Shop Products
Houzz Logo Print
sangaree

Xmas frustrations with Mr O, long, off topic

Purplemoon
10 years ago

I've been having a decorating dilemma, all year as most of you know. Lost my spirit and can't seem to
get it back. Tho I did do my Fall stuff, which is perhaps my favorite.
But where Christmas is concerned, I've been like a yo-yo going up and down. One moment I can't wait to pull out all, or some, of my stuff.....the next I feel like 'why bother' and just want to skip it this year!! I've been a mess, needless to say. Kind of hit this wall last year too when a depression slammed me hard. But I did go ahead and do some, just not as much as usual. But this year I don't seem to know what I want, or don't want, to do. Living in a confused state of mind I guess. help.....

But on to Mr O. (for those of you who don't him, that is my husband of 43 yrs that I dubbed Mr. Oblivious, as he notices nothing!! If I were to put something in the middle of the floor, I swear he'd walk around it but STILL not notice WHAT it was.) Now him being oblivious can be a real good thing, since I'm big on collecting and decorating, and am a 'more is better' type person. On the other hand, its frustrating when I WANT him to notice something. But I can do whatever I want, which is nice. However he doesn't help me with hauling out all the Xmas stuff or storing it back. And as the Fibromyalgia has worsened to the point of me mostly house-bound, I could use some help to save all the walking on my poor legs. I tried a "hint" a couple of years ago, told him I didn't know HOW I was going to get everything decorated for Christmas. He responded with "then don't do it". Gee thanks, that wasn't what I was aiming for from him! :o( The good news is he never criticizes anything I do. The bad news is he never compliments anything I do. sigh. Not even a simple little 'looks nice, dear'. Which sure would be great after all my hard work! Still, I guess I'm use to it after all these years. Tho I don't have to like it.
So tonight, when I was totally frustrated with myself and not being able to figure out what I want to do, and needed someone to talk to.......yeah, that's good for laugh right there. Mr Oblivious is the silent type and having a conversation with him is like pulling teeth. He believes in one-word answers, I believe in multiple paragraphs. LOL. But I was determined, so pinned him down and asked him if he cared about seeing any Christmas stuff at all. He managed to say he likes Christmas 'ok'. Wow, how about that. Then he suggested if I was so unsure what I wanted to do, "why not just skip it this year and see if I liked it."
I told him if I did that, I think I'd regret it. I need to do some, even if its less than last year's and a lot stays packed. Well now he tells me, after all this time, that while he likes some he just doesn't like SO MUCH!!!! (maybe he's remembering some good old days when I hung a wreath on the door and decorated a tree and called it done!! But that was a long time ago, and well before I discovered this Forum and went nuts. LOL)
So not only was he NO help to talk to, now I know he's never even liked all the heavy decorating.
And I was doing it for most ALL the holidays for awhile. Talk about feeling bummed out, now he's just made it worse! What was I thinking when I asked his opinion?? Dumb. It was one thing to know he was oblivious to it, but now to know he actually didn't like it at all stinks! And will probably send me on a guilt trip now whenever I decorate. (I'm real good at taking guilt trips). Since I never say a word about him spending 7 days a week on the golf course, he really wants me to do whatever I can to enjoy my days. Especially with now being pretty much housebound while he comes and go as always. If my happiness means loading the house with decor, he'd never tell me not to. Hence he ignores it.

But darn, I'm just more confused than ever WHAT to do about Christmas. Wonder if I could run away someplace and hibernate like a bear? LOL. (any suggestions appreciated)

If you got this far, thanks for listening to all my whining. And forgive me for dumping such a load here.
I'm read to implode if I don't get it out.
hugs, Karen

Comments (22)

  • minnie_tx
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    While living alone most of my life I decorated heavily for every holiday until a couple of years ago. I lost the love of doing it (no one saw it but me and DS) I gradually went thru most of my collections culling certain things I couldn't part with for various reasons, giving most away to church fund raisers, Sal Army and Goodwill. I still love decorations but am contented with decorating my front porch and just putting out a few things. I have photos of my decorations thru the years and love to look at them

  • christmascandy
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Men!!! Can't live with em, can't k*i*l*l em!!!!

