family and facebook, woah!

13 years ago

I haven't been around much lately because I've had some "stuff" going on.... I've missed you all so much, but I guess I should give an update. Some of you know that I haven't spoken to my family since I was 19 (I'm 26 now, so it's been a while!), we had some differences with whole gay versus closed minded redneck thing. I was taken from my mom when I was about 5 because she was an alcoholic who couldn't take care of herself let alone a child. Nobody knew who my father was, and they still don't. I was "adopted" by an aunt and uncle. They had a son already that was 2 years younger than me, and a few years later had a girl, (she's 18 now), so I was raised with cousins for brothers and sisters. The aunt was a mean, depressed, dark, selfish person who I absolutely hated. The uncle was a kind hearted "good ol' boy", but set in his ways. He was my mom's sister. Anyway, when we had the fight and I moved out, I was driving a car that was in his name... I didn't have money to keep making the payments so I left it in a parking lot somewhere and told him in an e-mail where to get it.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I got a message on Facebook from him telling me that my mother was dying of lung cancer and requesting to see me before she died. He said I should probably call my grandma. I thought long and hard, and it was tough after 7 years of silence, but I decided to call her. She was really glad to hear from me (we'd always been close), she said she understood about everything that had happened and she just wanted to have me back. We talked for an hour that night and she updated me on my mom, who hadn't changed a bit by the way. She'd been living in a tent in a forest, drinking and smoking all her money for the last five years. I hadn't really seen her since I was 10, and that was brief. A few days later I decided to go see my grandma, so I got in my Accord and drove back to hicksville, FL for the first time in all those years. The place hadn't changed much (they got a dollar store now!), still don't even get a cell phone signal there! It's a picturesque town filled with orange groves, so it was a nice drive. My grandma was very happy to see me and we hugged and talked and I unclogged her terrible vacuum cleaner... and then we went to a place called Ocala to see my mom in the hospital (granny doesn't drive much/far anymore). It brought back some painful memories, I drove by 3 churches I'd been kicked out of as a teenager for refusing to stop being gay.... but we made it to the hospital and I saw my mom. We had to put on gloves and a plastic jumpsuit and a face mask for some reason before we could enter the room. She looked awful, all those years of living like that had taken a toll on her, but she was glad to see me. I didn't feel any emotion at all, completely numb/neutral to the whole experience. My mom said she loved me and that I made her day by coming to see her. I lied and said I loved her too because she was dying... the truth is she disgusted me... she was never mean to me, but she was selfish and weak and lazy and I resented her for not being a responsible human being. On the way back in the car, my grandma told me I should make up with my uncle, he was still resentful about the car situation, and he was struggling financially right now... the car situation combined with his hateful wife having heart surgery put them in a financial tailspin that ended in bankruptcy and not much money left. She said it was up to me, but she knew we'd both be happier if we made up. She didn't say any more about it and we went to a seafood restaurant in the area that I'd always loved.... I had to force her to let me pay for her food... she doesn't have any money either and didn't want to take charity! I spent a few more hours with her back at her house and she tried giving me all kinds of kitchen stuff that I don't have room for and had to decline (a hen shaped electric egg boiler and an indoor grill, no thanks!), but I did let her give me a set of brand new baking pans (muffin tin, 9 by 13, two 8 in round and a cookie sheet)... I had all those things already, but the finish was peeling off all of them, so I gladly took those and said I'd be in touch.

