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I got the call

Posted by Mimi427 (My Page) on
Thu, Sep 22, 05 at 13:01

The nursing home called; they have a room available for mom. I have 24 hours to make my decision. The room will be available in about a week.
I have been struggling with this for several weeks, since I visited some facilities and filled out the admissions form...when is the right time. I have felt so guilty even thinking about placing her, even though a lot of you have helped me so much, sharing your experiences and knowledge and I do realize that there probably isn't a "right" time. I'm never going to get it perfect. I think what I've been trying to avoid is that period of adjustment for her, and quite honestly, me having to go through it with her. I know there's no avoiding it, no sense putting it off.
What I found so strange is the night before last, I put mom to bed and went outside to have my nightly smoke and talk with God and my dad (dad died 41 years ago)...I'm not a religious person, but since mom's been with me I do this...I guess I'm looking for some guidance. In any case, there I was asking them to help me make a decision, to somehow let me know that what I'm planning to do is the right thing. Yesterday, I was in my office working, bent over to pick up a pen and my back went out...pain like I've never had before, although I've had back problems for years. So I manage to crawl into bed after taking musle relaxers and pain meds and while floating thru the afternoon, I realize that maybe I'm getting my message from God, maybe he's telling me it's time, you can't do this anymore. Then today, I get a call from the nursing home telling me a room is available...
I have made my decision. I know in my heart that she will receive the care she needs there and that I can't do this any longer...I'm just praying now for the strength to go through with this...I just needed to share this with all of you,
Mimi


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: I got the call

Mimi, you have had more "signs" than most of us ever get!

It's the right thing to do, and your opportunity is now. We'll never know what a right "time" is, any of us. But we are all behind you on this one.

Take a deep breath. Everything will be fine.

Hugs,
Helene


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RE: I got the call

Hello, Mimi...I replied to your last email, hope you received it...Honestly, Honey...these awful days will pass, you'll both adjust to your new circumstances, and your visits will take on a whole new 'personality'! You'll enjoy each other's company, rather than just looking after her needs. I'm very pleased you stuck by your decision and received a 'sign' that this was right and good.

You have some difficult days ahead, Mimi, no doubt about it. But just like all those times I came on here and typed and wept, and received comfort, so shall you.

We're here....

Blessings
Linda


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RE: I got the call

Mimi, You have done your homework and found a place for your Mom that will give the care she needs, while treating her with kindness and respect. Accept that choices must be made that were not part of the original gameplan. I agonized over having to move my Mom out of my home, and felt as though I had reneged on my promise to care for her. I know now that I made the right choice, and our visits are more meaningful and loving than ever. And the bevy of professionals who care for her are able to keep her happy and comfortable while I am at work, and have relieved the exhaustion and anxiety I had felt for the last few years. My whole family is better off for the choice. I trust all will go well for you, too. Take care of your back...we only get one to use for our whole lifetime! Tonight, when I go out on the patio to smoke, talk to God and my Dad (who died 36 years ago)...I will add a prayer for you and your Mom.
SLCSue


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RE: I got the call

Oh, my! Mimi, I am sure that getting your back out of whack wasn't exactly the kind of message that you were expecting, but it showed you the way. Give thanks that it happened at a time when you had things set up the way you wanted them. Emergency admissions to Nursing Homes don't always work out well. This will be rough on you for a while and she may seem to be very unhappy at first, but trust us, she will adapt.
Frog


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RE: I got the call

Mimi, my heart goes out to you. I know how difficult this is. But I look back on last year and I know I never could have taken care of my mother at home. I really think it was divine intervention the way it all happened, because God knew I would never have been able to make a conscious decision to put her into a nursing home, given the viewpoint I had at the time. So instead, when I had scheduled knee surgery, she got a blood clot in her leg, had to stay in the hospital, and then I asked if she could go to a short-term rehab as I was still pretty much incapacitated. I vividly remember sleeping on my couch in the days following my surgery and thinking, well I better rest up because I won't have this opportunity next weekend.

