How do I break the news ?

16 years ago

I "need" to get FIL into a home. ( For my own mental health ) I'm filling out applications and making phone calls - all behind his back. I've been losing sleep over "how to break it to him" . Is there an easy way ? (I've been rehearsing so many speeches ......) *sigh*

If you had to do it - how did you go about it ? I want to be honest - but tactful. I can really use some advice.

((((((( Everyone ))))))))

Kathy

~_~_~_ PS .... FIL is a sensible man. I'm sure he'll understand & he'll be okay with it. I just feel like I'm kicking him out of his home. Being this time of year also makes me worry that he will think we don't want him around for the holidays.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (9)

mikeandbarb
16 years ago
I know how you feel. Even though I haven't had to put my dad into a home I did have to sit down with him and let him know that I cannot handle going over everyday. The guilt is awful but you have to think of yourself and take care of yourself too.
No matter what it's not easy to tell anyone bad news or sad news. Best to sit with him and let him know you need to take care of yourself. Don't do it behind his back. Ask him if he'd like to go with you to check out the homes and see which one he prefers.
Just remember just because you can't take care of him as much, does not mean he has to go into a home if he does not want to. He can say yes or no. Many times we have to wait till something bad happens or their mind is so far gone that they have no voice to say if they go or not.
If he can afford to hire someone or even allow someone else to come in to help out at home would help you out.
My dad does try to play with my feeling I think but he does know that I'm not much better off then he is. I have back problems and cannot clean house without taking pain medicine. I cannot lift more than five pounds. I can only carry five pounds from the car to the house and even that can get to me if I have three or four trips. Thing's that I don't have to worry about bring in I wait till DH gets home and ask him to carry them in. Of course dad does not know just how much I'm troubled I don't show it but finally had to tell him just how bad it is for me. II can be in pain and not show it, I'm like that, only when the pain is so bad does it show.
Add to the mental part of caring for him it was and is really taxing on my health.

So the best thing to do and sit with your FIL and let him know how it's wearing you down. I'm sure he'll understand. Just remember he's going through a bad time in life himself and if he get upset know it's not at you, it will be more at aging and not being able to do what he'd like to do. It's not easy to give up and this is what he'll see it as ..having to give up or give in. I think you might be surprised by him telling you he knew it was coming. We all have that sence of when things are not right.

My blessing to you both
shambo
16 years ago
mikeandbarb gave you excellent advice. What kind of "home" are you talking about? A skilled nursing facility? An assisted living community? A memory care unit? Or an independent living retirement apartment complex?

Is your FIL still living on his own or does he live with you? If he's living by himself, having in-home care aides may be enough to give you some relief. However, if he's actually living with you, a few hours a day may not be enough help for you.

Do you know how he will finance a move?

