The humor thread was started in September of 2002.

They finally agreed to let an independent arbitrator make the decision. The arbitrator decided to call in some outside help. He filled one vial with Coors and labeled it with a "C". He filled another vial with Bud and labeled it "B". He then sent both vials to the FDA with a note requesting they analyse the contents of both vials and make any comparative or qualitative comments they felt appropriate. No further mention was made to the FDA about what was in the vials or why they were being sent.

After about a month, the FDA sent a letter back to the arbitrator with this message:

We recommend you do NOT work either horse for at least a month.

My resolution last year was to keep a journal -- and I did it! I kept it up the whole year. I thought you'd like to see the entries.

January: Had to take my Christmas scarf back to store -- it was way too tight!

February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. I really tried, but those bottles wouldn't fit in the typewriter!

March: Exciting success! I finished the jigsaw puzzle I got for Christmas after only three-and-a-half months -- even the box said "2-4 years"!

April: Missed the deadline for filing income tax due to being trapped on escalator for several hours on my way to the post office (the power went out!)

May: Tried to make Kool-Aid, but the instructions were wrong -- 8 cups of water simply does not fit into those little packets!

June: Tried to go water skiing, but I couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July: Lost breast-stroke swimming competition. Learned later the other swimmers cheated: they used their arms!

August: Got locked out of my car in huge rain storm. Car interior ruined because convertible top was down.

September: Missed getting on "Jeopardy" because I missed the first test question. I was surethe capital of California is "C"!

October: Realized I hate M&M's -- they are too hard to peel.

November: Thanksgiving turkey ruined, even though I followed the directions perfectly (instructions said 1 hour per pound, and I weigh 118. I know you have to prepare big dinners in advance, but 5 days is ridiculous!)

December: Fell off step stool while decorating Christmas tree, but couldn't call 911 -- there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!

All in all, 2008 was a terrible year. I sure hope 2009 is better.

Just a few seats down from him, there is a very buxom blonde with huge size 44DD breasts.

The guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off the blonde.

Each time he calls for a beer this happens. So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hits her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts...AND SHE DECKS HIM!!!.

He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning, "Jeez...then why do you let the bartender do it?"

Because," says the blonde, "he has a licker license!"

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take
advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem
youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a
recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem
were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds
without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing
crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars
worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by
Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost
in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he
bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was
the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under
6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the
paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to
Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and
some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

Most Old Guys are helpful like that.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float in. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket
Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, The GUNS, and the DOG...?

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then conti nues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by Illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $860.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. . .doing fine.

However, the politician was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own
few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled."

The shocked crowd murmered their disapproval of the miscreant among them.

"But," the old priest continued, "as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," he told the crowd, still at sharp attention after the priest's words. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession...."

The Moral: Never, ever be late when you're on the program.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his blonde mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price
for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie
sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down
payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super
Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department &
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting
woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had
no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could
even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

Eleven people were hanging on a rope
under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping . . . . .

The war-weary Marine asked,
'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again,
but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude,
you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word;
he just picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!
Put this American in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir,
you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing
the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now,sir, you seem to have thrown the
wrong b1tch out the window.

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while sleeping peacefully, like my grandfather,
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipp1es are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'

SPANISH Words of the Day

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's no mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she done know how to read, so
I shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to da store but July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my Maria rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my Maria, but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but done't worry, wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My Maria plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My Maria caught me in bed with another woomen and I told her, "Caramia,
harassment nothing to me!"

12. *Bishop*
My girl frien fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so Hugly?

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and
has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,
then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't
reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months
from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down
and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He
was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person
who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly
raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful
it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to
pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed
to the three handsomest men in the building and said,

"I'll take him, and him, and him."

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees..
This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find
out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
And because of client confidentiality, you are sworn to secrecy, and can't tell anyone.

SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT.....

LOL LOL

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he
approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and
don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic
and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
'So, Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol..'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir'
says Murphy.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the
third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she
tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties
and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:

'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'
'Tunderin' Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."

"I have an extra in my trunk you can borrow".

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
and if it were not for the ropes tied to the ground you may well been anywhere.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"

Pooh Bear

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

The cabbie says "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "Yeah. But there are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie says "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano." The passenger replies "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cab driver responds "There's more... he had a mind like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." Passenger: "Wow, some incredible guy"

The cabbie goes "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them." "Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. And he's never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow..."

Washington, DC - (Dateline February 26, 2009)
President Barack Obama and the Democrat controlled Congress are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer - Democrat. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi – Democrat, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid – Democrat - pointed to the success of the U..S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement warehouse stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).
Under AWNAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"
"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,"said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan , due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey."This new law should be real good for people like me," Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Dick Durbin (Democrat-IL), "As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."

A flea-bitten dog and a bored visitor?

One's going to itch; the other's itching to go!

Excellent Pooh!!

