Relax, the little one will pick up on your nerves and not really know why the pretty lady he's meeting today and having a good outing with is so 'afraid'and he may take it to mean it's something he's done or said or that you don't like him. I've seen a group of little ones come together all speaking bits and parts or no mutual langauge of the others present and they brush it aside and play all day together having great fun. They understand the basics: laughter, smiles, a willingness to be friends. I myself have had to visit with and entertain in my home and on sight seeing outings both teens and adults, and we've all been very understanding and leaned on the one present who can repeat for us what is said. As long as all were comfortable and had a desire to be warm and friendly and relaxed, a convo and/or a pleasant story/joke just takes a bit longer to share, but is still enjoyable/interesting. The main thing I had to watch myself from doing as I came to know and communicate with was not to slip into slang and to stick to basics of meaning with words. Where my langauge has words that can be flipped around and exchanged for other words, the person I was speaking with could then not follow me in this manner. In your case, you might try an ice breaker with the little boy, ask his dad to help you pick out a storybook that you could present to the boy as a welcome gift. Or some favorite candy or along those lines. Something that speaks without words that you are very honored to be meeting him and very willing to get to know him even though there is a bit of a hurdle to cross. Dad might read the book to you and the child if you choose a book. And study up on the basic language, carry the little booklet in your pocket that assist, a desire to learn and accept I think I have found to be my key to language differences. Good luck to you, hope you all have a great day.

My overall instinct is similar to that of most of the other posters: this relationship has so many red flags, I'd at least put off the engagement, even if you don't break up entirely. This is a very major development, and he hasn't even really realized how major yet. I would back way, way off from any marriage plans for a while while everyone adjusts to this new reality. I just want to add that if you do marry him, you, too, need to realize how huge this is -- even more than you already do. You wrote, "i want to set boundaries that are appropriate. if he and i are getting married i think we should make decisions together about the extent he interacts with the child, the kids mom etc." "the extent he interacts with the child"?? That is his SON. No matter whether he was conceived accidentally in a one-night stand or was the intended product of a loving marriage, he is all the same a growing child, a real person, not a vacation home or a dog he and this other woman shared and now have to work out some sort of deal about. Whether or not they ever live together, that boy is entitled to his father's commitment -- 100%, not some negotiated lesser amount of "involvement." If he needs something, including to come and live with his father, his dad has the responsibility to consider that son's needs, not just what is convenient or pleasant for the two of you. Parents have to put their children's needs first. And if you do marry him, don't you WANT him to be a good father? Would you really want him to be the kind of person who treats his own son as an inconvenience? As his wife, it will be your duty to help him to be a good father, not to make it harder for him. I certainly wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to marry someone with children; I can see how terribly difficult it is, even when it works out just fine. But if you are going to do it, then do it with your whole heart and marry the father he is, not the childless man you wish (and had thought) he was. I'm sorry to sound so harsh. I really do sympathize with your situation -- it's a real mess, and I know there are no easy answers. Your whole reality, present and future, changed overnight. It's not fair, and you didn't do anything wrong. It must feel like someone pulled a rug out from under you. I am just concerned that the real meaning of this little boy's existence hasn't sunken in yet.