If I had tried to keep her at home, I surely would have compromised both my health and hers, as well as her safety. I had NO help, as I'm an only child and Mom only had one surviving sibling, who would not have been able to help.


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RE: I got the call

Mimi, I certainly hope that you are feeling better today.
Froggy


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RE: I got the call

I'm not sure what "feeling better" is...things are going from bad to worse...after spending the better part of yesterday trying to make arrangements,scheduling a mover, etc and working ten hours, and then telling mom's aide this morning that next week will be her last week, I get a call from one of my sisters that she just "can't handle putting mom in a nursing home now", so she has decided to take her in. Yes, I am mom's POA and could override her decision, but in my heart, I cannot. She is still my sister's mother and I guess I have to consider her feelings, even though she's been pretty scarce for the past 10 1/2 months. Maybe I should be happy, but my head is pounding right now, not to mention my back. She's coming here this afternoon to talk to mom, to give her a choice. She's telling her that I can no longer take care of her, given my bad back and she can either go live with her or go to "a very nice place" to live, not mentioning a nursing home. Right or wrong, I'm staying out of it...I don't think I can handle much more.
As far as therapy, you bet I'm going and have been for about 3 or 4 months...I have an appt tomorrow and can't wait. On top of it all, my kitchen floor is being replaced today...ripping out everything including the floor boards...the noise is unbelievable and my mother can't tolerate noise...need I say anything else?


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RE: I got the call

Oh dear!! This might turn out for the best. This way, your sister will decide and she will feel better about it. Otherwise, she might resent your actions. Your mother will probably understand and more easily accept going to the NH "until you get back on your feet." By the time that happens, she will probably be all settled in.
Take care of yourself
Frog


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RE: I got the call

Actually, yesterday went better than I could have ever imagined. When my sister talked to mom about her choices of where to live, her house or going to a "nice place to live", she naturally chose my sister's. She did feel bad that I've been in so much pain (I have hidden it from her) and asked me several times if she's been a burden. I assured her over and over she has not, that it's just my lousy back and no fault of hers. My sister left, my husband and I took mom out for dinner and she started to talk about the move saying she was looking forward to it, since she'll be closer to a few friends and can now visit them and also go to my sister's store -she owns a Hallmark, where my mom used to work a couple days a week. So, I went along with all of it, encouraging her, so she's actually looking forward to it. Unbelievable, I would have never guessed this reaction, so I'm very happy for mom. As far as my sister, I guess Frog, you are right, she needs to care for mom herself to realize.
And me? I know I'll be okay. I am so fortunate to have found such a wonderful therapist that's been helping these past several months. She did mention to me that I may have some rocky times once mom leaves with different feelings, but I'll work them out.


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RE: I got the call

It sounds as if things are getting on the right track for everyone. It may be that a change of scenery will make her easier to handle. Sometimes this sort of change is just what they need. So don't be surprised if she behaves herself so well that your sister will wonder why you had such a time. But soon, she WILL understand as things will continue to go downhill.
Frog


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RE: I got the call

Wow, Mimi, what a few days you've had! You and your mom will will enjoy the change. You need and deserve a break. I wonder how long it will take for you mom to get all settled in and for the honeymoon with your sister to be over. You might want to put your mom back on the waiting list at that "nice place to live". If your mom's been getting scarier, you'll need a plan B if she continues to decline. Take care of yourself! And no guilt! Your mother is fortunate to have such a devoted daughter.