I called every few days and talked with her to get updates on her and my mom. Earlier this week, my mom was moved to a hospice house in a place called The Villages... I'd planned to go see her yesterday since that was my next day off. Well, that never happened, because I got a call Friday that she passed at 6 PM. Nobody was really upset because they weren't close to her because of the kind of person she was (she had 5 brothers/sisters, all still living in the area), but grandma was devastated because it was her daughter. So, instead of going to hopsice I went to my grandmas house to be with her and comfort her yesterday. When I arrived, there were other cars in the yard and I knew the house would be full of people. It was... there were aunts, uncles, and cousins that I hadn't seen in years. I hugged my grandma and then all the aunts, and noticed how HOT the house was... her A/C had broken... and this is FL, the summer, and a house full of people. It was miserable. The A/C repairman had been there, and said it was fixed, but it died again 30 minutes after he left so we had to summon him back to do it right. Then, the uncle I had the conflict with came in... he shook my hand and told me he was sorry about my mom (his sister) and that I didn't get to see her one more time before she died. I told him to follow me out to the car because I had something for him... I gave him 500 dollars (he had to pay 3000 when the car got repoed), and the look in his face when I have him the money was priceless. It was a combination of shock and gratitude and of a burden being relieved.... he said it couldn't have come at a better time because he only had 10 dollars until his next paycheck and he couldn't even afford a new tire for his truck. We talked a while and there were apologies all around for the way things happened in the past, and then he told me how my mom died since he was holding her hand when it happened... he told me how glad she was that I came to see her in the hospital. I told him I was kind of glad that I got to see her there instead of at hospice... she was unconscious by then and probably wouldn't have even known I was there anyway. We think that the hospital brought her death about even sooner than it had to be because they gave her a chemo treatment even though the cancer had spread too far already and they knew it was terminal..... that treatment ruined the rest of what was left of her life... and it wasn't a few days after that she started sleeping all the time (that's what I mean by unconscious).

Anyway, yesterday turned out really well and everything happened the way it should have... everyone was glad to see me but they barely recognized me since I got fat... I was 150 pounds when they last saw me, compared to 220 now, that's quite a difference. None of them seem to mind the gay thing anymore... in fact the cousin I was raised with who called me a nasty name when they found out I was gay told me that he voted to support gay marriage during the last election! I think they are just glad that I'm happy and doing OK and supporting myself and all that good stuff. So, because my mom died, I got back in touch with the family and got some unresolved conflict out of the way, so I guess something good did happen from this tragedy. Which really isn't a tragedy, the tragedy was the way she lived her life, not that her life ended. It will probably end up being a good thing because she was kind of a burden to the family, as everyone was always worried about her and she was always fighting with people. In two weeks (that's as soon as everyone can get off work at the same time) they are having a little informal get together where everyone brings food and says nice things about the person who died (if they can think of any, it will be hard.... I guess the best thing to say is that at least she spent her life doing what she loved best, drinking and smoking, ironic that's what killed her)...

Oh yeah, and the day my mom died, my boyfriend moved to North Carolina because he couldn't find work here and got an irresistible deal from a company up there.... I guess it's good because now that I'm back in touch with the family I'll have more time to go see them, and grandma is going to need some support. He wants to stay together, but I don't do the long distance thing and I've missed being single actually... we've been together a year now. I haven't told him yet, I don't want to ruin the beginning of this new life for him by busting up with him... maybe I should just forward him this thread LOL just kidding!

Anyway, I've already volunteered to make desserts for the gathering so I'm going to do a cheesecake and a cookie and brownie platter. I may make potato salad as well, if I still have energy after all the sweets. I don't think I should need any recipes though, I plan on using tried and true things that I've made for years (lemon bars, peanut butter cookies, King Arthurs brownies, snicker doodles... things like that).

I wonder what we're going to do with the ashes. Maybe we should put them in a beer can, I know that is what SHE would have wanted! I guess granny will just keep them in a box somewhere or sprinkle them in her pond, who knows!

Sorry it was so long, I just had to get it off my chest! Still not sure how I feel about the whole thing, I never thought I'd talk to or see any of my family again for the rest of my life! Thanks for reading

Comments (40)

centralcacyclist
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Aw Bobby. You made me cry. You are a wonderful human being. Hugs and hugs.

Eileen
compumom
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby, in spite of all that you endured with your unhappy childhood, you've shown the family that the amazing person you've become. I'm very proud of you!

Hugs,
Ellen
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mitchdesj
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm happy for you that this is turning out to be a positive experience and a
milestone in your life, you wrote your tale so well it was easy to understand all the complexities.
caliloo
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby I'm happy that you have reconnected with your family and are able to forgive them for how you were treated. Good for you for making it happen.

Alexa
wizardnm
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Good for you Bobby. Learning to forgive is going to make you a much happier person.

As for the boyfriend... it doesn't sound like he was the love of your life. Keep looking!

Nancy
ann_t
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby, sweetheart, you are a wonderful man.

I'm happy for you that you have reconnected with your family and that you had a chance to see your mom before she died.

