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| I'm trying hard not to be pi$$ed at half my family but I'm not doing to well.
I had counted on 15 for Easter dinner and shopped and cooked accordingly. Last night...late my youngest brother called to say he wouldn't be making it today even though he had told me twice he would be. Seems his GF had forgotten that she had promised her Mom that they would be going to her house. Bull!!! .....3 down! Then my sister called half hour ago to tell me she and her two kids would not be coming. Seems my niece had a chance to pick up some extra hours at work and my nephew wasn't really feeling "up to it", he thinks he is coming down with a cold...what the hell is that! 3 more down! I host every single holiday meal, do the work and pretty much foot the total bill . I love doing it don't get me wrong, but these two pull this type of stunt fairly often. Like the time my sister told me that she, her BF, 3 kids and their friends would be coming to the cottage, arriving on a Friday afternoon. I made spaghetti and meatballs for 10. She called at 7:30 to say they had decided to stay in the city and come up Saturday AM! .........grrrrrrrr! I'm not sure why but these two are so different from the rest of us but they always need something, always feel hard done by and are oblivious to the efforts that the rest of the family put into being a family. Wish my Mom was here so I could ask here why they are this way....then again maybe it's better she isn't here to see how they behave. Well the upside is Doug and Sara will get tons of leftovers! Sorry for the rant but I'm feeling better! |
Follow-Up Postings:
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- Posted by chancesmom (My Page) on Sun, Apr 4, 10 at 14:05
| Oh Sharon I get your frustration. My sister said she would be coming today for dinner - nothing special, but I did a bit of work and cleaned. She decided since she did not sleep well she would rather take a nap before she gets Jack. (He will have already eaten at his grandmas) So she is going to swing by after 7 to pick up left overs......!! On another note, just booked flights for TO for Apr 20 to 24. Can we try to get together for a visit. Just Chance and I this time. Would you be able to swing a visit into the city? Janet |
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- Posted by marlingardener (browns@rgf-tx.com) on Sun, Apr 4, 10 at 14:21
| Just half your family drives you nuts? Lucky you! Next time extend an invitation, then call late the night before and tell them your plans have changed and you'll all get together some other time! |
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| Boy, would I be ticked off! And I am not sure I would put up with it again, either. Janet, you mean she is coming by for take out, not leftovers. Gee...I think we ate it all, sorry! |
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- Posted by chancesmom (My Page) on Sun, Apr 4, 10 at 14:52
| Peppi - you are right - it is take out! |
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| So, from now on, announce that you're cooking for 4 or 6, and everyone else can bring something to contribute to a pot luck, if they decide to participate. |
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- Posted by kathleenca (My Page) on Sun, Apr 4, 10 at 18:36
| I'm with you, Sharon; I'm sorry. I think it is so rude, & so irritating after all the planning, buying & cooking. It's surprising how many relatives seem to think it is okay to cancel last minute, isn't it. I hope you are able to say that you are disappointed, especially after all the... etc., rather than saying oh gee - sorry you can't make it. I would love to take marlingardener's suggestion, or just not invite them for a time or two. |
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| I understand! We had 15 family members, but DH's 19 and 20 yr. old neices are spoiled and inconsiderate and have always been. Other than that we had a great time. We always serve buffet style and I had the dining room table set up, the patio table outside and my grandsons picnic table outside. It was a beautiful day, 85 degrees, 10 mph winds, the umbrella over the picnic table and the fan going on the patio, just beautiful. I thought the older adults, 56 to 83 could sit inside in the dining room, the younger adults, 19 to 31 could sit at the patio table and the two little grands at their picnic table. But the 20 yr. old neice informed me that it was too hot for her and she wasn't sitting outside. I couldn't believe it, well really I can. It just really pi$$ed me off, I wish they had called and said they weren't coming. Whew,, and Happy Easter! |
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- Posted by beanthere_dunthat (My Page) on Sun, Apr 4, 10 at 19:30
| hehe...I like Marlingarner's idea. But that's right up my alley. I'd be fuily capable of doing just tht and not feeling the least bit bad about it. In fact, I'd wait until the morning of the event to tell them "sorry, we changed our mind. Sonething else came up." If they complain, just look innocent and say, "Well, I didn't think you'd mind since you've done it to us so often." My MIL is making me crazy in a similar way. She keeps making a big deal about visiting, then cancelling at the last minute. Four times in the last two weeks. Here's a hint to those who don't know: if you're going to indulge in this sort of behavior, don't over-explain the 47 reasons why you are canceling at the last minute AGAIN, especially when you're the one who initiated the idea to visit. All that does is increase the annoyance factor to the other person. |
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| My first instinct was to say....next time don't invite them....but they are family even if they don't seem to know it. But...I would say...the next time I issue an invitation..."Are you sure you can come? I'm not going to fix a meal and have you not show up....then call the day before and ask again. Say.."if you don't think you can come let me know now as I am sick of preparing a meal for people who don't show." I would really be pi$$ed!!! |
