Mother refusing to go to hospital

11 years ago

My mother has had a urinary infection for over a week now and cannot control her kidneys. Her pain keeps getting worse, but she will not let anyone take her to the hospital because she cannot control her bladder. I think my brother or his wife will try again today, but I do not feel that either of them are very competent, or else they would have already gotten her there. I have recommended that they call an ambulance if they are unable to handle the situation. One of them will have to stay with our father, since he cannot be left alone, due to dementia from Alzheimer's and Parkinson's diseases. DF seems to be cheerful enough during this ordeal while DM says that this is the worst she has felt in her entire life and that she wants to get a gun and shoot herself. Her own mother was like this near the end of her life, and so I am more than a little bit worried.

My brother and sister in Texas seem prepared to leave the situation as it is with our mother in extreme pain. My SIL hates my father and does not want to stay with him while Mike (her husband and my brother) take DM to hospital. Mother does not want Lynda (SIL) to take her to the hospital but says that she would prefer Mike to take her. In the meantime, no one is taking her. I don't have a good relationship with Mike, but Kevin is on speaking terms with him and can get updates from him. Mike has been hateful to me most of our lives (mostly from jealousy), and I have never liked him. I have a somewhat better relationship with his daughters, however.

Thursday I am going to hospital myself for my parathyroid surgery, but I would like for Mother to be taken care of first. It's not practical at this point for me to try to go to Texas to help her, but if I did not have surgery scheduled, this is what I would do.

I'll post more information later.

Lars

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Comments (49)

sushipup1
11 years ago
I don't understand why she has to go to a hospital. Can't her doctor see her in the office?
triciae
11 years ago
Lars, does your Mom need more than a 'script for antibiotics? Urinary tract infections are not uncommon for women. Left untreated though they can lead to more serious complications. Does she have a regular primary care doctor? If so, that's where she should start, IMO.

Good luck with your surgery! Hopefully, you'll feel like a new man very soon.

/tricia
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centralcacyclist
11 years ago
Doctor, hospital - I imagine that in her mind it's all the same. She doesn't want to leave the house because she is incontinent. Poor dear. Are her kidneys involved?

I agree, an ambulance sounds like the best solution. I hope you can convince them from afar that this is the best option. Unless you can convince a doctor to do a rural house call, it seems to be the only choice.

Hugs and hugs, Lars. What an ordeal.

Eileen
John Liu
11 years ago
I would call her doctor, then have him contact paramedics and have mother transported via ambulance to hospital. She is more likely to acquiesce to professionals in uniforms. Tell your mother that kidney infection => untreated for long time => elderly person => potentially kidney failure => dialysis or death. In her situation, being irrationally stubborn is not a good strategy.
Lars
Original Author
11 years ago
My mother's doctor's office is in the hospital, and so she has to go to the hospital in order to see him/her. It's a fairly large hospital with its own insurance program, a research center affiliated with Texas A&M University, and branches in several other towns/cities besides Temple, where it originated. Anyway, it is a bit of an ordeal going there, being such a huge complex. My own doctor's office is in a small medical building in Pacific Palisades, but my surgery will be at the research hospital on the UCLA campus in Westwood.

My sister sent me an email this morning saying that Lynda was going to take DM for her coronary appointment, but there was no guarantee that she would be seen for her urinary problem. Lynda used to be a nurse, and so I expect that she will make sure that this happens. I have no confirmation yet on whether DM actually went to the hospital. Karen (my sister) should call and tell me whether she was able to be seen. I think everyone's (except DF's) patience is running very thin.

Mike and Lynda have a spare room in their house that they have offered for our parents, but they refuse to stay there, even though it is only 1-1/2 miles from their own house. Yesterday, DM and DF had a power outtage and therefore no A/C and no fans with 100 degree weather. I couldn't believe that they would not go to Mike's house at this time, since he did not have the power outtage, although Karen had a similar power outtage in Austin at the same time. I hope they are not going into a brown-out condition, like we sometimes have here.

Lars
arabellamiller
11 years ago
Oh, Lars. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this from so far away and just before your own surgery. How stressful!

At this point, since the infection has been raging for a while, she may very well be better off in the hospital for a few days receiving IV meds. Although the risk of secondary infection is always so much greater there than it is at home.... Please make sure she is drinking enough water since her instincts might tell her to drink less so that she doesn't urinate as much.

