If you can afford it I would replace the carpet. If you can't, they may not come to visit. My sis has 12 dogs in her house and it stinks of dog smell, not urine. She is replacing and painting, but it will just happen again. I don't go over there any more.

Nothing against you, but I personally think all carpets are dirt traps and are never completely clean. I'd rip them out...but that's just me and my OCD. I'd get a professional carpet cleaner's opinion (call a few different ones) as to whether or not their service can effectively remove nicotine from the rug & whatever's underneath it & make it safe enough for a baby to spend time on.

15-20 year old carpets are nasty. Reading between the lines, Dr. Granny has drawn the line: "Get rid of the old carpet". So you can either do that now and get it over with and enjoy your new grandchild, or you can let it eat you up and cause family trouble. Your choice.

I'm another one who believes that carpeting is a dirt trap, and can never be clean. So are drapes.

So I would look at alternatives to carpet when you go shopping. Hardwood, laminate, vinyl, all can look wonderful. Check out the Home Decorating Forum for ideas.

Add me to the list of hardwood/laminate lovers. I grew up in houses that had carpeting and we had dogs(my Dad also smoked), the carpet always stunk and got dirty fast. The house I live in now has hardwood floors and they are easy to keep clean, I will never go back to carpet.

Keep your family happy by getting rid of the old carpet.

This is known as "third-hand" smoke. These are the particles that remain in the carpet. Plus, babies and kids spend a lot of time on the floor, so they are more exposed than adults. You really do need to rip out the carpet.

Here is a link that might be useful: American Academy of Pediatrics on Third-Hand Smoke

Third hand smoke from heavy smoking husband killed my MIL. Cant imagine how it would affect a tiny baby. It is real, carpet needs replacing if you want to see grand baby. Nice of you to be concerned and giving serious thought to the matter.

Congratulations on being non-smokers now!

In order to remove smoke residue from walls, you need to "seal" the wall and then paint. Otherwise the smoke residue will seep through the paint.

Carpets are saturated with smoke residue all the way down through carpet padding. Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning will never pull the smoke residue out of the carpet and padding. (A smoker's bedsheets are stained and smell regardless of multiple washings).

I too enjoy carpet on the floors and do know dirt also sifts down through the carpet and onto the padding. When we replaced 10 year old carpet there was a layer of dirt/sand on top of the padding. Our children went barefoot most of the time but they tracked in a lot of sand. We are non-smokers and our house is cleaned on regular basis.

Carpets absorb household odors too, they keep building up until the house has an odor when you first walk in. You get use to your own odor in a house but others will be met with an unpleasant odor. Others probably can still smell smoke in your house even though you do not smell it now.

When you replace the carpets, it would be wise to seal the sub-flooring or concrete in order to prevent smoke residue from seeping back up into new carpet.

This sounds like a huge project, well worth it for your own sakes as well as your grandchildren.

P.S you can seal the paneling in your house to keep smoke residue from being emitted into the house. The paneling also absorbed residue over time and it will keep seeping out.

So glad I never took up smoking, causes too many problems and loads of work later on as you are finding out!!

Enjoy your future grandchildren, they are well worth all your efforts.

Many new mothers do not make a fuss about grandparents house, they just do not take their children to visit leaving grandparents wondering why they do not come.

Krissie
Mother of 5
Grandmother of 9

It sounds to me a bit like you are feeling a little insecure about your place in the family. Don't be. Drs. are regular people too. Most Drs. these days are aware that exposure to regular daily life "dirt" like pets and garden soil are actually good for babies and children -- strengthens their immune system.

But you will be doing everyone a favor if you get new carpet (assuming that you have the $$ to do so). Smoke residue lingers amazingly well. It has nothing to do with your general cleanliness. Dr. Granny was being honest with you. Now that you have scrubbed everything (good job!) (including the ceilings and how about heating vents?) you probably do need to apply some kind of sealing primer before you repaint. I hope that you can do something with the paneling, like paint or put a coat of poly on.

