Caregiver for Husband with dementia
drakelady
16 years ago
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Comments (19)
agnespuffin
16 years agopfllh
16 years agoRelated Discussions
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Comments (23)You have to have a schedule and you have to adhere to it as best you're able. Sounds really draconian, but it isn't. It's the schedule that will keep an elderly person on course (esp. if they are losing mental capability), allow you to accomplish that which you must do, AND schedule help/respite. Help/respite. You must have this. Trust me on this. I have had Mum with me for nearly 3 years now. For fully 2 of them I did it alone. After her stroke I knew she was no longer able to bathe alone. I hired a woman to come in thrice weekly and assist her. Smartest thing I've done in a long time! I don't have to do it, it accords Mum some privacy, and she has another person with whom to interact. I calmly told my brother he had to step up to the plate and do some caregiving, too. It wasn't fair that I gave up my former life and he had to give up nothing. He now takes her for a month at a time; usually every 2-3 months. I'm OK with that arrangement; but know if he scheduled a "bath lady" it would be easier for him to take her more frequently. Try to incorporate them into your daily errands. I pack Mum into the car (along with the dog) and she "rides shotgun". She is perfectly happy to go for a ride, wait in the car in the sunshine while I dash into one place or another... sometimes she wants to go in, too... so I usually allot enough time. If I haven't, I simply say, "No" and explain why. I will grab her a "treat" if she must wait in the car. I make sure we get out to do something "fun" at the next opportunity. It takes practice to venture out with an elderly, infirm person. You will learn the places that easy to access, have comfortable bathrooms, have help that is willing to move slowly and patiently with the elderly. Mum goes every month for a shampoo/haircut/manicure. The woman is a delight; warm, patient, and gives Mum her undivided attention. We are "regulars" at several establishments BECAUSE they are willing to make time for a slow, old woman. It's hard work; not always fun. I miss my freedom terribly, if you want to know the truth. But I can do this and feel it is important for me to do it. She ain't gonna live forever, afterall. (Hi Connie!)...See MoreYour favorite interactive online caregiver forums?
Comments (5)If I may speak for myself, the site I posted (my blog for caregivers) is not for profit, not for fame, not for any personal gain, ever. I write to share with others and provide a forum for discussion. Most of the people who comment on my blog also have nonprofit caregiving sites and I support their work as well. If you can find anyone profitting or spamming from the link I provided, I NEED to know, because that is not my intention and I will end it immediately. I'm the author and am responsible for all the content. Its integrity is very important to me. Thanks for listening!...See MoreDementia/Alzheimer's
Comments (17)You have a challenge for sure and yes some things need to be done. But a little dust in the home isn't something I'd jump up and down about when he's out driving. Establish your priorities. First things first. Laws of course vary from state to state so you need to do some research. Here in MN, a guardianship is not an easy thing to get. A Conservatorship is far easier and gives most of the power that would be needed here from your description so far. It would enable you to help with finances, etc. I'm not sure what your "draft" system is, I'm assuming it's some sort of an automatic bill payment. That can be OK if someone is monitoring it. He's still going to be susceptible to the phone scams, disreputable family members, neighbors, and others who prey on this type. Driving. You should get a statement from the doctor on his ability to drive. Put it in the doctor's lap if possible. I don't know his driving habits or anything but hitting a kid or getting lost are real possibilities. Even contacting the DMV seems extreme but a lot of people simply shouldn't be on the road and they can help evaluate. My dad went through it as did a good friend. Another friend was forced into it when his mother took his (these days you have to say) "challenged" daughter and disappeared. They were going to the store and she got lost. We had everyone we knew out searching for them, police and highway patrol were alerted. This was before cell phones were so cheap that everyone had them so there was an extra challenge there too. They were found, pulled over on a freeway ramp. That was enough to get him to pull the keys and take away the car. My dad was the same way, attitude-wise. Nobody's gonna tell HIM what to do! You need to approach it like handling a kid at times to avoid tantrums. One way that helps is to make them think it's their idea. "You wanted me to remind you to make the appointment" or "That was a good idea to get that checked out, you should do that right now. We'll go do it and stop for lunch afterward" or whatever works with him. My sister and I would go over and do some cleaning while he was gone. A lot of times he wouldn't notice it, which was all the better. I'd stop and mow while he was sleeping or gone. At first it really angered him but then it wasn't too bad. He started getting used to it. Otherwise, the suggestion to go in a group, even 2 or 3 is good, and 1 or 2 keep him occupied while other(s) tend to some things and rotate out. The biggest thing is to get it started and go. It has to be done and putting it off isn't going to make it better or easier for anyone. The optimist in me wants to point out this can even be a positive experience. Spending time with them while you can is enjoyable for both. Take a recorder and get him to tell stories, family history and the like. It also exercises their minds a bit. The recordings later will likely be treasured. Assisted living is nice, but around here, I doubt he'd be allowed into assisted living. Much depends on the local definition. Here, you have to be able to care for yourself for the most part. If his mind is going, he's going to be sent to a nursing home around here. Assisted living is exactly that, an assist. They'll give you the option to eat in the dining room, the option to have someone do light cleaning, the option to have someone wash clothes, etc. If he needs physical therapy or something, that is not part of assisted living. If you cause any trouble for any other residents, you're out. They do not have people who check on you daily, care for you, etc. It's an apartment with amenities for people who are having trouble, but it's NOT a nursing home and they're not about to become one. Went through that with my one aunt. They were patient with her and she became good friends with the administrator so they let her stay there longer than most but she was bumped to the nursing area when she was having troubles. An old GF's uncle was in a fabulous one in Eau Claire. I'd love to move into that place! Price was very reasonable there too. But there too, it's assisted living, not for someone who needs advanced care. So do some research on that before assuming things. Good luck....See MoreSevere dementia in several weeks
Comments (7)If it's the Alzheimer's form of dementia - and no way to know absolutely until an autopsy - it would be "early onset" which strikes at @65 or younger. That presents a whole different scene than deepening into the disease/condition gradually over a period of years. My Mother had Alzheimer's, but didn't present until she was into her 80's and lived to be 92. Her descent was gradual although unmistakable. She started off on Galantamine which slowed the observable things for a while - the disease was still progressing under the masking effect of the drug - then added Namenda. We stopped the Namenda since she said it made the top of her head hurt. We couldn't bear the thought of adding discomfort to what she was already going through. If there's a support group sponsored by the Alzheimer's Assn. in your area, they're quite helpful with information - especially for the caregivers, have references to available services and let you know you're not alone....See Moresistersunnie
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