Ann
jojoco
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You did the right thing. Not that I had any doubts that you would.
Jo
lowspark
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
What a story! I think it's great that you were able to reconcile with your family! Not an easy thing to do!
lindac
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Ya know, Bobby....you have proven to me once again that there is really no good excuse for bad behavior.
Time and time again I have seen or heard people say...But my Father beat me....or my mother was an alcoholic, or my parents didn't care what I did or my mother never told me she loved me....or my father never told me he loved me....
Right now I have a friend who has been in therapy for 4 or more years and has a failed marriage and a current troubled relationship because her father beat her and never told her he loved her.
You have once again proven that it IS possible to pull yourself up, dust your self off and get on with making a good and productive life for yourself.....and to do the right thing!!
I applaud not only what you did this past few weeks but the kind of man you are striving to be.
And tell the BF Buh By.....as I said when you started with him....you can do better.
Linda C
claire_de_luna
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby, it sounds like you and your grandmother are the winners in this story, getting to reconnect. Good for you for ''doing the right thing'' as Linda said. I'm glad you got some closure to this. If by being around more, you can serve as the shining example (your family so desperately seems to need), I commend you.
rob333 (zone 7b)
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby, you did great! I am so proud of you. I knew they'd come to their senses and I am glad they did so soon. And you've made peace. That's so wonderful.
annie1992
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby, I'm proud of you, you did well indeed. It takes a big man to get over all the past problems and I think you've shown your family what a big man you've managed to become.

I'm truly sorry about your Mom, both how she lived and how she died. I'm especially happy you've made some peace with the uncle who raised you and with your Grandmother, who will appreciate having you in her life even more.

You're a good man, Bobby, and you'll find the love of your life when the time is right.

Annie
riverrat1
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby, I'm so sorry that your Mother lived her life the way she did. It's a great thing that we can make our own choices on how we live our life and you my dear made the right choice!

Peace is a wonderful thing! Especially when we can lay our heads on our pillows at night knowing that we have done our best.

Grandma's are the best! I hope that your relationship with her continues to prosper.
sheshebop
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I am so glad you connected with family. You showed maturity beyond your years in your handling of the situation. And it has to have been great to conenct with the grandma and the uncle especially. Good for you!
Sherry
BeverlyAL
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby, I'm so glad you saw your Mother before she passed away since this is what she wanted. Even though you say you felt numb, it was something you will always be glad you did. And very happy you got to get to be with your grandmother more. You have really grown up and tried to do the right thing which some people never do. Even though you owed your uncle that $500, I'm sure you could have used it yourself so that was very adult too. I'm glad you made up. It's wonderful of you to want to be a support to your grandmother because it sounds like she needs it and that you mean everything to her.

Beverly
shaun
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow Bobby. Just wow.

I'm so proud of the way you handled this whole situation.

When you were telling us how you had to "suit up" to enter your mother's room, I thought you were going to say that it was "so no gayness would get on her." hahahhaah!!!

Bobby I love you. I love the person you are. I love how caring you are and how fair you are. You're just an all around GOOD person. I'm proud to know you.

And I love how you called your grandmother's vacuum cleaner "terrible"! hahah Only YOU! xoxox
chase_gw
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby I feel so blessed that you came to this forum. You have shown strength and humility and a wonderful sense of self that has made me think about a few things.

Now that I know the context of your life experience I am even more in awe of you.

Sharon
lsr2002
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby, I remember the first time you posted that you were estranged from your family. My instant thought was that you could be a part of our CF family and that you would be welcome in my family too.

I think you will always be glad that you reached out and made the connection with your mother and other family members. You are a wonderful person and I'm glad I know you too.

Lee
sheesh
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby, you seem at peace with yourself. You did the right thing and you will do the right thing again regarding your grandma. You are a good man.

And, by the way, you're a damn good writer, too. You exposed your inner self here. That was probably both hard and therapeutic. Now breathe deep and smile.....

Sherry
mustangs81
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Having met you I would never have guest that you had such challenges in your life! Since then I have thought of you as a friend, now I feel that it is a privilege to call you a friend.

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."
lakeguy35
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You are a good and wonderful person Bobby. Even though your DM wasn't what you would have wanted in a DM I'm very glad to read that you went to see her. As far as the family goes.... good for you again! Glad to read that they have come to terms with things and hopefully think that all life is about is love and acceptance no matter your race, religion, sexuality, or what the church may say. Hope this is a NEW start with family and friends that may have judge you for whatever.... be sure and keep up with your DGM too...I'm thinking she needs you around now more than ever.