I am one of the rare folks who has a true tobacco allergy (I will actually get a rash!). My in-laws (who never quit smoking) never believed it and always chose to see my avoidance of their home as a personal insult. Really, it wasn't; I just physically couldn't tolerate the smoke residue. Lots of people find that 3rd hand smoke will give them headaches, even migraines, nausea, etc. Like someone else said, you likely don't smell it anymore but maybe others can.

Just do the best you can, it will all work out okay if you keep a positive frame of mind!

Sounds like your mind is made up. In the future, you'll be visiting the baby somewhere other than your own home.

I think cell phone are killers. I carried mine in my pocket as a life line in case i need help for 3 /12 years. Then I had cancer in kidney under the cell. I had a warning of sorts, I set my phone to ring and vibrate. It vibrated in my pocket even when it was NOT in my pocket. Read the safety section in your phone manual. I don't worry about microwaves because they are a very small part of your life. We don't carry those on us. I wish every time someone died of cancer they would have the person or family fill out a survey on smoking, carrying cells etc.. Wouldn't do any good though they would just cover it up.

So, to summarize: You asked whether it was reasonable that your DIL/Dr.Granny (not clear from your post whether it was just Dr. Granny or the both of them) requested you to remove your 20 year old smoked-in carpet before they'd let the baby come for a visit. This board unanimously stated that removing the carpet is the right thing to do. So, you got an answer, but it wasn't the one you wanted, so you've decided to ignore it. I suggest you think about this more carefully.

This isn't a doctor vs. farmer thing or a rich vs. poor thing and it's especially not a CLEAN vs. DIRTY thing. It doesn't sound like anyone thinks your home is dirty; in fact it sounds perfectly cared for and charming. It is about protecting a baby from a perceived threat of chemicals from smoke. It is about pacifying an overly nervous (I suspect) first time mother who has made a request of you that would give her a level of comfort for her baby's safety in your home. Surely you must understand that, even if you don't agree. Part of the grandparent - son/daughter - grand baby dance is both sides compromising for the sake of family harmony. I'd hate to see you deprive yourself and your wife of time with the kids and grandkids over a relatively minor and reasonable request, even if you don't agree it's necessary. My mother doesn't think seat belts are necessary but uses one anyway because I asked her to. Families make these concessions all the time.

You have some what side-stepped the question of whether you can afford to make this change or just don't want to. If you truly can't afford to replace the carpet, that is totally understandable and answers the question for you. By asking for an opinion here, I am assuming that you have resources to replace the carpet and just don't believe you should have to.

If you are restricted by finances, there are still some things you could do that would cost much less than replacing all of the carpet in your home. You could still look into the option of using a product such as Kilz that will seal in the smell and chemicals from your walls and wood paneling. In fact, on the Kilz website, I just saw that they have a whole section dedicated to treating wood paneling. Since you live in a vintage farmhouse, there may already be wood floors under your carpeting that would only need to be refinished to be beautiful. You could then purchase a nice, new area rug to provide the soft feel you enjoy and for the new grand kid to knock around on. You could purchase an air filtering device with an ionizer that may help kill some of the smoke bacteria still in the air. Point is, there may be a lot of options available to you if you have an open mind and truly want to make some sort of concession to see your grand baby. As the old saying goes, don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Keep peace in the family .

Dr and DIL do not like carpet.As stated they are hardwood floor people.DIL has alergies.I like carpet I hate the sound of a hollow sounding house because of hardwood flooring.We live next to a rail road and if we had hardwood floor we would get more train vibration rumble.

Could I afford carpet.Well I could not walk in and pay $6000.00 cash at this time no.Could I borrow money or use a credit card.Yes but im not thinking that is a good idea.If I replaced the carpet I certainly would not throw it away.As stated it looks like new.Some would be willing to put it in there home they would be lined up for it.More then likley someone with a family who could not afford new carpet and with kids.

