A second date is a good start!

Smoking is an absolute no-no to me. If you have asthma, you should reconsider that tolerability. As I get older, my threshold of toleration for crap gets lower and lower. I need someone who can make me laugh a lot.

After what I've read on the stepfamily forum....stay single until you finish raising your kid. Or don't move in with someone, and don't marry, especially if he has kids and/or a toxic ex-wife.

My husband has been a great dad to my kids/his step-kids. It ain't a walk in the park, nor is being a biological parent.

Integrity, Authority and Fidelity, oh....and a sense of humor. That's what it takes, at least in this family.

20.5 years. We're doing someting right, I think.

Linda

Smoking is tolerated if he does it outside, never in the car or house. I guess. I said tolerated, not endorsed. (((wink, wink))) I did think it'd be a fun discussion, you know, brag on our buddies in life. It's not really turning out that way. Hm. I have no intention of ever marrying again, but even if I did, it sure wouldn't be anything to which I'd subject the little guy. Except, and this is something you might think about Jessy, how will he ever see what a great marriage is like if it never happens (is modeled) in front of him? Those marriages exist. And I certainly learned a lot about myself, and marriage in general, in the past 11 years. It wasn't all bad either. To be honest, from what I hear, I'll never set foot in the step-parent forum as they're only there for answers to problems; I doubt people take the time out to post about fun stuff. They're too busy having fun instead.

Integrity and fidelity are great things to look for and enjoy. As is a sense of humor. I have friends who talk about how they wake up laughing and that is the way I want to start my day! It can wait a decade or two (very seriously) to happen though. I'm in no hurry. Neither will I sit on the sidelines. I can date for fun and even fall in love. Those are things I am more than willing to do and even model for the sweet boy.

:)

Having read John Gray's book,"Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus"

I will be following this thread.

dcarch
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It appears that a sense of humor is very important.

What about kitchen skills?

It's ok if you participate from a different point of view, be it in a same gender relationship, or if you're a man, while many of us are women. Your comments are welcome.

Humor very often tops relationship charts, ones I've seen or heard. Especially when it comes to seeing humor in ourselves :)

Kitchen skills? He can cook or not. But helping and appreciating tend to top lists too. He has to at least appreciate what I've cooked (i.e. the effort put forth), and at least offer to wash dishes, jump at the chance to help chop, or get the food for the meal, or whatever he chooses.... for me, at least. Joint meal making is great for bonding too. I love to hear about couples who turn on the music and dance to dual clean up. They make me smile.

I'd say your SO is one lucky person.

I am 50 now and have been single my entire adult life, which is about 32 years if you start counting at 18. I've had a few relationships, but only one of any substance even though I was in love a few times. Yes, sense of humor does always seem to be high on the list. I don't know about men, but I don't think women mean they want a comedien or joker for a partner. They want someone who is good natured, doesn't get all bent out of shape at every little thing, can laugh at himself and what life throws at you as a couple. This quality has been invaluable for me in my current dream relationship since I have been midly sick most of the time since we met. I was coughing so bad during our first date that other people I didn't even know in the bookstore cafe were coming up to me and saying, "Are you OK, my you sound terrible!" Did I say he was tenacious?! :) Actually, if you are interested in a long term loving relationship, I would say tenacity is a very important quality. Abject subborness is what has kept my parents together for 51 years. Neither one of them was willing to be the first one to blink, lol!

Having dated my share of losers, I would say that what is needed besides what I have already mentioned, is good character. All the standard things we know go into that quality--kindness, concern for others, being a problem solver instead of a whiner, responsibility, integrity, common sense . . . (No wonder I never married, lol!) My honey is very patient, I consider that to be a godsend! He listens and takes my point of view into consideration.

I can't abide by smoking for my own health's sake. Having someone who at least supports and encourages healthy habits is pretty important. I wouldn't want to get too fond of someone who smoked and drank, didn't exercise and ate junk food all the time. The piper will need to be paid at some point for those kinds of folks. I'm a very active person, and I'm finding I need someone who understands my need to be out and about and social. The don't always have to go with me, but don't expect me to sit at home too much. I like to nest, but only to a point. But that's just me. You don't have to have the same personality type or interests but you do have to be able to meld and mesh the differences together into something workable. You need some bottom line shared values.

And . . . you need some things in common. Not all things, but some things you can enjoy together.

As for physical attractiveness, that's a hard one to quanitfy. None of my boyfriends have looked anything alike. I can't say exactly what it is, but it is a combination of a person's physical features but also how they carry themselves and how their personality plays out into their appearance. Some people you don't much notice at first, pro or con, can grow on you as you get to know them. There are a lot of very physically attractive people I have met who have such a jerky or blah personality that I don't really find them all that attractive. On the flip side, there are some men that I have known who have all the great personality qualities I describe but I just haven't clicked with them. That one is always a mystery to me . . . One thing I always advise my male students if they confide in me or ask me for girlfriend advice is do not underestimate the power of desire, and I DON'T mean sexual desire. If a man wants to be with you and is willing to do what it takes to make you happy and make that happen, it is a powerful aphrodisiac. But it's a thin line to walk, because it is easy to do overkill and you look desparate and clingy. Women appreciate a man with a sense of forward momentum, who appear to be going somewhere with their lives. Desire mixed with a modest amount of confidence and sense of self is a potent mix. Not enough or too much of either spells jerk. What's a poor boy to do, lol!

