Tonight, he told me that his mother finally rented a cabin and it is only a 2 bedroom. The parents will have a room the grandma will have a room, and him, brother, and me will have to sleep on futons in the living room. I DON'T THINK SO! I don't do futons, and all, ever, period. They hurt my back, and I can't sleep on them. Plus, I need privacy. We are a couple and I'm not going to be changing clothes and sleeping in front of the whole world.

So... I suggested that he and I get a motel room together and I'll even pay for the silly thing. He said it's a family thing, and is family would be offended if we didn't stay there. Well, I don't think they were very considerate in getting a 2 bedroom cabin for a whole week for all those people! He told me that I wasn't to contribute financially, but I told him I wouldn't mind paying the difference for a bigger cabin. He doesn't know if mom can change now that she's already put a deposit down...

I put my foot down and told him to tell them to have a nice time and I'd see them in a week. I'm not spending a vacation miserable! So, what do you think? Am I being unreasonable? Would you go under those conditions?

Well, I just had to vent, thanks everyone for listening!

In terms of the relationship it may well be one of those "you're in or you're out" moments. How important is he to you?

(I'd change in the bathroom. There must be one somewhere.)

Carol

I think there is always a chance that his mom can upgrade - that seldom seems to be a problem, as long as there is availability. Everyone will be much happier if you can get more space - otherwise you are headed for a bad sitcom type of situation if you end up in such cramped quarters. If you couldn't afford it, it would be a different situation.

Lars

SharonCb

Lars said it well, "you are headed for a bad sitcom type of situation"

As soon as one person gets up early, you'll all be up.
It will be lights out as soon as one person wants to go to sleep.

6 adults in a 2 bedroom cabin; recipe for disaster.

The Smokies are a beautiful place to be, one i would encouracge you to go and visit.

Bumblebeez is right. At age 89, Grandma is going to need a straight path to the bathroom! She's not going to be able to jump over the futons to get to the loo in the middle of the night.

Maybe you can offer to take them all out for dinner when they return, or even have dinner at your place. You can look at all the photos and listen to the stories of their vacation.

It's very important to get across the point that it isn't because you don't want to spend time with them, it's because you can't live in such close quarters, and need a bed. Didn't you hurt your back recently?

I would try to find a way to attend without appearing like a diva while still asserting your need for basic comfort and privacy. I think this is an important event. I'm with you, I can't sleep on futon on the floor, I'd be a cripple at the end of a week!

Bobby, I'm with you. Don't wanna do it. In my case I'd just tell DH that we could either stay in a separate motel room or cabin or whatever was available nearby, or to count me out.

Of course, we've been married for years and I expect DH to take my side in a disagreement between his mother and me. He has to live with me after all. It might not be so easy or clear cut for you and BF.

But here's the important part. BF is with YOU now. He is no longer with Mommy & Daddy. You are the one he lives with and you are the one with whom he should work to come to an agreement. If you were asking something unreasonable, than that would be an issue to be worked out between the two of you. And if he thinks you ARE being unreasonable, then he needs to say so. But since you are already giving in some by going on a vacation in which you have no interest, then he needs to give in a bit and agree to accomodations in which you will be comfortable.

If his parents don't understand or like that, well, I don't mean to be creepy, but too bad so sad! He can't act as their little boy anymore. He has to grow up and be mature and act as your partner instead.

Maybe they always have the "kids" sleeping in the LR and it didn't occur to them that it might not work for you. Maybe your partner and his brother have always hated it but never said so for fear of offending the parents. Maybe if someone just sat down with the parents and explained that you need your own bedroom, they'd be happy to change the reservations or ok with you getting a separate place. Who know until at least the lines of communication are open?

The parents might or might not be offended. But in any case, your partner needs to see your point of view and compromise. He needs to tell his parents that you and he can't sleep in a public room on futons, and will get separate accomodations. If the parents are offended, so be it. Their son has a partner and the partner (in this case you) deserves to come first in a situation where BF is being tugged in opposite directions.

If he can't do that, then you will never come first and that's not a good basis for a relationship. I can tell you now that if DH made a habit of taking his mother's side against me, we'd have split long ago. Maybe this is a good test of how strong and loving your relationship is.

I hope it works out well. Good luck!

It's going to be difficult, uncomfortable, maybe painful no matter what you do.
It's also going to be revealing. Keep your eyes wide open.

Not just regarding BF, but parents as well.
If you want this to be a long term relationship, those parents are going to be around a lot.

Can YOU deal with it?
Can BF deal with it?
Can the relationship deal with it?

Good luck!

And for Pete's Sake..............let US know what happens!!! LOL

We're on YOUR side! Whatever that is.

Deanna

This isn't something you can get advice about, since some people could do this and some people could not. Most of us here are a fair bit older than you are too Bobby. When I was younger I would do stuff like this. I was kind of a gypsy though, and definitely not a homebody like you. Given the circumstances and people, I might still do it today.

But do what you feel is comfortable for YOU, and don't make a big deal of it with your BF.

Wasn't it Groucho Marx who said guests and fish stink after 3 days? Well, 3 days is about my max, then I get crabby and contentious and I need my own time and my own space. Maybe that could be an explanation as to why you need a motel.

As Peppi noted, it seems that you've already decided that this is going to be miserable, so it probably will be. That self-fulfilling prophecy thing goes on sometimes....