    Is his middle name Ebenezer? LOL As you know, I have his twin, who also has described the weekend after Thanksgiving when I am in full blown decorating mode: "when all he*ll breaks loose!"

    I just tell him he knew what he was getting into when we got married!

    I think you should just do a little bit at a time, and then share with us, your very appreciative audience!! We will be your cheerleading section.

    My own DH doesn't care for all of my décor either, but he sure shows it off when we have people over!! I think he is going for the sympathy at what he has to put up with when I put it all out!! I just say "ppptttthhhh!"

    Maybe start with your village in the cabinet? I love that and Trouble can't get at it! LOL
    Teegan would probably appreciate a holiday outfit too!
    So sorry that your fibro is such a PITA or PITL's I guess is more accurate! What about inviting the friend over who helped a couple of years ago? Half as much work and twice as much fun!

    You know everybody here loves anything you do, so give us all something to cheer about!!
    Don't let the turkey (Mr. O, LOL) get you down!

    HUGS to you,
    Candy

  • patty_cakes
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Karen, first let me give you a ((((((hug))))). I don't come to this board much, but seems the few times I have, it's *you* giving someone a hug~ must be a real sweetie IRL! What you do, do it for YOU! I've lived the last 21 years on my own, and all my decorating is done to please me, and only me, no lie! Like you I enjoy the everyday decorating, but the holiday is the real big deal, and I can really go over the top. I love making the whole house blingy and sparkly, and if it get's noticed that's all good, but *I* relish walking thru the rooms admiring my holiday finery! Sometimes it has to be all about you, what YOU like, what YOU want, and mostly what YOU enjoy, and makes your spirit sing, and brings joy to your heart. After 40 + years together, take your DH's opinion with a grain of salt, because chances are, if he had to tell you what *he* liked he wouldn't be able to put it into words. He probably really *doesn't* care, but it isn't with the intent to hurt your feelings, it's just the way things are, especially after 40 years.

    So rejoice, and decorate to your hearts content, and let him have his clubs. ;o)

  • Purplemoon
    Original Author
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Thank you. Voices of reason! Ahhh Candy, I forgot for a moment you are married to his "twin", LOL. You have my sympathy. I just can't do the Village this year in my big china cabinet. Means moving 125 + horse figurines, 2 or 3 at time, to the hall pantry where Village is stored. And moving all those boxes out by the cabinet. A LOT of walking back and forth. And I just can't hold up to do it now. Last year I just set up a few pieces on tables and was thinking I'd do that again. The brat cat didn't bother them there. :o) (that friend who helped me 2 yrs ago and made it all so much fun and so much easier on me, has left. I'm on my own again.)

    Minnie, sounds like you know what works for you now. And having photos to remember your past decorating means you'll continue to enjoy seeing what all you did.

    Awww, Patty, thank you so much. You showed up at good time tonight. :o) I used to think I decorated "just for me", but after my Dad died, I realized how big a part he played in my joy of doing it. He LOVED seeing all of it. And after living with us for 10 yrs, his absence is really felt deeply. Tho this will be my 3rd Christmas without him. So I shouldn't still be missing my Christmas spirit.

    I know whatever I do, no matter how little or how much, you guys will always be supportive of my decorating. And you always make me feel so good. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and head to toe. :o)

    {{gwi:77274}}

  • party_music50
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Karen, I am with Mr. O's other twin. Seriously. While I'm definitely NOT a 'more is better' type of person, I can say all of the same things: He never notices anything... even if he has to walk around it. He never complains!.... but he also never gives a compliment. :( At best, you can get the occasional single-syllable response from him when you really need to talk. And, of course, golf is more important to him than anything.... including me. :p

    One thing I have *finally* learned from my guy is that he doesn't get ANY hint. Men don't process things the same way that women do. However, if Mr. O was ever a boyscout there is hope! My guy was a boyscout and I have also *finally* realized that he will be ready and willing to help me with decorating things, provided the task I give him is short, simple, and clear. I've noticed that he even ENJOYS helping me put things on the tree now!!! lol! I just have to make it fun and easy for him, and if I tell him all the things that I'd want to hear (e.g., thank you for helping, it looks great!) then he's like a happy kid again. I just realized that I should make him hot cocoa with marshmallows when he helps. :O)