I feel Dr and DIL think our home needs remodeled.Out of style out dated.Thats not a reason to do it.I like the paneling and there is no way smoke entered the slate backing with a smooth wood look venere.There dry wall people im not that is why the paneling was put up in the early 80's.If style changed that is not a reason to replace it.Perhaps for many or most.But not for this out of style Grand Pa.

There probably going to say.When the baby becomes older it can not ride on the tractor or combine also to much dirt .When it learns to ride a bike it will probably have to have on one of those stupid looking brain buckets.

What gripes me is those dogs.Im afraid of the baby being mauled.These dogs are over protected also.They only eat home made dog food.Because they claim store bought is not healthy.Thats just an example of who I am dealing with here.They have had 2 dogs for years.One died and they replaced it and then a month later she was pregnant.Not a woops baby they were trying.So these dogs are not going anyplace.My DIL vehical is a pig stye because of these Mutts.My grand baby will be riding in this dog pen on wheels.That vehical is only 6 months old.So is certainly will not be replaced and no luck of the Mutts dieing of old age.

They also have an above ground swimming pool with a deck right off from there back yard.Walk out the sliding door and walk right off into the pool.That scares me sick for the future .Plus there neighbors right in back of them have 2 mean Rot Wieliers.That try to rip the fence down that needs replaced every time there dogs go out side or any people.I told them that fence needs replaced.With a taller chain link fence.There answer is to expensive they want $6000.00 to replace.Yet im suppose to gut my house and start over.

I think I will tell them.Get rid of the dogs and the swimming pool and replace the fence.Then I will consider upgrading my house.

I don't blame you, it's your home and if you feel that strongly keep it the way you want it. Don't let this go on, tell them to back off.

I am so sick and tired of critical people mainly my sister. Just went a round with her, the last round. I blocked her email and will return any snail mail. Losing family can be heartbreaking, but sadly there comes a time when enough is enough.

Thank you for the additional information, it was helpful to fully understand your situation. You should not have to borrow money or use a credit card to accomplish DrG and DIL's demands. Funny how her allergies don't flare up by dogs/dust/dander, but do at your house.

I'm sorry your family expects you to bring yourself to their standard of living. That is unreasonable and not anything you have to do.

I still suggest, as I did in my previous post, that you try to reach a compromise. Maybe getting a thick rug to place on top of your carpet for the baby to play on? I don't know, but I'd suggest you open up a dialogue with your son. Explain to him despite what Dr.G believes, you do not have the $$ for the repairs they are expecting you to make. Ask him for suggestions that don't require a full gut of your home that would allow your grand baby to come visit. Maybe when your son sees it framed that way, he will understand how unreasonable his wife's demand has been.

Don't get into a game of tit-for-tat about who has dangerous conditions around their home. That will only feed into DrG and DIL's opinion of you. Just be frank - via your son - that you can't afford the requested changes and would like his help in making sure the baby gets to spend time with you on the farm.

First off -- congrats on quitting smoking. That is a wonderful accomplishment.

My, they are certainly making you jump through hoops! That child, in its lifetime, will be exposed to much worse than your house where you smoked many years ago.

That said -- when my child was a baby -- we would visit my father in law who lived alone. He had very old shag carpet. I hated putting my baby down on that carpet (which is what you do when they are around 5-6 months old and learning to roll over). I always put a sheet down, but she would eventually roll off the sheet. Also, once she learned to crawl, there was no keeping her on there.

20 year old carpet, shampooed or not, is past its prime. As for the dog hair, no one every died or got sick from a little dog hair.

In the end, they can bring a pack and play or play pen over if your carpet is just too gross for them.

Again, sorry you have to jump through these hoops. Even worse, is that your son doesn't stick up for you.

After re-reading the post by Johndeere, Fri. Jan 30, I realize he quit smoking only 6-months ago.

We are not talking about many years ago residue in carpets, etc. it is also recent smoke/residue.