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RE: I got the call

Mimi, I can hardly keep up! What a roller-coaster you've been on! I pray this works out for the best for you, your Mom and your sister.
Now go do something good for YOU!
Blessings
Linda


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RE: I got the call

I can barely keep up myself. Honestly, I am struggling with so much resentment, anger, rage, call it what you want towards my sister. Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather see my mom live with her than in a NH, but I'm still not past "where the heck have you been in the past 11 months?" And now, she won't commit to a moving date. I'd love some input from you, my friends. She's having a chair lift installed because mom can't walk the full staircase to the second floor where her bedroom will be and she doesn't know when that installation will take place. Their first appt is tomorrow. In the meantime,I had everything set to go, as far as getting myself prepared mentally for mom to go to the NH, movers, deposit on her room, etc. Then DS steps in at the eleventh hour (literally) and says I'll take her, but I'm not sure when. Well, DS has a master suite on the first floor which would be perfect for mom...separate walk in shower and bath tub, toilet, sink, etc. Why can't DS give up her bedroom for a few weeks? As far as holding a room for mom at the Lieberman Center, I do have her name on the "hold" list, which means they wait to hear from me, and then put her back on the active list, but who knows if they'll have a room at the time when we need it? I am very conflicted; I just feel as if the rug's been pulled out from under me. I don't like this not knowing when this move will take place.
Also, mom's excitement diminished quickly, in fact, after the first nite. Now all she does is ask me questions...when am I moving? what can I take with? And there's a look on her face of anxiousness. This is not fair to mom or me. I decided to write DS an email this morning and told her that I have not canceled the movers that I had set up for mom to go to the NH for Monday Oct 3. I feel that even if the chair lift is not there by then, mom can still move in and DS can give up her bedroom for a few days or a few weeks...I gave up a whole lot more over the past year. Don't get me wrong; I did it willingly and with much love, but now, I am just at a breaking point and I need this to happen now...


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RE: I got the call

What is it with siblings? My DB was a huge problem towards the end of my mother's life. I completely agreed with you that your DS should go ahead and move your mom. Something like this is a huge big deal for your mother, and she's going to worry and obsess about it until after it happens. Not to mention that you've reached a point where you can't physically care for your mom. Egads! How on earth does your sister think it's possible for you to continue to care for your mom with your back giving you fits? Sorry, I know I'm yapping like a small dog. Your situation is hard enough without your DS making it more difficult. Good for you not cancelling the movers!


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RE: I got the call

Oh Mimi, this is terrible, for both you and your mother. I wish I had some words of advice, but being an only child I never had to deal with siblings. I sometimes thought I would have liked one, to help with the hard stuff when a parent gets sick, but time and again I've seen with various friends that there always seems to be ONE sibling who ends up doing most of the work. You are that one sibling, unfortunately. And what is really sad is that your mother may have to move again at some point, this time into a care facility, as her disease progresses and your sister realizes the enormity of the task to which she has committed herself.


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RE: I got the call

Stick to your guns. You will move her Oct.3rd. Where to will be up to your sister. She may be having second thoughts about taking her.


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RE: I got the call

I agree----- make your plans to move her on Oct. 3rd. Somehow I get the idea that your dear sister will make you twist in the wind a lot more if you don't stand up to your own plans anyway.

Helene


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RE: I got the call

I agree, make the move on October 3, to the NH. She'll do fine there, and the time you spend with her will be less stressful for both of you. Your DS will probably be shocked at the price of that stairlift, and may delay for too long.

These moves can be very hard for older people, it's better she only make one move, to the NH, and make it next week. You've been providing the care, you get to make the decision. Your mother's anxiety will only get worse, so things need to be settled for her, too.

Good luck.


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RE: I got the call

I agree with all of you, and I am my mom's POA, so I can make these decisions, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to back down on this one. My DS called today and pleaded with me to wait one more week. The chair lift company is coming out tomorrow and promised to have it installed within 7 to 10 days. So we agreed to a move date of Sun Oct 8; I can live with that. As much as I have tried to share with her my experience as a caregiver to mom, and have pleaded with her to read the literature, go to on line support groups, etc, she has not. She feels this is something she needs to do for mom. She is hoping that she can keep mom at her home until she is in end stage and by then, it may not matter how many moves she has to make. My concern is that DS won't last that long. When I first took mom in, I had every intention of caring for her until end stage, never reallizing that I may be making changes based on my well being, not mom's. If it weren't for therapy, I wouldn't be strong enough to have made the decision of a NH. I really believe my DS does love mom very much; I just don't know if she understands what is best for her. She has such a lousy attitude towards NHs. She wouldn't even go to the one I had picked for mom. As a lot of you know, there are good homes, with good caregivers and I'm sure that the Lieberman Center is one of them. I've spoken to several people who have family there and they are all very happy with the place. But, I'm going to let this happen. I will get my life back and try to get my physical well being as well as my mental well being back, and mom will be happy living with her daughter. I just hope that it can work out for a while so that she is not moved too soon...one can only hope...thank all of you, once again...you are all so awesome, you're always here, ready to support each other and share your information and experiences. I appreciate all of you very, very much, Mimi