    You wanted advice? my advice is to choose a subset of decorations that are your favorites or most important to you and begin decorating. I think you need the decor to feel like the holidays and I think you need to go through the process of decorating. I believe you can get Mr O to help you, even if just minimally (Mr O, would you please bring the big blue box from the 3rd shelf in the basement and put it HERE for me?!). Decorate a little at a time as you feel up to it.

    If there's something you want decorated where you really need more help, is it possible to hire a local kid to help you?! If I wanted to, I'm pretty sure I could find a teenager who would love to make a few bucks helping me decorate!

  • phoggie
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Oh my how many twins can Mr. O have? I remember my DH just sitting "watching" me...I asked him to help and he did not want to... Well, DH died about 2 years ago and I wish I had him just sitting in that chair, watching. I did give up decorating the outside of the house...it was only me out in the cold, snow/ice...not him.

    After he died, I sold our house, and got rid of most of my Christmas decorations when I moved....just kept the really special things. Well...this year, I was asked to be on the Christmas Home Tour....so I am replacing some things, but mostly borrowing from my DDs to make the house more festive.

    Holidays bring out the depression in me....maybe you also? I also have fibromyalgia and full of arthritis...but I do a little, then rest. But do ONLY what YOU want to do and what makes YOU happy! If you do not want to do...don't!

    Sending you many hugs!!!!

  • Fun2BHere
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Hugs, hugs, hugs to all of you wonderful women who make life special for your families in spite of no praise or involvement by your husband.

    For me, some years I have lots of energy and decorate every surface. Other years, like this one, I struggle to do the bare minimum. I pulled five totes out of storage today and I'm just staring at them. I know for sure that I won't be putting up the big village this year, but I'm trying to decide what I do want to decorate.

    I agree with other posters who suggested just doing what you have energy to do and saving the rest for next Christmas. Decorating shouldn't be a chore, but a joy.

  • nana2010_gw
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I don't know what to add to what everyone has said. I hope you get your decorating spirit back. I know your Dad loved it and I'm sure he would be smiling if he could look down and see you doing some.
    Nana

  • janet1_2007
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Aww Karen,I think our guys must have been the orginal octonauts. Seems like men just really don't get it when it comes to things that make us women happy. I tell Rog all the time when the does "something" for me, it is not to make me happy but to make him happy. Like for instance, he wants to take me somewhere and I really just want to stay home and have a little me time to do the crafts that I love. He loves to fuss about my dishes---he sees absolutely no need in anybody having more than I plate, I glass and 1 spoon.It.s perfectly all right for him to have at least 2 of every kind of power tool, and God only knows how many different hand tools, drill bits, router bits,and every accesory invented, but that;s his tools--- my stuff is just junk that clutters up the house.

    go ahead and decorate, just for YOU (and us) You have to be in the house all the time, do what makes life enjoyable for you. This cold and wind is doing a number on my fibro too, I know what you are saying. My legs and arms hurt last night until it was 4:30 this morn before I ever got to sleep, then I was up and at the barn making wreaths by 8. This may be my last year trying to do wreaths, it is getting harder every year, but I count on it for my Christmas money for the kids and GKs.Seems like every year my list gets longer and my bones get tirder (I don't think I spelled that right, but fibro fog is affecting my brain function tonight).. LOts of hugs and decorating enthuasim headed your way. Love u