So many times smokers will go back to smoking a while after quitting.

It is too soon to know whether extra expense of removing smoke contaminated carpet, etc. would be a waste of money, if he started smoking again.

I hope for his own sake he remains smoke free because damage from smoke usually shows up in later years. The lungs are usually black from past smoking and at some time will have lung problems, usually COPD and/or lung cancer.

As far as his son being raised in a smoke laden home, it is too early to know whether he will have second hand smoke damage along with COPD or lung cancer in his later years.

I was raised on the farm and know the farmers way of thinking. We don't think the same as city folks that never experienced country living.

Well, not to pile on guilt, but I've never smoked a day in my life, but I have COPD. My mother was a heavy smoker, and my grandfather would often have two cigarettes lit.
Second hand smoke is no joke...my mother died of first hand, and I'm likely to die of complications of second hand.

If I had a child, it would never go in the house of a smoker.

There's a good chance that everyone else involved is saying, behind John's back, how badly that house stinks. Even his son, who is telling his wife and MIL that he can't face the old man.

There is more to this story, I'm sure.

I have mixed emotions about this thread. The OP has a right to live like he wants, but If it smells, I would get a part time job and save for new carpets. Carpets are the one thing that cannot be repaired, most things can be repaired or painted. We had rental and one was in a low income area. The first thing I did when I married my husband was rip out the carpet and replace it with garage sale carpet that did not smell. It was a duplex and we had 2 more houses that we rented. None smelled.

Are there hard wood floors under the carpet by any chance? I would remove carpet from the living room and any hallways and refinish the hard wood flooring and put in an area rug in the living room. That shouldn't be a complete budget buster. You could probably collect scrap metal around your place and get enough cash from it to pay for the up-grades.

If they will be staying in one of the bedrooms, I would do the same in that one room. As you get the cash together, you can finish the project in other rooms.

People with serious allergies have to take care of their health the best way they can in this toxic environment. I'd also stop using perfumed fabric softener (or better yet any at all) because that's just another toxin in the environment, as well as harsh chemical cleaners.

I'd also get a good quality air cleaner and start using it now in every room of the house to improve the air quality.

And by-the-way, these changes are good for you and your wife because you live there. The only thing worse than old carpet is new carpet.

-Grainlady

I too have mixed emotions about the situation, but think you will probably need to comply with their expectations and get rid of the carpeting.

Do you know what the flooring is like under the carpeting? If it isn't something that could be refinished at a reasonable cost, what about painting it, and then having a piece of carpeting bound for the living area, and rug runners elsewhere?

Check out Bob Villa's site about Painting plywood floors, or Painting wood floors.

If you start off on the right foot, being the best grandparents you can be, I feel certain that you will have many years of enjoyment on the farm. I have wonderful happy memories of time spent with my grandparents on their farm.

Best of luck to you.

Thanks for the help.But im not changing my life style and going to hard wood flooring.Why Because I hate it.To me thats going back 100 years.There is nothing wrong with this carpet.

Children survived in smoking houses for years.They should be glad I stoped smoking.Kids use to ride bikes without brain buckets.They use to drink water from a garden hose.They use to go bare feet in the cattle lot.

All this really boils down too.Is my house is not in style.Not good enough.I have slept on it and thats the way its going to be.Would be different if my house was a pig stiye.My son and DIL are not the ones that suggested I rip it out.Its the PITA Dr G.She is a Busy Body and the only reason she came up with the ridiculous non sense.Is because she spent Thanksgiving at our house.That is the only time she has ever been here and certainly will be the last.

Opinions are like eye balls every body has them.She is a wealthy old Bat who made her fortune ripping off the health insurace companies and the public.My son and even my DIL say she is way out there.Its not like the Grand Baby is going to live here.I know we will be watching the baby from time to time.Dr G will not.Because she is a self centered cold person who did not even raise her own kids.She had a nanny and was never around.To busy barking orders to her patience and counting her money.

