It's only been a week. Give yourself a break.

Malna, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I'll be thinking all the strong thoughts I can for you, and for your family. I hope you kick whatever "ick" you have quickly, too

As Rita said, it's only been a week, it'll take longer than that to adjust and adapt.

You are right, though, you can't live on crackers and fruit forever, eventually you'll have to cook. I guess I'd just wait a while, and occasionally cook something that you really, really like. Or, you could cook for a friend or other family member, maybe an elderly neighbor or something, and then you know that someone else is counting on you so you have to pull yourself up and cook something.

Or maybe not, maybe it'll just eventually settle into a completely different routine and that might be OK too.

Take good care of yourself in the meantime, though, so you don't become even more sick.

Annie

This post was edited by annie1992 on Wed, Jan 21, 15 at 22:25

My heart goes out to you. What a horrible sudden loss. One week is not enough to "get over it". It will take much longer. Don't push yourself. Your food will be good in the freezer for some time. Do try to take care of yourself though. Pick up a few things...fresh fruit, yogurt, even some liquid meal replacements until you feel a little better. After a while, and you'll know when, invite a friend or two to come over and cook a meal with you so you won't be alone with food that has so many memories attached to it. It might even help to talk about it when you're cooking, ie, "we caught these fish when..."
I wish you well.

Dear Malna

Have hot tea and toast. Grasp the warmth of your tea cup and spread butter and a lovely jam on your toast. Eat this often. Eventually you will have a hankering for something more. No need to rush it. You do not have to face the fridge or the freezer until you're ready to. Please let others tend to you. They will be grateful and you will be blessed

I wish you well.

I am so very sorry. There is no set time for mourning. Take all the time you need and don't feel you have to "get over it". However please do take care of yourself. As noinwi said, meal replacements can keep your body going until the rest of you is ready to go. Is there a grief support group you can join when you start feeling ready to be around people again?
(((Hugs)))
Edie

Oh Malna, I'm so sorry you are going through this. My deepest sympathies.

I haven't lost my DH, but I was very close to my Mom and losing her was very hard. We used to both sew and love going to stores like Jo-Annes. The first time I went to the store after she died, I was only able to stay about 2 minutes before I had to leave. It was too painful.

But with time...I know everyone says it...but it's true, with time it will become easier.

One of the most healing things I did was to work on a wedding veil for a young friend who was getting married. It took a lot of time...designing it, appliqued lace, hand beading, etc. And the whole time I was working on it, I was spending time with my Mom. She was with me all the way, and I was appreciating so much more her talents and strengths as I went through the process. A real labor of love in so many ways, and I truly believe it brought me closer to her in ways I could never have achieved had she still been alive. It's weird but sometimes it takes separation to gain new perspectives...

I'm telling you this because, right now you are too wounded, still getting buffeted by waves of grief and hurt and anger and pain. But with time, you will find the time you spend in the kitchen using those pots and cooking that food will bring you closer to him in ways you never knew.

Do ask for help, from family, from friends, ask them to help you cook to help ease that transition, to give you time to adjust to all these changes you have to face.

Sending you hugs, courage and comfort.

Malna, my condolences. May his memory be a blessing forever.

I swing between cooking for dozens, cooking for a few and cooking for one. Each has different strategies, and you'll find your own way. I'm posting some samples for you that might help thinking about it.

Step 1: Cook for health. Start with soup. Is there a restaurant or deli or store with good homemade soups you can bring home and just heat up? Or even have delivered?

Make salads and quick soups (chopped veg heated in stock, or diced meat/poultry cooked in stock, with veg added to cook when the meat is done). Get lots of deeply colored vegetables into yourself and plenty of protein. Tell yourself it's medicine. It is.

If you don't have small cuts of meat in the freezer, or just don't want to deal with the freezer, buy some individually sized cuts for yourself. You can get individual chicken pieces, a small half a turkey breast, a chop, a little ground or stew meat. It costs more, but while you don't feel well, it's medicine.

