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Humor Thread For 2012

Pooh Bear
12 years ago

Here is the new humor thread for 2012.

This thread will run until January, 2013.

Until then please post all jokes here.

Thanks to everyone who contributes.

The humor thread was started in September of 2002.

Comments (74)

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Permission to Golf

    On the phone with a golf buddy who has asked him to play, a guy says, "I am the master of my home and can play golf whenever I want. But hold on a minute while I find out if I want to."

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    How banks work:

    Q: What are banks for?
    A: To make money.

    Q: For the customers?
    A: For the banks.

    Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?
    A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.

    Q: Out of the customers?
    A: I suppose so.

    Q: They also mention Assets of $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?
    A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.

    Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?
    A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.

    Q: Then they haven't got it?
    A: No.

    Q: Then how is it Assets?
    A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

    Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?
    A: Yes, usually $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.

    Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?
    A: Because it isn't theirs.

    Q: Then why do they have it?
    A: It has been lent to them by customers.

    Q: You mean customers lend banks money?
    A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.

    Q: And what do the banks do with it?
    A: Lend it to other customers.

    Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?
    A: Yes.

    Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?
    A: You can't really say that.

    Q: But you've just said it! If I put $100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same $100 isn't it?
    A: Yes, but....

    Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all?
    A: Theoretically....

    Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??
    A: I told you. That is the money they have made.

    Q: How?
    A: Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him interest.

    Q: How much?
    A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five-and-a-half percent. That's their profit.

    Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?
    A: It's the theory of banking practice that....

    Q: When I lend them my $100 why don't I charge them interest?
    A: You do.

    Q: You don't say. How much?
    A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.

    Q: Grasping of me, rather?
    A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.

    Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!
    A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.

    Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?
    A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.

    Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?
    A: Certainly.

    Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?
    A: Then they'll let you have some other customer's money.

    Q: But suppose he wants his too... and they've already let me have it?
    A: You're being purposely obtuse.

    Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?
    A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.

    Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?
    A. YOU GOT IT!

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  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    If the TV Dinner Wasn't Invented Until the Computer Age

    The TV Dinner was invented in the 1950s, when the big tech thing in the home was the television. What if the TV Dinner wasn't invented until the computer age? Obviously, it would have to be a product of Microsoft.

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    If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

    \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//

    Then enter:

    ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\:/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

    (If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.)

    (If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.)

    Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:

    ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.

    This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

    Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.

    If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

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    Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner in Service Pack 2. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

    Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Bob walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was just coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building about to jump.

    The blonde looks at Bob and says, "Do you think he'll jump?"

    Bob says, "You know, I bet he will."

    The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

    Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob.

    "Fair is fair," she says. "Here's your money."

    Bob replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

    The blonde replies, "I saw that too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    My teenage niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."

    She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left!"

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    A guy walks into a bar and starts chatting with a tall, attractive blonde woman. During the course of the conversation he says would you like to hear a 'blonde' joke ?

    "Well", says the girl, "I'm obviously blonde, I'm 6 feet tall without heels and I've been training in judo for the past 5 years."

    Raising her voice slightly she went on, "My flatmate's blonde, she's 6 feet 2 inches tall, has been involved in karate for 10 years, she's a black belt and has been Southern Counties Ladies' Champion for the past 3 years.

    Lastly she added "My next door neighbor's blonde, she weighs over 200 pounds and is a professional womens' wrestler, do you still want to tell the joke about a blonde ?"

    "Well no" came the reply, "Not if I've got to explain it 3 times".

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Those are famous last words Minnie. Here's one on a different subject:
    Cell Phone Etiquette

    After a very busy day, Peggy settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Manhattan for the 'burbs.

    As the train rolled out of the station, one last passenger jumped on the train and got the last seat right next to Peggy.

    Naturally, he pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

    "Hi sweetheart, it's Eric! ... I'm on the train yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting ... No, honey, not with that floozie frrom the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life yes, I'm sure, cross my heart," etc., etc.