  • Marlene Kindred
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Well, I guess I'll put my two cents in as well. I'm resting from cooking most of the day and getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner at my house. After tomorrow, we'll start on Christmas. I have the opposite problem...my DH wants to put out EVERYTHING! I want a change, so I'm not going to do all of the same things we've done for the past few years. I bought a few new things and I'm going to change it up a little this year. This will be the first year with our DD living on her own and we don't really have a lot of people over during the holidays, so I'm the one scaling back...a little. I say all of that to say this...I think that men, in general, can't take a hint. In fact, my husband's whole family is like that...even his mom! I think that if you ask Mr. O directly to help you at least by bringing in the totes so you can go through them, then he will. Men need clear, concise jobs with a clearly defined goal...those are my DH's words here...as long as he understands what he is suppose to be doing, he's willing. I think they get completely overwhelmed with the idea of decorating, so they just want to disappear. With you, Mr. O has been "allowed" to disappear forever, so he thinks that nothing has changed. He forgets that as he has gotten older, so have you. He thinks you can still do everything you've always done, though it simply isn't so. He thinks you're that "girl" he married so long ago and God bless him for thinking so. But, that doesn't make your life any easier. Why not ask him directly to help you? Then, go through your things and start small. Concentrate on areas that make you the happiest. If it is too daunting a task to fill your curios, then let them be. (Lord knows I wouldn't be willing to or able to empty mine to decorate just for Christmas...too much work for this chick.) Do something spectacular somewhere else where it doesn't need so much preparation. You know we will LOVE whatever you do. You are so talented and do such a fantastic job, that even the smallest decorating vignette will be lovely.
    What do you say? We'll all take it slower and decorate for us...do what makes you happy. Not what stresses you more. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

  • plainjane425
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    First Off, I agree that there should be
    ...((((Hugs))) for you dear Karen...
    I love that all who posted here gave you such wonderful - insightful advice.
    Like Nana...I don't know what more to add but I will say that
    many of US HERE would miss seeing any of your
    decorations - however large or small you feel YOU'd enjoy doing. Please reconsider - Nana is right your Dad loved it and would be smiling if he could look down and see you doing some..
    Blessings Karen...
    jane

  • jeannespines
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    You should be feeling the ~~hugs, Purplemoon...wow, look @all the cheering section you have here on the forum! Dear friend, I am sorry your fibro has raised so much ruckus in your life...pain is a terrible fury to beat down ...

    so like Jane, I love all the insightful advice. I do the decorating here ... but hubby will haul the totes up & down the stairs from the garage...I may not do as much this yr (like Marlene) but I will decorate w/the good things that make me 'smile.' As long as it makes you smile, I say 'go for it' in whatever quantity you care to do & like many have said, your Dad is smiling down @you, too. ~~hugs, Jeanne S.

  • Purplemoon
    Original Author
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Oh my.......just reading all these all these posts have me smiling, and tears rolling down my face, plus a few chuckles, and the biggest, warmest feeling ever!! You all are the BEST. So much caring, support, advice, and enough sweetness that I feel like I'm in a candy store. :o) I truly love you for all the joy you give, and the big hearts you have. I'd be truly lost without you in my life.

    Fun2B, "Decorating shouldn't be a chore, but a joy."...very wise words. I've been concentrating on the work and not the joy, I'll work on that and my decorating this weekend! Thank you!

    Janet, you made me laugh with your DH's 'one spoon, one plate, one glass' and a LOT of tools.....while your 'junk' clutters up the house he thinks. LOL. Men!
    I don't know how to you make all those wreaths with everything on your plate, and all the pain you deal with too. So very hard on you!! Sending you love and prayers, always.

    Nana and Jane, sweet friends who know just the right thing to say about my Dad. :o) I'm sure you are right that he's watching over me. I think of him with every bit I do as he always said he loved how it looked and showed me how much he enjoyed it. You've given me an idea on some decorating, will tell you when it's done!!!

    Marlene, dear friend, could I please borrow your DH !!
    :o) I love all you said, and you really nailed it too! I really want to thank you for the compliments on my decorating. Hope I can live up to them.

    Party, you have a Mr O. too, including the obsessed golf part ?! What did God do....CLONE these guys??? LOL.
    You are right, (tho I don't recall him being a Scout,) if I give him a task he's pretty good at saying ok. I do think he'd draw the line at actually going thru bins or decorating. But he'd bring them in, if I asked. He seems to think if I don't ask, then I must not need help. Jeeez. You on the other hand are a huge help, I loved what you advised....."my advice is to choose a subset of decorations that are your favorites or most important to you and begin decorating. I think you need the decor to feel like the holidays and I think you need to go through the process of decorating." I am going to do this!!