I stoped smoking and doing my best to look out for the baby.But replacing carpet that looks like new and was top of the line in its day.Dr G can go soak her head.She is not going to be happy anyway.Because im going to teach this child common sence and thats something she lacks.

My sister is a germaphobe except when it comes to flooring. She moved into our parents' house (both smokers) after they died (both from lung cancer, but I digress) and she kept the carpet. Obviously, by the time her granddaughter came along, the carpet had been cleaned but it was still a 30 year old carpet. She would put an old sheet on the floor and have the baby sit on that. That may be something you want to consider when your granddaughter comes over.

It's about your grand baby, forget the DrG
Do you really want your grand baby to crawl on your old carpet?
You have taken your shoes off but has everyone else? What about the
Barnyard stuff and the chemicals that have come in on your clothes
Over the years. We all know babies pick up whatever and put it in their
Mouths.
I am glad your son is so healthy. I hope he has a very healthy life.
My husband grew up in a house with two heavy smokers.3yrs and 2mo ago
He was diagnosed with diabetes. No hist of diabetes in his family. Now he is a very ill man and is going blind. I have read and heard (4 different places)
That smoking can cause diabetes. His siblings are having health problems
Too.
Forget the DrG and focus on the grand baby.
Jo

It has not been very long that public places have not been smoke free.Resturants Bars I can even remember when my son was in grade school they had a smoking room.Right off from the cafeteria.

Back when I was a kid eveyone smoked it seemed like.I know many people who were subjected to second hand smoke.There all still here.

I came to this sight to get thoughts about cleaning.To tell the story of rediculous Dr G I had know idea it would turn into a smoking debate and a Carpet is bad get hardwood floors.

Even though I quit smoking.It was more because smokers are considered second class citizens.Then all the health risks.Because smoking is blamed for every thing.These idiots that are paid big money to run these studies are just that IDIOTS.They need to find a cure not find something to blame it on.I had a sister inlaw who did not smoke.Was very anti smoking was a hermit and was never in my house.Would not go in a resturant and died of lung cancer.She loved pop corn and used the microwave kind.She used the micro wave oven for just about every thing.Her brother also died from lung cancer the same year and her mother died the same way 5 years earlier.She was raised in a non smoking home.

My grand father smoked and 3 uncles from one side of the family and 1 from the other side all smoked.They all except one lived to be 80 and beyond.The one that did not see 80 was killed in a train vs car accident.

However now days no one smokes and it seems there dieing in there 50's?non smoking anti smoking crowd.Hmmm when did the micro wave oven come out.Back in the early 70's when these 50 year olds were kids.I bet everyone of you saying I should rip out the carpet tare down the house and build a new one.Are guilty of putting a baby bottle in the micowave to warm up a babies bottle or preparing food for kids in it?

Oh well if your kids or your self get cancer.You can blame it on the smokers.While cigaretts are outlawed your Dr,s can perscribe medical Marijuwana for the pain.While your kids hold your hand and watch you die.If there stress from this is bad.Perhaps there from Colorado or soon to be most states and can just use some recreational weed to take the edge off.After all there not putting up Marijuwana growing facilities left and right for the small amount needed for medical reasons.Guess it does not cause cancer LOL

Got to go time to move furniture to shampoo the carpets.Im from the old school.Raised by parents from the depression era.Was taught to use it up not throw it out.

Just saying your son and dil have a say in how often you see your grand baby. I know you want to spend a lot of tine with the child. I have one
14 yr old grandchild and value every minute she is with me. I was there
When she was born. You don't know what love is until you hold your grand baby.is replacing the carpet to big an expense to make sure you see the
Child every chance you can?
Please talk to your son and dil to see if you can come to an understanding.