All I can say is you become less tolerable of other people's quirks as you age, at least I have. The thought of having anyone else in my house makes my stomach churn. I should have made more of an effort to meet someone new when I was younger, but then I was focused on building some security for myself.

Good luck. I guess I'd be looking for someone who is financially stable, likes to have fun and go places (don't need another couch potato in my life) and would fit in with my family -- easier now that no one lives at home.

Yes, teeth would be required. And no smokers need apply.

What did I look for? A guy who played the guitar really really well and sang the blues. I was 18. Amazingly, he's still here.

Okay, I just realized that when I said "authority" in my above post, it could be misconstrued as me letting him boss me around. Yeah....right! LOL

I meant "authoritative" as being able to lovingly discipline the children when they were young in a manner consistent with good parenting skills. Yep, that's what I meant.

Linda

If that's what you mean Linda, then I completely agree. I realized yesterday, that is also top of the list. But not with the kids, with me. Here's how: I need a guy who can stand up to my strong personality without crushing me, much like Lpink's delicate balance. It's my individual need; doormats need not apply. By the way, that is exactly what I am looking for, Lpink's guy. Well, not looking for, what I enjoy being around.

I was so young when I got married (17) that I don't think I was "looking" for anything, I just happened to fall for him.
But now, 42 years later with the same man, I can tell you what keeps us together. We have very different interests, but we both tolerate the other's interests. For example, I hate that he hunts, but always make a big deal if he proudly shows me his deer. I hate fishing, but always make a big deal of his catches, and I eat them and enjoy them. He hates scrapbooking, quilting, stuff like that, but builds me work areas to make the hobby easier for me.
We laugh together. We camp together. But we still realize the need for time away from each other. I want to take a Cooking Forum vacation, he is fine with it. He wants to take a Canadian fishing trip with the guys, I am fine with it.
We don't feel the need to be together all the time, but do enjoy the time we are together. He is patient (I am not). He is thoughtful. He took such wonderful care of his aging parents that I know he will also take wonderful care of me when I need it.
He loves our grandbabies and is gentle and sweet.
I know that if anything happened to him, I could never find another just like him.
Oh! And when I have Cooking Forum get-togethers, he drives us anywhere we want to go cause he know I am both visually-challenged and directionally-challenged. AND, this is very important to me, he loves and welcomes my CF friends. He is definitely a keeper. (Right now he is building me a quilting/sewing room in the basement from a small 8 x 10 "junk storage" room.)

Lucky Sherry

Couldn't handle life with a smoker -- most importantly to me was a sense of humor, kindness, intelligence, modesty... and because it's important to me, similar political outlooks

Christine, LOL, just saw your post! Glad it worked out!

Oh dear. I married at 19, divorced at 49. The people we were when we married grew up and became other people entirely. Unfortunately, the people we became did not like each other very much and I learned a lot about what I didn't want, instead of thinking about what I did.

When I met Elery, I didn't even think about which qualities I might want. He was kind and patient, made me smile, worked hard, liked to cook. I thought he was kind of boring. Then I realized that it was OK, what I was actually feeling wasn't boredom at all, it was security, a sense of contentment that I never felt. So I married him.

We get along well and he doesn't smoke. (grin) he does love to travel, I don't. I love to farm, he doesn't. Our children are pretty much grown, thankfully, but he loves Bud and Makayla and I love his grandkids. Our kids get along fine with each other.

I wish he didn't drink. At all. It's unrealistic on my part, I know. I'm sure there are things about me he'd like to change, he says I should stop trying to fix everyone's problems. Those things make us who we are, though, and so we'll deal with them.

Of course, we've been married two years and haven't lived together yet. I keep telling him that if we don't have to live together we can stay married forever!

Annie

Whatever it was that I was looking for, it must have been the wrong things because I haven't had one for quite some time now. I kind of gave up looking about five years ago. I don't think I'm difficult, but I have noticed that the things that bother me about another person seem to be more important than the things that attract me, and that's probably bad - I should be more tolerant. One thing I cannot handle is if someone tells the same story over and over verbatim in front of me. I try to change stories somewhat if I tell them in front of someone who has heard them before - just to make them more interesting. I also cannot tolerate someone who chews with their mouth open - that is a deal breaker for me.

I don't think about looking for someone who has a good sense of humor because if someone does not have that, they will not want to be around me. For some reason, I frequently say things that are funny, except that I don't realize it until it is too late. I never try to be humorous or funny, but my sense of logic seems to be drastically out of kilter with the average person, thus requiring that person to have a sense of humor just so they do not think I am a nut job. So I guess I look for someone who thinks I am normal, and often that means that they have a good sense of humor and don't take too many things too seriously.

My brother stopped dating a few years ago as well, and I always seemed to get along better with his girlfriends (and ex-wife) than he did. We are sort of comfortable now living as bachelors, and so I do not really expect that to change, although it might be nice if it did.

Lars