And, as Carol noted, this might be the last family vacation for Grandma, and it's kind of an honor to be included, I think. I'd hate to miss the opportunity to be gracious and kind in that instance.

I usually can suck up anything for a period of time, as long as I remind myself that it's temporary and that my life will get back to normal in just a couple of days.

Annie

I am thinking like Lowspark. Some parents (and I know this from my own experience) will never give up on the role of parents and expect their grown kids to always to what they say. They just can't get their minds around the fact that their kids are grownups. Intellectually yes, they will tell you "of course they know this," but emotionally . . . no, they still expect certain things come hell or high water. And in these cases, the grown adult child has to learn to put their foot down firmly with these folks and say, no, this is how I, the adult, am going to play it. And then do it and learn to listen to the fuming. It will die down. Everyone wants to compromise, but with some people, there is no compromising.

I have no idea what kind of parents your guy has, but if he has a type like mine, if he firmly says, "Bobby and I really want to be there for the vacation but we feel it is best for us to stay in a motel," the family will fuss and fume and try and make him feel guilty, and ultimately it will the THIER PROBLEM, and they will deal with it and drop it eventually. Take it from me, lol! Sometimes I do what the 'rents want, when it is no skin off my back, and sometimes I put my foot down. And it was very hard coming to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to be able to please my parents sometimes and to learn to breathe deep during all the hissy fits and just stick to my ground. That's something that happens in some families sometimes, as the children reach middle age, they have to learn this process of gently but firmly putting their foots down with their parents, which is a very different role for a child to take and also for a parent to take. Perhaps your BF is in the midst of this process and you can work through this together. But you two definately need to work out where you stand on this issue, because it will come up again in one form or another.

Unfortunately it might be easier for BF's parents to view him as an adult if he were married with a wife. It's not really a gay thing, because I am not married and I think this is one of the reasons my folks have such a hard time realizing I am a grown woman and treating me as such. Seeing a child married with children is a signal for parents that the child is grown. It's the traditional visual and emotional signal, but some folks are going to have to get the signal in other ways, that is just their cross to bear. I know it is mine. People said to me, "They will treat you differently once you get married and have kids." Well, I didn't get married and have kids, so now I have to play with the cards I have been dealt. This may be one of the first times BF's family is going to have to deal with this issue, that their son is grown and living his own life . . . with you. I know if I had a BF, I would face many more issues that I do now, my folks get jealous and have hissy fits when I choose to do my own thing with my FRIENDS. As I've said, I have just had to learn to live with the complaining. NOT MY PROBLEM.

Grace

For me, if you really love BF, I would go and suck it up. your BF's parents may be very offended by your offer to pay for larger accommodations.

Figure you what you are able to put up with vis-a-vis BF, not his family. Including you is a compliment.

-Adele

They are going to get two rental cars... parents and granny in one and brother, me, and Aaron in the other. So, yes, I think they are still think of the people under 50 as kids.

Oh, and he doesn't live with me. No man ever will. I like my independence too much. Even if I get married, I will maintain separate households!

He has suggested that we will just go on our own vacation together sometime soon... I'd like that better.

I'm with you about guests, Annie. When Aaron stays with me for more than a day, I start getting really annoyed with everything he does, even just his presence. It's not his fault, it's always happened with everyone. It's a Bobby thing and I'm just too independent.

I'm glad you decided not to go. You'll be much happier at home. Wow--I hope I don't have vacation nightmares tonight ;-)

Annie

One little word of advice from an "old " broad. This shouldn't have anything to do with the "couple" thing. There have been many, many occasions when my DH and I have had to sleep in different rooms or in close quarters with others. Couples who have the right thing going don't always need their privacy as a couple.

Aaron said the futon was awful... his feet hung off the end and the bar in the middle killed his back. He said he doesn't mind. Of course he's a little more care free and not quite as prissy as I am, but I did make the right choice! It worked out that I didn't go... I postponed my vacation at work, and we were pretty busy and a few people didn't show/call so I was really needed this week.

I've rather enjoyed the solitude this week :o) No visitors, just me and the cat!

His birthday is Wednesday, so I'd better go post a what kind of cake should I make thread. Nah, I don't feel like making a cake. Maybe I will tell him I thought he was still a Jehova's Witness and didn't want to offend him with a birthday cake.

I'd say you definitely did the right thing. Everybody's happy -- well, maybe except Grandma and the bear.

Too bad about Grandma, though, Bobby. I'm glad it worked out well for you and that you could postpone that vacation time.

Don't know what to tell you about the birthday cake, LOL.

Annie

At times I enjoy my solitude so I get what your talking about.

Somehow, though, the image of a big fat black bear standing on the scales is just tickling me to no end!

Besides, tell Aaron it wouldn't eat him, it would eat whoever was running the most slowly, probably Grandma. (grin)

Annie

BTW, the accommodations you would have had to endure, as an adult, would have been a nightmare for me, even with my own close family. I cannot imagine sharing such intimate quarters for a week with someone's elderly grandmother and people I was not related to.

The vacation sounds like a blast to me, but I'm Ms. Outdoorsey. But I know and understand that there are folks that just don't "do" rustic and there is no sense trying to make them into something they are not, I think respecting differences is very important.

Way too bad about grandma. I have to say, BF's family sounds like a pretty close bunch, which I kinda like but could also be crazy! I grew up with sparse family, so I've always wanted to be part of a big boisterous clan, but if I had one I would probably wish the opposite!

P.S. I think you should make BF a teddy bear cake!