I HATE those kind of coaches. Obviously the team's loss shows that despite his tactics and strategies, they didn't come out on top. Nonetheless, your son was hurt and I feel for you and for him. Coaches need to remember that all of the players put their heart and soul into wanting to win, especially at this level. Good for him for enjoying the weekend, despite the coach's lack of sportsmanship. I'll bet that your son might coach somewhere later in life and he'll never forget the nasty trick that was played on him. I know that you certainly won't!

What an a$$. There are many opportunities in every game for every player to have a role. Like you, I watch literally hundreds of youth hockey games a year (each kid has a 60+ game season), and I've seen some horrendous coaches. The amazing thing is that the board spoke to this yutz about his "strategy" and yet he had the gall to continue. This was exactly what we dealt with at one point earlier in the season and the coach was finally let go for directly going against the board, among other issues (he was a junior's coach and not appropriate for 11/12 year olds).

I'm glad you didn't let it impact your son's weekend. Those team hotel experiences are so much fun for the kids. I really think (and I hope) that the core group of boys my son is with now and their wonderful families will be friends of ours beyond the rink days.

Chin up, my friend. I know it stinks to see your kid be treated unfairly, but you are handling yourself like a pro. You know you're my hockeymom role model!

AM

I remember experiences like that when my sons were young. There's always one or two coaches who are hell-bent on winning no matter what. They forget that the real purpose is a positive experience for the kids. It is so painful to be in the sideline seeing your kid with his eyes glued on the coach, waiting for a chance to get in the game.

Bet you would have come in first if your son had played more!

Despite the high school hijinks, my son and his teammate (stayed with us for the weekend) had the best weekend of their lives.

I'm wondering how your son feels about his limited playing time. Neither of my kids were real athletes. They both played Little League baseball and played, on average, 1-2 innings per game. That's pretty minimal. As they got older, they naturally lost interest. It just wasn't their thing.

If your son had a wonderful time doing all the other activities, maybe it's just time to let the hockey fall by the wayside and possibly find some other area of interest?

I wasn't thrilled about the small amount they got to play but that's just the way it works. One minute to 30 seconds is extreme, but if he's not as good as the other kids, no coach is going to play him for a huge amount of time.

As a parent, I expected my kids to have equal playing time with the other kids. I found out quickly, that's just not how it works. Fair or not, it's the reality. I let my kids keep playing as long as they wanted to, but the minute they said they didn't care anymore, we were done. We found other activities that didn't require athletic skill (such as Scouts) and they were much happier, and so was I!

I can relate to this.

How old is your son? My DS is in his first year of Atom, and doing very well. But, in the fall, he didn't make the rep team that he tried out for, even though so many thought he deserved the spot. The coach apparently picked friends and family, and cut a few kids that should have rightfully earned the spots. Many parents, whose kids made the team, complained to the convener. Oh well. It gave me an opportunity to teach him about nepotism, handling disappointment, and how life is not always fair. Not easy for a nine-year old. In the end, I'm glad we're not on the team, because of all the politics and parental positioning we keep hearing about.

We had a tournament a couple of weeks ago, where one kid only played about a minute and a half in only one period of the last game. I felt bad for his mom, coming all that way to watch 90 seconds of play. We ended up getting eliminated from the consolation game anyway.

But I know that when all is said and done, the kids (at this age group anyway) seem to remember from the tournaments all the fun stuff that happens off the ice, more than what happens on it.

Here is a different perspective.

My son is a high school football and baseball varsity coach. He played both in college. As a star high school athlete actively recruited by several colleges, he and we expected him to get plenty of playing time. He got almost none. It was a terrible disappointment. He said he would stand in the shower crying.

Now he is coaching high school athletics. He remembers his tearful college days and has strong feelings about letting his boys play. BUT THE RULES OF THE GAME ARE....YOU PLAY TO WIN! That means going with your best players, no matter what it means to those who don't get a chance. We knew that if only he got a chance to play, he would show them what he was worth. But, that's not how the game is played. It seems very unfair, but it is competition, plain and simple.

I hope this helps.

