You need to get a hold of someone who is equipped to help him and you. There are several organizations who can give some good advice and help. I would call someone in AA, The John Howard Society, The Mustard Seed Ministries, even your own church minister and social services. The Yellow Pages is a good place to start. If you cant find an organization listed, call the local police. They have a list of contacts you could try.

On a personal note, I have family members who have issues with alcohol and drugs. I have lived some of what you are going through right now.They are not welcome in my home. It took me awhile to quit feeling guilty for not helping them, giving them a place to stay or money to tide them over. I had to realize that it is their problem, not mine, and until they want to get clean and sober, there is not much you can do to help. Giving them a place to stay or money is just enabling them. I, personally, would not hesitate to ask this person to leave my home.

Good luck.

Well, things are resolved, for me anyway.

In the morning he (call him "T") was still dazed and mumbling that he was sick and needed to go to the hospital{{gwi:807}}. I called 911. The paramedics took him to the nearest hospital. I talked to a number of friends who are recovered alcoholics and/or had a lot of personal experience with alcoholics (often these are one and the same). On their advice I packed T's bag with his essentials - phone, tablet, medicine{{gwi:807}}, couple changes of clothes, shaver, etc - labeled it with his name, took it to the hospital, and gave it to the nurse. Told her T did not live with me and could not come back. I reached T's other ex partner, who told me T has been in and out of rehab, and hospitalized like this 20 times, over the past decade. After his last rehab stay he was staying with the ex partner and then got approved for a recovery program in a micro apartment, but for some reason choose to live with us instead. He says probably T will either get into rehab again or be discharged out to the street "again". Tomorrow he will come pick up the rest of T's clothes and things, which he stores for T, and the dog's owner will come get it. I sent T a text message that he won't be permitted back here. If he checks his phone he'll see it. If he shows up here, I won't let him back in.

One of the people I spoke to told me about a long term rehab program run by the Salvation Army in Portland - six month minimum stay, sometimes two years, work and faith based, very successful. It is for people who have burned every bridge - no friends, no family, no job, no money, no insurance{{gwi:807}}. I'm going to tell the ex partner about that. He still tries to look after T, even though they separated, and T drove their joint business into the ground, seven years ago. They have a son who lives with the ex partner. That boy is really how we know them, our sons have been good friends since first grade. I don't really know T that well, I guess he turned to us because he'd burned his other bridges, and we didn't know the full extent of his situation.

We spent today cleaning the kitchen, there were red wine splatters from floor to ceiling, every wall and cabinet had to be cleaned. Tomorrow I'll be steam cleaning all the carpets of wine and dog poop. It is kind of a mess - not trashed like a frat party, but I think he was only on a bender for two to three days. He didn't go for the wine in the rack in the kitchen, he went into the basement and took wine from a rack that was tucked away and where I wouldn't notice. Maybe ten bottles. I haven't really inventoried the loss, and it's not important, I would have brought them out for a nice dinner party{{gwi:807}} too. But I was kind of irritated to see empty bottles of '99 . . . that was probably $500 of wine at retail replacement cost{{gwi:807}}.

I'm not complaining. My problems are trivial. His are terrible. But now that I understand how terrible and long-standing they are, I've decided not to make them mine or my family's.

{{gwi:1444458}}

This post was edited by johnliu on Sun, Jan 4, 15 at 2:25

I am so sorry you are having to go through this John!! It is so unfortunate that dysfunctional people will behave beyond all reason. You just can't use the normal rules of kindness and good faith in humanity with them. They will take the thinnest thread of involvement you have with them and run it for miles of problems. They are often sane and charming, and outsiders wonder why you are behaving so "cold and heartless" towards them.

I am sorry, John, it is a tough decision to have to make, but you made the right one. Hopefully he will get straightened out, but remember, it is HIS problem. You extended him a home and kindness and HE abused it. You do not need to drag yourself and your family through the crap his issues bring.

God bless.

Darlene

You are a good man JohnLiu.

~Ann

Forgive me if I'm misreading the pronouns, but it sounds like this person is gay. If so, I'd see if you could point him at a gay positive mental health service. Often the sexuality issues and the alcoholism are intertwined, and they'll need someone who can help with both.

John, you did all you could and more. It's up to him to pull himself back together with the help of professionals who are equipped to give him the support he needs.

You're a good friend.

T had prescriptions for trazadone and gabapentin, which are antidepressants. I found them when I was packing his bag to take to the hospital. So he has a variety of issues, it seems.

I don't know what will happen to him. I expect he's been discharged from the hospital by now. I learned that he's been to this hospital before, and to most of the area hospitals, so they probably don't have too much remaining sympathy. His ex-partner will try to get him into another rehabilitation program. Until then he will likely be on his own for shelter. It isn't cold right now, I packed coats and sweaters in the bag I took to the hospital and he knows where the homeless shelters are. It is possible that T's ex partner (call him "C") will take him in, but C and I spoke today and that seems not likely. C has been trying to help T for almost a decade since they separated and is losing hope. Protecting their son is his first priority.

