Oh dear Lars. I am so sorry for your DF, you, Kevin, & the entire family.

My D-MIL was hospitalized with pneumonia 4 times before finally not surviving the last bout. She was living in a memory care facility for Alzheimer's patients and in the latter stages of that horrible disease so we were unable to communicate with her to even explain her frightening experiences. It ripped our family to pieces watching & being so helpless.

My feeling is, like yours, that your DF will likely survive this episode of pneumonia. Frankly though, there will probably be others. Each one leaves them weaker.

End of life illnesses are emotionally draining for all involved. Of course you are feeling sad. Such a range of emotions. Your relationship with DF and your entire family runs through your head. We all go through it. I think there's also the part when as our parents pass we realize that we have just become the next generation. So, we have to face our own mortality. I've always believed we never really grow up until our parents have passed. There is always some little thread, more for some than others, that binds. When it is broken - we realize that we are on our own. Lots of emotions pass through our minds.

Please know your father, you, Kevin, Mike, and Karen have been in my prayers and thoughts since I first learned of your DM's failing. Sending positive vibes your way...

/tricia

Sorry to hear the bad news. It is hard to go through each illness and hospitalization with our elderly parents. I went through a lot with my Mom, who passed at 93. Like tricia said, you go through a lot of thoughts and emotions and each time can't help but wonder if this is the one. And you continue to go through a lot even after they are gone.

Sometimes I miss my Mom so much it is a physical thing. She was basically a good person but also, like everyone, she had her faults. Maybe we love a person not in spite of their faults but because of them. Things will lessen in time but never go away completely. For each person it is different. My Father passed in 1988 and even today there are moments of great emotion when I think of him, both good and bad.

I wish you the best and sending good thoughts and vibes.

Clare

Oh, Lars, this is such a rough time for you. It's just been one thing after another. Take care of yourself.

Lars, I am so sorry...seems like when it rains it pours, doesn't it?

Sending healing thoughts for your dad and hugs and strength to all of you to help get you through this.

Linda

I'm sorry, Lars. My grandfather - who was my father figure - was a similar man. Difficult. Bad tempered. Among other things. But he loved me as best he could. I understand your quandary.

Hugs and hugs.

Eileen

Oh dear, Lars, I am so sad to hear that your father is ill.

I know that it's hard to not be able to go and see him, although I also believe that he will recover from this episode of illness.

My Dad could also be difficult and demanding, but I loved him dearly and still miss him every day. Our relationships with our families are not always perfect, but they are our families and so we love them or tolerate them or do whatever our relationships with them require.

You've certainly had your share of difficulties in the past few months. I'm sending strong thoughts and lots of hugs to you and Kevin and the rest of your family. Be sure to take care of youself too, you've been though much hardship lately.

Annie

Tricia, I am going through exactly the feelings that you described, and so it makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in my thoughts/feelings/reactions. When DM's mother died, DM said that she was then an orphan, and I know now how she must have been feeling. I'm not an orphan yet, but I do feel like I am the next generation that will have to go, although I hope I have a fair amount of time before that happens. Kevin and I have no descendents, and so that makes it a bit lonelier, but I do feel that DF will recover from this and be around for quite a bit longer. Mike is getting very tired having to visit him regularly, and so Mike's son Dee (and perhaps his wife) will be doing some of the visiting to DF. At least that will give Mike a bit of relief.

Your thoughts are extremely helpful, and while I felt there was a crisis when I first heard the news, I feel now like it will pass. I just don't know how to feel right now, but I do feel stronger knowing that I have friends who care about me.

Lars

Lars,

I had a real love/hate relationship with my father. No getting around it - he was abusive. He was also an incredible musician & made sure I received the best musical education he could find beginning when I was just four years old. I learned to read/write/count at the knees of my music teachers. He didn't put me in a music school but rather with the best individual musicians available. He didn't choose those people for their kindness or their ability to work with little kids. He worked two jobs and often more to afford those lessons for me. Sometimes, when he felt it appropriate - he pulled me from the teachers and taught me himself. That music education continued for seventeen years. I was expected to practice 6-8 hours/day six days a week. There was no time to be a kid or to hang out with friends. I first got sick when I was nine. During that timeframe when my ability to play was limited, Dad & my home school teacher worked out a plan to keep my fingers nimble. Each evening, I sat on the side of my bed in front of a TV tray with a manual typewriter and typed what I heard on that evenings' newscast. I learned both current events which pleased my home school teacher & my fingers stayed flexible and quick. Before I was twelve, I typed 120 wpm accurately direct from those newscasts. Mistakes were punished severely. But, through it all Dad passed his music to me. A gift for which I can never repay. His music flows through my veins as sure as my blood. And now, two of my grandchildren are already accomplished musicians at ages eleven and nine. My little drummer grandson is nine and plays weekly at his church. Never had a lesson in his life. Music is in his veins also. My granddaughter plays both violin and piano. She's going to be a "student" of music. When they visit, instead of baking cookies, we study music theory books together. (shrug)

OTOH, Dad ignored the incest I was enduring from another family member right under his nose. He told me to my face that in the overall scheme of life - it did not matter. What was important was had I perfected that arpeggio from hell?