We do not know the father at all. Here is some facts i know. She got pregnant after 6 months of dating him. She is a veyr pretty girl but my Dh's friend and i were wondering if she did it on purpose to make sure the guy stays.... they married, live together for another 4 years after the child was born but out of the blue...and i do mean out of the blue, he todl her straight out that he doesn't want to live his life with her and siad he's going for a divorce. We first thought..ok...family man...doesn't want it..never aksed for it in the first place..but then we thought..mmmm.. affair??? nope..no affair just wants completely out, will pay her Cs with minimum contact, no communication whatsoever. then i meet the mother...who is very intelligent. highly educated...but i noticed she wants to party and drink and mingle. so i'm thinking,,,,,neglect. Maybe this kid just doesnt' get enough attention , get ignored and maybe she was born with some sort of psychological problems. Its rare..but it does happen. I immediately picked it up the moment she stepped into my household but didn't think she would be violent. And she realized soon i was completely onto her and she didn't like it at all. So she is very aware at her age what she is doing and she purposely takes the individual or animal, isolates it before she begins her assaults...so she KNOWS. She's 5 but she knows...I think that is evil incarnated! I've read other stories as well with kids rare, but are born this way. They have to be hospitalized immediately. I read one on another forum where the daugther was given up by the mother because she was harmful to her new baby brother...then with the father and sm...she held a pillow over her baby sister! Well they all had her committed. Turned out she was a psychopath. No emotions, no empathy, cruel, maticulus and planned. EIther way, i've told my husband i never want that girl over and told his friend that she as a mother should adress these odd behaviours before someone or thing get seriously hurt.

Lazygardens, I'm sure you're not far from the truth! I have to admit I have thought many times how much easier this situation could be if he were a widow :-) Mom 2 4, regarding the divorce and length of time it has taken for the legal separation, this can be summed up in one word - finances. In Canada, you must wait one year from the date of separation to file for divorce and many couples, especially with children, considerable assets, and where there are issues of spousal support, go the route of a legal separation agreement to deal with these issues. Once the year has passed, this document can be filed with the application for the divorce and becomes the divorce agreement. These issues can also be brought before a judge, prior to a divorce and orders made with respect to child support, spousal support, the matrimonial home and the division of assets. Instead of taking their issues before a judge, they decided that they could work this out between themselves and their respective lawyers and have an agreement drawn up that would be satisfactory to both. I won't go into all of the issues that turned all of that into a nightmare, but after it became clear they could not work things out between themselves, they tried a mediator, which cost a fair bit of money and got little resolved. At that point, he now sees that he should have pursued the court option but at the time, he was already under a mountain of legal bills. Theirs was a very complicated situation financially that could have dragged on even longer in the courts. In the end, he gave in and walked away with very little. Maybe that was a mistake, and maybe it was fueled in many ways by guilt but it's what he felt he needed to do at the time and a decision he has to live with. The timing for filing for the divorce is purely financial since he will have to absorb the entire cost if he is the one filing. This may sound like a lame excuse but he is just now finishing paying all of the legal bills for the separation agreement. I think you are right in suggesting that in many ways, he has done things to encourage her behaviour. He is in no way the innocent either when it comes to his behaviour toward her and he has come to realize that the hard way. I do believe he has a lot of guilt over the break up of the family but there is no interest on his part in reconciling with her. He really just wants to try to make their relationship better so that his sons don't suffer the consequences any more. I know she will never go away and I have no doubt she will try her best to turns his sons against me. There is nothing I can do about that. I can only hope that they will form their own opinion based on my actions and my character. As for not seeing the big picture, you're wrong. I know more about the big picture than I care to at times. I did a lot of soul searching before I decided to make the step and meet his children. I knew then everything that had gone on and decided I was strong enough to handle it because I think he is worth it. I appreciate your concern and the warnings but I really do want to make this work. I posted on this site because I really need some good advice on how to proceed in slowly building a relationship with his children and some guidance so that I don't make mistakes with them that will later prove fatal. I don't want them to suffer the wrath of their mother, simply because I exist and I honestly don't know what I can do or what he can do to make that situation better. I know from reading many of the posts on this site that there are some very sad situations out there but also some rewarding successes. As a step child myself, I have experienced both and maybe that's where all my hope comes from. It's funny, but I see so much of myself in some of the teenage SD stories. I was the SD from hell for a couple of years! My step mother and father are still married 16 years later and they have a good laugh at my expense sometimes over some of my antics. I really don't know how my step mother hung in there but she did and she loved me and was there for me no matter what a little B**** I was. I have seen many posts where people have hoped that one day their step children will appreciate what they did for them and I can promise you that at least some of them will.