Have I got it right that YOU are the cheating spouse? You have a lover that is telling you to leave your violent husband, correct? And you can't make the decision to leave your violent spouse because your family would fall apart, correct again? How many children do you have and how old are they? If the above is correct, my suggestion would be that you get away from your violent husband and take your children with you. Get to a shelter, a relative's home, or other safe place. File for divorce. I don't condone your cheating, regardless of the situation at home. You shouldn't be doing that. Wait until you're out of the home, have your act together, and are settled a bit more before you are in another relationship. If you still can't bring yourself to leave your violent husband (please do), stop seeing your lover. And do what you can to protect yourself and your children. Suzieque

From your description, your son needs to be institutionalized. That or military school -- if you can get any to take him. From your description, you're over your head. Probably way over. Don't pretend you're not. Do what you have to to get him out of your house and into some professional environment where he can be dealt with. From what you've described, "helping" your son is priority #2 at this point. Protecting yourselves, your daughter, and society is #1. Don't hesitate. You've described a very dangerous boy.

First, being bi-sexual doesn't make you a pedophile. I don't understand the connection you make to that. In your original post, nothing was mentioned about his other children. I'd be more concerned about that but it sounded as if the problem you are having, has more to do with how he treats your husband, than what he did with his other children in the past. Why would he talk to your mom everyday? If he's such a 'bad' guy, why would she talk to him? I'm not understanding where you're coming from perhaps. If he still wants to get back together with you, why would you insist on being at the visitations? You should do what you can to disengage from him, maybe let your mom supervise visits if he gets along with her. What types of things did he do to or with his other kids? There's a difference between not agreeing with it and it being dangerous or harmful to your child. As for his legal problems, I would make sure he is not using.. random drug testing. Supervised visits if he is violent. Depending on the circumstances, arson isn't usually a violent crime, but if there was intent to harm someone, that may be an issue. He doesn't sound like a real great guy, but you chose to marry him and have a child with him and unless he can be proven a danger to your child or his rights are terminated, he has a right to have a relationship with your son. Actually, your son has the right to have a relationship with him. You may have a reason to be concerned but my first reaction to the original post is that the problem is with how he acts or treats the husband, not a concern over how he'll treat his son. My son's father wasn't in jail (and he should have been), but he didn't see him until he was 4. I had concerns about it, he ended up seeing him supervised for a couple of months and then he got a few afternoon visits and eventually, it went to overnight, then weekend.

Pashan, It sounds to me like your daughter needs an attitude adjustment. You say My daughter is a stereotypical 14 year old - attitude, drama, phone stuck in her ear, spends hours on her hair, thinks her friends are the only important people in the world, mostly concerned with what songs are on her iPod and what movie she can go to next! She fights with her 3 younger siblings (ages 9, 6 and 5) and gets mouthy with her parents. She is bossy and a know-it-all. It sounds to me like you are accepting of this behavior because you view it as normal. I think it's really weird...I'm 24...when I was 14 my parents let me know that I was the child in the relationship and they let me know that everything I had was a privilidge, not a right. We (my brothers and I) were taught, from the start to treat our elders with respect (and everyone else around us for that matter), and to this day that still holds true. I think the problem nowdays (a whole whopping 10 years later) is that a lot of people just accept that their teen/pre-teen is going to be an ignorant lippy little brat...and that's OK because everyone else's kid is too...and at least mine isn't as bad as... When I was in grade 11 there was the Columbine school shooting, and everyone who heard about it was floored, dumbfounded, completely shocked that something like this could happen in America...kids, with guns, killing people. In the past few months in Alberta we have had a 14 year old and her 20 year old boyfriend murder her entire family (mother, father, and 9 y/o brother), a group of mostly young teens beat a man to death, and another group of young teens attack and kill a man on an LRT. These kids are CHILDREN...and they are killing people. Why?? Probably because they have been raised to believe that they have 'RIGHTS' (sorry, but the only right any child has is to be clothed, fed, sheltered and loved...to have their *basic* *needs* met...everything else is a priviledge). They have very few (if any) responsibilities, they have NO resepect for anyone but themselves, and they have never been taught that their actions have consequences. Now, I'm not trying to say, in any way, that your daughter is like these kids, but what I am saying is that it doesn't sound like she's picking up on some of the life lessons she will need to function as an adult, and as a result, your husband, in particular, is having a hard time dealing with her. It sounds like she lacks respect...for everyone. I agree with brass tacks, you need to let your hubby deal with the attitude she directs at him, but I think you should sit down with him, alone, and discuss the need for him to deal with her attitude as it happens, and let him know you will back whatever punishment he gives her. (ie: if he grounds her for a week, help him stick to that decision, and make sure she doesn't come to you for a different answer, and if he tries to lift the gounding early, remind him and her that "No, you're grounded for (three more days) because of (your bad attitude), so you can't (go to the movies tonight with your friends.)") Once you've had a chat with Hubby, to decide what's acceptable behavior & what's not, as well as what suitable punishments are for the specific problems, sit down together with daughter and let her know that both you and Hubby agree that there are some (attitudes) that need to change. Clearly define your expectations of her, and let her know that she will be held accountable for her actions. As brass tacks said - make her responsible for her happyness. It's called 'tough love'. It may not be easy for you, and she may not enjoy it, but you are supposed to be her parent not her 'friend' (that comes later after you've done your part to raise her to be a responsible, kind young woman). Kids need guidence, instruction, limitations, accountability and lots of love. (They don't need ipods, phones, movies, etc.) It sounds to be like you have a gem of a hubby. He has taken your daughter, and made her his own, in every way possible. He has loved her like his own (and still does). Just because he said (and likely meant) "I can't stand her", doesn't mean that he doesn't still love her...I don't think I've met a parent with a teen, who hasn't mentally, at one time or another, been like Homer and and thought "Why you little...!" (choke the little ungrateful ...) not that they ever would harm their kid, and they always love them...but sometimes they just "can't stand" them. It sounds to me like your hubby is being pushed so much that he's losing his patience with her. Their relationship may need a bit of mending, but I think you should deal with daughters attitude first. If you get that under control, their relationship will rebuild naturally, and they'll start doing things together again. It's all a matter of respect. Verena (Who vividly remembers pushing my parents to the edge...they set the limits, and I had to deal with the consequences of my actions, but it has made me a better person, and now we get along great...true friends with respect for each other.)