I don't think I've even been to a service where there wasn't a repast (or just coffee) afterward. That seems to provide another level of closure and leave everyone feeling a bit less empty/sad. Maybe they were just too exhausted from traveling, etc.? It does seem a little odd.

Sue

In many Catholic parrishes, the women's group takes care of the receptions after funerals. If her/his parents are not active members or present and since she didn't live in town, perhaps there was no one to take care of it all.

Perhaps he just felt too overwhelmed to do a second reception. Did he grow up in the same town or have family there to suport him? How sad for the entire family.

I would have felt the lack of ability to talk & share memories also. Did your friend's husband also grow up in your area? I was wondering because, if not, he might not have known many people at the second service & was uncomfortable with a reception surrounded by people he did not know?

I'm sorry about the loss. Hang on to your memories. I also have a high school friend, Barbara, with life threatening cancer. We live on opposite sides of the country & the last time we got together was 5 years ago in La Jolla. Your post has spurred me to write a reminder to send an email this week & check on her.

/tricia

No, the husband was not from around here. She did have family here, however -- her brother and his wife, an aunt and cousins. I presume that is their church since that's where the service was held. When the husband emailed me about the service, I offered to do whatever I could. I wish I could have arranged some sort of small get-together. I imagine they did have a reception after the first service, so maybe that was all they could handle emotionally, I don't know.

The service was very nice. They sang Amazing Grace, which gets me every time I hear it. I just felt that talking about her would have filled some void.

Tricia, I had emailed with my friend not long ago. I wish I had made a greater effort to see her. She lived about three hours away. I guess it's a lesson to not wait until the chance has passed. Funny how we all get to the funeral, but don't take the time to have lunch before a person is gone.

Pam, I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, and especially sorry that you didn't get any kind of closure.

Perhaps the husband could only handle one reception emotionally or maybe the church involved doesn't have a committee to handle funeral luncheons, but for whatever the reason, I'm sorry you feel that you missed something important.

My family is the same way, it seems we only see each other at weddings and funerals, and there are getting to be more funerals than weddings. Dad used to tell me to remember that the people who are still alive are more important than those already gone, I have to remind myself of that sometimes.

Annie

Pam, I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend.

We had a memorial service for my dad on January 11. It was well attended by lots of friends as our family has been in this city for over 50 years. Extra chairs had to be found to put out in the chapel. We did not have a reception after and many, many people came up front to chat with my mom, my sisters and I after the end of the service. There was no place to have a reception in the community center of the retirement community where the chapel was located. Mom and Dad's patio home is definitely not big enough for a large reception. This was my mom's decision and we agreed with her. We did not have a visitation at the funeral home and we had a private interment of his ashes. These also were my mom's wishes.

Each dear departed and their family have the right to decide the final arrangements upon death. Perhaps the husband of your friend needed to keep things simple for himself and other family members.

Teresa

Oh teresa, I'm sorry to hear that you lost your father, it seems that many of us are losing family and friends here.

Hugs to you and to your Mom, I'll be sending you strong thoughts for peace and healing.

Annie

Teresa, I am so sorry to hear that you lost your father. We are never ready to say goodbye to our parents.

You make a good point. The husband looked pretty wiped out so maybe he did not have the energy for it.

I did go through the line to say a few words to her husband and brother, but of course I had to keep moving in deference to the people behind me. I probably should have stayed to say a little more, or arrived earlier. Unfortunately we had our one and only snow/ice storm the night before so it took a few extra minutes to get there.

Pam.....that's why I do what I do....
In the 6 years since I have been arranging the funeral receptions, and the 50 some deaths in our church, not one has had a funeral with nothing after. There have been 3 with no service....one last week that sort of disturbed me.
But when there is no family in town, it's good to have a place to gather.
3 weeks ago a family stayed and stayed after an 11:30 funeral. I finally said at 4:00 the coffee pots are full and there's another plate of cookies in the kitchen if you need it....but I'm going home! I have locked the doors, just turnout the lights! The deceased was 92 in a nursing home and the family all lived states away and needed to talk.
I am sorry you didn't get to chat...
Linda C

Thanks, Linda.

As I read your post I was thinking you needed LindaC there.

I think it's harder to lose a friend sometimes than it is family, not to diminish the loss of family members, but with friends it leaves a different kind of hole that's hard to fill, if possible. I'm so very sorry for your loss, Pam.

Same to you, Teresa. In spite of what I just said, losing your parents is very difficult. I will hold you close to my heart and be thinking of you.

Sally

My mom passed away on Christmas Day - my dad passed several years ago, but I come from a very large family. The reception was definitely offered as an option, but not something obligatory. She was in a very large parish, and they do charge per person for the reception, so I can see the cost deterring some people. I also agree it could have been that they could not handle another get together. We did have a visitation with people an hour prior to the service, and that was nice. It's true that many people show up who you did not expect or did not even know. I'm sorry for your loss.

Blueiris....Please accept condolences on the loss of your mother.
I am curious about you say they charge per person. We are trying to get down on paper our official "policy". In the past I guess at one time the group charged, and another time it was done and charged through the funeral home.
We just do what the family asks for and accept whatever donation comes our way. Some are very generous and some don't offer any money at all....but so far we are ahead a little more than $3,000. Always curious how other churches do it.

Blueiris, I'm sorry to hear that you lost your mother.

Here the church doesn't charge either, and I'm baking 100 rolls for a service on Saturday. One of the elderly neighbors passed away and she was cremated, there will be no service at the funeral home at all, but the children wanted a luncheon of some kind. The Township agreed to let them use the townhall free of charge and everyone is pitching in with food so it'll be kind of a potluck meal with lots of coffee. Pastor Brummel, who performed the wedding for Elery and I will have a small service there rather than at the church itself, because a wedding is already scheduled for the church.

Yes, they all are different.

Annie

Thanks --- Linda, I believe it was $5.95, 6.95 or $7.95 pp, depending upon what it was - from cold cut items for sandwiches to roast chicken. The committee from the parish filled in then with salads and desserts. They had certain numbers to base it off of, whether the person was younger or older, well known, etc as obviously you can't know for certain how many people to expect. They had the numbers set in increments of 25.

Dedtired, after thinking about your oginal post a little more, it sounds like she passed away too young, which I think makes it all the more difficult on those left behind. I've lost people before, but none as close as my mother and it is a completely different type of grief, so I can only imagine how the husband must feel. Since they lived in Maryland, maybe they had more of a visitation there, and he didn't feel like he knew enough people where she grew up to be comfortable in that type of situation? I know personally that group settings are very difficult for me to function in at this time, and I tend to be social, so maybe it was more than he could handle.
One thing I find is true is that everyone handles grief differently, and nobody really knows how they will handle it until it happens to them. But it is hard to come to terms with others not grieving in the same way when you feel you need more closure -- not sure this is making sense but I do understand where you are coming from. Wishing you peace.

Thanks....the parish must use lunches as a money maker. I almost ever go over $1.50 per person. I think the lasagna with ricotta, mozzarella, meat sauce and parmesan greed salad with balsamic vinigrette salad and garlic bread was about $1.70 per person. But for chicken salad, fruit salad and marinated veggie salad, I can usually do it for about $1.00 a head.

And not only does everyone grieve differently, but you grieve differently for different people.