The OTC treatments for UTIs work well to control the pain until she can get to the doctor, but it's essential she gets to the MD to treat the infection before it travels to her kidneys and does any real damage.

Keep us posted.

AM
sushipup1
11 years ago
Thanks for the clarification about the hospital. Instead of saying the word "hospital", the caregivers would do better to use the Dr.'s name. It sounds very different to say, "Mother, you need to go to the hospital" vs. "Mother, you need to visit Dr. Smith." It can make a huge difference to a person who is fearful, in pain, and confused.

Yes, she needs treatment. One of the side-effects of UTIs can be mental disorientation that looks like dementia.

Let us know how she is doing. And I hope it's all settled so you can go in for your own procedure without this added stress!
lindac
11 years ago
AAh...Lars.....what a mess. It's so hard to be far away and watch your siblings do nothing...
I hop0e that Lynda can get her seen for the UTI....and you know youa re in my thoughts tomorrow.
Linda C
Lars
Original Author
11 years ago
The caregivers do tell my mother the name of the doctor that she needs to see, but it is frequently a different specialist, and I cannot keep track of their names. I have a good feeling that my siblings (and SIL) will get my mother to the doctor this time, but they did fail last week when she should have gone. I do not like things to get drastic like this, especially when I am not there.

AM, I think it would help also if DM got to see her great-grandchildren more. The last time Amanda visited her dad (Mike), she did not drop by to see DM, and she was very disappointed. Even a two minute visit would have done her a world of good, and she is only two minutes from Mike's house. I hope she will see her the next time she visits Mike.

There is way too much going on for me this week, and I've been given rush assignments at work to get technical details to the workrooms for having furniture built. The guy who was in charge of the upholstery department took medical leave two months ago, and the one who is in charge of case goods and lighting took a medical leave two weeks ago and is scheduled to be out for three months, due to foot surgery. He was in very much pain the first week. I've been helping to take up slack for both of these two, but fortunately there are others who are helping.

Lars
mustangs81
11 years ago
This has got to be so stressful on you especially since you have no control over the situation AND you are having your own issues.

Does your mother communicate directly with you and/or Kevin?
Gina_W
11 years ago
Oh dear, I'm sorry Lars. I have no patience for passivity - in the face of indecision of others, I instinctively take over (5 younger siblings turned me into a manager) so if I were over there I would have put your mom in an adult diaper and hauled her over to the doc. Goodness. Hope she is taken care of soon.

I had my own mom give up some of her meds while she was visiting. I took one look at all the bottles and I went ballistic (in my head). Examined all the bottles and asked her what each one was for, then told her what she should not be taking. But she lives across the country and does whatever her doctor tells her to do very dutifully, no questions asked. In the meantime she is eating nothing but breads, pastries, cookies, candies, chips! Sigh. Elderly parents are quite the worry. I've offered to have her live with me but all her grandchildren are currently close to the east coast. I think I've crossed over in my mind - thinking of her more like a child now than an adult, and acting accordingly, while still being respectful. It's a balancing act for us all.

And Lars, your surgery coming up is a good thing - remember that! Keep us posted.
Lars
Original Author
11 years ago
Kevin and I call our mother directly, but she does not call us, as a general rule. She told our sister that she was very upset because no one called her on the 4th of July, but I was unaware that it was a Hallmark Holiday.

Gina, I think I share your lack of patience for passivity - my mother has perfected the passive-aggressive behavior, and I used to be like her until I was in therapy at age 19, and my therapist explained it to me. He explained to me that P-A behavior was unfair to others, and that cured me of it immediately and also made me recognize it in others and not put up with it. Kevin picked it up somewhat from DM, and I have not yet cured him of it. I think it helped destroy his marriage, however.

Thanks for all of your comments!

My anaesthesiologist called just now, and I found out that she will be giving me propofol, among other things.

Lars
dedtired
11 years ago
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Poor Mom. Poor everyone. What a mess. Nothing to add except that I am thinking of you.
annie1992
11 years ago
Oh dear, Lars, that IS worrisome, especially with you not there to do anything about the situation.

Trying to take care of elderly parents and family members can be exhausting, especially with your own surgery coming up. I don't have any good advice for you at all, but I'll be thinking of you on Thursday.

Hugs to you and to Kevin.