    Phoggie, so nice to meet you! And thank you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband, and I hope I didn't make you sad with my complaining about my Mr. O. I know you must miss him terribly. Several of our ladies here are dealing with the same huge loss in their lives and I need to apologize to all of you if I was insensitive.
    I also regret you are another of us who suffer Fibro, but you're in good company here for sure! That is wonderful you've been asked to decorate for a home tour! You must do beautiful things. I hope you can share pictures with us. Yes, holiday depression this time of year is pretty common unfortunately. Since my Dad died, I sure had a bad time the last two Christmas'es with it. And fighting it this year, but at least I'm beating it for the most part. I look forward to Christmas Eve with family, but Christmas day makes me sad. Here 'alone' and its just another day. (Mr O still goes to golf course, tho its closed, and just practices. Or watches football.) I hope you hang around with us and keep posting, we're glad to have more members in our little "gang". :o) Hugs back to you.

    There's a lot of WISE women on this Forum, I sure know how to pick my friends! Y'all are Keepers!
    hugs, Karen

  • phonegirl
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Karen, I'm sure you know I'm feeling your pain! I agree with everyone else. I'm pretty overwhelmed this year myself and I'm not dealing w/fibro like some of you. I think they call mine OTB(older tired butt)!

    I have all the decor from both offices and DD's mixed in with all my Christmas and don't know where to start. God only knows I don't have room to bring in all 60-75 totes at once! And DH's motorcycle is taking up some of my garage space. So not sure this year will be as decked out as normal for me. The difference is right now I don't care. Whatever will be will be.

    DGD is going to come down tomorrow and stay with us a few days so I will be playing instead of decorating this weekend. If I put it off to long I will feel why bother.LOL

    Maybe you should call DD and see if her and the girls wanna come over and help out. Our DD is working so many long hours and six days a week. Her DH decorated their home they spend most of the time at. He called me last night and ask if he could make something for our dinner. I said 'NO' but you could do our outside decorating! He said he'd prefer that and I said 'it's a deal. However, this is the last week for hunting so I'm pretty sure he will be in the mountains tracking the BIG ONE!

    It's always wonderful to see all your collections but do what you can and don't overdue. Wish I lived close and I'd take the time to come over and haul your totes for you! Hold your head high and march to your own drum repeating 'Life is what we make it' this Holiday season gf! Some days I'd like to know who came up with the saying 'if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. OK I'm tired and need to go clean the Turkey. I'd rather go get a piece of pie and stay on here.LOL

    Punk

  • Purplemoon
    Original Author
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Jeanne, you snuck in while I was posting same time. You've been such a wonderful friend for so many years. (Both you and Kay-Luvs have seen me thru a lot since our Garden Junk days. :o)

    My whining about decorating is ridiculous in light of the challenges you've been dealing with. I am so sorry for dumping on you. You should be 'fussin' at me instead of being your sweet, supportive self. Sometimes I need a kick in the butt or rap upside the head for being so self-centered. Love you bunches, hope you know that.
    hugs and prayers,
    Karen

  • jeannespines
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Our family Tkgvg fell thru today (gr'son got the flu yesterday ...bummer for a holiday break from school)! So being a chemo patient we couldn't go ... but we will schedule @another date.... so, anyway....
    I got started today ... worked a few hours on some ...putting away Fall & getting out Christmas & Winter totes... it will take some time but I am enjoying!

    You never 'dump' on me ... you 'vent' & venting is good & necessary @times ~~ so, I;m happy you will be doing 'some' ... all of us always enjoy your holiday decor! ~~hugs, Jeanne S.

  • laurastheme
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Karen, I'm sorry about your physical condition as well as the DH problem that you face every day. I don't have fibro but I have a friend who does so I know how painful it can be.

