TYhat's great Glenda. It's 59° outside right now and I haven't even been out there yet except to feed the birds early this morning. After I pick Anna up from my mom's we are going shopping for a few personal items for her, then we are going to stop by my ex husban's and his wife's house to look through some old photos. When we get home from there I am going to change clothes then go out front and cut down a vine I decided I don't want. Linda

Just wanting yall to know reading this has gave me courage. I recently met my 18 year old son for the first time. Also, in tears because he described how his Mother and her boyfriend had abused him. All started off great. He called me asking for help, he was going to be homeless. Not being financialy stable myself....didnt matter. I went and took out a loan so i could buy him, his girlfriend, and my new grandbaby across America with minutes notice. My son is a little taller, and bigger around then me, but otherwise, we look like twins. I arranged for him to have a home, since my apt isnt very big, and arranged for him to get a job. Like I said all started perfect. Soon I begin to notice that other family members trying to help him are calling me complaining that he was rude to them. So, i took it upon myself to readvise him in the ways this side of his family treats each other. He blew up at me completely saying many hurtful things. Which spurred me to say a few things myself that I will forever regret. I havent given up on him. I never will. I just need to find a different way to build his confidence. While doing so I need to protect my new family. My parents are in their 80s, and my new Son is 4, so it is tough. Seems everyone has a set plan as to how we should progress this relationship, but no one has the patience. So before any more feelings are hurt I gave him some space to think. Ultimately, I think I figured out that things will be great, even if scary at first. I plan to take him fishing in 2 days. Just me and him if i can convince him to leave his family behind for a few hours. I have told him how proud I was of him for knowing better then to follow in his moms footsteps. Since his brother is only 4, we share alot of the same fears. I tell him everyday I love him, and I`ll always be there for him when he needs emotional support. To be completely honest though. I have never been so terrified in all my life, scared I`ll say something stupid. Anyways. It always feels better knowing then spend even more years wondering. Going on day 6 of no sleep over this though. It`s tough because I was adopted. I met my Bio Dad, he hated my life, and got arrested driving home, because he stopped at a bar down the street. I may never talk to my dad again, but at least I know now why. Atleast I felt better knowing I had the choice, but decided to protect my family from him.

My overall instinct is similar to that of most of the other posters: this relationship has so many red flags, I'd at least put off the engagement, even if you don't break up entirely. This is a very major development, and he hasn't even really realized how major yet. I would back way, way off from any marriage plans for a while while everyone adjusts to this new reality. I just want to add that if you do marry him, you, too, need to realize how huge this is -- even more than you already do. You wrote, "i want to set boundaries that are appropriate. if he and i are getting married i think we should make decisions together about the extent he interacts with the child, the kids mom etc." "the extent he interacts with the child"?? That is his SON. No matter whether he was conceived accidentally in a one-night stand or was the intended product of a loving marriage, he is all the same a growing child, a real person, not a vacation home or a dog he and this other woman shared and now have to work out some sort of deal about. Whether or not they ever live together, that boy is entitled to his father's commitment -- 100%, not some negotiated lesser amount of "involvement." If he needs something, including to come and live with his father, his dad has the responsibility to consider that son's needs, not just what is convenient or pleasant for the two of you. Parents have to put their children's needs first. And if you do marry him, don't you WANT him to be a good father? Would you really want him to be the kind of person who treats his own son as an inconvenience? As his wife, it will be your duty to help him to be a good father, not to make it harder for him. I certainly wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to marry someone with children; I can see how terribly difficult it is, even when it works out just fine. But if you are going to do it, then do it with your whole heart and marry the father he is, not the childless man you wish (and had thought) he was. I'm sorry to sound so harsh. I really do sympathize with your situation -- it's a real mess, and I know there are no easy answers. Your whole reality, present and future, changed overnight. It's not fair, and you didn't do anything wrong. It must feel like someone pulled a rug out from under you. I am just concerned that the real meaning of this little boy's existence hasn't sunken in yet.

We do not know the father at all. Here is some facts i know. She got pregnant after 6 months of dating him. She is a veyr pretty girl but my Dh's friend and i were wondering if she did it on purpose to make sure the guy stays.... they married, live together for another 4 years after the child was born but out of the blue...and i do mean out of the blue, he todl her straight out that he doesn't want to live his life with her and siad he's going for a divorce. We first thought..ok...family man...doesn't want it..never aksed for it in the first place..but then we thought..mmmm.. affair??? nope..no affair just wants completely out, will pay her Cs with minimum contact, no communication whatsoever. then i meet the mother...who is very intelligent. highly educated...but i noticed she wants to party and drink and mingle. so i'm thinking,,,,,neglect. Maybe this kid just doesnt' get enough attention , get ignored and maybe she was born with some sort of psychological problems. Its rare..but it does happen. I immediately picked it up the moment she stepped into my household but didn't think she would be violent. And she realized soon i was completely onto her and she didn't like it at all. So she is very aware at her age what she is doing and she purposely takes the individual or animal, isolates it before she begins her assaults...so she KNOWS. She's 5 but she knows...I think that is evil incarnated! I've read other stories as well with kids rare, but are born this way. They have to be hospitalized immediately. I read one on another forum where the daugther was given up by the mother because she was harmful to her new baby brother...then with the father and sm...she held a pillow over her baby sister! Well they all had her committed. Turned out she was a psychopath. No emotions, no empathy, cruel, maticulus and planned. EIther way, i've told my husband i never want that girl over and told his friend that she as a mother should adress these odd behaviours before someone or thing get seriously hurt.