If using the kitchen is making you too sad, buy a good induction hotplate (Amazon will send one to your door) and an inexpensive soup pot and frying pan, or starter set, that are induction ready. Cook on the patio, or in the den, or wherever you need to be. You can also buy a new knife and cutting board, and even a set of dishes, or use paper. A whole kitchen full of memories can be overwhelming. A small space with only a few history-free items can give you a way to take care of yourself while giving yourself a chance to breathe and grieve.

Step 2, once you're feeling healthy.

Do you have stock in the freezer? If not, do you have some trimmings or lesser portions that would make good stock? You could make a big pot of stock and freeze it in usable portions. I'm guessing you have a vacuum sealer. If not, three cup containers are a good size. That would be a good thing to start with because it's the base of so many dishes, and you don't have to worry about amounts.

Plan some meals using what's in the freezer and pantry. Make a schedule of planned meals, with ingredients or recipes noted, so that when the time comes to cook you don't have to think about it, just follow the plan. Perhaps, get out the pots and tools you'll need a few hours early, so you can reminisce and feel what they mean to you. Having them sitting ready to make your meal might make it easier to actually get to cooking at the appropriate time. Find new recipes in books or on the Internet and start making your own recipe file.

Do you bake your own bread? There are a lot of recipes for a single loaf, or ones that easily divide into two small loaves, and you can freeze the extra. If you buy bread, while you're putting away the groceries, divide the loaves into halves or thirds and freeze all the extra portions. If you don't bake your own bread, would you like to learn? That would be a good way to start transforming the space into your future kitchen.

Step 3, when you're ready to have people in your kitchen.

Invite friends who are good cooks to come over and cook a meal in your kitchen using your pantry and freezer. Have no more than six sitting down at a time so that it doesn't feel like too much. That way you can use some of the larger cuts, and perhaps even have portions to freeze for later, plus the warmth of having friends around, and the ease of not having to actually do the cooking. This will also help you transition it into your future kitchen.

The secret: The people who awkwardly say, "I'm so sorry..." and offer a kind of wishy washy help if you need it, just don't know what to say or do, and are generally thrilled if you tell them what you want. If you ask them to come cook, offer a choice of three items, not the whole freezer (e.g., a 7 pound venison roast, bass fillets for six, or a chowder with some of your garden produce). If they still can't choose, tell them which one they're doing. And have three dates in mind and tell them which day you really want. If they have to rearrange something to do it, let them.

When you're ready to tackle the stored food yourself, start having dinners. If you'd love to use package X but it was meant for four people, invite a couple or three over. Not only will that help you use your stored food while it's at its peak, it'll keep you interacting with people. No matter who's cooking, if you're the hostess you can busy yourself with this and that and only engage as much as you want, but you'll be alongside people you care for and who care for you, which is necessary to your long term wellbeing. Do it. It's medicine.

Step 4, when you're feeling ready to get on with things and settle into your future kitchen (might be a few months, but more likely a year or two).

Give the kitchen a thorough clean. Empty all the cupboards and scrub them inside and out. If they need it, have them repainted or stained. Put in new liners if that'll freshen them up. Change out the knobs if you feel like it. Fix, or have fixed, any little maintenance issues anywhere in the kitchen. Wash the curtains and windows. Pull out any free standing appliances and scrub the area under and behind. Clean all sides before replacing them.

Before you put anything back in the kitchen, assess its meaning to you and your cooking. Perhaps your favorites aren't the same as your husband's were. Organize it nicely with the items you want to use for yourself most easy to get at. Discard (give away) anything that isn't meaningful or useful.

Discard pantry and freezer items that are past their use by dates. If there's more that's still good than you can use by the time they'll expire, donate some. Keep a tally of what you have, and form a plan for how to replenish. Will you be hunting and fishing yourself? If not, are there any single hunters/fishers whom you could trade some kind of girly work with to stock your freezer in the future? Or a family that needs babysitting? Or will you be happy with what you can buy at the store?

Maybe none of this applies to you, but I hope some of it is helpful in thinking of ways to approach cooking on your own. Get well soon.