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of
the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll
just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes
for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't
you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the
same young woman standing waist-deep in the murky water, shotgun in
hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator
swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde
takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto
its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP !
THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

"To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

He takes the photo, and nods.

"I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer had fallen on hard times and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

"Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll
try to send her a few bucks myself."

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you". The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same ...
2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe : "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K., but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS"

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church in
South Philly they have a weekly husband's only
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest
asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding
anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight
into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman
all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands,
"Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nizza, spenda
money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to Italy
for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded "Luigi, you
are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please
tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th
Anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me..'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , West Virginia ....and Washington DC .

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow'

Never try & Out do a Woman!!!

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in.

Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"What? You coming empty handed"?

"I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and both order a beer. Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again and the bartender asks, "The usual?"

"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man.

"Same for me," says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20," says the bartender.

Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic, and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir; what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale, reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands,
the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper too,
and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny apiece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy
you're talking about.."

********************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."

"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.

"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."

"Oh!" said the woman, sliding down the bench to be closer to him, "So you're single...?"

********************************
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers, he was a widower and she a widow,
had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community
supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse. The two were at the same table, seated
across from one another. As the meal progressed, he took a few admiring glances
at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes.. Yes, I will!"

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their
respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he
didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me,
did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my
heart." Then she continued, "And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember
who had asked me."

********************************
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

******************************
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to his doctor in Estero to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young
woman on his arm.
After a couple of days, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great,
aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful'," Morris replied.

To which the doctor replied, "I didn't say that, Morris. I sa id, 'You've got a heart murmur,
be careful!'"

********************************
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper,' an ice cream parlor in Naples ,
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered
a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, " Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "hemorrhoids."

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells,
"QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Noted in the book The Element:

- - -

Nowadays, being British means...

Driving home in a German car,

but stopping off to pick up some Belgian beer,

and a Turkish kebab or an Indian takeaway,

to spend the evening on Swedish furniture,

watching American programs,

on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of anything foreign.

A tom cat and a tabby were courting on a back fence one night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I’d die for you!"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"
........................................................................
Under the Bed

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone being under my bed at night.
So, one day I went to a psychologist and told him.

"I've got problems, doc. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said he."Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears.."

"How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit", replied the
doctor. "I'll sleep on it." I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! Heck, a bartender cured me for $10." I was so happy to have saved
all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said,
"and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

She commented, "I don’t think that’s going to help."

"Sure it will." he said. "It’s the only way I can see the numbers."
.........................................................................
A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it’s me."

"It’s really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"When did you learn to speak English?"
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"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
~Fred Allen

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can retire to California where
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can retire to New York City where
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (ed note: if you have a car)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can retire to Maine where
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can retire to the Deep South where
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

You can retire to Colorado where
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can retire to the Midwest where
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can retire to Florida where
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

The elephant then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.

When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.

"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.

"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"

"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant."

"I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweler, "he had a stocking pulled over his head."
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German scientists dug 50 meters down in the underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

The Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass. They soon announced that 35,000 years ago, the ancient Russians already had a nationwide fiber net.

American scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters down in the underground, but found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

"Okay," the sheriff began, "Todd, what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," he replied.

The sheriff thought, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter T?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Todd had supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, Todd, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Todd looked a little surprised, thought really hard for a minute, and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So Todd wandered over to the barbershop, where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

Todd was exultant: "It went great! First day on the job, and I'm already working on a murder case!"
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For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions:
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being—a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement.
Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"

"Can we make a quick stop?" He asked.

"Sure," I replied, "what did you need to do?"

"I need to stop by the auto parts place to get a longer dipstick."

"What do you need a longer one for?" I inquired.

"Because the one I got isn't long enough to reach the oil!"
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Southern California."

Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel south and set up in a vacant lot. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.

This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up—he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"

Glenn catches his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me... what the heck is a piñata?"

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY - How about You?

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

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A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem."

With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there with the dogs."

"Just follow my lead." They walked to the restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman Pinscher put on a pair of dark glasses and walked in. A waiter said, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

"A Doberman Pinscher?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The waiter said, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The waiter said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

"A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua asked, astonished. "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
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A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can’t do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ‘here lies an honest lawyer."

"But that won’t let people know who it is," protested the lawyer.

"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That’s Strange!"

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -- fifty-thousand dollars!!!

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." So, she put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Increase Your Word Power

Learn a new word each day; it will help you to communicate better. This
in
turn will increase your job pay...maybe even get you a promotion!