It took me years and years after his death to realize that he was actually correct all along. I have recovered from the incest but the music has stayed with me for my life. It was certainly not the childhood I would ever want for my kids but his drive to leave me with something valuable can also not be denied. We all have flaws and blindness in our characters. Dad left me a precious gift. So, I love him dearly - serious flaws and all.

Family relationships are complicated. I know you've had your moments with your own father that left scars. I can relate easily, Lars. It takes time as well as effort to look at a person as a whole being and not just see one area of their personalities. I found my peace and eventually love for Dad through genealogy. Once I had a better understanding of his background and the things he had endured it became much easier to understand and foregive behaviors I considered heinous at the time. Every one of us has their own story and connecting these stories within a family is for sure not easy.

Hang in there, Lars. In some families life is not all a bed of roses. But, I also believe that even those families have value and love. You just have to find it. You will. Give yourself lots of time and allow all the emotions - good and horrible - to flow. One day, you'll wake up with a new understanding and find yourself at peace. And, maybe, surprised at the depth of caring you discover along the way.

/tricia

Sending healing thoughts and prayers for your Dad Lars.....you and the rest of the family too. Let us know how things are going....hopefully better.

David

I am sorry, Lars.It's very difficult when family is ill and we are too far away to personally attend to them.
Antibiotics are wonderful drugs....and also realize that he also has been through a severe time of trauma.
Linda C

Thanks, Tricia, for your testimonial to your father - I was going to respond to it because I can see some similarities with my own DF, but then there are also a lot of differences. I was never encouraged by my DF to make a success of doing what I love, and he treated me like I was a ball of clay for him to mold when I was little. Of course that didn't work and only made me more resolved to be my true self instead of a mini-image of him. I know that he inherited his parenting style from his own father, and it's been passed down along the male line for a long time, with certain cousins branching off and not following it.

Today Mike told us that while in the hospital, the doctors found a mass on DF's esophagus, and they are not sure what it is but also do not want to do exploratory surgery to find out. Mike told them not to do that surgery, as it would greatly diminish the quality of life that DF has left, but there is a distinct possibility that he has cancer of the esophagus. We won't know for several days, and at this point, the doctors have not made any predictions for an imminent demise. I'm thinking I may cancel my Christmas hotel reservation for Death Valley, however, as I may need to reserve time to make yet another trip back to Texas.

Thanks for your thoughts also, David - every bit helps!

Linda, I think DF might be in even worse condition if he did not have dementia because he seems unaware that DM has passed. When we were at the funeral home for the meet and greet, DF went to DM's coffin and then came back near me and said, "I want to just pick her up and take her home with me, but I know I can't do that." He seemed oddly lucid at that point, and yet not tearful. He was extremely emotional at his own mother's funeral - that was the most I had ever seen him cry, but he never seemed to cry at this latest loss. I think the dementia is preventing some of the trauma that he would otherwise be experiencing now. He's having to be sedated a lot because he tries to take out his IV's and talks about wanting to go home, thinking that DM will be there waiting for him.

I'll post another update within 24 hours. I somehow do not see my father surviving in the veteran's home for more than three months, given this latest news, but I could easily be wrong. I'm trying to prepare for the worst.

Lars

Oh dear, what a sad turn of events. My mother's experience earlier this year allows me to agree unequivocally that Mike is making the right decision to avoid surgery.
Doctors seem to forget the age of the patient and other mitigating factors such as dementia which compromise the quality of the time that is left.
Please know that we're with you and sending positive thoughts and prayers for you & Kevin and for your father's recovery.

Oh, Lars, I'm just seeing this, and I have to rush off to work, but I want you to know I'll be thinking of you and your family as you go through this. Boy, you've been hit with so much, lately.

Sally

Lars, my thoughts are with you. I've said before that losing a parent is like passing through a thick curtain - from the world of those who haven't lost a parent, to those who have. Lots of us are with you. Take care of yourself so you can get through this and help out where you want to.

Lars, I'm thinking about you, too, although, right now, I can't think of any lofty sentiments to express. I've been through it several times myself, with my parents and my in-laws. It is not easy, but I'm glad you're beginning to prepare yourself for what is, eventually, to come ... though I hope it's still far down the road. Stay strong!

