hostess have to do? Mashed potatoes? Veggie? Dessert? All purchased frozen, all inedible. Mrs. Smith's pumpkin pie isn't my idea of Thanksgiving. YUK! Yes, we got enough to eat, but NEVER again!

Sooz, you are a very savvy hostess!

The holidays are supposed to be the happiest times of the year, but they are also the most stressful because of personalities and great expectations - which are generally out of our control to a great extent. I've tried to figure things out by talking with my psychologist daughter, but she just laughs and then we both laugh and remember the night my sister-in-law had a melt-down when the pan she was baking a ham in blew up!!! (We still can't figure that one out.) Or the capon my mother left defrosting on the counter and our dog got it and ate it while we were at church.....(shades of Ralphy and "A Christmas Story").

Norman Rockwell may have painted the perfect Thanksgiving picture, but you know the fine folks in the picture were secretly thankful some family member couldn't make it that year.....and you know who I mean!!!

Overall, I dislike holidays and find them more stress and strain than anything else. Reduce the "stuff" and "expectations" and just enjoy the moment and treasure the memories is what we endorse. Not all traditions are good ones, and most were created in 20th century advertisements, movies or TV programs, and have little in common with reality.

So here's my sorry tale. I was helping deliver turkeys to "needy" families some years ago, along with other food items for the meal. I realized I forgot part of a food package for a family I'd delivered to earlier in the day and went back to deliver it. There on the front porch was the turkey being consumed by the family's 3 dogs. When I knocked on the door to give them the forgotten package, I asked what happened to the turkey? They said they couldn't be bothered with cooking it, so they gave it to the dogs. I asked them why they didn't give it to someone who COULD be bother to cook it, but as often happens, they were takers, not givers, and it was a concept that had never taken hold in their hearts or minds and each person has a different level of "giving".

-Grainlady

Sooz - I think you are absolutely right! Someone dropping off a frozen turkey is not my idea of contributing!

I love the idea of suggesting wine, flowers, or even a bakery pie or cookies of they don't cook. I would even be so forward to say - "X is bringing a Pumpkin Pie, would you bring Apple?" or something to that effect.....

Have a great holiday no matter what!
Alexa

I have often wondered about what percentage of needy families getting turkeys have the tools, ability, knowledge and desire to cook a turkey. It's a pretty big undertaking for many people.

As for the person willing to bring the turkey, I would explain that I prefer a fresh heritage turkey and if they are willing to get one of those, that would be great. Then I would point them to where they can order one.

Oh my goodness, I have never heard of someone doing that before..

I agree with you too sooz. What are they thinking? You would still have to roast the bird and if it is frozen it would take days to thaw. Bring a frozen baked pie if you want to contribute something and don't cook. How can you mess up a frozen pie?
I have also wondered the same thing graywings. Just today I saw them handing out Thanksgiving food and I wondered to myself what are they going to do the rest of the week. If they are needy give them something to sustain them now. There are so many places to go for free dinners on Thanksgiving. Just my thoughts.
Mary

Thanks, folks, for seeing things the same way I do in this instance!

Grainlady, beachlily, what stories you each have!

I'm aware of my guests who don't cook, as well as who doesn't drink, and who will be traveling for any length of time, and I adjust my requests accordingly. :O)

The non-cooks are asked to bring something along the lines of an item that's easy to pickup, like a pie or cookies from the store or Costco, or packaged dinner rolls (which will be eaten) or a pre-packaged salad of Romaine or mixed lettuces (trying to avoid the head/ball of iceberg!).

I appreciate all your input...I suspected it wasn't just me!
Smiles,
Sooz

Maybe they got a "free" turkey in one of those supermarket promotions and knew they would never cook it themselves. I don't like anyone making and bringing any of the main courses.

I'd treat the frozen turkey gifts just as I treat bottles of wine brought by guests. You're not obliged to serve either. Just bank them for future meals.

I have had people drop off uncooked meats, but my circumstances are extenuating. I always cooked Christmas Eve supper for my extended family, and it grew quite large, I eventually was feeding 40 or 45 people. Dad got a ham every year from his employer, my brother got a turkey. They brought those things to me to be served at the family dinner. Although both were "free" to the recipients in that they didn't have to pay out of pocket for them, I appreciated both because that meant I didn't have to buy them myself. I have never had a guest offer uncooked turkey otherwise.

