| My dear Gabby, My Dad passed away on October 6th, 2005. I miss him so very very much, but I thank God everyday that He took him quickly & mercifully before the cancer took him by an excruciating painful death. I am at total peace with his passing, as much as I miss him. I am still caregiving for my mother with AD. So hard to watch her leaving on this long journey too. Here is a letter/post I wrote back in October at the KT. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
October 6, 2005
Dearest Family & Friends, My dear Dad passed away this morning. It all feels so surreal. I am torn between the sorrow of losing my wonderful father and being grateful that he died quickly and without pain. He didn't suffer a long painful death from the Multiple Myeloma that would have taken him slowly, but from a heart attack. We had a 1:00 appt. with his oncologist so I had all his paperwork, his warm blanket, extra meds, my apppointment book all ready to go on the table. I had just made him his breakfast and he went to sit in his comfortable chair. He suddenly started to gasp for air. At first I thought he was choking. I screamed for my Mike who happened to be home from work today. My mom also came running. We laid him on the ground, called 911 and I started to give him CPR. I knew we were losing him, because he wasn't breathing on his own. I kept yelling at him that I loved him, but his eyes were just staring out into space. Mike & I couldn't get a response. The police, firefighters and paramedics came. They worked on him for a few minutes. Mike took my Mom into the other room. I didn't want her to have to see anymore. I wanted to know what was happening as I wasn't sure if it was choking, a stroke, or a heart attack. When they told me it was probably a heart attack, I told them all to stop. I didn't want them to bring him back only to have to suffer with the cancer that was going to take him from us anyway, in a horrible painful way. Or have him be in a vegetative state if he could be revived. They asked if he had a DNR. I told them no, but since I have Power of Attorney for Health Care and Durable Power of Attorney for both my parents and carry them all the time, it was right there for the paramedics and police to see on the table with everything that was going with us to the Dr. appt. They quickly looked over the papers and said it was OK to stop. They later told me that it was the right thing to do under the circumstances. The EMT, Police & Firefighters that came were wonderful to me & my family. They all gave me hugs. One officer stayed, notified my Dad's Dr. & helped call the funeral home. My Dad's Onc. called to give his condolenses and that of his wonderful staff that took care of my Dad. They were wonderful to him from the day he was diagnosed with cancer and treated him like he was a part of their own family. His Dr. also told me, that I had done the right thing for my Dad. I alway thought when the time came, I would be able to carry out his wishes, and I did, as hard as it was to do.
I know in my head it was the right thing and this is what he wanted and what we talked about in the worse case senario. But my heart is breaking because I've lost my dearest Dad. I know he is now out of pain. No more needles, IV's, pain pills, drugs, weakness, fatigue,walkers & wheelchairs etc. No more chemo. He never complained, just accepted what was happening to him. He called himself a lucky man. He said he had a wonderful & loving wife, daughter, son-in-law, grandson and new great-grandaughter. So many called him their friend. The cancer didn't beat him, but a weakened heart did. I prayed for God to take him quickly and without pain, IF it was His Will, and today He answered my prayers. My Dad died at home with his family, & pets with him, not in a hospital bed. I am also so grateful that he got to see his first great-grandchild born. She put the spark back in his eye and has been our greatest joy through all the darkness. His hands were so weak he was afraid to hold her, but I would hold her on his lap and he so loved having a little one to hold in his arms again. I was fortunate to have him for 51 yrs. and now he will be reunited with my sister, Cheryl--(there was never a day that went by when he didn't forget her or miss her) & his beloved mother, father & sisters & brothers. I'm sorry this is so long. I think I just need to write it out to make myself believe it really happened today and is real. Just a few hours ago we were talking and laughing together and now I am here writing this. Thank you all in advance for listening and if you would, please pray for us. We will need your good thoughts & prayers to get us through the tough days & weeks ahead. My mom has Alzheimer's and even though she knows he is gone, it will be especially hard on her. His wishes were to be cremated and then his ashes to be put in my sister's grave. He didn't want a wake or funeral, so we will have a small memorial mass here in Missouri. Hold on tight to those you love ~~ Blessings ~~ katclaws | 