Annie
Lars
Original Author
11 years ago
We got some good news from Lynda - Mother has agreed to have the heart surgery that she needs. The hospital where she goes (Scott & White) has developed a new technique that is less invasive and will require much less recovery time, and so Mother has agreed to have it. She told Lynda that she wants to have it so that she can live long enough to continue taking care of DF, although I think she still needs a lot of help in that regard. Someone will have to take care of him while she is in the hospital for 3-5 days. Kevin and I are planning to be in Texas when she has her operation, providing we get enough advance notice. If we find out two months in advance, that will be plenty of time.

I assume that they have taken care of her urinary infection because she was not complaining about that when I talked with her this evening, but it was not brought up. DF continues to be somewhat oblivious, and when he was talking with Kevin about DM, he told Kevin that the hospital was going to keep DM going for maybe a couple of years more. He expressed no emotion about it, but perhaps he is no longer capable of that.

Lars
mtnester
11 years ago
Lars, I haven't chimed in because I don't have any good advice for you, but I do want to express my best wishes for your mother's complete recovery and for yours, too. It's obvious that you come from hardy, strong-willed stock! My late MIL (who lived to almost 99 years) was very strong-minded, too, and we think it was that stubbornness that gave her the strength to recover from strokes and falls. After each episode, she went to rehab and did her exercises faithfully because she was determined to stay out of a wheelchair (and she succeeded in that, until very late in her life). More power to your DM, and best wishes to you, too, for a successful operation and a quick recovery!

Sue
lsr2002
11 years ago
Dear Lars and Kevin,

I am so sorry about all that you two are going through. I'm continuing to send positive thoughts for your surgery Lars and to both of you for all the family issues.

It is frustrating to be so far away and feel helpless except for what you can offer by phone. I hope it will work out for you to be in Texas when your mother has the surgery.

Lee
compumom
11 years ago
Ditto, ditto, and ditto!

Been there, done some of that. Sending you positive wishes for your surgery (thought of you yesterday remembering it's this week) and best wishes for DM & DF. Being an only child is difficult, but friends tell me that sometimes sharing parenting (your parents) with sibs is even more difficult.
Hugs,
wizardnm
11 years ago
Lar's, sorry to read of the problems with your DM. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you and hope all goes well tomorrow.

I'll be waiting to hear from you.

Nancy
sally2_gw
11 years ago
I've just read this thread for the first time. My heart goes out to you and Kevin and your parents, Lars. What a difficult situation to be in.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow when you have your surgery!

Sally
triciae
11 years ago
Hope your Mom has had her UTI addressed by now.

Don't be too hard on your Dad's seemingly lack of interest in your DM's discomfort. Dementia is a terrible disease & has probably affected his ability to show expected emotions and relate to her condition.

Just wanted to drop by & give well wishes for tomorrow's surgery. When you're able, please give us an update. I'm glad Kevin could get the time off to be with you.

/tricia
cloudy_christine
11 years ago
Lars, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, and hoping for the instant relief of symptoms that others had with this surgery.

It sounds as if your relatives in Texas are getting your mother the care she needs, thank goodness.
Lars
Original Author
11 years ago
It is a bit of a relief that DM is getting some care and is cooperating better now. She will be making several more trips to the doctor in the next few days for tests for the surgery. I think she is a good candidate, but I have not gotten an update on the UTI, although they must have taken care of it by now, since she is doing better. Kevin is now starting to make plans for us to visit Texas when she has the surgery, and DS has offered us her AA miles to help pay for the trip, but this means we will not get a non-stop flight and will probably change planes in Phoenix.

I guess I went through quite a bit of anxiety on Monday, and so then yesterday I felt exhausted, and I still feel tired today. I'm very much looking forward to having this chronic tired feeling go away. Yesterday I made a large batch of turkey and egg salad so that I will have something easy to eat for the next couple of days. I have the refrigerator pretty well cleaned out, but the freezer is still full, and so I can get stuff from there.

Here is a picture of one of my oncidiums that is cheerfully blooming now! Another one has buds that are about to open. Seeing these bloom always makes me happy.

Thanks for all of your thoughts, and I'll post again when I am able after the surgery.

Lars
centralcacyclist
11 years ago
Lars, your yard is gorgeous!

I'm relieved to hear your mother is being attended to. I will keep you in my thoughts tomorrow when you have you surgery.

I have always found Dr. Bernie Siegle to be comforting and positive to read before any medical procedure.

Here is a link that might be useful: Love, Medicine and Miracles.
jessyf
11 years ago
Best wishes for your procedure today, Lars, and for your family situation.
claire_de_luna
11 years ago
I'm sending good thoughts your way Lars, and know you'll be feeling better soon. (Maybe not immediately, but soon!)