I wish all the best for you and your family.
I know you have a lot to teach your grandchild and I hope you have the chance to make good memories with her.
I believe you will make a good grandparent.
Jo

Sorry, I was venting.husbands illness is still new to me.
The only constant is his parents smoking.
My 4 sons spent a lot of time on their grandparents dairy farm. Their
Gpa was great they loved him very much, he was a very good roll model
For them. In reading your postings you sound like him.
He was my "dad".
God bless.
Jo

I'm glad you quit smoking. My parents both smoked growing up - I had constant ear infections, tonsillitis, and developed allergies and asthma that I never out grew. I'm glad your son escaped such illnesses.

It is your home and you can do as you like. It seems you are willing to try. Paneling can be washed- it will take several washes. If you want to paint and seal it that would be best but a good washing is needed either way.

Carpet of that age can not be cleaned - even professionally to remove everything. When you remove old carpet what you find is a thick layer of dirt, grunge, carpet fibers, etc. perhaps you might consider removing it in one room and seeing if the wood underneath is salvageable, paintable (for now) and/or carpeting the living room since you will most likely be entertaining in that room most.

Good luck!

I'm glad you quit smoking. My parents both smoked growing up - I had constant ear infections, tonsillitis, and developed allergies and asthma that I never out grew. I'm glad your son escaped such illnesses.

It is your home and you can do as you like. It seems you are willing to try. Paneling can be washed- it will take several washes. If you want to paint and seal it that would be best but a good washing is needed either way.

Carpet of that age can not be cleaned - even professionally to remove everything. When you remove old carpet what you find is a thick layer of dirt, grunge, carpet fibers, etc. perhaps you might consider removing it in one room and seeing if the wood underneath is salvageable, paintable (for now) and/or carpeting the living room since you will most likely be entertaining in that room most.

Good luck!

If you think carpet removal is extravagant/ unaffordable expense and 2nd hand smoke/allergies is a bunch of hoohah, the simple solution is you go visit them. You keep your house as you like, g/baby is in safe environment, you visit as much or as little as you want

You already did the hardest, which was quitting. The rest is small stuff that can easily be resolved if wills and egos don't get in the way.

I have seen carpet thats 1 year old in far worse shape then my carpet.Because they do not take car of it.This looks like new and many people have comented on it.That it looks great how do we do it?We are not slobs thats how.

Our Sheltie is crated when we are away.He sleeps in the crate with the door open.He loves it and it is his bed and he knows that.

We often watch our son and dil's mutts on weekends when there out of town.They are slobs and we contain then to one area.But they have free run at home.They lay on there furniture and destoyed there carpet and hardwood floors.They replace the furniture about every 2 years or more.Thats not me no way.If I was to replace the carpet those dogs would not be allowed in my house.That would create a lot of problems and friction.

I think I should tell them to get rid of the dogs and the swimming pool.Then I will think about replacing the carpet. I will say it to is Dr G because she is the one who has the problem anyway.She is also the Mutt lover.

Have you just asked your son and DIL if they are concerned in any way about bringing the grand baby over to your house for visits? It sounds like you are concerned about some other relatives comments - if so, don't invite that person over. Talk to your son and his wife, find out if there is even an issue (with them) and then act like the adults you all are and come up with a solution that works for everyone. It sounds like you are going to do the very best you can to clean the carpet and have no intention of removing it so go from there. You might find they are not even concerned with the carpet, have a reasonable solution if they are or...are just as stubborn as you are :-) and there will be no middle ground, which will be sad. If you were my father I would sure want my kids to learn all about a farm, complete with its dirt and all from their grandparents. Good luck!

Its not my son or DIL its just Dr G.She could not get to my son.But I am a little worried she might get to my DIL.

playpen link here.. I want to defend the OP to some degree. Depending on the usage of his carpet it might actually still look very nice. I have the original carpet in my living room and dining room and it is almost 19 years old. It is a light beige but it looks like it is no more than a few years old. We NEVER smoked and they are rooms we never used. I always say my living room is just for display, we seriously never '"live" in it , nor do we "dine" in the dining room. Big waste of 2 rooms..OP needs to step back and really evaluate his carpet. Has he seen "new" carpet lately and is his really new looking? Sometimes we don't see things the way other people do. Try to see it through the eyes of others.