This is a difficult time for both of you. I know you want to do what's best for both of you. Good luck.
Related Discussions
How do i encourage basal breaks?
Q
Comments (6)
I moved into my apartment 4 years ago and 2 Heritage roses were planted in large containers.... One has 3 and the other has 4 old large, woody main canes. Every summer I've gotten many, many flowers, but no basal breaks, although new, thick canes do grow from the old, original canes. Is there anything I can do to encourage basal breaks? I'm afraid to prune the big, oldest canes in the Spring because there are so few of them. Are they own root or grafted? Is the graft covered? I normally do not prune except for dead canes, mine does get basal breaks. Mine is an own root, it was grown in a pot until it got larger, in time it ended up getting planted a bit deeper. I haven't looked at it yet this year but will make a note to check it out tomorrow to see what it's done. It's in the one garden I've neglected this year, has a bunch of perennials growing around it. I've been trying to weed and pull perennials but ended up stopping before I got near it. What is the chance that your pot is too small? Heritage can get huge
...See More
Electric: Can I Stir-fry? and How Easily Do They Break?
Q
Comments (20)
Let me just begin by saying that I was not trying to be obnoxious and if I came across that way, I apologize. It was an attempt at levity, I have a strange sense of humor. weissman almost got it. However, I think there needs to be a clarification on the click and hum issue. First, after I paid what I paid for my cooktop, if it made annoying sounds you can bet it would be going back. Also, check most of the people voicing these concerns, I believe most don't own the cooktops but are "concerned" about what they've heard. When an induction unit is placed on its lowest setting(s) they cycle power to the hobs. I'm assuming that some units are making noise when they do this. Mine doesn't 'click'. At worst, if it is totally quiet and I have my ear about four inches from the ceramic glass when the unit is set to its lowest temp, I can barely hear it cycle. I just tried it and had to strain to hear anything at all. If someone hears their unit clicking - return it for one that doesn't. It's not normal. Hums. Tremendous power is transferred when induction cooktops are placed on their power boosting (highest) setting. Cheap cookware or cookware which may not be making proper contact with the surface of the unit may cause a hum to be generated. If someones cooktop makes a humming noise without a cooking vessel I suggest they immediately shut the units breaker down and return it. Even with the cheapest of cookware the only hum I've ever heard was slight and disappeared as soon as the pot began to get warm (which is very fast I might add). The best way to formulate an opinion is to try one out in a showroom that is equipped for it. Good luck with whichever way you go.
...See More
What do I do? Attempted break-in ...
Q
Comments (27)
I don't often comment but I just had to comment about this subject. I worked in public safety for almost 20 years. For every violent crime you see reported on the news (gun shot, stabbing, carjacking, armed robbery, home invasion, etc.), there are countless others that aren't reported on TV or in the newspaper. And I'm not just talking about in big cities or the 'bad areas of town'. These days, the number of violent crimes are going up at staggering rates and they are affecting EVERY one and at ANY time of the day or night. When I was growing up, my mom used to comfort us when we were scared by telling us that no one would break in while we were at home. She would say, "Those bad men only want to break in when no one's home. They want to get in, steal all the stuff and get out quickly without being noticed. They usually don't want to hurt anyone." Well, that is just not true anymore. These days, people are just flat out cruel and they would just as soon shoot you as to look at you. They WILL come into your home regardless if you are home or not. In fact, they often look for targets who are home so you can lead them to where all your expensive items are and even take them to other locations to get more. With that in mind, here are a few things you can do to avoid being a victim: 1) ALWAYS BE MINDFUL THAT NO ONE IS FOLLOWING YOU...when you leave the bank, ATM, a nice restaurant, the mall, etc. If you EVER even think you are being followed, drive to the closest police station. DO NOT GO HOME!! 2) ALWAYS LOCK YOUR WINDOWS & DOORS...in your home and automobile. 3) LEAVE ON EXTERIOR LIGHTS AT NIGHT. Motion censored and/or timed lights are a great addition to a few that remain on all night. Mix it up to keep from getting in a routine that someone would notice. 4) GET A DOG (or at least have a sign that indicates you own one) 5) INSTALL AN ALARM SYSTEM with a BATTERY BACK-UP and ALWAYS HAVE IT ARMED and MONITORED, NO MATTER WHAT TIME OF THE DAY IT IS!! The sophisticated home invader knows that many people don’t turn alarms on regularly! So if you have it, always use it! By the way, if you don't have a landline and/or you are in a remote location, use a satellite alarm monitoring company. 6) IF YOU ARE A FEMALE LIVING ALONE, BUY SOME MENS BOOTS from a thrift store and set them outside your door to make it look like there is a man living there with you. You can put them beside your imaginary dog's bowl on the porch! :0) 7) ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR GUT! That first gut instinct is almost always right. Listen to it! Below is an article about a home invasion that happened close to my home very recently. It was in a very affluent area and ended very badly. A 78 y/o grandmother and her disabled granddaughter returned home from running errands and were surprised by burglars as the men were about to leave the home. From the getaway car, one of the suspects fired a single shot from a handgun, striking the disabled woman in the head, killing her. To read more, the article is here: FAYETTE CO GRANDMOTHER PLEADS to FIND SUSPECTS IN FATAL HOME INVASION I hope this info helps at least one person stay safe. Blessings, ~Addy~ P.S. There's some additional safety info in the link below: Here is a link that might be useful: HOME INVASION ROBBERY - Protect Your Family With A Security Plan