JC

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I agree that maybe you should start with soup. I truly believe it is good for the soul. Perhaps read my thread on a soup swap. If you make 1 soup invite friends and family over and swap soup. It is a great way to get together with people you care about and meet new people. This will give you the opportunity to use some of the meat and vegetables in your freezer (depending on the soup you make). I also believe is forgiving. I almost never follow a recipe exactly and somehow it always turns out ok. Might be a good place to start.

take care,

Debra

Pilllog, and the others have given excellent advice. While my husband isn't deceased I still have learned to make solitary meals. My only additions would be several suggestions that were made to me: try to make a pretty plate of food, even if it's just peanut butter and jelly sandwich; set a place at your table and sit there to eat; have a glass of wine or mug of beer with your meal if your so inclined; try to avoid ready-made frozen foods because of the salt factor, use these only when desperate. And be kind to yourself, you've had a great emotional trauma, allow yourself to heal. A broken heart takes at least as long to heal as a broken leg... plus therapy. My condolences for your loss.

Malna, I'm so sorry.
Try to eat some protein every day. A scrambled egg with toast. One lamb chop -- have it with a green vegetable, maybe spinach. A piece of fish.
Be sure to drink enough. Food has a lot of liquid in it, and when we don't eat much, we can easily get dehydrated.

So sorry to hear about your loss. All I wanted to say is that when you do feel like cooking again, he'll be right with you.

I don't have any specific dietary advice other than 'choose healthy'.

I was widowed very early in life (we were both in our early thirties), and I found that you can divide the world into two groups: those that have an understanding of what you are going through, and those that haven't the foggiest idea. That latter group is going to say some of the dumbest stuff imaginable to you, and you have to keep saying to yourself 'I suppose this person means well, but he/she is such an idiot' and smile politely.

I don't have any great advice other than to know that with time the good memories float to the top and the bad days become fewer and fewer.

The kitchen, though, is a minefield. I found that stuff in the kitchen triggered tearful memories more than any other items around the house. I actually gave away several of my pots and pans and started anew. Little things like dish towels as well; if you find they bother you, toss them.

Finally, you have a societal dispensation right now to mourn in your own way, and most importantly, in your own time frame. Don't listen to those who say 'Well, by now you should be doing such and so'--they're idiots. Well-meaning idiots, perhaps, but idiots nonetheless.

This post was edited by arley on Wed, Jan 21, 15 at 10:06

I don't have any advise to give, but I want give you my condolences. My heart goes out to you.

Sally

Deepest sympathies to you. From my own personal experience, one week means you are probably still in shock and unable to think or feel normally about anything. Please be kind to and patient with yourself and try to eat enough to give you strength to endure one of life's tragedies. Bless you, and may you find courage.

Adding my most heartfelt condolences. As others have mentioned, it has only been a week. Try to "pick at" little things during the day. A piece of toast. A piece of fruit. A few bites of yogurt. A cracker with cheese or peanut butter.

Malna, I'm very sorry for your loss.

~Ann

Malna,
My deepest sympathies go out to you. I truly feel you did a good thing to reach out here to your friends. They have given you wonderful advice, especially Pilllog. I really don't have anything much to add except know that your beloved would want you to take care of yourself, one step at a time. During this time, you can watch a few cooking shows on TV, something might inspire or interest you and you may want to try making it down the road for yourself or family/friends.

As well, since your loss was so sudden, I think a support group would help immensely during this process. A little bit of walking in the morning should also help; nothing like Mother Nature to soothe us when nothing else can. It should even make you want to try and eat something when you get inside. If and when you can, throw a peanut or two for the birds/squirrels. This would shift your thoughts, distract you and break up the day a bit. May you find the inner strength to go on and be able to use your kitchen down the road. Your hubby would want it this way.

Nerry

I can't imagine the pain you are suffering at this time and applaud your mindset to reach out for advice and comfort. I wish I had something to offer you in addition to the wise and helpful suggestions the CF members have already stated.

Maybe a cookbook or website focused on one person cooking.

I hope you come back here with stories and recipes that get "Joy" back in cooking.

Here is a link that might be useful: Cooking for You