First things First, which is to take care of yourself. Let us know how you're doing when you can.
annie1992
11 years ago
Lars, I was just checking in to see how the surgery went. Maybe I'll just start a new thead so I can be sure no one misses it...

Annie
centralcacyclist
11 years ago
I came looking, too. I hope the surgery went perfectly and that you will be feeling fabulous very soon.

E
Lars
Original Author
11 years ago
Thanks for the compliment on the yard, Eileen, but you've been there in person!

Kevin stayed home from work again today so that he could help take care of me, and he was able to work on his laptop in the pergola, which was very pleasant until it got hot this afternoon. I sent him to the store because we were out of eggs (I used the last of them in the soup I made this morning), and he picked up a French baguette, some Brie, and a few other things we were out of. We had leftover turkey/egg salad for dinner and chocolate ice cream that he got from TJ's for dessert. I had mango sorbet for lunch - I had to keep my food soft.

I'm not feeling fabulous yet, but the silk chiffon scarf I am making should help.

L
Lars
Original Author
11 years ago
Mother's surgery is scheduled for Wednesday August 8, and so finally this episode will come to an end. Kevin and I are going to try to be there for the entire week, even though it is the absolute worst week of the year to visit Texas. During that week, temperatures there normally reach 110 degrees, and it is not a dry heat. I do not have enough vacation days for this, and so I may have to take time off without pay, but it is important to my mother for me to be there. I just wish our two surgeries were not so close together, but I intend to be with her to give her support. I think it will improve her mood and attitude and also hopefully her recovery.

Lars
triciae
11 years ago
Lars,

You & Kevin are doing the right thing in going to Texas for Mom's surgery. You will not regret the decision. No need to fret about the heat - you'll be inside anyway. Not having vacation time to cover the trip is a hardship but you're right - it's important to your Mom. You should be recovered from your surgery by the week of August 8. Things may seem a bit complicated today because you're still not feeling like yourself. That will get better as each day goes by.

As always, thoughts are with you.

/tricia
centralcacyclist
11 years ago
You are a good soul, Lars. That part of Texas in August is awful - I remember. It's gooey even in air conditioning. I hope you will be feeling fully recovered by then. The surgery should help your mother feel much better, too.

Hugs. E
Lars
Original Author
11 years ago
We have out tickets for Texas now, and I told the CEO about my plans, although he is not my boss - the owner is, and I won't see her until Monday. I'm sure it will be okay because Ian will be back next week, and he's been out the past few weeks due to foot surgery. As long as one of us is there, I do not think it will hurt. Right now, I do not have an urgent schedule for the new designs I'm working on because I have to wait for more sales to come in. Yesterday we got an order for 10 sconces that I designed, and that will help.

Lars
Lars
Original Author
11 years ago
This week Mother was not eating or drinking, and so Lynda (my SIL, married to DB Mike in Texas) had Kevin and me call her on Wednesday to try to talk her into eating and drinking. We did what we could and then called again yesterday for more encouragement, which I think may have helped a bit. Anyway, she is now in the hospital so that they can get her rehydrated for the surgery on Wednesday. In the meantime, we do not know who will be taking care of DF. Lynda's brother just tried to commit suicide, and so she has been having to take care of him. He is a veteran and is only 39 but has army related disabilities that prevent him from working. I think Lynda told me that his head is getting disconnected from his neck, and he suffers from cronic depression.

Since Kevin and I will be in Texas Sunday, perhaps someone can take care of DF until we get there, and then the burden will be shifted to us.

I feel such anxiety now that I think I should go home from work. My stomach is in knots, partly because of the antibiotics I am taking, but also because of the anxiety.

I didn't want to start a new depressing thread and scare people away from this side of the forum, but writing this message has been a help for me, just to get my thoughts organized. I'm waiting to hear from my doctor today regarding the prostate infection that he thinks I have. I hope he will tell me that I do not need any new medication.