Sherry

Some coaching jobs are secure only by the season records. The schools expect the team to win a good portion of the time, and if they don't the coaching job is not always secure.
Most women feel the same way as you do, jojoco, that letting all the kids play is more sportsmanlike. Not all men feel that way. (Unless it is their child, LOL)
I don't know what age your child is, but usually younger kids are more apt to be played even if they aren't the best.
It does, however, sound to me like he had a wonderful weekend anyway. Let it go. Life isn't always fair. Just let him know that you are proud of him no matter how he does or how long he plays. You sound like a good, loving, big hearted Mom to me.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I should say that I am also a coach, just not very active this year. I am certified at a higher level than his current coach and far more experienced, having coached high school girls' hockey for three years (asst coach). So perhaps I have a somewhat different take than some other parents. Sherry, I do agree that at high school (and even middle school), the coaches have the right to play unevenly. I did it as a coach. My dh was an all american lacrosse player in both hs and college and continues to coach and ref at high levels. I also played college sports, so believe me, I get it. But we're talking about 9 year olds here in a youth hockey program. I am on the hockey board. The main objective in youth hockey is to develop hockey players while instilling a love and respect for the game. Organizations all over recognize this and play equally at this level. Honestly, not even our best player will ever play Division I hockey, much less the NHL. It is all about learning the sport at this age.
As far as my son goes, he is a decent player. The difference between the best player and the worst is much smaller than perhaps I've painted. Every hockey team has 3 offensive lines. He is on the third line. He is the youngest on the team, but he absolutely can hold his own out there. He has a wicked wrist shot to boot. We've encouraged him to try other sports but he won't have it. He loves hockey and is bummed, but accepting of his limited ice time. (this has been going on all season). I would love it if he quit. We would be able to do so much more as a family. But he doesn't know I feel this way.
Ironically, the worst player on our team is another child who is one of the younger players. 90% of our scored upon goals are a direct result of his learning curve (he plays defense.) He is our every other shift. Would I pull him? Heck no. He will only get better if he is on the ice. He is 9. He will improve. He is also the coach's son. Bottom line, I am much more competitive than most people I know, but winning at any cost does not apply here.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I should say that I am also a coach, just not very active this year. I am certified at a higher level than his current coach and far more experienced, having coached high school girls' hockey for three years (asst coach). So perhaps I have a somewhat different take than some other parents. Sherry, I do agree that at high school (and even middle school), the coaches have the right to play unevenly. I did it as a coach. My dh was an all american lacrosse player in both hs and college and continues to coach and ref at high levels. I also played college sports, so believe me, I get it. But we're talking about 9 year olds here in a youth hockey program. I am on the hockey board. The main objective in youth hockey is to develop hockey players while instilling a love and respect for the game. Organizations all over recognize this and play equally at this level. Honestly, not even our best player will ever play Division I hockey, much less the NHL. It is all about learning the sport at this age.
As far as my son goes, he is a decent player. The difference between the best player and the worst is much smaller than perhaps I've painted. Every hockey team has 3 offensive lines. He is on the third line. He is the youngest on the team, but he absolutely can hold his own out there. He has a wicked wrist shot to boot. We've encouraged him to try other sports but he won't have it. He loves hockey and is bummed, but accepting of his limited ice time. (this has been going on all season). I would love it if he quit. We would be able to do so much more as a family. But he doesn't know I feel this way.
Ironically, the worst player on our team is another child who is one of the younger players. 90% of our scored upon goals are a direct result of his learning curve (he plays defense.) He is our every other shift. Would I pull him? Heck no. He will only get better if he is on the ice. He is 9. He will improve. He is also the coach's son. Bottom line, I am much more competitive than most people I know, but winning at any cost does not apply here.

Sorry about the double post. It was rejected orignally. Sheshebop, I am having a hard time letting this go as it is not just my son, but two other children (out of 13) who have seen very limited ice time. (in one tournament last week, he did not let them on the ice for 2 1/3 consequetive games). As a board member, I am in a unique position to make youth hockey about deveoping all hockey players. I should also mention that I have the support of the board, with the obvious exception of my son's coach.
jo

Ah, he's a parent coach..... Not that every parent coach blindly plays his own kid no matter the talent level, but in my experience, most do. If we can avoid it we don't put our kids on a team with parent coaches. My younger son's team (he's 8) has a paid head coach with a parent as an asst coach, and whenever the head coach isn't around it's a nightmare. Similar to what you're seeing, his kid is usually -2 or -3 a game and the rest of the kids pick up the slack as much as they can. The head coach is good though, plays all the lines evenly unless it's a clutch situation. And even then, sometimes he'll double shift a center and keep the wingers on the third line before pulling the entire line.

The only thing that keeps me sane is that next year since the kids move up they (hopefully) won't be on the same team unless his son improves in a drastic way. Are the practices at least well run? Keep thinking about next year!

AM

There's a noted movie director who coached my both of my kids for one season of 8-9 y.o. basketball. He was rude and unfair. He regularly told the kids to "shut up" and didn't play them evenly. It was an miserable season. I don't think my son, who was only an average player at that time, ever chose to play basketball again as a team member. Their loss, as he grew he was quick and a good athlete and went on to play on roller hockey and baseball teams. My tiny daughter went on to discover softball which she played until she graduated high school.
I still can't watch this man's movies and will never forget his rudeness and behavior. The team parents couldn't understand how his family or his actors would put up with his lousy attitude.

When you wrote "despite the high school hijinks" in your first post in this thread I took it to mean your son played on a high school team.

It changes everything to discover he's only 9. Now I understand why you are so upset. Hope there are some changes made soon for the sake of the kids in your youth hockey program.