Arbitrator (ar'-bi-tray-ter): A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
McDonald's.
Avoidable (uh-voy'-duh-buhl): What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney (buh-lo'-nee): Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette (burn'-a-det): The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize (bur'-gler-ize): What a crook sees with.
Control (kon-trol'): A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters (kown-ter-fit-ers): Workers who put together kitchen
cabinets.
Eclipse (i-klips'): what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper (i'-drop-ur): a clumsy ophthalmologist. !
Heroes (hee'-rhos): what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank (left' bangk)': what the robber did when his bag was full of
loot.
Misty (mis'-tee): How golfers create divots.
Paradox (par'-u-doks): two physicians.
Parasites (par'-uh-sites): what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist (farm'-uh-sist): help on the farm.
Polarize (po'-lur-ize): what penguins see with.
Primate (pri'-mat): removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief(ree-leef'): what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck (rub'-er-nek): what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress (seem'-stres): describes 200 pounds in a size two.
Selfish (sel'-fish): what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued (sub-dood'): a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
Sudafed (sood'-a-fed): brought litigation against a government official.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

And sure enough, it has starting going around, forwarded by gullible friends who "mean well".

Usually, it says it's a warning from the Health Department.

Or the Centers for Disease Control.

The warning:

Don't eat canned pork, because...

(yep!)

you might get H1N1 -- Swine Flu.

But it's not true. A total lie.

That's right...

...it's just Spam.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. These are claimed to be actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
An airline pilot wrote that on a particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off the plane except this little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, ma'am. What is it?"

"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

He goes up to one of the guys and says, "I want to join the Mafia."

The guy answers, "You ever kill any one for money?"

"No." Artie answers.

The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money."

So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"

"I'm not gonna pay you." the guy says.

Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."

The guy says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."

"Oh thank you, thank you!" Artie replies and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death. The bag boy sees it, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"

Keith called his golfing partner to withdraw from their Tuesday night golf league.

His partner inquired why after many years would he resign.

"My wife and I are taking Russian lessons. The only available evening for both of us is Tuesday," Keith told him.

"Does this have anything to do with the little Russian baby you both have just adopted?" replied his partner.

"Yes it most certainly does," Keith replied, "We want to do everything right for this child and afford it every opportunity. So we're learning to speak Russian so when the child starts to talk we will understand what it says."
.............................
Roll Over, Beethoven

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

He always chose the nickel, "because it's bigger."

One day, a friend took him aside and asked, "Don't you know that a dime's worth more than a nickel?"

Timmy answered, "Yeah, but if I picked the dime they'd stop doing it!"

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.

They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around again before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"

"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."

"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter...

"I've brought you the Peking Duck."

He felt he had to do something so he saw a Psychologist who after listening to the story told him what he had was very common..."What you have is carpool tunnel syndrome..."
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In the mountain backwoods you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol' Zeke decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He took it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, got ready to take flight. He took off running and reached the edge—into the wind he went!
Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Abner were sittin' on the porch swing, talkin 'bout the good ol' days, when maw spotted the biggest bird she had ever seen.
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaimed.
Paw stood up, "Git my gun, Maw."
Maw ran into the house and brought out his pump action shotgun. He took careful aim. BANG...BANG...BANG...BANG! The monster-size bird continued to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she said.
"Yeah," he replied, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeke!"

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

The blonde answers, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn , nailing down house siding, wouldreach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Lynn explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."


Judy got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."

"Wow!", said the blonde, "That's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied..... ..."Two popsicles and some coffee."

+++++++++++++

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

A fisherman is returning home with several large fish in his creel. A guy comes along and asks, "You been fishing?"

"Uh, yeah."

"What bait you using?"

"Chewin' tobacco."

"How'd you use chewin' tobacco as bait?"

"I put the tobacco on the hook and drop the hook in the water. The fish nibble on the bait and when they come up to spit, I hit 'em on the head with my rod."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Bee Sting

"Please doctor, you've got to help me! I've been stung by a bee."

"Don't worry, I'll put some cream on it."

"You'll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"You don't understand. I'll put some cream on the place where you were stung."

"Under a tree in my garden."

"I mean on the part of your body where you were stung."

"It was my finger. The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

"Which one?"

"How should I know? All bees look the same to me."

"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

"Easy", replies the guide. "The archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms, all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.

"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.

"Oh, no," the man said. "He doesn't need one. I always do the driving."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we," my husband confidently declared.

One November night, the temperature plunged to below zero and we woke up to find our interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

**********************************

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.

One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.

Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises....

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

The first pastor said, "You know, since summer started, I've been
having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything----noise,
cats, spray, --nothing seems to scare them away."

The second pastor said, "Yeah, my church too. There are hundreds of
them living in the church basement. I've set traps and even called in
an expert exterminator. Nothing has worked so far."

The third pastor said, "I've had the same problem. So I baptized all
mine and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one of them
since."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God.
He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a huge 250-pound rugby player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.
The rugby player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"

Slightly jealous of the politician, I turned to my wife and said, "It's unfair that the biggest jerks in the world catch the most beautiful wives."

My wife smiled and replied, "Why, thank you dear."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dennis was down at the local police station wanting to talk to the burglar who'd broken in his house the night before.
The desk sergeant was adamant. "No. You'll get your chance in court, sir."
"No, no, you don't understand," Dennis said. "I want to know how the hell he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"