There is no reason the infant has to lie or crawl on the carpet, use one of those 6 sided playyards with a blanket under it. They are flexible, expandable and portable. I seriously doubt the child will spend enough time there to suffer health consequences from the third hand smoke.

The house probably does smell. I have a sensitive nose and I would not want to spend much time there either if the smoke smell bothered me. What kind of allergies does she have that she can't come in? I thought it was mainly cat/dog allergies that prevented people from visiting. Dust mites and pollen can be cleaned by carpet shampooing and vacuuming. DO NOT VACUUM immediately before her arrival, it stirs things up. Vacuum the night before.

Just to update.Baby was born August 14 2015 I have yet to see new grandson.Things went from bad to worse.Neither son or DIL will talk to us.A family member told us our grandson was born 6 days after the fact.

Very sorry to hear that. There is more to this than some old carpet, obviously. It seems to be a trend today that girls get married, then sons become alienated from their parents... I have seen this more than once.

aw I am sorry to read that you have not gotten to see your grandbaby yet. I hope things can work out better for you.

OP, this is ridiculous. You are the one causing drama and you are alienating YOURSELF from your family. Your insecurity is obvious. I get the sense that you are just as judgmental as your daughter in law, if not much, much more so.

I almost stopped reading after the words "stupid looking brain bucket." Who cares if helmets are stupid looking? Would you think it was "stupid" if it saved your grandchild's life? I would not want my child to spend time in the care of a grown adult who doesn't believe in basic safety precautions. Get over yourself.

You need to be willing to let go of your ego and COMPROMISE with your son and his wife.

I feel sorry for all of you.

You sound like you are well on your way to becoming a grumpy old granddad.

Seriously, though....you are letting this situation get the best of you. My advice is to do as you have been, cleaning, painting etc., to whatever extent you are willing. Most of the junk that's left in carpet after a thorough washing is well below the surface anyway and will remain there unless the earth suddenly loses gravity. That dirt will very likely never even come in contact with the baby. People just tend to be grossed out at the 'thought' of what's down there. I prefer hard flooring myself because it's much easier to clean, and cooler in my southern climate, but that's just my opinion.

Make it clear that your son's family is welcome to visit as often as they like. The rest is up to them. You could just put down a freshly washed large quilt for the baby to play on when they come over. You should not feel that you have to make expensive renovations to suit them, and you did mention that they have not requested anything of the sort. You don't have to explain yourself either. Don't let Dr. Granny get to you. She is not that child's parent and has no more say than you do in his or her upbringing, so her opinion of your home does not count.

But gosh, please ease up on the dogs. Your son and DIL are entitled to have big sloppy dogs in the house if they choose. Just like you are entitled to carpet if it pleases you. We all have our 'stuff' that others don't understand. Koombaya!

I think people are putting too much into this with overreacting to this situation. As long as you deep clean everything, that is all you need to do. I think replacing the carpets is overkill, personally. Get a professional carpet cleaner in that uses some sort of oxyclean in their cleaning formula and have the carpets deep cleaned. Asking you to replace the carpets with hardwood is an unreasonable demand IMHO. Like the poster before me stated, that stuff is not going to come up out of the padding and harm the baby in any way, after having it cleaned. Put a clean blanket down and the baby will be fine. Why are kids getting sick all the time today? Because people don't let them be exposed to everyday germs, etc. They use toxic chemicals to clean away to the point of every surface being sterile. Then the kids never develop an immunity. The chemicals they use end up being more harmful and causing many of the illnesses we see in children today. Just deep clean the house and you will be fine. Air the house out so any chemical residue in the air isn't trapped in the house. Goodness grief, it is amazing any of us survived our childhoods and grew up to be health adults according to our germaphobic world. I played in the mud, my grandpa smoked around me, I ate candy off the sidewalk, I picked carrots out of the garden and ate them without rinsing them off and our house was clean but not bleached and sanitized to the point of being an operating room sterile clean. I am a healthy adult and have a strong immune system. When everyone else is catching the flu and colds, I carry on because my immune system was exposed to everyday life while growing up. Truth be told, the processed foods and garbage people are feeding their kids today, are far more toxic to the child than your carpets will ever be. Just relax... It will all be fine :)