I've been away from the computer since I posted my response. Like amck, I thought your son was a high school player or I wouldn't have written what I did. I didn't know your son was nine. Yes, one hopes it is about development at this stage.

I think what you are doing is wonderful. So many kids get discouraged because they aren't naturally gifted athletes. Most coaches and PE teachers focus all of their attention on the talented kids even at a very young age. My kids are well beyond the team sport ages and neither of them played team sports (gymnastics and competitive show jumping here) so I mostly sidestepped the biased coach frustrations.

I disagree that PE teachers focus their attention on talented kids. Class time is entirely different from team time, all through k-12. Some people are athletes, some people are not.

My experience, therefore, my point of view. I'm sure there are some wonderful exceptions. I didn't encounter them.

Eileen, in my small town the PE teachers were usually also coaches, so I had the same experience as you did. They'd "scope out the talent" during gym class and then let that carry over to the sports teams. There are no independent sports teams here other than Little League, only those from the schools, so the teachers are usually also coaches for extra money.

For the record, all of my experiences with high school sports, athletic directors and coaches have been abysmal and I was ecstatic when both of the girls quit sports entirely. And my girls weren't bad, Amanda was average and Ashley was a state qualifier in track. Didn't make the coaches any better...

I'm sorry your weekend was so bad, Jo, and it's very wrong, but in my experience, that's how sports are. I think too many adults take sports too seriously to the detriment of the kids playing them, and that's before they start playing favorites.

Annie

I should probably expand on my previous post. My children were not interested in team sports and I never pointed them in that direction except for a couple of seasons of soccer when they were 4 through 6 years of age. Soccer is very popular and inexpensive to play in this town and just about EVERY child plays a few seasons with the local soccer association. Even at this wee age the parents were coaching and hollering from the sidelines. The coaches were all parent coaches. The kids were small and they all played in a little clump up and back and seemed not to care what the score was, if the score was even tallied. I don't recall. It seemed harmless enough.

It was fine and we moved on to gymnastics. I put my kids in gymnastics because I was concerned that they develop awareness of and enjoyment in using their bodies. I figured gymnastics would help both of them develop upper body strength and coordination while young. It worked out well. Gymnastics gave them both a great basis. Both of them are strong, slim, muscular, and seem to pick up any sport easily. But neither of them have any interest in team sports.

Yes, some people are athletes, some are not. But everyone can and should be physically active and can find enjoyment in athletic endeavor and an appreciation of sports. And some kids may not have enormous natural talent but if they have inner drive coupled with encouragement and coaching some of them are able to develop skills and confidence. I think the focus on team sports and winning leaves these kids behind. Never mind the total non-athletics.

I don't know that there is a solution. PE teachers only have so much time and a whole lot of kids. They also have goals and agendas that are mandated. I really don't know. And parents who aren't involved or being fitness role models themselves do not help the problem either.

I should probably expand on my previous post. My children were not interested in team sports and I never pointed them in that direction except for a couple of seasons of soccer when they were 4 through 6 years of age. Soccer is very popular and inexpensive to play in this town and just about EVERY child plays a few seasons with the local soccer association. Even at this wee age the parents were coaching and hollering from the sidelines. The coaches were all parent coaches. The kids were small and they all played in a little clump up and back and seemed not to care what the score was, if the score was even tallied. I don't recall. It seemed harmless enough.

It was fine and we moved on to gymnastics. I put my kids in gymnastics because I was concerned that they develop awareness of and enjoyment in using their bodies. I figured gymnastics would help both of them develop upper body strength and coordination while young. It worked out well. Gymnastics gave them both a great basis. Both of them are strong, slim, muscular, and seem to pick up any sport easily. But neither of them have any interest in team sports.

Yes, some people are athletes, some are not. But everyone can and should be physically active and can find enjoyment in athletic endeavor and an appreciation of sports. And some kids may not have enormous natural talent but if they have inner drive coupled with encouragement and coaching some of them are able to develop skills and confidence. I think the focus on team sports and winning leaves these kids behind. Never mind the total non-athletics.

I don't know that there is a solution. PE teachers only have so much time and a whole lot of kids. They probably also have goals and agendas that are mandated. I really don't know. And parents who aren't involved or being fitness role models themselves do not help the problem either.

Oh gee, the dreaded double post. Sorry.

Nice post, barnmom. You're right that kids should be aware of and enjoy using their bodies. Today's PE classes teach exactly that. The emphasis in PE is on teaching life-long sports and wellness.

PE doesn't just teach individual sports and welfare, like tennis, swimming, yoga, dance. It also teaches teamwork and health, the basic rules of common games. It may have been different when some of us were in school, but that's how it was for me in the 1960s, and that's what I've seen in the high schools I'm very familiar with.

Sherry

Jo, I hope this man gets whatever is coming to him. I'm glad you made a great weekend for your son and his friend anyway! Looking forward to see the results of your next meeting with the board.