I think you handled it very well, Grandma used to tell me that "being polite doesn't cost you a penny". Does your town have a great bakery or a great little coffee roaster? If so, I'd direct them there, a pound of very nice gourmet type coffee or chocolates or fancy cheese or artisan bread or whatever the specialty is could be a nice addition to the meal.

I also would give them the benefit of the doubt, believing that they probably thought they were saving you expense and shopping time.

Annie

Well, I often am asked to bring the turkey, but that means one or two organic birds...$50 worth of peanut oil, loading up my turkey fryer, rubbing and injecting the birds the day before, then cooking them in the fryer onsite. I can't quite picture dropping off a frozen bird and calling it good. I agree that I'd accept and put it in the freezer for future use and do the turkey you prefer.

I'm chipping in as the devil's advocate and as the daughter of a mother who was about the worst cook I've ever come across. She could mess up even plain hard boiled eggs.

People who aren't blessed with the gift of cooking are very embarrassed at "everyone bring something" get togethers. My guess is your guests offered to bring an uncooked turkey because turkey is the lynchpin of the Thanksgiving meal, and participation in contributing the main course would offset what might be an acute sensatin of not being up to the mark, especially on such a family& friends occasion when bringing your own specialty dish is just the thing.

My mother could turn the best heritage fresh turkey into charred remains and even into non biodegradable rubber. You don't want someone like that volunteering to cook. As a matter of fact, such people are doing others an immense favour recognizing their inadequacy so as not to ruin the meal. On the other hand, a good cook like yourself has the magic that turns a frozen bird into a delicacy. That's how people with cooking disability think. I know exactly how their mind works because my own mother was like that.

As for the casual "drop off" the turke at your house, one wouldn't expect them to say: We'll go into the hassle of buying it and then making a special journey to your house to deliver it despite our busy schedule/unexpected emergency etc. The "drop off" is by way of belittling their effort and being polite.

All this turkey talk reminded me all of a sudden of Anne Tyler's The Clock Winder with its hilarious description of Elizabeth's pursuit of the Thanksgiving turkey she's been told to kill.

I'm with you sooz.

They don't cook so "bringing something" isn't easy for them Then they need to learn what's involved in cooking a turkey, or apparently, a meal. They are "adults" after all. Even a bad cook knows what is involved in cooking a meal. And it sounds like wintercat's mother treated her family like gods - offering them burnt offerings.

There are plenty of side dishes that they can buy other than a turkey. Have people paid absolutely no attention to what they eat at Thanksgiving year after year?

Of course, if you are inviting people to share Thanksgiving dinner and are expecting everyone to contribute, then it is important to figure out what you want from your guests and let them know when you invite them. That heads off the amusing "drop off the turkey" interlude in your day. Although it is good for a smile and we all need a few smiles in our day.

Happy Thanksgiving

Gosh...I would thank them sincerely for their contribution and either cook the bird or put it in the freezer for a future meal.

I always sort of expect the host to be 'in charge' of the main dish--whether I'm hosting or merely attending. And I always bring something when I'm invited to a meal whether it is expected or not. Usually, I volunteer to bring the dinner rolls (to avoid the ubiquitous brown & serve gum balls) and a pie (with a home made crust.)

Esp. with a turkey meal that I am hosting, I want to be in charge of the turkey & stuffing. I've tasted too many gawdawful stuffings in my life to trust that part of the meal to anyone. Too bland, too greasy, too much sage...

To put this in another perspective...if you invite people over for a cookout and someone volunteers to bring the rib-eyes, I think most of us would gladly accept.

Anyway, Mom always said, 'Don't look the gift-horse in the mouth.' Just be gracious & accept the contribution and do what you want with the 'gift'.

I've had a frozen turkey brought to the meal. Frozen. No heads up, just an offering. I'm sure it was an employee freebie gift. He doesn't cook. Never has. I did not have freezer space back then so i thawed it in the fridge, cooked it that sunday and took it to the local pub with gravy and pop-n-fresh rolls. (another offering we didn't use). And of course, he was there, on his bar stool, and did get to enjoy it.
I prefer to make all the main items. We would just ask for wine or a beverage of choice. Or feel free to bring a family favorite as an extra side.
This is the first year in maybe twenty where it will just be the two of us. Not wanting to travel in the cold or feeling the need to host...looking forward to a quiet long weekend.

I do think it is odd, to a host cook. But a non-cook is often just clueless to what is involved. The offering is intended to be generous usually. I'm sure the thought is, "Well, its easy for you since you know how to cook!"