On the silver lining side, SWMBO is very pleased with me because I steam cleaned the entire first floor and we also got the wine stains out of the second floor carpet. That leaves the third floor for her to do tomorrow and dog poop is easier than red wine :-)

JohnLiu, you ARE a very good man.

You made the right decision, too, IMO. Giving someone a hand and helping when they are struggling is one thing, but enabling an alcoholic to continue the cycle of rehab and relapse is something else entirely.

I've had plenty of experience, having spent 30 years with my ex. Nothing like being married to an alcoholic who also owns the bar. (sigh) T will continue to relapse until he either hits bottom completely or finds the catalyst to change.

There are many social service agencies that will help. Hopefully T will find the strength to get sober and stay that way.

Annie

John, I just wanted to say I'm sorry your generous attempt to help turned out this way. I wish your gesture would have been more appreciated.

You have more kindness than I do. Your story made me think of my SIL who lives in your same city and has had her compassion and generosity backfire into her face more times than I can count. You both deserve much better, you deserve honesty at the very minimum.

I got an update from the ex partner "C". He told me that "T" spent a couple nights living on the street, now is in a detox program at Kaiser. I don't know how he got into Kaiser.

C has gotten T a place at the micro apartment halfway house place, for after he gets out of Kaiser. It is in downtown Portland, units are just 200 sq ft but they are private, there is some sort of supervision and support - I'm not sure about the details. I don't know if T still has his job, but I'd guess not. I'm not sure who is paying for the micro apartment or how long T can stay there.

Poor C says he is done with T now; but I'd guess he has said that before in the past decade. Loyalty, and concern for their son, keeps him trying to help. Over the weekend, when C wasn't answering T's calls, T went to C's house and tried to get/break in, until the neighbors called the police. That really upset C.

T used to live a pretty high life. They had a house in France and a big house in Portland. T always wore super fashionable clothes, had expensive tastes. Until recently he lived in a beautiful urban hip loft in downtown Portland. He's fallen a long way. I hope this was/is his rock bottom, but I'm not sure.

And to add to the good start to 2015, one of my dear older friends, a remarkable gentleman of 84 y/o, has pancreatic cancer.

He was diagnosed very late, just before Christmas. He and his wife delayed notifying friends until after the New Year, to avoid spoiling people's holidays. He's had chemo but it is useless, the cancer had already metastasized to his liver. SWMBO and I went to see them Monday night. He has deteriorated very quickly and is already bedridden, extremely thin, only eating cups of boullion, not receiving visitors. We sat with his wife and SWMBO is going over there during the days to be available for emergencies while the wife goes out for an hour or two to take care of stuff.

In Oregon we have the "Death With Dignity" law which allows a terminally ill patient, after a 15 day waiting period, to get a lethal pill to be self administered at a time of his choosing. They have started that process. I am skeptical he will survive 15 more days.

He has lived a long and excellent life, so his passing is not such a surprise or tragedy. His wife is 18 years younger, a lovely woman in good health (I think I've posted a dinner party picture with her, in the past) and he leaves her and his four children comfortably situated. He has done everything on this earth that a man should do, and I hope he can die without too much pain.

Wow. That is a heavy start to the year, but it sounds like your friend has lived a full and good life, leaves a good legacy and has time to take care of any loose ends. There is much to be grateful for. I hope he can be comfortable and at peace and that his family will have peace and comforting/inspiring memories.

Sounds like T has fallen a long way and is running out of threads to cling to. Like you, I hope he doesn't have to fall farther. You'd think a good start would make the fall mean more and make people want to rebound sooner, but that isn't always the case. It's not so much about the stuff in their lives as the stuff in their heart and/or mind that will determine that. I've been around a couple of people in difficult times for different reasons. I know it's hard to worry and to be powerless to make the changes that are needed most. I hope T can make the rebound stick this time. Hope your year and that of those around you will still prove to be rewarding and comforting. Your heart is in the right place. That is the best start of all.

Prayers for T to get it back together, and keep it that way.

Prayers for a painless, comfortable passing for your friend, and comforting prayers and sympathy for his family and for you.

Oh, John, I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I hope he can manage a dignified and painless end to this life, as he goes on to his next big adventure.

You and your family and his friends will be in my prayers.

Annie

" He has done everything on this earth that a man should do".

Tell him that if you can;
it'll mean a lot to him.

About your friend T:
I've had friends in similar situations twice, people who opened their homes to alcoholic friends, & both times it was disastrous *because the friend/host didn't get rid of the alcohol in the house*.

If your alcoholic friend is staying with you & you have alcohol in the house, that person is going to find it & drink it all.

They can't help it, they're well & truly hooked;
they aren't in charge any more.
The alcohol (or other drug) makes the decisions.

I'm so sorry things turned out the way they did,
& I hope you get to see your elderly friend.