Sounds to me like you need to get him out of Assisted Living and in to a long term care nursing home with an Alzheimers unit. Then you will not have to take him to appt's but rather you can meet him there because they will have transportation. Most AL places around here have transportation also so I guess I am having a hard time understanding how you can be paying the money and not getting anything for it. Look around for another place because as hard as it is, you have to face reality that your dad is only going to get worse. If he hauls off and punches someone at the AL place they will be telling you to move him so why not take the steps NOW and find a place that deals with Alzheimers.

I'm so sorry you had such a rough day. The problem is that there will be many similar days ahead. Linda has brought up some real concerns. From his recent behavior, I don't think you should risk even attempting to take him to a doctor appointment. Can you call the doctor he has the pacemaker appointment with and explain the situation? Maybe he could offer some advice or suggestions. What about the facility your dad is in now? Are they any help at all?

Is the facility strictly assisted living? Or does it also have a memory care wing? Or are the two services combined altogether? It sounds like your dad needs to be in a secure memory care unit that has trained personnel able to handle all stages of dementia. You also need some sort of transportation service for doctor appointments. Usually a facility aid will accompany the resident to the appointment too.

Also, if he's constantly complaining of chest pains, perhaps he needs to be in a skilled nursing facility (in the ALZ unit) where the staff is better able to monitor his health. I know he's probably just crying wolf right now, but with his CHF & pacemaker, he may need more medical oversight.

I know this is hard for you. Try to take care of yourself. Cut down your visits and give yourself a break. Do you have caller ID? If so, don't answer the phone when he calls. If he leaves a message, don't call him back. If you're really worried, just speak to the staff. You're not his puppet; don't let him manipulate you.

Barb, there are a lot of patients in Nursing Homes that don't have ANY family to take them to a doctor's office. It is not critical that his pacemaker be checked at certain intervals. Forget that appointment for a while.

I am confused. Is this the same AL that he was in when you first started posting? Or is it the one that you were thinking about moving him into? He really needs to be in a home where there will be no question about getting him to appointments. A staff doctor would be able to tell if he is getting along physically.

I know you mean well, but those snacks don't help him get used to depending on the home. They may make YOU feel as if you are making things better for him, but you really aren't.

No matter what you do or say, you can't make him the nice daddy that you think he should be. It's unlikely that he will ever tell you that you are a wonderful daughter and he's glad to be your father. So don't look for that to happen. As long he is at his present stage, he is always going to have a temper and will use it to try to control you. It is the responsibility of the home to control him. That's what you are paying them for. You shouldn't have to be concerned.

I hate to suggest this, but it seems to me that he needs a doctor that will prescibe medication that will make him more docile. That's another reason that he needs to be in a place that's used to handling patients such as he.

These years with increasing dementia and less control are very hard for the family to cope with. At some point, for your own well being, you will have to trust the staff of the home to make the decisions. If this home where he is now, cannot do it without your imput, move him to a place where they are used to handling this kind of dementia.

Barb, I think it's past time for you to start looking at this situation, not as a daughter, but as a person that has an obligation to another person.

It's easy to make things worse by doing what you think will make him happy. He's not going to be happy or content until his mind completly goes.

I disagree about snacks, one can't get the same stuff in a nursing home they were use to in their own home. I take stuff in all the time as do many of the families who have a loved one in the Alzhiemer unit. Just a little, like maybe one or two cookies, you get the idea, but it is a special treat not something that is to be done every time you go to see him.
He is not going to get better, he is not going to get his mind back so I agree with angespuffin, it is time for you to look at this in a whole new light. I also want to stress again that he needs to be in a place that is secure and where they are TRAINED to handle Alzheimer patients. If you want him to be happier then put him in a qualified place where they can treat him and make him comfortable. Plus you will feel a huge relief when you know that ALL his needs are being met, including transportation to doctors and such.

Linda has a point about the snacks. When a patient is used to a NH, then the snack is a great thing to lift the spirits a little. My point is that, right now, when he is so adamant in wanting to leave, bringing him something special merely reinforces his desire to leave. It reminds him that he still has a means to control you. He understands that you are trying to please him and to make him happier.

I agree he needs more care than the AL can give him. Every care home my husband was in had home doctors who made visits to the home every week and the home also had transportation. If he is an Alzheimer's unit, you should not have to do anything regarding his care except visit. If he doesn't treat you right don't visit for awhile, screen your calls and don't answer his. I know that sounds cruel, but your health is at risk here and your life is just as important as his. I know I have been there, but I was lucky my husband thought the home was "his" home and never ask to go home. I was having problem with my eyes, but the eye doctor said the problems weren't about my eyes, but about vascular problems in the brain. He said if I didn't relieve my stress I would die then who would take care of my husband.

The other place I looked into did not go through, they are not a lock down home.
The home does have a doctor come in once a week but they don't handle care for thing's like dads pacemaker. It is very important he get it checked from what I understand. I'll have to look at other places and see what I can find. I know he's not going to be happy anywhere he is placed but I need some place that can handle all his needs.
I know some places will give them something for depression but I think it's against the law to give them something to make them mellow. As thing's are right now it would make it easier.

He cannot dial the phone he does not remember my phone number, it is the home that calls me for him. I guess they cannot by law denied them their right to call a family member or at least the care giver.
I have been told that I didn't have to call back and talk to him.
He has told me so many stories that you wouldn't know the truth if it hit you in the head. His best line is ..you would not believe what goes on in here or if you seen what goes on you'd take me out of here right now. This much I know I have to be careful and not judge the place with what he's telling me.
I've been there quite a bit and seen nothing wrong with the place, it's just hard for him seeing others that are farther into dementia than he is but I don't think is realizes what's wrong with them, he just thinks they are crazy, telling me one does this and another does that.

I have time to find another place and will start looking first thing tomorrow, this will give me time to choose from what I think will met both our needs.

Thanks for being here for me, Barb

Nothing worked for my husband, all made him hyper.