Scotland, it helps to get it out, doesn't it! One thing for sure, there is no one here that doesn't know what you are talking about. Dementia wears many different faces. At least, you don't have to worry about his driving now. He'll settle down more and more as time passes. Perhaps if you didn't take him out for several weeks, he might adjust better. Routine is very important. Taking him out of it may be a little more upsetting than you may think.

I completly overlooked your father's age. That's so sad. I can imagine how he felt as he saw his independence slipping away while other men his age were still going strong with few, if any problems. It's hard to say how fast he will go down. Instead of bringing him to your home, is it anyway that you could just go and spend the day with him, maybe take him out to lunch???? It might be easier on him. The long ride might be tiring him out.

I've tried not visiting for three or four weeks, and I go up once or twice a month to take him out for supper. No change in behavior. The ride to my house doesn't tire him out. Physically, he's healthier now than he's been for three years. I get the general impression that he doesn't get agitated at the assisted living facility, only with my brother and I. He's obsessed with regaining his independence. Who can blame him? He's been dealt a bad hand, and he's coping with it far more gracefully than I would.

I've been dealing with Mum's desire to "reclaim" her former independence, too, Scotland! It's been really tough for me.

We went to my favorite aunt's funeral a couple of weeks ago. Mum is the last one of her age group standing. She enjoyed seeing her neices and nephews and people who were part of her circle. The visit to her home, however, brought on all sorts of "issues" I've been dreading. Her complete lack of planning for the dissolution of her estate was very clear to her. (In fact, she was stubbornly unwilling to address ANY of those important issues before her cancer was diagnosed!).

She was all jazzed up to "sell things"; her way of trying to mop up the mess she left for my brother and me. "Those are really quite valuable, you know", "I have someone in mind for that table over there..." (the "someone" wasn't my brother or me and the table in question was the dining room table! and the silverware she was so hot to "sell" was our paternal grandmother's set).

My brother coolly asked her how she was going to go about "selling things"; "I'll have a yard sale". "How are you going to organize it from 70 miles away?" "I'll have to come up here and stay for a few days". Of course she can't do that. She can't cook for herself, remember her pills or take care of her urostomy by herself... she wasn't really capable of really grasping the extent of her inability to be self-sufficient. It was wrenching to watch. But we were brutally honest with her about what was going to happen to things. She was told, unequivocally, that her unwillingness to get it done when she was able meant that WE would take care of it now. She would participate, but she would NOT be "in charge".

My brother and I have spent the past 2 years getting her estate in order; isolating valuable assets and establishing powers of attorney for both legal and medical situations. It hasn't been easy, let me tell you! Painful though it may have been for her, she has to know that she's "off the case"... she dilly-dalleyed too long and neither my brother nor I have the time or inclination to be pulled through a knothole because she was unwilling to "take care of details". PERIOD.

I thought I was going to lose my mind the weekend of the funeral. My brother, more removed from her daily care than I am, offered some excellent ways to "deal with her". It's helped immeasurably and I'm looking forward to another 2-3 weeks "off" while she stays with him.

It's hard. I sympathize, and can offer little more than my own stories... hang in there.