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Mimi,
You are such a caring daughter, and I know you have made the choice wisely and with much soul-searching. Things will need to be flexible for the future, but your DS will have a chance to care for her Mom, understand a lot more of what you have been through, and your shared experiences on this journey will make precious memories. Know we are all thinking of you and your family.
SLCSue


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RE: I got the call

Firstly Mimi how are you today? (i've been reading but not posting, had a very,very, small stroke last week, but don't worry about me, i'm fine except for 2 fingers not moving!). how is your back? Aren't relatives fun, but again i agree with PB, if you remember when Al was supposed to go into long term care (just at the bottom of the street from us), i decided no i can't do this, and HIS relatives said oh Debbie we'll be there for you all the time, don't worry about a thing, it seems with this family if you are not in the hospital and speak like you always do everything is just fine! last time i saw Al's mother was about the 18th of july, his sister the same day and the other sister from out of town the same day for 20 minutes. i have heard excuses of oh i have sprained this that and other thing, i have mono and everyother sickness you can think of just so they don't have to come over and God forbid give me a break! on the other hand i just don't know how a mother (Al's) can be like that to child, i know i'd be there wanted or not. when Al's sister and mother come over for those few minutes they act like they have been along this road all the time when they leave we refer to them as the "Hero's". as many of you know i always go with my heart, and from experience promises are always broken. Mimi, my dear,dear friend i wouldn't want to be you right now, what with you being ill yourself and trying to do the right thing, but i would probably not change the moving date or anything. debbie


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Debby...a mini stroke? OMG...no big thing???? That IS a big thing and I'm worried about you. Knowing how you are for Al and the time you give to him and your kids...I know I you know this, but you need to HEAR it again...please please please take care of yourself...please!!!
OH Deb, I know about Al's family, especially his mom and it just makes me furious how they can just stand by and watch. You know, I'm a big believer in "what goes around, comes around"...call it Karma, whatever...and it's not that I wish any harm on anyone...well, you know what I mean. I'll just never ever understand how some can just stand by and watch...I'll never get it...and please, my friend, please take some time for you.....Mimi


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RE: I got the call

Hi Mimi! I'm just checking in on you how is your back? are you getting alot of relax time 00 i know easier said than done, i think the mental stress is alot more harder than the physical, don't you? ne i think i have learnt my lesson the hard way, but have found out what a wonderful little family i have, they certainly have been treating me like a queen! So let us all know how you are today!! Gloomy dark fall day and only 45!!! glad i get to relax in bed and read!!! debbie


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RE: I got the call

Hi Debbie,
Thanks for thinking about me...my back is not great...but at least it doesn't bother me when I'm sitting or lying down, so I can work, thank goodness. I'm just struggling with helping mom, but I just need to hang on for another week. You are so lucky to have such a good family, but you know, they've had a very good teacher. My children are grown and gone...three boys all living in other states. My "children" now are my beloved dogs and I never got around to training them to help me out; in fact, they prefer to be waited on too : ) ...
It's definitely Fall in Chicago too...been cold and rainy all week, but today it's in low 70's and sunny and it is absolutely beautiful. I LOVE Fall, my favorite season.
I'm glad you're taking care of yourself..... I hope everyone has a great weekend...be well, Mimi


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