Baby was born last August.Have yet to see this baby boy.Had to stay home for the Holidays.So they could go to my parents house.At this point we will never forgive them.

donbren78 is my new user name.Because I did away with Facebook because of all that has happened.

This absolutely breaks my heart :( I don't know the whole story and there's always two sides to everything but being a grandparent, I couldn't imagine life not being allowed to be part of their lives :( Sounds like both sides have some compromising to do. In the long run this is hurting the baby more than anyone :(

Well the Grandparents tried to patch things up.But they made there decision long before we were aware there was a problem.Basically they had this planned well in advance.

So sad. I feel she is looking down her nose at you as a stinky ex-smoker. You must be banned, you are the devil! I would just stay quiet on the matter. Ignorance is bliss and don't give her any more opportunity to talk down to you. A grandparents love and knowledge they pass down is more important than squabbling over bloody carpet. I feel for you really. My inlaws sound the same as your DIL's mum. They visibly used to crinkle their noses and sneer when my mum went outside for a cigarette, come back in change her top and wash her hands and teeth and then cuddle my first born. They even got to me a bit and I mentioned it to my mum who was very hurt understandably. Having four children now, I stick up for myself a lot. And just go quiet and change conversation when I see ' the face' starting to form.

I agree with the poster who said, it's weird DIL's allergies only come on in your house when they have two Labradors one of the worst breeds of dog for shedding continuously, year round and they have a double coat so there is a lot of dander too. False objections

There is a lot out there these days to hurt our children. Diesel particulates from being in a pushchair next to a road right in the line of the exhausts. Mobile phones and the masts, coal and nuclear power. Foods, poisons that leach into our water. Even fluoridation of water. At some point we all have to die. That's the only guarantee in this life. Life spent worrying and holding back is not really the way I'd like my one chance to go.

This is a tense time so I'd lay low. Wait till baby is here and just get involved. After all, it's not like baby will be with you a lot of the time any dangers that are perceived are so low frequency. Sounds like this baby needs you in his or her life to inject a dose of reality and not 'bubble' or 'sugarcoat' things.

i am a non smoker, have never smoked Hate it. But I think you are being made into a bit of a scapegoat hereHave just read your update above. How bloody sad. I wouldn't let this happen if I were you. Swallow your pride and make yourself part of that baby's life. Why should that woman get things all her way. Like you say, well planned. Perfectly executed. Set the seeds and walk away and you end up looking like the awkward one while she gets to coo over your grandson. Please, do not let this carry on. Call your son and meet somewhere and take things slowly but go from there. Your son needs you too.

No my son has made his bed.Now he can lay in it.It will all come back around and bite him.I know him well and in time he will get fed up with his Control freak mother in law and wife.He will then come running to his parents.But he will get the door slammed in his face.

How very sad, all the way around.

They have ruined every holiday in the past year.Example Christmas we stayed home.Rather then going to our traditional Christmas at my parents house the babies Great Grandparents.Who have Christmas every year always.We stayed home and felt like outcasts because we knew the baby would be there.We are a little bitter that not one family member will stand up to them and say.What your doing to your Mon and Dad is not right.They say it is not right to us but let it roll off there backs to them.Because I guess they do not want to be outcasted as well.So we just back off to avoid conflict.We did not even put up a tree this year.Stayed home and was glad to see the Holidays be over.If we were retired I think we would move far away from this area and start a new life.