It will be here, not my SIL's city, because she is kind of afraid of SIL and more comfortable with us, and also because it isn't quite as cold here, and she has arthritis and suffers in the cold.

Last time she was here, we happened to pass the new (gorgeous) senior apartments where our best friends' mom just moved and pointed it out so she could see it and then have a mental picture of how nice it is in case she ever had to move here suddenly (like a stroke or something) -- we wanted her not to feel like she was coming to some awful warehouse or dreary medical facility. Actually, it's fantastic; I just hope we can afford it. We assured her that she could afford it, but the truth is she will be able to because we will subsidize it. If we're lucky, SIL will pitch in, but I won't count on it.

Well, THAT sure worked -- we didn't expect her to make short-term plans, but our daughter just went to visit her and came back with the report that that's pretty much all she talked about.

So be it. As my own mom pointed out, it was probably going to happen eventually anyway, so it's really just that it is sooner than we'd envisioned.

I am bracing myself, because I know it will be difficult in some ways and irritating in others (you should have seen the expression on my husband's face -- and she's HIS mom). She's a good person, she just can be very silly about nonsense and make a huge fuss over EVERYTHING all the time. It's nothing awful or mean, it just wears everyone out -- kind of a "no good deed goes unpunished" thing. And fortunately, when it's actually something that really is important, she isn't silly at all -- she is a real grown up who steps up to the plate and does great. We do love her a lot. Still, I have always dreaded living in the same city with her.

I am so glad that I read so many posts about mothers in law on these forums over the years. I am going to try hard to focus on the positive parts of having her here for her last years and to think of how SHE feels, not just how we feel or what our friends will think of her (she is rather a "character"). And I also know that in this case, as in every other situation life throws us, it will NOT be exactly as we anticipate. Some things we dread won't be problems at all, and some problems we don't anticipate will occur -- but the same is true of the up side: there will be benefits and joys that come of this that I can't anticipate now, but that will indeed be there if I am wise enough to see them.

And I know that I will find good advice and tips and, when necessary, a place to vent, on this forum.

I really appreciate all your advice. I will be back for more when and if the time comes!

Just so folks know, that should be HIPAA laws. It is not a question of making decisions - HIPAA provides for PRIVACY protection. It is a very poorly written law that does not give medical personnel clear guidelines on precisely how to protect a patient's privacy, it merely sets them up to be sued if the patient deems their privacy has been violated.

As a result, most medical staff we've encountered recently deal with this law in the following manner:

- If the patient is conscious, they'll discuss condition of patient and treatments.

- If the patient is NOT conscious or cannot give verbal informed consent, and no HIPAA release is on file or can be provided by the interested party, they will NOT give out any information or discuss the patient in any way.

It won't matter if you're the spouse or child, HIPAA does not differentiate. The patient is the only person who can authorize release of his/her medical information, whether verbally or written.

I agree, it is critical for OP to convince MIL to get her legal docs set up properly. Once she starts 'losing it', it will be much, much more difficult to get that accomplished. A properly written Advanced Health Directive will include HIPAA access for the person(s) authorized by the patient.

I'll be very surprised if she hasn't; she was a legal secretary and is very organized and responsible with paperwork. She also had to deal with her husband's and, later, boyfriend's deaths, and now has power of attorney for her best friend who is struggling with dementia and has no kids. But you never know -- sometimes it's easy to put off doing or updating your own paperwork. Also, she may have my husband's sister named as first AiF, and if she's going to move here, it probably should be my husband and/or me.

HIPAA is indeed a mess. I understand that medical staff feel the only way they are safe is pretty much to say nothing to anyone. I am surprised we haven't heard lots of stories of people who suffered serious consequences, including death, because medical personnel weren't allowed to speak with family members who might have had life-saving information to share. I hope it won't come to that before they fix it. In the meantime, I'll make sure that paperwork is done for my MIL.

You all are terrific to take the time to give such good and detailed advice. Keep it coming!