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Don't want to be a burden...
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Posted by sweeby (My Page) on Sun, Mar 2, 08 at 22:27
| That's my mother's mantra -- and she means it. She absolutely doesn't want to be a burden. And SHE ISN'T. She's a kind, witty and fun person to be with, and I'd love to spend more time with her in the few months we have remaining.
But she doesn't want to be a burden, and turns down almost all of my invitations outside of our 'standard' weekly family dinner. She's extremely intelligent and cultured and doesn't have 'mass-market' tastes, so the usual shopping excursions, movies and 'girl-outing' activities genuinely don't appeal to her. And she's lost her appetite, so even lunch doesn't appeal. OK - I get that. So I search for things that might interest her - musuem exhibits, art shows - but then I get the usual excuses - "Don't want to be a burden", "You must be busy with your own family" (I am), "My own MIL put me through such Hell (she did) and I won't do that to you and your husband" (she never would)...
So how can I convince her that she's NOT a burden? She isn't! My Hubby adores her and she knows this too. Truly, I feel honored that she chose to spend her last year or so with us in our city. I know these last few months are a gift, and I don't want to waste them.
I'd particularly love suggestions that would get her out of her apartment. (She chain smokes and the air in there really aggravates my lungs - though I haven't said so.) |
Follow-Up Postings:
RE: Don't want to be a burden...
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One of the things that I did with my mil was to write down her history and her family history. Lots of stories about her early childhood.
We sat many hours going through pictures and I took notes and scanned the pictures and had her look at what I had done and add and change things and then I printed and bound the pages into a book and she gave them to grandkids as a Christmas gift. |
RE: Don't want to be a burden...
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| What a lovely suggestion Connie -- But the incredible thing is that she's already done exactly that. When my grandmother had a minor stroke, my father insisted that ALL them each write their autobiographies and childhood memories and label all of the family photos. They're wonderful heirlooms, and I fondly remember reading my father's autobiography to my children several months after his death. He wrote so beautifully... |
RE: Don't want to be a burden...
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| Why don't you write her a note telling her the same things you've said here to express your love and NEED to be with her? God Bless you both! "She absolutely doesn't want to be a burden. And SHE ISN'T. She's a kind, witty and fun person to be with, and I'd love to spend more time with her in the few months we have remaining.
But she doesn't want to be a burden, and turns down almost all of my invitations outside of our 'standard' weekly family dinner. She's extremely intelligent and cultured So how can I convince her that she's NOT a burden? She isn't! My Hubby adores her and she knows this too. Truly, I feel honored that she chose to spend her last year or so with us in our city. I know these last few months are a gift, and I don't want to waste them."
Suzi |
RE: Don't want to be a burden...
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| She knows that she may not be a burden NOW, but she's lived long enough to know that there will come a time when she may be in a condition that requires 24hr attention. She is just looking forward to that day and worrying. The thing to do is to admit to her that you understand that she is looking at the future, but convince her to let you take it one day at a time and enjoy her company, enjoy giving her pleasure, as much as possible while you can. Let her know that it please you to see her smile when she is enjoying life as much as possible. But a word of caution. The aches and pains of the older person will come on and she really won't want to go out. Somehow, saying things like, "I don't want to be a burden." is easier than saying, "I hurt too much." |
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