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| Next time invite everyone to a restaurant. Dutch treat. |
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| My nieces used to do this kind of thing to my mother all the time. They would say they would be arriving in time for dinner, so she would prepare something nice. Then they would call and say "oh such and such happened" and they wouldn't arrive until late. My mom would be furious. She finally read them the riot act and that was the end of that behavior. These people must never entertain or they would know what goes into preparing a meal. If they had done it themselves they would be there as promised. Maybe. |
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- Posted by claire_de_luna (My Page) on Sun, Apr 4, 10 at 21:11
| Sharon, I don't volunteer anymore when things like that happen. I'm sure you would handle things differently, but I would simply quit inviting them. You don't say, but I suspect they are among the youngest family members? (Or in my case, the weakest family members who usually get a free pass from any ''responsibility''.) Ugh. I agree they have never entertained, and don't know what's involved. Maybe it's time to do it for someone who appreciates it more. At least you know who it isn't! |
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| I seem to have the exact opposite problem, my family members show up and bring others with them. We always have way too much food, so I don't mind. Today I knew Elery had to work and Ashley had to work, so it was Amanda, Dave, the kids and me. Mother has an open invitation, but I didn't know if she was coming to my house or going to my stepdad's granddaughter's house. So Mother shows up, Dave and Amanda come and bring Tommy, a cousin. Dinner for 5 became dinner for 7, LOL, and it wasn't a problem except that I didn't have an Easter basket for Tommy. Fortunately I'd hidden about 60 eggs, so there were plenty for all three kids to hunt and there were still lots of leftovers. I'm afraid I'd have to say something to my siblings, though, if they said they'd come and then didn't. I doubt that I'd stop inviting them or even get too ticked, but I would say that I'd cooked for a couple of days and that I could have saved quite a large grocery bill if I'd only known that they weren't coming. They won't quit if there are no repercussions. In fact, if they are anything like my "baby" sister, it may not have even dawned on them that they are causing any inconvenience, since the world exists only for their purposes. Annie |
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| Gosh, Sharon, you should have heard me yelp at my poor husband when our son called and said they'd be an hour late! I feel guilty now - at least they showed up! I have the mess to prove it. I'm really a softie, so I'd probably keep taking what my brothers dish out. I have four younger brothers , so I feel kind of protective or something about them. My husband gets pretty upset when they pull yet another stunt - not showing up for dinner, promising to do a job then not doing it, stuff like that. But, well, I keep on putting up with them. I guess it's what we do...breathe deep and carry on. |
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| Now that my kids are adults, it seems to be much harder to get a solid commitment. So, to save my own sanity (or what's left of it), I simply invite everyone, plan a meal I really like, serve at the time stated and anyone who wants to blow in late gets what's left, or just dessert, or whatever. I freeze leftovers and enjoy them later! Sometimes I really enjoy them and am half glad someone didn't show! LOL No, it's not ideal, but it beats getting angry at the people most important to me! It has taken me several "no shows", "lates", etc. to get to this point, but now I'm just grateful for the time we can spend together. I try to remember those who have sons, daughters, parents, siblings far away, maybe in a war zone. Happy Easter Everyone! Deanna |
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| Deanna I like the way you think! Sharon with a situation like yours, I'm glad I'm an only child! :D |
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| I think they take you for granted because you always host, they don't "get" that it's a lot of work, time and expense and you don't necessarily live to cook or do it in your sleep ; they wait till the last minute and then decide if they feel like going. It's selfish and inconsiderate on their part. It may be time for you to be not so gracious and really tell them how you feel. |
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- Posted by cloudy_christine (My Page) on Mon, Apr 5, 10 at 7:49
| Sharon, are you really Irish? |
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- Posted by georgysmom (My Page) on Mon, Apr 5, 10 at 9:02
| I loved marlinardener's suggestion but must admit I wouldn't have the guts to do it.....fun thinking about it though. |
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| Thanks for letting me rant! No matter how inconsiderate they are I could never stop hosting the family holiday meals , unless of course someone else offered, not that that is likely to happen! I couldn't exclude them either. We have one rift in the family and I couldn't bear another. It's small potatoes stuff in the big picture of things but it really is irritating beyond words. Perfect solution, my brother, the eldest boy, was seriously ticked at their behaviour so he is going to call the two of them and tell them how much effort, expense, etc.......I had gone to and that they need to be more sensitive to that, They won't dare speak back to him he has rank! LOL All in all it was a lovely day but man did I have leftovers! PS: The real tick off was she was to bring dessert so at the last minute I had to throw something together becasue no stores were open. Lori's Drenched Cranberry cake to the rescue! It is so darn easy to make......thanks Lori! |
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| LOL marlin and Georgy. Lets just say if the day before a planned dinner I didn't " feel like it" I will use that tactic and not feel one bit guilty. Cloudy, with a last name like O'Grady you can be sure I am! |
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- Posted by cloudy_christine (My Page) on Mon, Apr 5, 10 at 10:04
| Sharon, it was your holding your tongue that made me say that! (Teasing a known O'Grady.) In my mother's Irish family the feelings would have been expressed! With varying degrees of style and wit depending on the person, but always right out there. Great that your big brother is laying down the law. |
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| Sorry Christine it went right over my head.... Believe me we have had some pretty vocal moments around holiday tables, actually around any table. Quiet we aren't and shy we aren't. LOL |
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| Ah Sharon-- aren't you glad you can come here and rant ? Yep-- that's family-- drive you crazy but you love & put up with them anyway. know it's hard at times but not having them around once in awhile would be worse. Glad your Holiday was ok otherwise . |
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| No advice here Sharon, just feeling great empathy for you. I've been in that position myself so I know how it feels. Sometimes its extremely difficult not to sound off about how you feel. Sounds like you are handling it perfectly by letting big brother get to them. He probably needs to remind them again closer to the date you are going to host them. |
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- Posted by publickman (My Page) on Mon, Apr 5, 10 at 19:56
| Like Annie, I tend to have the opposite problem of having extra people show up at the last minute. There is never a shortage of food however. I think members of my family know that if they do not show up when they are expected, they risk getting disowned by my mother! She does not tolerate no-shows at all! She will lay a guilt trip on them thick and heavy. So if they do not intend to show up, they must give notice weeks in advance. What I dislike is when my errant nephew shows up late and steals half the leftover food (including an entire turkey breast last Christmas) to take home with him. If I ever cook for him again, the food will be strictly rationed. He could buy his own food, but he is an incorrigible thief. Be glad you don't have him in your family. Lars |
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| Sharon, I know how much you love to entertain family and friends. Not to forget how much you time and effort you put into pleasing a crowd. Weather it's family or friends it's just so tacky and thoughtless to cancel that late in the game. I can see a few days before but not the day of or the night before. Having said that....I have a few in my group that seem to do the same thing more than not. They are not family but I don't even count them in the group much anymore. Family, there are those that are always LATE and the ones who run out of time to bring their dish... I still love the heck out of them even though I'd like to give them a swift kick in the a$$. Glad to hear your DB is going to fill them in and set them straight. David |
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| Half my family drives me nuts too... my husband's half. :-) |
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| Sharon, I think you did exactly the right thing. Deanna, I loved your post; you put it perfectly. I DEFINITELY understand your frustration, and I would need a lot more than ONE rant to get over it. But I think it would be a mistake to cut off family, or to stop doing the entertaining you love. It's always better to solve a problem than to win a fight. It's not as if the only two choices are to (1) be a doormat and (2) stop inviting them. Why not help them get it right? I'm glad Big Brother is going to speak to them, but if he couldn't, you could do it yourself. Not a lecture on how they are being inconsiderate, but how inconvenient it is for you and that it makes you feel bad. Maybe they never even realized it. I might consider doing it in a letter or email -- that way you (or Big Brother) can make sure you only say exactly what you want to, and they don't feel like they have to defend themselves or even respond. |
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| The worst thing about a situation like that is when it is potluck, so you often do not have enough food or the wrong combination of food. That's why I always ask others not to bring stuff. I would rather make it all and know it was sufficeint. And I love leftovers. I portion them into little freezer trays and have lunches for a long time. Chase, I hope your brother lets them know how inconsiderate they were. Maybe, as Annie said, they just don't realize it because it is all about them. Sherry |
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- Posted by singingsky_z5 (My Page) on Mon, Apr 12, 10 at 9:24
| Will you accept a lurker joining in here and attempting to respectfully present another side to similar situations? I, too, consider it very rude to accept an invitation and at the last moment not to show up. The work and expense of the hostess should always bring about gratitude. What I'm about to say now is that some of us, while we love our extended families, just do not care very much for holiday celebrations or big get-togethers. We're more one-on-one people, and uncomfortable (even panicky) in such situations. Therefore, we should, and most often do, say "no" to the initial invitation. Now, that alone takes care of most of the problems being discussed, doesn't it? (That last is actually a question!) What I'd like to know is why we are often then beaten up on and dissed for not being there, even when we've been truthful and gracious and mean no disrespect at all. Sometimes it seems that people like me can't win for losing if we don't fit right into the rest of the group and the way they decide things should be done. Will anyone help with advice from the other side of the coin? Linda B. |
