I replied in an earlier thread, but after hearing all your replies I was able to relate because not only did I experience firsthand your problems, but also caregivers constantly visited my senior center office looking for advice and services. So here we go: 1. The most difficult time in your life is the transition from being a child to becoming the parent. It's very difficult and heartbreaking. 2. As people get older they become less interested in activities they once enjoyed because they're just plain tired. As memory fades, they'll talk about the past. Don't fight it. My brother had Alzheimer's, and every time we visited he told us he had just come back from cutting firewood in the woods. Rather than correct him, we continued his conversation about this and he was quite pleased. Get a recorder, as mentioned above, and get as much family history as you can while the person still recalls more vividly past events. Be more accepting of their declining limits. If they just want to sit there and watch TV, let them. Try some simple chair exercises. One that helps keep legs strong is quite simple. Just sit in a chair and lift each leg. This builds the upper front thigh muscle and is one of the first exercises they have you do in physical therapy after a lengthy bedridden stay in a hospital. Also, most senior centers office similar programs just to keep people moving. Be nice to yourself. Take a break. Hire an older person who could more easily relate and also "babysit" for you so you can go out and have a few hours to yourself. If you don't, you will come to resent your caregiving. Also, there are people who would be willing to stay overnight to give you an entire weekend of freedom. Do it! And lastly, don't feel guilty if you're nice to yourself or occasionally lose patience. You're only human. Consider a day or two per week in an Adult Day Care program. Simply being among their peers can do wonders. I've seem an amazing difference in seniors who have participated in this. However, you may have to bring the person screaming and hollering at first, but very quickly they will begin to enjoy themselves. My last suggestion comes from a study I read years ago. Nursing home residents were asked what they would like to do. While activities directors thought they wanted loads of activities, when asked, the residents replied they really wanted to get out of the home for a few hours and take a short ride. We once had a program at our senior center where a local restaurant that offered a soup and sandwich type of lunch donated a number of gift certificates. We would choose an elder along with a volunteer, and they would go out to lunch. Most people really enjoyed this. However, you must keep the outing to no more than a few hours due to fatigue. Hope some of this helps, for I've been there, done that; and I have a special spot in my heart for the caregivers who look after others. It isn't easy.

Popi--if this were your son, you'd be wise to be fearful of your retirement and your safety. I told you what happened to my MIL--that girl started out the same way--stealing little bits, then oh-so-tearfully apologizing (oh, so insincerely!) The thing I didn't mention above? because it's always so painful to think about? She almost surely was involved in her father's death, because she was so intent upon getting her hands on the money (and he was in his right mind, unlike his wife, so he was an impediment to her). Look, I don't dispute the fact that the father may have gone off the deep end a bit, but when you have someone that dangerous in your life, you DO have to cut them loose. I'd have done it differently, but that child would still have been out of our lives--and really do the fine points matter that much at that point?

Nicehubby, get ready for some culture shock! It sounds like you come from a fairly traditional Indian family so you were probably raised with a lot higher standard than what is now mainstream American (or Canadian) culture. The difference between going for dinner and going for dinner as a 'date' (as adults) is this (I'll use examples so it's a little clearer). Two co-workers go to dinner...they eat, drink, visit, laugh. At the end of the night, they've both had a good time, they've bonded (like friends), they say good night. The next day at work everything is still normal because they know how to respond to each other. Now... Two co-workers go to dinner, only this time it's a 'date' (which indicates that there is romantic interest)...they eat, drink, visit, laugh. At the end of the night, if they've both had a good time, because it was a date, they may or may not say good night. Depending on the values of the people involved it may end with a romantic gesture (such as being walked to the door) or it may end in sex. Dating used to be known as 'courting' (a long time ago now) and was used for the purpose of deciding who you wanted to marry. However, now it is what I would consider to be recreational. Many people who go on dates have little or no interest in finding a spouse. They 'go out' because it is fun or exciting, and out of a desire to feel romantic closeness (and physical intamacy) without needing to make a long term commitment to that person. Hope this explains it a little bit for you. About the issue of whether or not to let a child have a boyfriend/girlfiend... My personal thoughts are this. It's great to let kids have friends from both genders, however I would discourage the use of words like 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend'. While to some it may seem cute, when they're eight or ten, the reality is that by the time the reach eleven or twelve, there is pressure to play spin the bottle, etc. By the time I was in grade six, some of the 'kids' parties involved alcohol and getting locked in a closet to kiss or more. I never went to these parties...M&D wouldn't allow it...and I completely understand now. It was the parents who thought it was 'cute' that thier young children were going on 'dates', that were having these co-ed overnight parties that were, for all intents and purposes, unchaperoned. By the time I graduated half the girls in my class had dropped out because of pregnancy. It's great for children to play with lots of kids their own age...but we have to remember as parents, that children have a natural innocent curiosity (I'll show you mine if you show me yours...etc.) and that when you pair that with the barage of sexually charged media they see at a very young age, it will impact them. At ten years old she may say this is my 'boyfriend' and they just play together like two best friends, but in another two years her friends and classmates will start teasing and pushing her to kiss or ... whoever her boyfriend is then. Kids, especially girls, get a lot of pressure to grow up, be sexy, wear makeup, act like adults. And girls, especially those in Jr. High (grade 6-9) can be cruel to those who don't fit in... Know who your children hang out with, know their parents. Let the parents know what your standards are, and that if they won't ensure your child is held to that standard while at their house, then you would prefer if their child came to yours instead. I'm a firm believer in no closed doors (and computers in high trafic areas), and that no matter how good of friends they are, boys and girls don't get to have sleep overs-together. I do think that it's important to still educate your children though...because there is truth in that the more sheltered child is, if they rebel or find themself in a situation without supervision, more likely to end up in trouble. My parents had very high standards, and didn't allow me to be in a position to become pregnant while I was in their care, but when I graduated I rebeled and moved out. I was completely clueless to the risks out there. I understood about condoms to prevent pregnancy, but I had no idea about STDs, date rape drugs, etc. Fortunatley for me, my sister took me under her wing (she was raised completely differently, by her mom) and gave me a quick education on the risks 'out there'. If not for her, my life could have been very different. I think the biggest challenge I will face with my children, is leaning how to protect them, while still educating them in time, to the dangers that are out there. And no, there won't be any little 'girlfriends'. My $0.02 Verena

Well all I know is the people that I know that have had cancer and had chemo and radiation were much younger than that and it was absolutely a terrible experience. My mom had radiation for breast cancer and was sick from it for a few years...she had another cancer and told them to just remove it and she was absolutely NOT going to take treatments, she lived about 15 years past that to be 89 YEARS OLD! My In Law had lymphoma and had radiation and actually died and had to be brought back during the treatment. He's OK now but he was only in his early 40s. My mom had a routine surgery when she was 84 and had a stroke from it and lived to be 89 not knowing what was up or down...just a terrible way to live! At 95 years old, I'd think you'd lived a good long life and just because there's a cancerous tumor doesn't mean you will die any time soon.