    It was nauseating. And no matter how much Peggy glared at him, cleared her throat, or otherwise tried to express her disapproval over his rudeness, he completely ignored her.

    Fifteen minutes later, she got an idea. She leaned in close to him and said in her most sensual, pouty voice aimed right at his phone:

    "Hey, Eric, sweetie! Turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!"

    Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off. She hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

    Bob's buddies at the club are all agog. They finally corner him alone and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

    "What do you mean, girlfriend?" Bob replies. "She's my wife!"

    They're knocked over, and press on.

    "How in the world did you persuade her to marry you?" they ask.

    "Well," he admits, "I lied about my age."

    "You cad!" one says, breaking the shocked silence.

    "What, did you tell her you were only 50 or something?" asked another.

    "No," Bob smiles. "I told her I was 90."

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Another Talking Dog

    A guy is driving around Newfoundland and he sees a sign in front of a house that says "Talking Dog For Sale."

    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

    "You talk"? he asks.

    "Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

    "So, what's your story"?

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told CSIS about my gift, and in no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

    "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    "Ten dollars," the man says.

    "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap"?

    "That ole dog's a danged liar. He never did any of that stuff."

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    The Army Cadet

    A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

    The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge. No sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army, I'd never stand in another line!"

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    A lawyer is on his deathbed. He calls his three associates in and says, "They say you can't take it with you, but I plan to. In each of these cases is a million dollars in cash. Just after they lower my casket I want you to each throw it in with me."

    The men are all silent.

    "I know I can trust you..." the dying man says.

    They all three give their solemn promise.

    The next week, leaving the funeral, one says to the other two, "I have to get this off my chest. I lost a lot in the market last year and I really needed the money. I took out half of the million dollars."

    The second lawyer says, "Oh, God, me too. After my divorce I've been struggling to catch up. I only threw in $250,000."

    The third attorney looks at the other two with a shocked expression. "I can't believe you two! I enclosed a check for the entire amount!"

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Kids Talk About Love

    What Is The Proper Age To Get Married?

    Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. (Judy, 8)

    Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife! (Tom, 5)

    What Do Most People Do On A Date?

    On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. (Mike, 10)

    When Is It OK To Kiss Someone?

    You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. (Jim, 10)

    Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. (Kally, 9)

    It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. (Kenny, 7)

    Concerning Why Love Happens Between Two Particular People

    No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. (Jan, 9)

    I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. (Harlen, 8)

    On What Falling In Love Is Like

    Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. (Roger, 9)

    If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long. (Leo, 7)

    On The Role Of Good Looks In Love

    If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. (Jeanne, 8)

    It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. (Gary, 7)

    Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. (Christine, 9)

    Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands

    They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. (Dave, 8)

    Confidential Opinions About Love

    I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television. (Anita, 6)

    Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. (Bobby, 8)

    I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. (Regina, 10)

    The Personal Qualities Necessary To Be A Good Lover

    One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. (Ava, 8)

    Some Surefire Ways To Make A Person Fall In Love With You

    Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. (Del, 6)

    Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. (Alonzo, 9)

    One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me. (Bart, 9)

    How Can You Tell If Two Adults Eating Dinner At A Restaurant Are In Love?

    Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love. (John, 9)

    Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food. (Brad, 8)

    It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire. (Christine, 9)

    What Most People Are Thinking When They Say I Love You

    The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day. (Michelle, 9)

    How A Person Learns To Kiss

    You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. (Doug, 7)

    It might help to watch soap operas all day. (Carin, 9)

    When Is It OK To Kiss Someone?

    It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it. (Jean, 10)

    How To Make Love Endure

    Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. (Tom, 7)

    Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love. (Roger, 8)

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Heard on the hillbily music station tonight

    "My wife and I have a 50/50 arrangement I tell her what to do and she tels me where to go"

    The preacher asked the congrgation. Does anyone know of a perfect man?

    Yes, came a voice fro the back
    "My wife's ex-husband"

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

    The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table until he was completely covered by the tablecloth.

    Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

    After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

    "Oh, but I'm not his wife," the woman said, still perfectly calm. "His wife just walked in the door."

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    A blonde was the sole passenger in a two-seater airplane when the pilot suddenly has a heart attack and dies.

    But she knew what to do: she had seen it in the movies! She grabs the radio microphone and calls out: "Mayday Mayday Mayday! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

    Immediately a calm, reassuring voice replies. "This is Air Traffic Control," he says, "and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine. Give me your height and position."

    She says, "I'm five-foot-four and I support Mitt Romney."

    There's a long pause.

    "O.K." says the voice on the radio, "I didn't realize you were blonde. Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven...."

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    At the Movies

    A man goes into a cinema with his dog to watch a film. It's a romantic comedy and when there's a funny seen the dog starts laughing. A little later on there's a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying.

    This goes on throughout the entire film, laughing and crying at all the right places. A man sitting a few rows back has witnessed the entire thing and decides to follow the man out.
    In the foyer, he approaches the dog owner and says, "That's truly amazing!"

    "It certainly is" The dog owner replied, "He hated the book!"

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Hollywood Squares Classics

    When a friend sent me these, he noted they "were collected from the original Hollywood Squares TV game show. These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now."

    I don't think there has been much change in the way 'Squares was run in later years. My understanding is the "Stars" are provided the questions beforehand -- and always have been. The difference may be that now the "stars" have writers helping them. In the good ol' days, the stars probably wrote their own come-backs.

    In any case, the lines are great.

    Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

    Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
    Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

    Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
    Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

    Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
    George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

    Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
    Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

    Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa [Gabor], does black look sexy on a woman?
    Redd Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way.

    Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
    Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies -- but I don't recommend the cookies!

    Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
    George Goebel: I'd probably crawl around him I guess.

    Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
    Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

    Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
    Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

    Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
    Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

    Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research, a wife should beware if another woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband's clothing. What item?
    Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind.

    Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
    Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

    Peter Marshall: True or false: a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
    George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

    Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
    Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.

    Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

    Peter Marshall: Can boys join the camp fire girls?
    Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Good one Bob

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Thanks Minnie. I used to watch that show just to see Rose Marie and Paul Lynde.They always made me laugh.

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    White House Tour

    A woman went on a tour of the White House.

    As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.

    "My, what was that"? exclaimed the woman.

    "Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.

  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I saw two dust bunnies making out.
    I said, "Get a broom."

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, having finally been allowed to go home after his fourth long tour in Afghanistan. Unfortunately, the only seat left was taken by the poodle of a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

    The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat!"

    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

    "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

    She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

    This time the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

    "Someone must defend my honor!" the woman shrieked. "This American should be put in his place!"

    "Sir," an English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, much to the relief of the woman. "You Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong *itch out of the window."

    No profanity allowed! I had to replace a b before I could post.

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Three Female Friends

    Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married, and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

    After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role-playing.

    The following week they met up again to compare notes.

    Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

    The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

    The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask."

    "Well?!," exclaimed the other two. "What happened?!"

    "When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Big John

    A new bus driver stopped at a bus stop, opened his door, and on stepped a huge hulk of a man: six feet eight, muscles everywhere, he announced to the driver, "Big John don't pay!" and sat down at the back.

    The driver was about five feet three, 120 pounds, so he didn't argue with Big John. The next day, the same thing happened: Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And on and on.

    The driver started losing sleep over how Big John was taking advantage of him, until he could take no more. He joined a gym, signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and worked out religiously. Within six months, he was strong; what's more, he was self-confident.

    The next Monday, Big John once again got on the bus and announced, "Big John don't pay!"

    This time the bus driver stood up, glared back at him, and said firmly, "And why not?"

    A surprised Big John replied, "Big John got bus pass!"

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from innocent to guilty of the charges."

    The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.

    Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started, I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all of the evidence against me."