David
petaloid
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby, thank you very much for sharing.

So many major happenings for you in just three weeks. It will probably take awhile for you to process all of this.

Rest and focus on your own health and well-being during this time of emotional healing. We're sending good thoughts your way!
jessyf
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Standing up and applauding for you. I can't add anything to what has already been said here. You have dispatched so many demons with such grace!
vacuumfreak
Original Author
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thanks for all the support guys, you all are the best and made me smile. Lee, I remember when you said that, it always made me feel good... and I did become a member of the CF family and you are better than a real family in many ways. Sherry, thanks about the writing... English and creative writing teachers/professors have always loved me, though I don't do it as much as I should anymore. Thank you all so much for the awesome responses.

I'm going back to shampoo my grandmas and uncles carpets one day soon, they look terrible. I told my uncle I'd have him up for dinner one night (his wife's cooking has always matched her personality, dreadful!). Hard working (he's a corrections officer at a jail) good ol' boys deserve nice home cooked meals too!

Something I forgot to mention... my mom turned 53 on the 4th of this month. My grandma turned 77 on the 9th. At least my mom had one more birthday, but she still died young. Her father died back in 97 and he was only 64, but also an alcoholic and heavy smoker. He got a brain tumor and I spent that entire summer helping grandma take care of him. She still remembers that and cries when she talks about how much I was there for her even though I was only in 7th grade. It's just said that my mom (her name was Colleen) died so close to granny's birthday, that will make her future birthdays somber. Oh yeah... and my grandma's hairdresser who lives in that same small town wants to see me again. I don't really want to see her though. She took me to her fun "charasmatic" church when I was a teenager because I had stopped going to the family Baptist church because it was boring me. She picked me up every Sunday for almost a year, and hers was one of the ones I was kicked out of. She was nice, but still thinks that if I "stay gay" I will be on fire with the devils pitchfork in my butt for all of eternity... I don't want to deal with her, but I am confident enough to stand up for myself and my beliefs if she tries to start anything. I may see her just to make granny happy, she has known me since I was a baby (she used to baby sit me when my mom was out drinking)... I've just got to be careful, I'm not in the habit of doing things out of obligation and guilt, and I don't intend on starting now!

Okay, I've got to get to work now, but I just wanted to say again a heartfelt thanks to all of you for being there for me through all of this and many other situations :o) Hopefully, I'll be able to start participating in the forum normally again now that things have settled!
Gina_W
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"on fire with the devils pitchfork in my butt" LOL Bobby! I'm happy to see you have a sense of humor about life - without it we wouldn't be able to pull through some of the carp that gets handed to us. The school of hard knocks is a pretty good alma mater.
sally2_gw
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow, Bobby, I just now read this whole thread. What a story, what a life. I can't put it any better than the others have already said, but I'm proud of you, happy for you, and admire you. And, I'm proud of your uncle for being big enough to change for the better. That took courage, too.

Sally
cloudy_christine
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
It's very hard to give what you never got. But the people who manage to do it become some of the best people in the world.
BeverlyAL
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby, I wish I could make everyone understand that "gayness" isn't a choice people can make. I'm a Baptist too, so please don't judge us all by a few people.
vacuumfreak
Original Author
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Beverly, it would be nice if people understood that. I don't judge anyone, life has taught me that's not a good thing to do :o)

I called my grandma to check on her last night while I was out getting food on my lunch break. I was late coming back from lunch because we talked so long! She acted like she was going to cry but didn't. She said I'm all she has left of my mom now, so she's going to hang on tight. Not sure how to interpret that. I hope she still sees me as an individual and realizes that even though my mom created me on accident probably during a night of drunken promiscuity, I am nothing like her. She told me that a few days before my mom died, she asked my mom to tell her who my father was. It would have bee nice to know, especially for things like medical history. My mom refused, instead telling her that wasn't a very nice question to ask... then she went to sleep. At least she was consistent!
BeverlyAL
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You have been though a lot Bobby. I'm sure your grandmother is going to lean on you and depend on you now especially. Hopefully she won't take too long to see that she has to let you have a life. I'm glad you can be there for each other. BTW, truth be told, most of use were accidents. I know I was.
fearlessem
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby --
Thank you so much for sharing your story here with us. It is wonderful to read how you are moving through it all with grace and a sense of humor...