When we did cook for 20-30, it was a week-long prep dance of lists and shopping, festive and fun.

Hmmm, while admittedly bad for the stomach, those burnt offerings were highly conducive to the development of forgiveness, which is divine :)

Oh, ci_lantro, you made me smile! "To put this in another perspective...if you invite people over for a cookout and someone volunteers to bring the rib-eyes, I think most of us would gladly accept."

I got to thinking how often this has happened to me. Hmmmm. Not at all! And besides that, if it DID happen, I'd hope that the rib-eyes weren't frozen. :O)

Smiles and happy turkey day!
Sooz

"To put this in another perspective...if you invite people over for a cookout and someone volunteers to bring the rib-eyes, I think most of us would gladly accept."

That actually happened to us, sort of - our neighbor invited all us neighbors over for a cookout and asked us to bring ALL the food, but especially the meat. We were all busy. It was too weird. They said they wanted to have everyone over for dinner but couldn't afford to feed us. They were probably the richest people on the block.

I totally cracked up at the guest bringing the frozen turkey to the table!

There were a few years I brought the turkey, dressing and gravy. But my friends always did the hosting, and usually most of the cooking. This year I'm just making cranberry sauce.

My mother always invited a single woman to holiday meals & asked her to bring the pickles & olives. It irked me that she didn't prepare something as the rest of us were doing. When I asked my mother why she had her do that, Mom replied that the woman didn't/wouldn't/couldn't cook, it saved Mom the expense of buying them, & gave the woman a sense of contributing. (Mom was more charitable & understanding than I am.)

One year, I invited a friend for a TG party. He brought many bottles of the finest wines. A few hundred dollars worth.

While everyone was enjoying the wines and food, he brought out a laptop and start interviewing each guest about each wine.

My TG party became his wine tasting party.

That was the last time I invited him.

dcarch

We have a family 'gathering' and the same ones cook everything (not by choice) and the same ones show up empty handed. I understand a non cooker can be intimidated by experienced cookers, but they cook at home so they should contribute something.

We had a fund for needy families and a lady I worked with told us she and her four children would not enjoy a turkey so we decide to give her a cooked turkey and the trimmings, all delivered to her kitchen.

That Monday we came in to work and she told us she had thrown most of it away as they didn't eat leftovers.

Another I worked with had three time shares and lived in an expensive home with a pool. Her husband had a heart attack and instead of downsizing they applied for welfare.

Sometimes it's hard to figure out the human race lol!

Once I was sort of insulted to be asked to bring (canned) cranberry sauce instead of something interesting to a large family get-together so I made 2 kinds. People were impressed because who knew you could make cranberry sauce!!??

But they had only asked me to bring that because I had a long drive. They were being nice. :)

I cured that problem two years ago. Had a family member who acted like they couldn't boil water. So when for the third year in a row they offered the turkey, I told them I had one already and they had a choice either I drop it off at their place to cook and bring or they stop and order a Honey Baked ham. We usually have about 24 or a few more for Tday. So I said make sure to get a whole one. I got a nasty email that evening, they had just ordered and paid for a whole honey baked ham. Now they are using a service to cook and deliver what ever they asked to bring.

Just as an aside - the man who had a heart attack would have applied for disability, which is NOT welfare. And which he had undoubtedly paid into in the form of Social Security taxes all the years that he did work. The amount he would have collected would have been a fraction of what he made during his working years. I am on disability myself - and I'm sure there are many others on this list who are as well. We are not deadbeats or layabouts, and we are not raking in undeserved huge piles of cash. We are getting by, by and large, and some people don't even manage that on disability. The man could not have received "welfare" as even when it existed it was not paid out to men.

But aside from that - back to the original subject. Frankly I would have been quite up-front about telling someone who offered to bring a frozen turkey that they should either bring a COOKED turkey, or bring something else - also already fully prepared.

Seriously, any adult should know better. "It's too much trouble for ME to make a turkey, but I'll dump this onerous task that I can't do on someone else" - that's just not acceptable. You know that nearly every grocery store in the country offers fully cooked and hot turkeys through their deli departments, if nothing else. So they could still buy a fully cooked turkey if they didn't know how to cook one themselves. I would have had no qualms whatsoever about telling someone, politely, with a big smile even, that only a COOKED bird was acceptable, and then offer alternatives for things they could bring instead.

On the other side of the equation - the host doing something obnoxious instead of one of the guests - one year a fellow grad student offered to make Thanksgiving dinner - and then charged every one a fee PLUS required us to bring something. Needless to say I never attended a dinner at that person's house again! I figure she cleared at least $50 on that deal, plus kept all the leftovers.

I found out about this in the car on the way over there. Too late by far to back out, and we had to stop at a grocery on the way so we could all buy something "to bring" - selected from a very specific list which she had provided (at the last minute) to one of the other students. Had I known in advance about the "to bring", I'd have made something. Had I known in advance about the fee, I'd have bowed out entirely. That's the other side of rude dinner party behaviour, LOL!

Thanksgiving is no longer stressful for me as I stopped doing it the year my son (now 29) was born. I was one day out of the hospital, he was 3 days old, and the entire family (and all their kids and various and sundry significant others) descended on me with their usual ridiculously high expectations. Nobody brought anything, they all knew I was less than 24 hours out of the hospital after childbirth, nobody even OFFERED to bring anything.

They all sat down and proceeded to gripe about every. single. thing. They were particularly incensed that there were no home-made rolls (I had bought good-quality dinner rolls) and no pumpkin pie (which I have never made in my life anyway, including for all the 20 preceding family Thanksgiving dinners). They complained about the lack of cranberry relish, another item which I have never willingly made and certainly hadn't made in the 8 years since leaving home as an adult. I spent 2 days preparing a huge feast, and then I spent the entire Thanksgiving "celebration" inundated with nitpicking and whining. In 20 years, I had done every Thanksgiving dinner - since I was 6 years old - by myself except for 2.

And they KNEW I was pregnant and due to deliver sometime in late November/early December. The fact that I was 10 days early had things gone according to "plan" doesn't help, as if I HADN'T been early, I'd have been hugely pregnant and about to pop while still having to make dinner for 12 ingrates.

So, that was the last bird day for me, and no one else ever bothered to do a family holiday meal ever again (keeping in mind I nearly always did Xmas meals as well for the family). Sometimes one sister would do a mini-family meal, where she would pointedly NOT invite certain of the rest of the siblings - and she always wondered why my dad boycotted those meals. He didn't want to go unless the WHOLE family was there. Otherwise he knew he would have to listen to hours of sniping by those present against the unfavored remainder of his offspring, LOL!

I take that back, I did do bird day one more time - when my dad was in his late 80's. Nobody but the sister who was living with him and mooching off him bothered to show up - until the next day, when some of them swung by just long enough to grab leftovers and complain about there not being any turkey (my dad hates turkey and had asked for a ham) or any pumpkin pie. Talk about gall, LOL!

There are so many rude people that I've become too exhausted to hate the new ones I come across.....

Does this mean they're winning?

Reading through this makes me appreciate my friends and family more than ever. I am lucky to have thoughtful people in my life. My biggest problem with them is getting too much help and too many offers -- not a problem at all!

sooz, thank you for posting this. Everybody in our (extended) family went into hysterics at the idea of somebody offering to bring a frozen turkey to the day's celebration!

Holidays are only mildly stressful for us. My niece and nephew were cooking the turkeys and rib roasts and turducken and...well, pretty much everything, ever since they reached the ages of 12 and 10. Can you tell their mother doesn't enjoy cooking (although she's pretty good at it, but it's clear she doesn't love it the way the rest of us do)?

Now that they're adults, we just send around emails and decide on the menu by group-think. Themed, or free-for-all? What are the vegetarians/flexitarians amongst us planning to cook? The rest of us pick and choose the meat/starch/soup/dessert stuff.

My niece just sent around an email this morning to discuss Xmas. With a good crab season forecasted, I'm pretty certain Dungeness crab will be on the menu this year.

Groan...I still have leftover mashed potatoes and gravy in my frig!

Naw, magsni, it means you are becoming wiser!

Years ago, when my children were very small, we went to my DH's brother's in-laws for Thanksgiving.
We were always told exactly what to bring....worked well.
However, one Thanksgiving, one of the kids was really sick so we had to cancel a couple of days before the dinner.
Not a problem, I was told.
I was really surprised when I got a note from the hostess.....well, not really a not. It was a bill for the butter I was supposed to bring. I think it was around two or three dollars.
It was the last time we attended gatherings at their house.
I would just politely decline when invited.

Carol! I thought the frozen turkey story bad enough!, but I think your story takes first place.