When my sister and I were dealing with our father long distance, she found a terrific book that we both bought and used: "How to Care for Aging Parents," by Virginia Morris. We were so lucky that he could afford caregivers at home and that we had wonderful contacts in the town where he lived (where we grew up). Here's another tip: call your local office of Council on Aging and ask to speak to a staff member. Those professionals are an incredible resource for all sorts of issues, including Medicare, Medicare Part D (the Medicare drug plan), plus lots of other problems you may have in dealing with elderly parents or other loved ones, whether around the corner or across the country.

You have to have a schedule and you have to adhere to it as best you're able. Sounds really draconian, but it isn't. It's the schedule that will keep an elderly person on course (esp. if they are losing mental capability), allow you to accomplish that which you must do, AND schedule help/respite. Help/respite. You must have this. Trust me on this. I have had Mum with me for nearly 3 years now. For fully 2 of them I did it alone. After her stroke I knew she was no longer able to bathe alone. I hired a woman to come in thrice weekly and assist her. Smartest thing I've done in a long time! I don't have to do it, it accords Mum some privacy, and she has another person with whom to interact. I calmly told my brother he had to step up to the plate and do some caregiving, too. It wasn't fair that I gave up my former life and he had to give up nothing. He now takes her for a month at a time; usually every 2-3 months. I'm OK with that arrangement; but know if he scheduled a "bath lady" it would be easier for him to take her more frequently. Try to incorporate them into your daily errands. I pack Mum into the car (along with the dog) and she "rides shotgun". She is perfectly happy to go for a ride, wait in the car in the sunshine while I dash into one place or another... sometimes she wants to go in, too... so I usually allot enough time. If I haven't, I simply say, "No" and explain why. I will grab her a "treat" if she must wait in the car. I make sure we get out to do something "fun" at the next opportunity. It takes practice to venture out with an elderly, infirm person. You will learn the places that easy to access, have comfortable bathrooms, have help that is willing to move slowly and patiently with the elderly. Mum goes every month for a shampoo/haircut/manicure. The woman is a delight; warm, patient, and gives Mum her undivided attention. We are "regulars" at several establishments BECAUSE they are willing to make time for a slow, old woman. It's hard work; not always fun. I miss my freedom terribly, if you want to know the truth. But I can do this and feel it is important for me to do it. She ain't gonna live forever, afterall. (Hi Connie!)

sweet & sad - I see it first hand - my Dad retired at 62 to improve the quality of Mom's life (he is now 94) - she has MS and is in the dementia stage most of the time. He has spent the last 32 years of his life seeing to her needs. She is now 90 - they have full time live in help as he has high BP, high cholesterol, type II diabetes, neoropathy in his feet but he still is keeping her in their home, rather than putting her in a nursing home. Carolyn

move on