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| Since you decline the invitation up front and actually cause no inconvenience, I can't fault you on that account, but if you want to remain in touch with "The Family" that means you will have to go out of your way to do the one on one thing....which you are careful to do....aren't you? I am suggesting that by refusing to attend all large get togethers you seem to be distancing yourself from the rest of the family. Don't you care to see aunt Evelyn? Or Cousin Ralph?...Do you attend weddings and funerals as well as birthday parties and Holiday dinners? I had a visit with the son of a family member who never ever came to family functions. He, the child of the parents who never attended, said he felt left out...that the rest of the cousins didn't like them. I said that's because you were never at the weddings and parties where the rest of the family were. will your kids feel like that when they are 40? I feel that you are being stand-offish and choosing to distance your self from the family and ought to simply attend. Linda C |
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| Linda B, My youngest brother is exactly like that. He isn't comfortable out of his own space. He just never feels like he fits in but he does make an effort for the three biggies (Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter) We all know this and accept it. It's just who he is . I can't imagine why you would be made to feel bad if you are upfront and honest and don't accept invitations only to cancel or not show, as my brother and sister did. Perhaps though it might be a good idea to have your family over for "one on ones" so that the connection is maintained and they know it's not them but the situation that makes you uncomfortable. If they love you, and there are no other family issues you haven't mentioned, it should be fine with them. |
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- Posted by singingsky_z5 (My Page) on Mon, Apr 12, 10 at 19:59
| Thanks to both of you for the replies. No, I didn't tell the family issues! LOL. But, Chase, your brother is greatly blessed to be accepted for who he is. I'll bet he appreciates that and loves you very much. I shouldn't have broken in here. Thanks for the kindness. Linda B. |
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| Linda B, you are more than welcome to "break in" here anytime. I have a brother who hasn't attended a family gathering in a couple of years. I tell him it's because he's such an anti-social old f*art that no one can tolerate him. He didn't even come to my wedding reception, although when he met Elery the first words he spoke were "You must have been drunk when you married her". (grin) There are some family issues, plus he has chronic health issues and just recently became disabled, so not only is he uncomfortable emotionally, he's uncomfortable physically. Everyone knows that and cuts him some slack, although we rag him mercilessly about it and he gives as good as he gets. BUT, he does not accept invitations and then cancel at the last minute or just not show. He always gets invited and he always says "thanks, but no thanks" or some version of that. Well, actually, "When you learn to cook, I'll come for dinner" is more likely what he says, LOL. The rest of the family laughs at us, because we are closer than any of the rest of the family, but Elery hasn't figured out the relationship yet. Annie |
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| Linda B You are more than welcome to pipe in anytime. It would be lovely if you joined us virtually! Sharon |
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| Suzytwo........roflmao !!! Too Funny !!!! Diana55 |
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| Only half? Consider yourself fortunate. |
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| I'm with Duker - half would be a gift! I've become the family "go-to" for holidays the past few years and although I'm flattered that everyone enjoys my food I do get a little bent that certain family members don't quite "get" that when I host I spend 20 times the time effort and money than they do when they just show up with a bottle of wine or deviled eggs. And then we have a horrible year like this past where my mom was in the hospital for almost 1/3 of the year and is in the hospital again now recovering from a hip replacement and I say to myself wow I'm lucky they come over and bug the crap outta me at all :) Family is crazy - and annoying - and wonderful - and my favorite obligation. |
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| LindaB, I hope you're still lurking out there. Though I love family gatherings, my husband does not, so I often go to weddings, funerals, family and friend functions and the like alone. When I arrive, my hosts and their guests demand to know why Hub is absent AGAIN! It's been like this for 42 years. Sometimes I don't want to go because I don't want to face the firing line again, but I always enjoy myself when I do. On the other hand, in the last few years Hub has become a wonderful, attentive host, attending to our guests needs and comforts like no other. He is a marvelous conversationalist in our home, but in someone else's, trying to make small talk, he is extremely uncomfortable. We have several dinner parties and a big bash or two a year. Maybe he's being standoffish as LindaC suggests, but I don't think so. It is who he is. Nothing can change that. I wish I could give you advice on how to handle your family, but I haven't any. Even though I've lived with Hub all these years, I'll never understand his reluctance (refusal)....I love family functions, Hub does not. It's a simple as that. As long as you continue declining with grace, be comfortable with yourself and your decisions and let the rest of them work it out for themselves. Sherry |
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