Sue

Kevin called me after hearing from Mike, and it appears that DF is recovering from the pneumonia and will be back at the VA home soon. No news on the mass that is on the esophagus, and it might turn out to be nothing to be concerned about. Kevin said he wants to keep the Death Val plans and then go to Texas in March. He's concerned about wrapping up details regarding the estate, but DF is still alive, and so I told Kevin that it is premature for that. Mike and his son Dee want to buy out the portion of the land that Kevin and I will inherit, but I don't want to discuss it at this point.

Lars

Lars, I'm glad that your father is recovering from the pneumonia and I'm hoping that the mass truly is nothing to be concerned about.

You and Kevin are still in my thoughts, and Jessica is right, take care of yourself so that you can get through whatever needs to be done.

Annie

Lars, just want you know that I'm thinking of you and Kevin.

~Ann

Good luck with all this, you certainly have had your share of worries in 2012.

Oh dear Lars, sometimes one problem follows another so quickly your head spins. Take care of yourself and know that I am thinking about you and Kevin.

Lee

I have been watching this in hopes of some good news. I'm glad that there is some improvement for your father. I'm also glad that you have Kevin to partner with through all that has been going on. While I had 3 brothers, they and their spouses all were problem creators instead of assistants when dealing with my darling mother and her extended care followed by her estate settlement.

We spoke with our sister Karen yesterday, and she told us that DF is still in recovery, and so I do not think he is back in his room yet. The doctors estimate that he has about six months left to live, due to the problem with his esophagus. Karen said that he looked very weak after his bout with pneumonia, but at least that part is over. Kevin still wants to wait until March to go back to Texas for a visit, and I agree that going earlier would not accomplish anything except for using up resources that we need to reserve for the inevitable.

Karen thought that next week-end we should discuss plans for the estate, since there is no one living at the house, and we have to start planning for the eventual transfer of property. It's very hard for me to think about such things, but at least my siblings are more practically minded. I trust that Karen will be able to propose something fair and equitable that will be the most agreeable to everyone.

Thanks again for all of your thoughts.

Lars

I don't know what the situation is in Texas, but here if a home is uninhabited, insurance cover is very limited. Something to consider.

Colleen, you are correct that an uninhabited home cannot be fully insured, and so my brother is looking into having the house renovated somewhat in order to make it rentable. It has the original wiring from 1928 when it was built, and so that may be a major problem. They also need to seal all the holes where the mice get in, and that may not be possible, as some get in through the attic.

We did not get an update this week on DF - we tried to call Karen, but she has been out of town on business a lot lately. Unfortunately, her work requires her to travel a lot, including trips every spring to D.C. to advise legislators on banking law, which is her specialty. The other trips are to meet with bankers in other parts of Texas, and so it is pretty boring.

We did not get to discuss the estate the previous week-end because our niece tried to set it up and instead ended up antagonizing too many people - she's not as diplomatic as she thinks. Her father (Mike) has very different ideas about what to do with the estate than Kevin and I do. Karen was not feeling well, and I did not want to have this discussion when she is ill.

Mother's will went into probate last week, but we know very little of the details yet.

Lars

Oh Lars, what a mess. You are very lucky to have a sister that's a lawyer, at least she'll know the legalities of it all. (sigh)

It seems that there are always differences of opinion with siblings as to what to do in the case of estates and if I remember you father had quite a lot of acreage with the farm.

Annie

Continuing to keep you and your family in my prayers..

Tami

I'm still thinking about you and Kevin, too, Lars. It's so hard to go through all this, especially from a distance. Hang in there, and remember to take care of yourself, too.

Sally

Lars, sorry to hear that the situation/s are getting more complex! Seems nothing is simple and as mentioned, you are working from afar.

I hope you get through this quickly.

(((Cathy)))

I'm sorry so much is so difficult Lars. I'm keeping you all in my thoughts.

Lee

Dearest Lars, I didn't know my father so I can only imagine what you are feeling. I've had mean uncles, the grocery man, the butcher, the boss... But, it's not the same I'm sure. The only thing that you need to remember is that he is your Father. That's it. That's all you have to know in your heart. I'm thinking of you and Kevin right now. It's so difficult to work through but we all know how strong you are.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through Lars. Even though it has to happen, we are never (I know I wasn't) prepared when we have to lose a parent.

I lost Mom 1 1/2 years ago from an illness. It would be encouraging that she would get better than have another turnaround and another setback. Each thing that happened, took more of a toll and she'd never get back to where she was. I hate not having her here to talk to.

My thoughts are with you, it's hard when you're not able to be there with your dad and have to rely on other people for information.