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I am just so tired.

Posted by sandiefl (My Page) on
Wed, Sep 29, 10 at 19:52

I have been caregiver for my family for years. My Mom died 15 years ago. She was on oxygen for the last two years of her life. She lived with m Dad and my brother. I tried to get her to move in with my husband and I but she wouldn't. We lived near so I would send meals and call her constantly. I would go over on weekends and clean house. At the end she finally came to stay with us. It was my birthday. I spent the whole night laying in bed with her and we talked so much. Early that morning she suffered a stroke. We had to call the ambulance and she was on a ventilator for 10 days before she died. She was on so many medications that the ER doctor could not believe them. Also, they think the stress of leaving her home caused the stroke.

My Dad was diabetic. I took care of him for many ears.Then we had to sell our home and we did not want to live in Orlando. So we bought a home over here, and my Dad and brother moved in with us. My sister said that when my brother got a job over here, she would help him find an apartment. He has never lived alone. He sat home and played on the computer for an entire year, only going out on a job interview to keep his unemployment. My nephew already had a job lined up for him,but he said it "it wasn't his bag." My husband and I have taken care of my Mom,Dad and brother for the 46 years we have been married. I have a sister who lives in the same city and a brother who lives out of state.We took care of my Dad until he had his leg amputated and we could no longer lift him and give him the care he needed. During this time I had breast cancer and my husband had triple bypass. We finally had to put Dad in a nursing home. He lived for two years. We visited everyday. My brother would go over and ogle the nurses, eat the food that Dad didn't and then leave him alone and go out on the patio with his "buds".This summer Ken, the brother, hurt his back. He has been out of work since April. He is probably going to lose his job. He has no way to live on his own. He is bouncing checks, spending money on stupid things that he can't afford and certainly doesn't need. When he was in the hospital they suggested that he go to a rehab. No way, those people in the nursing home killed his Dad. But he spent months going over there after Dad died.He used to pay us room and board, but that hasn't happened in months. Now we even have to buy his groceries. He gets SS, that started in May. Because he wouldn't listen to my husband and did it on line, he messed up and missed March and April. Then he wws getting disability but again, my husband told him that he would have to pay the premium. The company doesn't pay if you are getting disability. So his insurance was cancelled. Then he sent them a second check to be reinstated.He did not void the first one. I just went through my second bout of Cancer, just found out that my husband might have lung cancer. My sister and other brother are diabetics and both have lung disease and are on oxygen. They can't help, but I just want to have a few years with my husband and I being able to live as a couple. I can't even tell you all of the reasons why Ken is my worst nightmare. All I hear is that you are your brother's keeper. I know that I should not resent him so much, but I am just so tired of living with him. At first I thought that I would just type this and get it out of my system. I just don't have anyone else to talk to and maybe someone might have some suggestions.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: I am just so tired.

You're entitled to your own lives. You don't owe these services to your brother or anyone else. Suggest getting him out of your house and take your lives back. You have enough on your plate without this.

"Your brother's keeper?" Tell those folks to take him in themselves or butt-out.

May be a hard decision but, from what you've written, should have been taken long ago. Cut the cord.

What will he do? His issue....not yours.


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RE: I am just so tired.

Definitely time to cut the cord!! The more you give to Ken the more he's gonna take.. Time to tell Ken to grow up & get his life together..

You NEED to take of yourself & you husband, otherwise you're going to be in the hospital with a nervous breakdown trying to look after everyone..

Like asolo said it's his issue NOT yours..

Best of luck & post as often as needed..


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RE: I am just so tired.

Dear: I don't know how religious you are, but even The God of the Bible had His limits. He would give a person, a family/tribe, or a Nation so many chances and then turn them lose to follow after their own way.

In the 1980's a wave of personal responsibility went through the US encouraging parents of "children" with addictions, habits, or irresponsibility to mature-up/harden -up/straighten-up and let the individual pursue their lifestyle choices far enough away that their choices were no longer a concern in the mature person's daily life routine. It was called the "Tough Love" movement.

Alcoholics Anonymous has a term called an ENABLER. This means you are making it easier for a person to continue in their bad choices, by protecting their health/safety more then they themselves does, covering for them to others, making excuses for their behavior, and providing a safe/comfortable place for them to practice their unhealthy choices. You might have slipped from helping to Enabling.

The only way to stop being an Enabler is to follow the age old practice of "Tough Love". Then you can begin to live your life. There are better plans in life for you then to be an Enabler.

I've grown up hearing the old saying: Life can not work on the person inside until the people outside let them stand on their own.

It's time to stop fixing someone's life who refuses to fix their own and time to start living yours

Hope you love the one who stands beside you more then you do the one who drags you down.


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RE: I am just so tired.

sandiefl... I can't add to all of the above posts anymore - they gave wonderful advice but I do want to say this:

You are a saint. You must be a wonderful person and you deserve to be happy, along with your husband.

Please get well and take the above advice - "tough love" - yes, I remember that phrase - it has to be done. You've done enough, it's time for you.

Carrie


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RE: I am just so tired.

In the long run, you are not helping your brother, you are enabling his harmful lifestyle. Now that he has a steady income, you need to develop a plan for getting him out of your house. Sit down with a piece of paper in front of you and - with or without him - make that plan.


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RE: I am just so tired.

I would imagine you are VERY tired. You have been given some wonderful advice. He needs to go, and you need to live your life and take care of YOU. You have been a wonderful person for dealing with all this for so long and you will still be a wonderful person when you tell him he has to go. No guilt. Good luck and take care.


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RE: I am just so tired.

tell your brother to go online and sign up for housing, if he gets ssi and disability he can get housing and probably foodstamps too. you have done your part and your brother needs to get his stuff together. If hes afraid of living alone they can set him up with a roommate, there are so many options. Live your life!!!Enjoy your time with your husband and tell your brother he has xxx to get his stuff together and find his own place. You have been the caretaker for far too long and now its time to take care of yourself and husband.


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