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Headlines that should have been given a second thought:

    Deer Kill 130,000
    (Minneapolis Tribune, Dec. 7, 1967)

    Milk Drinkers Turn to Powder
    (Detroit Free Press, Nov. 12, 1974)

    Columnist Gets Urologist in Trouble With His Peers
    (Lewiston, Idaho, Morning Tribune, March 17, 1975)

    Pastor Aghast At First Lady Sex Position
    (Alamogordo, N.M., Daily News, Aug. 13, 1975)

    Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
    (Eugene, Ore., Register-Guard, Dec. 18, 1975)

    Caribbean Islands Drift To Left
    (Cleveland Plain Dealer, July 26, 1976)

    Dead Expected To Rise
    (Macon, Ga., News, Aug. 11, 1976)

    Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
    (Lethbridge Herald, Oct. 30, 1976)

    Police Kill Man With Ax
    (Charlotte Observer, Nov. 27, 1976)

    Albany Turns To Garbage
    (New York Daily News, Oct. 3, 1977)

    Farmer Bill Dies In House
    (Atlanta Constitution, April 13, 1978)

    Chester Morrill, 92, Was Fed Secretary
    (Washington Post, April 21, 1978)

    Crowds Rushing to See Pope Trample 6 to Death
    (Journal Star, Peoria, Ill., July 9, 1980)

    Despite Our Best Efforts, Black Employment Is Still Rising
    (The Evening Times, West Palm Beach, Fla., Oct. 3, 1980)

    Fried Chicken Cooked in Microwave Wins Trip
    (The Oregonian, July 8, 1981)

    Police Brutality Postponed
    (The Mishawaka, Ind., Enterprise, Oct. 1, 1981)

    Reader Is Upset Over Dog Eating Filipinos
    (The Wayne County Outlook, Monticello, Ky., Feb. 25, 1982)

    British Left Waffles On Falklands
    (Guardian, London, April 28, 1982)

    Here's How You Can Lick Doberman's Leg Sores
    (Reading Eagle, May 23, 1982)

    Eye Drops Off Shelves
    (Tri-City Herald, Pasco, Wash., Aug. 5, 1982)

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Those were funny

  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old
    Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
    In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
    Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image
    staring back at him.
    'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'
    He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
    way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
    the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go
    there and look at it.
    His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
    So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.
    As she looked into the glass, she fumed,
    'So that's the ugly wench he's running around with.'

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Bob was playing soccer with his local team.

    He got a breakaway and headed towards the goal. He missed an easy shot to tie the game, which meant the other team won.

    "I could kick myself." he groaned, as the players came off the field.

    "Don�t bother," said the captain, "you�d miss."

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Elementary school students explain campaigns and elections:

    Did you ever think what I used to think about candidates running neck-and-neck? Well it is not true.

    Universal suffrage means that even the illegible get to vote.

    Calling a person a runner-up is the polite way of saying they lost.

    What I learned about elections is that we aren't really getting to elect the president. It is some people in a college who get to. I have not decided what to do about it yet but I am not going to just sit around.

    It is possible to get the majority of electoral votes without getting the majority of popular votes. Anyone who can ever understand how this works gets to be president.

    Some of our presidents never did much else and are famous only because they became president.

    The more I think about trying to run for president the less I think of it.

    The president has the power to appoint and disappoint the members of his cabinet.

    Much has been said about balancing the budget. It has been found that the budget is more talkable than balanceable.

    The campaign is when the candidate tells what he stand for and the election is when the votes tell if they can stand for his being elected.

    In January, the president makes his Inaugural Address after he has been sworn at.

    Once he is elected, sometimes the president has to work 24 hours a day until he finds out what he is supposed to do.

    The nominees are usually called candidates or campaigners although I have heard them called other things.

    One of the strictest rules is all dark horses running for president must be people.

    Popular votes tell who is the most popular. Electoral votes tell who is the most elected.

    Noncommittal is to be able to talk and talk without saying anything.

    A dark horse is a candidate that the delegates don't know enough about to dislike yet.

    Political science is to try to figure out what makes candidates act that way.