Lars
mitchdesj
11 years ago
Good luck lars with all this; you are brave and I wish you renewed strength for your fast healing and safe travels, may your DM recover well.
compumom
11 years ago
Aw Lars, when it rains it pours, doesn't it? Just know that you can only do so much when our parents have a certain mindset. Encourage, cajole and be firm, but remember that ultimately they are in control of their destiny. However I would act as a united front and strongly encourage your DM to put her affairs in order if she's unwilling to take care of herself.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with these issues when you aren't feeling well yourself. Good health to all!
Lars
Original Author
11 years ago
Ellen, that's just what my boss told me when she called right I made that post! Then she told me she wanted me to make model of a section of a round mirror frame before 3:00 PM! It kind of took my mind off of things, and I just got through making the model for her, which has a bullnose shape - not easy to make round in cardboard.

Mitch, I think I will be able to find the strength, but I am going to need help as well. I am not supposed to lift heavy objects, as it puts strain on my neck. Even stress and anxiety will cause the wound in my neck to throb with pain. For some reason I remain optimistic and feel that DM will be able to pull through this one also. She will be unable to take care of DF for some time, however, and so I do not know what will happen with their living situation. That part never turns out the way I predict.

My mother has had her affairs in order for quite a few years now, as she kept telling everyone that she did not expect to live much longer. DF is a different story and absolutely refused to get his affairs in order because he felt he would never have to, and he planned to live to be 100. In the end, what he leaves behind will be quite a mess, according to my sister. Even though she is a lawyer, he would never listen to her.

I feel like I am about to go into the depths of Hades, complete with fire. I expect to the completely exhausted by the time it is over - the heat drains all of the limited energy that I have.

I will print out this thread before I leave so that I can read it again! I appreciate all your words of encouragement.

Lars
triciae
11 years ago
Oh dear Lars. The timing of this with your Mom is not good, is it? But then there never really is a good time. I just wish you were feeling better yourself. It's so hard to take care of others when you too still need some assistance after your surgery.

Please just know my thoughts are with you, Kevin, & your entire family.

For your trip, I wish you fair winds & safe harbor...

Tricia
mitchdesj
11 years ago
You can only do your best while respecting your limitations, this is such a trying time for you.
compumom
11 years ago
Lars, your DF will probably be less resistant when your mother isn't there to care for him. I would suspect that with all of his children confronting him with respect to his affairs, he might feel vulnerable and be more willing to concede. If your sibs make it a team effort and convince him it's Family vs taxes, I think he might be reasonable. Good luck.
dedtired
11 years ago
Oh dear, Lars. I am just catching up with all of this.

Ellen is right, when it rains it pours. Of course when one thing goes wrong it makes everything else seem worse. My mother says she is "snakebit" when troubles seem to pile up all at once. Right now, you are snakebit. You have always impressed me as a strong person who is able to rise to the occasion and I am sure you will do it again this time.

I feel terrible about Lynda's husband. What an awful time for them.

Best of luck to you and the whole fam damily.
Bizzo
11 years ago
Lars, I'm just seeing this now, but want you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers... and I'm sending some strong, healing, calming CF energy your way. hang in there.
sally2_gw
11 years ago
Oh, Lars, I just checked back on this thread, hoping all was going well. I'm sorry things are going so poorly for everyone, and for you. Hang in there. Just stay inside the AC, and out of the sun while you're in Texas. As others have said, you can only do what you can do, and you're doing plenty. I'll keep thinking about you and your family.

Sally
colleenoz
11 years ago
Since Lar's father is, as I recall, suffering from dementia, I'm not sure that even if he was convinced to get his affairs in order now, it would be legally valid.
I hope things improve for you all round, Lars. Keep cool and hydrated.
riverrat1
11 years ago
Oh Lars, I'm just reading this thread. I knew of some family issues and your health issues. I had no idea that "stuff" was at this level. I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this trying time.

UTI's, in the elderly, can cause many difficulties in their health and well being. Sundowner's Syndrom comes to mind. Can make them feel like their days and nights are mixed up, dementia, painful without explanation and overall confusing thoughts. I thought I had Meningitis (again) 4 months ago...It ended up being a raging UTI!

I kinda know what you are going through. Take care of you because if you don't no one will be there to do what needs to be done.
Thinking of you today.
sally2_gw
11 years ago
Lars, is your mother's surgery still on for today? I'm thinking of her, and of you and your whole family!

Sally
lsr2002
11 years ago
I'm thinking about you and your family also and hope all is well.

Lee
sally2_gw
11 years ago
Hi, Lars. I'm just checking back in to see how your Mom is doing. I hope all is going well.

Sally
centralcacyclist
11 years ago
Checking in. I suppose you are busy with no internet access. Sending positive thoughts.

Hugs, E

Mother refusing to go to hospital

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