...See More
Should I break the news to my GC re: major layout change?
Q
Comments (53)
Instead of moving the window, why not add another? That's what I did for Plan D, along with a few other tweaks. It's a blend of your Plan A and my Plan A, and a little bit of your Plan B. As always, aisle measurements are counter to counter, counter to appliance front or counter to wall. Starting at the pantry door: "a" is an 18" deep cabinet ala the inspiration pic I posted above [[(https://www.houzz.com/photos/shannon-cabinetry-traditional-kitchen-toronto-phvw-vp~73826) [Traditional Kitchen[(https://www.houzz.com/photos/traditional-kitchen-ideas-phbr1-bp~t_709~s_2107) by Youngstown General Contractors Shannon Cabinetry with frosted glass or antiqued mirror doors like these: [[(https://www.houzz.com/photos/mill-valley-classic-cottage-victorian-kitchen-san-francisco-phvw-vp~1357985) [Transitional Kitchen[(https://www.houzz.com/photos/transitional-kitchen-ideas-phbr1-bp~t_709~s_2112) by Sausalito Architects & Designers Heydt Designs Next up is a 30" oven installed under the counter. Yes, it's lower than a wall oven but it's higher than an oven in a range and it's one way to gain more counter and that sounded like it was more of a priority for you than oven height. Next to the oven is a 36" range. Not sure if these two appliances can be installed side by side or if you'll need to add a 6" pull-out cab between them. If so, that would be a great place to store spices. Between the range and the must-stay wall are two 26" wide drawer cabs. I evenly divided the space. You should determine cab widths based on your needs. The fridge is on the other side of the must-stay wall. "b" is closed or open storage ala this inspiration pic I posted above: [[(https://www.houzz.com/photos/victorian-resurrection-victorian-dining-room-portland-phvw-vp~3003779) [Transitional Kitchen[(https://www.houzz.com/photos/transitional-kitchen-ideas-phbr1-bp~t_709~s_2112) by Portland Interior Designers & Decorators Vicki Simon Interior Design The island is 8' long and shifted slightly towards the window wall. There aren't any cabs opening into this aisle so a 39" aisle should be fine. The MW drawer is still across from the fridge. Not sure how you use your MW but if it's to reheat left-overs and such, this placement makes sense. I think there's enough room to have fridge doors and MW drawer open without hitting each other but if that's not the case and it's a concern, put the MW drawer in the range wall run next to the must-stay wall. I show an apron front sink in a 30" sink cab, gaining you a bit more cab and counter in the island. DW is where I showed it in my Plan A. Since the range has shifted towards the pantry (and back to being centered on the can light), these two appliances are no longer across from each other. You could still switch sink and DW placement but that will leave you with only 16.5" of counter next to the sink. I shifted the island 2" towards the DR, easing the pinch point you were concerned about by the fridge. This obviously reduces the aisle between island and DR wall but since you plan on enlarging the DR opening, this won't be an issue, IMO. Plus there are only 3 seats at the island, not 4, to avoid pinch points between island and DR wall. "d" is a 15" deep open shelving cabinet for cookbooks or display items like this: [[(https://www.houzz.com/photos/jordan-peterson-allied-member-asid-traditional-kitchen-omaha-phvw-vp~351956) [Traditional Kitchen[(https://www.houzz.com/photos/traditional-kitchen-ideas-phbr1-bp~t_709~s_2107) by Omaha Architects & Designers jordan peterson interior design You could also angle the corner of the island to give you more room between island and back door. Additionally, you could probably increase the counter overhang an inch or two more, or even three inches, depending on how wide the new DR opening will be. The island is all one level, btw. Lastly, "c" is your Command Central housed in a hutch-style cabinet like this: [[(https://www.houzz.com/photos/inverness-lakeside-cottage-traditional-dining-room-grand-rapids-phvw-vp~444626) [Traditional Dining Room[(https://www.houzz.com/photos/traditional-dining-room-ideas-phbr1-bp~t_722~s_2107) by Grand Rapids Architects & Designers Visbeen Architects It will provide a nice view from the DR.
...See More
toomuchglass
Original Author
16 years ago
The "home " would be a nursing home - I guess just for the elderly. ( This is just so new to me ) He's 91. He can't be on his own . He lives with DH & I & we're responsible for everything .DH works and hunts & fishes - I'm here 24/7 .
FIL has no posessions & gets a minimal
pension. I'll be honest here .... I'm on the highest dose of antidepressants that I get - my depression is severe. I've already been hospitalized once for it - I don't want to go back.
I hate to admit this - but last week I had a total breakdown .... Crying ,sobbing , pacing ,unable to sleep -- telling DH that I can't do this anymore. It took me days to recover from that episode. I called DH's brother , crying and begging for him to take his dad for a day . He took him for 4 hours.
Now - everything is on my shoulders ( like usual )
Isn't it that way for most women ?