    I don't know how I can add anymore to what's already been written. Just take it a day at a time and do what makes you happy. Sometimes just a little decorating can be just as impressive as a lot. Up until a few years ago I went all out inside and out. My DH did all the outside decorating. The last couple years we've cut back a lot. Just getting too old and tired to work that hard. Last year I found a beautiful 4' prelit artificial tree in a thrift store for $10. It's fuller and prettier than most of the ones in the stores for more money. I just hang my favorite decorations on it and put out a few of my favorites around the house. Last Christmas I boxed up all the ones that I knew I wouldn't use anymore and gave them to two of my grown grandkids to divide between them. I've found that in the last few years I keep thinking, while I'm decorating, that after Christmas I'm going to have to put them all away....my least favorite job.

    I agree that whatever you do it needs to be fun, not work. Here's another big (((HUG))) for you.
    Laura

  • peoniesandposies
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    With love I'm sharing what may seem hurtful, but It looks like after 43 years you are finally finding out that your decorating is for your own enjoyment. Mr O evidently has finally made verbal what all his years of silent non-participation has said.

    Lean into the Serenity Prayer "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    Do what pleases you and you're capable of doing and let the rest slide ..... it will make you happier.

  • SeasonalDecorating__
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I do the decorating for me. I enjoy decorating, and it is tradition for me. To lighten the load (because i know how decorating for the holidays gets to be a lot of work) I start early, and do one project or area a day until I am done. Also, maybe make a few really good displays to make up for less all over decorations. Do what makes YOU happy :)

  • Purplemoon
    Original Author
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Thank you again, all of you have been great with your thoughts and advice!! It means a LOT to me.

    Seas....starting early makes a LOT sense in my case. I am moving slower and slower each year it seems. One year, I set up my Village in that huge china cabinet before Thanksgiving (where the 125 horse figurines are that have to be moved 2-3 at a time). It didn't take anything away from all the Fall decor around the house to set it up in the cabinet. Takes me a couple of days, but there was no pressure with other decorating going on by doing it early. I wish I'd thought of that THIS year.

    Laura, thanks for the hug....I like hugs!! :o)
    And like you, as I'm unpacking stuff, I tend to now think about having to repack it. Ugh. Your 4ft tree sounds pretty! Each year I've been passing on a few things to my DD or DDIL, and also friends. I donated a lot last year to a sweet young couple who needed it. This year,
    so far, I'm not finding much I want to part with... even tho I still have too much stuff. sigh.

    Peonie, you weren't at all hurtful. I appreciate "straight talk". Actually its only been the last dozen years I've gotten carried away with decorating, so Mr O. was given the traditional one tree, and wreath on the door, most of our married life. Same as his parents did, and mine for that matter. I'm lucky he's the silent, laid-back type I guess, cause he really doesn't care what I do in house or yard as long as it makes me happy. We are so totally opposite in EVERYTHING, its both funny and sad. I've no idea how we fell in love, or stayed in love! :o)

    I really was going to pull out a few favorite things, but as I'm unpacking and going thru stuff, more and more is coming out afterall. And I'm enjoying the heck out of it.
    See what you guys did for me!!


    hugs, Karen

  • janet1_2007
    10 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Good for you and great for us!

  • Creekbum
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Hey Karen,

    Guess I am a little late too get in on the advice, but looks like it has all been covered well!

    I decorate for ME!! And I do make it fun, and only do what I can at a time and take a break.. It's not like I am on the clock or running for a deadline...

    As you well know, i lost my decorating Spirit, the same year you did, loosing my Mama.. I have just been able to get back into swinging.....

    I went very minimum for me this year! And, just this morning told my hubby, I don't think I am going to pit up a big tree next year! He laughed and said, That is a long way off! once i make up my mind, it is made.. No matter how long it is.. But, i guess I want say never!

    I just did not enjoy the big tree like I used to..

    So Take Everyone's advice, and do what is best for You!!

    And Great Big ((((((((HUGS)))))))))

    Creek

    P.S. Welcome to All The New Members!! So Good to See Activity here!!

Sponsored
Interior Style by Marisa Moore
Average rating: 4.9 out of 5 stars57 Reviews
Northern Virginia Interior Designer - Best of Houzz 2013-2020!
More Discussions