Emily
dcarch7 d c f l a s h 7 @ y a h o o . c o m
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
A hauntingly riveting account of your lifes journey so far.

I never understood the "vacuum" part of your user name, because life sucks?

Nothing I can add to what has already been said so well by everyone.
Having spent most of my adult life in NYCÂs East Village and having grown up in a totally non-religious and non-political environment, homophobic-ness is quite foreign to me to say the least.
I do, however, have one complaint about homosexuality. I donÂt like the fact that they have hijacked the word "gay". I canÂt say " I feel gay today" anymore.

Let me play Dr. Phil for the moment.

You went from 150 to 220 when you left your family in a very stressful situation.
It seems to me that now the situation has turned around, perhaps it will facilitate your aspiration of going from 220 towards 150?

darch
annie1992
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
darch, Bobby is "vacumnfreak" because he collects vacumn cleaners. If you need to know anything about vacumn cleaners, he's the guy to ask.

I grew up in a religious and intensely political family, but some of the people I love best in my life are gay/lesbian. I'm a Methodist, but that doesn't color my opinion. I think some people hide behind the church when promoting their own opinions because they just don't have the guts to say "this is how I feel", they need someone else to blame.

Annie
spacific
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby,
Should you ever decide to write a book, it will be a best seller. You are extremely gifted with your words telling us all such a personal story with humor and grace. You have been through so much.

I can only imagine what a wonderful life you have ahead of you because you have made such amazing choices in spite of your past.

Ann
obxgina
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby, I read this yesterday and you brought tears to my eyes. I thought about your story frequently since then and you know you are such an inspiration to all the disjointed families everywhere. You are a real class act and you handled what must have been a very difficult and painful decision with such grace. You have made so many people happy and for that you should be very proud of yourself. I don't know you and I am extremely proud of you! You are a wonderful person and please don't ever forget that!

Gina
jessyf
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
(((Gina))) IIRC you have some painful family stuff yourself.
loagiehoagie
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby, after reading your story I had tears streaming down my face too. And yes, you are a gifted writer....you should seriously consider writing a book. You have a real talent in that area. I give you a ton of credit for being such a nice guy with the way you had to grow up. As a guy who went into the travel business when I was 26 years old (the age you are now) and having no idea that most of the men in that business were gay I was a bit surprised at that. It didn't mean a thing to me. Who cares? I was raised to treat everyone as an individual....some people are good, some bad and some in the middle....but sexual orientation doesn't mean a hill of beans. It's the same thing as what color or nationality you are. I'm glad that you shared your story. It really gives insight to your story and you are really to be commended for rising above your earlier upbringing and turning out to be a great person.

Duane
vacuumfreak
Original Author
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow, thanks everyone. Man you all are amazing! I didn't mean to make people cry! It was a little weird for me to realize that my best friend is the same age as my mom was when she died! I talked to granny yesterday, she wants me to read a poem at my mom's 'memorial' on Saturday. I guess I will, I've never been able to say no to her! I'll post back and let you know how Saturday goes. I hope I remember to get a picture of me with granny to post here.

Dcarch, who knows if I will lose weight now or not. I have a sense of humor about it and I'm happy with myself... I'm not out to impress anyone. If I do, great, and if not, I'll be happy anyway. I think I love food too much to be very skinny. And yes, Annie is right... I LOVE vacuums. Here's a Youtube video of my collection :o) I made this to show other vacuum and appliance collectors (yes, there's a club for that too).... You'll have to excuse the messy place! I've gotten two more since I made the video!
dcarch7 d c f l a s h 7 @ y a h o o . c o m
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby,

I know about vacuum collectors. Very interesting video.

I will start a new thread later about vacuum cleaners. I don't want to go off topic on your thread.

Also may be a new thread about body weight.

dcarch
annie1992
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bobby, how can the place be a mess with all those vacumns? (grin)

As for the diet, maybe we all love food too much to be really thin, that's why we're on the cooking forum! Yeah, I think you're right.

Good luck on Saturday, I'll be thinking about you. You'll be wonderful and your Grandmother will be even prouder of you, if that's possible.

You have certainly grown up to be a big man, and one your Grandmother has reason to be very proud of.

Annie

family and facebook, woah!

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