Thank you both for your advice .
(((( Mikeandbarb )))
(((( Shambo ))))))

I know there's no miracle answer , but being able to post it here helps more than you can know . I'll keep on plugging away till I Can't anymore . Thank you everyone !
mikeandbarb
16 years ago
Then it is time for you to find him a good home. It will not be easy due to his finances. Your DH should be helping you also. It's so easy for men to just let thing's go till you back them into a corner and say no more. Sounds like everyone has left you holding the bag. Your the one that took over and took care and handled everything and they went on with their lives. I hope you can talk to your DH , just look him straight in the eyes and tell him no more you cannot take anymore and dad has to go into a home. If he does not like it to bad. He's not the one taking care of him. He doesn't have a clue what it put you through.
BTW, A nurse confused how much harder is was for her to care for her parents. You do have emotional bond that wears you down.
How long has your FIL lived with you? Are their any other sons or daughters? If you can I'd get the whole family together and tell them you cannot take care of your FIL any longer, WHAT are they going to do about it. Put it back into their court it's their father and they should be the ones helping to take care of dad. If they don't do anything SHAME on them but do not let them stop you. It does you nor your FIL any good.
Whenever you have the need to vent and spill your guts out, you can email me or post on here and let it rip. I know it helps to get it out. The best to you, be strong ant stand up for yourself.
agnespuffin
16 years ago
Check on getting him some sort of state aid to pay for the NH care. Then shop around to find a home that suits everyone, both you and him, the best. There may be a waiting list. Get his name on it. Then when the chance comes, you'll have everything ready.
shambo
16 years ago
Toomuch, my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how difficult this whole situation must be for you. I have a very limited experience having my 92 year old mother with us for just a few months, and it just about did me in. So I can certainly sympathize with you. Don't even consider feeling guilty about wanting to place you father-in-law in a skilled nursing facility. Your physical & emotional well being depend on it. The entire burden for his care should NOT rest on your shoulders alone.

As mikeandbarb said, feel free to come to this forum to vent or ask opinions. The members here have so many varied experiences and are a wonderful source of encouragement.
toomuchglass
Original Author
16 years ago
I'm learning alot here.The past 5 years started off ok ... but it's going downhill fast ! We're definately going to get him some state aid.

You know the funniest thing ?
I took all 3 of DH's brothers aside and told them what I'm planning on doing. Do you know what I heard ? Silence. Nothing. No offers to help. No Suggestions. No questions. That spoke volumes to me. It said that they got to be carefree for the last 5 years while "I" took care of things . Now THEY might have to get involved. I rained on their parade - and I'm HAPPY I did it ! LOL Thanks to all your suggestions - I'm growing a backbone !

*evil grin* & *wink* !!!
mikeandbarb
16 years ago
Good for you.....Men don't like to handle this type of thing and are all to happy to let anyone else do it.
This is a malfuntion in their brain. My DH will not handle this type of problem unless I make him. By making him I just tell him it has to be done, we can't just sit back and let it go.

You didn't say if the other brothers are married or not but if they are where are their wifes? Guess they are like the rest, just push it off to whoever will handle it.

I am very proud of you and you will be so much better once your FIL gets settled into a home.
You must be a very kind, caring person to have taken care of him this long.

My DH and I have gone round and round about me taking on gardening but I tell him it's all I have to relieve me of my stress. DH wants me to sit inside with him while he sits at the computer all day long....How boring is that LOL. he say's he wants to be with me.....I tell him come outside but I know he fears I'll put him to work.....and I would hehehe.
toomuchglass
Original Author
16 years ago
"There is a malfunction in their brain " Mikeandbarb - that had me ROFL !!!!
Gardening is a real stress reliever ... get DH out there & get dirty together !!!! You're like me - I'd have DH doing all kinds of stuff. I could point out a honey-do list a mile long .. that's probably why he stays in the house LOL

How do I break the news ?

Comments (9)

mikeandbarb

shambo

Related Discussions

toomuchglass
Original Author

mikeandbarb

agnespuffin

shambo

toomuchglass
Original Author

mikeandbarb

toomuchglass
Original Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

How do I break the news ?

Comments (9)

mikeandbarb

shambo

Related Discussions

toomuchglassOriginal Author

mikeandbarb

agnespuffin

shambo

toomuchglassOriginal Author

mikeandbarb

toomuchglassOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

toomuchglass
Original Author

toomuchglass
Original Author

toomuchglass
Original Author