    When they talk about the most promising presidential candidate, they mean the one who can think of the most things to promise.

    Elephants and donkeys never fought until politics came along.

    We are learning how to make our election results known quicker and quicker. It is our campaigns we are having trouble getting any shorter.

    One of the mainest rules of campaigning is you are not allowed to go on a whistle-stop tour without a train.

    Speaking of defeat, candidates are told never to.

    and...

    Campaigns give us a great deal of happiness by their finally ending.

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    The Talking Horse

    A man was driving through west Texas one evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and the engine died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.

    Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice: "It's your fuel pump."

    "Who said that?" the man called out.

    There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."

    Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flash light, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

    When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

    A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

    "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

    The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

    "Yes, it was!" the man said, finally happy someone understood. "Am I crazy?"

    "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know nothin' about cars."

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at every bite she took. Finally, she took a small piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.

    "Speak!" she said to the dog.

    The dog answered, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know what to say!"

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    heard on a local TV barn dance program
    A policeman stopped me on the highway and said "your eyes look glassy been drinking?"
    I answered "Your eyes look glazzy been eating doughnuts?"

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Learning to Fly

    A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.

    She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio. So, up the blonde went.

    She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly.

    She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly.

    At 3,000 feet, the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The instructor jumped into his Jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

    "What happened"? the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then"?

    "Well," began the blonde. "I got cold, so I turned off the ceiling fan."

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    A pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some. Without further ado, the chickens walk out.

    Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more. The chickens leave as before.

    About an hour later the two birds march back in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!'

    The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going. She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what's happening.

    She followed them out of the library, out of town, and into to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.

    She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was kept repeating, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Wow...

    Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
    Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
    "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
    At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
    The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

    The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

    A week later while they are eating breakfast and again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

    The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park---" and right then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

    With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Sweetie, why don't you just go ahead and leave it in the garage just this once?"

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    good one Bob I laughed out loud !!!

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Thanks Minnie. I don't like jokes that make fun of a class of people but blonde jokes can be funny. I got put in my place by my granddaughter who is blonde. I sent her a blonde joke and she asked "am I supposed to laugh at that?" So I'll switch to another joke about a class of people (lawyers):

    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of $25 million.

    His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place -- it was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing money, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 25 million is that he embezzled from me."

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

    Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and quietly says, "Ask him again."

    The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

    Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried two feet from the east wall behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

    "Well, sir," the lawyer replies, "he says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.

    That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil"?

    "No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye"?

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I found someone that I'm completely in agreement with:

    Not funny really but sad.

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I agree BOB

  • minnie_tx
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

    As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


    A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like, "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
    The little girl was wide-eyed, taking it all in.
    At last, she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

    Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

    Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    A woman in a supermarket was following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

    It was obvious to her that he had his hands full with the child � he was screaming for candy, cookies, pop and everything else he shouldn't have.

    Meanwhile, granddad is working his way around the store, saying in a controlled voice, "Steady, William: we won't be long. Easy, boy."

    At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, William: Relax, buddy! Don't get upset! We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

    Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

    "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. That little basxxxx's name is Kevin."

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Christmas and Hanukkah to Merge

    Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1,300 years.

    While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, spokesman say, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

    Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

    Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts.

    One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

    A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful".

  • bob414
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Bad News from Santa Claus

    To Whom it May Concern:

    Mrs. Claus and I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to service the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

    As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

    However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us, including:

    1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson."

    2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and peanut patty (or a Moon Pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

    3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

    4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."

    5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves reply, "I her'd dat!"

    6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off!"

    7. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

    8. Bubba Claus refuses to wear the standard issue Santa cap because he says it makes him look like a girly-boy. He has been granted permission to wear a white Stetson with a red band instead, as well as black cowboy boots.

    Sincerely Yours,

    Santa Claus
    (Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    There was a bit of confusion at Bass Pro this morning.
    When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

    Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

    When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

    I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
    They need to make their instructions a little clearer!

  • Pooh Bear
    Original Author
    11 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago