Yay!!!! Cindeea and Marcia both back, hip, hip hurray! (((Hugs))) from SE Fla! And MsMarion, I owe you a big debt of gratitude! I read your post last night. Hauled out the recipe box and started reading from back to front. (My "box" being filed in chronological vs. any rational filing method.) It was a trip down memory lane. There were recipes from people I've totally forgotten, (college friends, coworkers over the years), some of my mom's recipes that I'd obviously copied in a hurry, with the additional notation in a different color, triple underlined with an exclamation point...probably when I made something that failed, called Mom, and and she told me what was missing. There were notes from canning: "Takes ALL DAY!" My favorite was "Yielded 24 quarts, but 7 were JUST JUICE!!!!!" I found the one and only recipe from my paternal Grandmother for Shrimp Salad. I'm calling Aunt Pearl tomorrow to see if she has Grandma's recipe box. And the surprise ending came at the end of my travels through the chronological recipe box. A girlfriend I've known for many years invited me to a Christmas Party on Saturday. She specially requested that I make my Chocolate Bourban Cake again, because everyone loved it. Her last party was three years ago. I responded back that I would look for the recipe, but only remembered that I made it because someone had left a pint of Jack Daniels at our annual Thanksgiving doo, but I'd be happy to bring another dessert. Aiming to please Judy, I looked through my most likely cookbooks, googled the recipe and nothing looked like the cake I remembered making. The last recipe in the box was (drumroll) The Chocolate Bourban Cake Recipe!!! And by gosh it looks like there is still 1/2 cup of that original pint of Jack Daniels in my little liquour cabinet. I'm tickled positively pink. Here's Grandma's Shrimp Salad, verbatim from the recipe card... 1 pkg spiral spagetti celery, chopped - green olives, sliced shrimp 6 eggs Dressing - 1 cup mayo, 1 cup catsup (Brooks Tangy best) It sounds horrible, doesn't it? If memory serves, (pretty sure it does) that salad was wonderful. Ya'all know to hardboil and chop those eggs, right? Grandma used canned shrimp. Isn't it grand that we don't have to use canned shrimp? Cindee, I'm gonna make those cookies, thanks so much for sharing! If anyone's interested in the Chocolate Bourban Cake recipe, I'm happy to share. Ingredients list isn't long but the method is. My only sad moment was seeing Mom's recipe for Rhubarb Custard Pie. Yum! We had a patch of Rhubarb... Thank you, thank you msmarion. Are you going to make it easy on us, or do we have to google the marshmello recipe?

I was thinking about what I have said on this thread and why it bothers me so much, why it makes me even want to respond, since I usually don't I think it's because I was treated this way as I child and I did nothing to deserve it. I was like a lot of your stepkids - I was a good kid, I never got into any trouble, I made good grades, I was respectful of my elders and good to my siblings. In fact, I have relstionships with my SM's children (my half-siblings), but not with her or BD. I think that's because she never wanted a relationship with me in the first place, and she didn't want her DH (my BD) to either. She pretty much wanted me to "disappear," like so many of you here and other boards wish your step-children would do - just go away. Disappear. So she froze me out. Visitations eventually became non-existent. My BD blames that fact on me, my Mom, and her family. But my Mom never said a bad word about him OR SM. She always told me they loved me. But I DID witness SM scream and accuse my Mom of starving me, of sending me in ugly clothes, of not taking proper care of me. Yep, the same ol' accusatory crap that I read on here... So forgive me if I take what I read here with a grain of salt. I know there are two sides to every story, and I know from experience that sometimes (note, I said "some" times), the accusing side blows things way out of proportion and only sees what they want to see, then accuses the other party without knowing the full story. See, when my SM accused my Mom of starving me, it was because my Mom fed us healthy foods, always cooked with whole grains, we raised our own fruits and veggies, as well as our own chickens and rabbits for meat, we hunted deer for venison... I had a brother with what is now called ADHD, and instead of putting him on Ritalin, my Mom chose to change our diet and she cut out all artificial sweetners, colors, she cut out refined sugars and flours... as a kid, it was miserable! But, in the long run, it was a healthier lifestyle. But when I went to BD and SM's house, they had Pepsi, Cookie Crunch cereal, Oreos... oh. my god. Kid Food Heaven! And I ate like a little piglet! So, then my SM gets it in her head that my Mom is "starving" me. Not the truth, but she didn't even ask, she just accused and threatened that they would take me away from my Mom! So, what does that tell you? That sometimes, things are not always what they seem. Sometimes, you see what you want to see, you run with it, and you start to believe it. Then the negative feelings being to creep in and you start to see that person or people in a negative light, never even thinking there might be another side to the story. And it's hard to change that path of thought, once it's begun. All that to say, I think this bothers me so much because I've lived it as a step-child, and I see my child living it now, too. And that was not my intention. I set out on making it different for my child. I phoned up SM and introduced myself, I told her I respected her, that I knew my child cared about her, that I knew we could relate on a 'mother' level (she had a foster DD), and that I wanted things to be different for my child than they were for me, with my SM. I thought I had done a good job of helping her feel supported. But, a few weeks later, she turned right around and attacked me - literally - in a parking garage. Along with my XMIL. Attacked me and my then-BF (now DH) in front of my child. Over money. It was so bad, I filed a police report. I was scared, and I had to watch my child's face in the car window as they drove off, because it was XH's weekend. And this isn't the first time a domestic violence situation has arisen with them. I take responsibility for not being more aggressive, for letting them feel like they could bully me. I felt like a whimpering dog, being kicked in the stomach when I should have stood up to them, nose to nose, and been strong. But I didn't want to fight in front of my child. It was my choice. So, that's where I'm coming from on this. It upsets me to think that my child is experiencing the same indifference that I did. My child is so kind-hearted, such a good kid (and I'm biased I know, but parents and teachers all tell me that my kid is such a good, well-mannered, kind and polite child) that it tears me up that another person, who has such influence and authority, would treat my child with such indifference - as if my child didn't deserve to exist or deserve their kindness and love. I also want to clarify a contradiction that I may have made here: When I said that faking it 'til you make it doesn't work, then turned right around and said that sometimes you have to act out the part of changing your feelings before it comes to you, I realized that I was contradicting myself. So I thought about what makes it different. And I realized that it's the intention. When you 'fake it til you make it,' that usually means you're faking caring about them until they're gone, with no intention of ever really trying to change your feelings or learning to love them. But when your intention is to really learn to love, to change your feelings toward another person, that's the key. KWIM?

Thanks Mattie. I am trying to trust that I'm on the right path, and things will be brighter ahead, no matter what. There is no doubt in my doctor's mind that the stress of the last few years has brought a lot of *my issues* to the forefront. BUT a lot of MY issues are also the reason I've accepted such a crap situation. KWIM? I can recognize now the damage the unending stress resulting from the BM situation has brought. But I have to accept some responsibility in it, too. People treat you how you let them treat you. I can't control BM's behavior but I CAN expect---even demand---that my DH treat me with respect. And while he does in other areas, he does NOT in the situation pertaining to BM. DH loves me, cares for me, no doubt. But he's got his own issues to work on, and I think THAt is why my psych. encouraged DH to get into individual therapy for himself. My doctor told me that, going through therapy, I will be fundamentally CHANGED for the better, and it's productive if BOTH partners can change simultaneously. At the very least, as I get stronger and put emotional pain in the past, I will be able to make capable, GOOD choices. Or at least that is the fervent hope. The silver lining--I started a blog detailing my therapy journey and a good friend of mine who reads it forwarded some of the material to a publisher friend of HERS. As a result--I scored a paid writing gig! WOOHOO. It's something aimed at teenage girls, and I will be published, have my name on a book, etc. No royalties, but this is a great, exciting step for me. I love to write, and I know that this one time job opens doors to other opportunities in the future. Writing has always been my passion and it's awesome that therapy has forced me to *hone my craft.* I do believe in God and that things work out as He intends. If I look back over my life, I can see a bigger, greater plan at work. Sometimes it's just so hard to see in the middle of it! "My concern is purely for your SAFETY and Happiness above all. Cause I think you are a really kind & caring person and deserve to be treated as such." Thanks Cat, that was so kind of you to say. I meant to thank you earlier, you are so sweet. :) I am so glad you are in a happier place now! I know you went through so much crap! (((HUGS)))

Oh my everyone. Thank you for your help, olychick, Tibbrix, aktillery, sjhockeyfan, may_flowers, joaniepoanie, and everyone else! So I bought it. It's on. Not the best pic, and no big pillows, but goes good with my clearance target performance $20 king sheets:) I also told Target I had lost my rain check and they gave me 15% off without it, so I was happy. I had a rough day with some cautious good news, so I figured I deserved it too :) So here goes...