Don't want to be a burden...

16 years ago

That's my mother's mantra -- and she means it. She absolutely doesn't want to be a burden. And SHE ISN'T. She's a kind, witty and fun person to be with, and I'd love to spend more time with her in the few months we have remaining.

But she doesn't want to be a burden, and turns down almost all of my invitations outside of our 'standard' weekly family dinner. She's extremely intelligent and cultured and doesn't have 'mass-market' tastes, so the usual shopping excursions, movies and 'girl-outing' activities genuinely don't appeal to her. And she's lost her appetite, so even lunch doesn't appeal. OK - I get that. So I search for things that might interest her - musuem exhibits, art shows - but then I get the usual excuses - "Don't want to be a burden", "You must be busy with your own family" (I am), "My own MIL put me through such Hell (she did) and I won't do that to you and your husband" (she never would)...

So how can I convince her that she's NOT a burden? She isn't! My Hubby adores her and she knows this too. Truly, I feel honored that she chose to spend her last year or so with us in our city. I know these last few months are a gift, and I don't want to waste them.

I'd particularly love suggestions that would get her out of her apartment. (She chain smokes and the air in there really aggravates my lungs - though I haven't said so.)

Comments (4)

Connie Kru
16 years ago
One of the things that I did with my mil was to write down her history and her family history. Lots of stories about her early childhood.
We sat many hours going through pictures and I took notes and scanned the pictures and had her look at what I had done and add and change things and then I printed and bound the pages into a book and she gave them to grandkids as a Christmas gift.
sweeby
Original Author
16 years ago
What a lovely suggestion Connie -- But the incredible thing is that she's already done exactly that. When my grandmother had a minor stroke, my father insisted that ALL them each write their autobiographies and childhood memories and label all of the family photos. They're wonderful heirlooms, and I fondly remember reading my father's autobiography to my children several months after his death. He wrote so beautifully...
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In this day and age, I think we all will be under a caretaker at some point, for some length of time. No matter what you do to prepare, some of us, especially those with health challenges - such as yours, will have to go through this. I remember my Mom trying to prepare my sister and myself for the eventual mind-blowing red-tape,etc, after her passing. She sought much advice but that did not protect us. It was awful, because of the jurisdiction where she passed (and not where she lived). We had no idea that her health would end up as it did - breast cancer, then in the bone/liver. Before we could change things, the calcium in her brain from the cancer had us trying to get her to at least mark an "X", for her signature. Then, she went quickly - the Dr. didn't even know she had reached end-stage to quickly. So, no matter what we do, even if we have the money to try to make it work, it is a hopeless situation. The worst thing about getting old is the care that we can get. The US healthcare system is inexcusable!! The system is antiquated, the workers are not compensated adequately, and the type of care just is not therapeutic. They give you just enough drugs, to keep you "comfortable", but not kill you, until you are so weak that you just die! I'm watching that with a friend's relative, and she's not even sick enough to be classified as dying anytime soon! She is just immobile and in a lot of pain. They give her morphine and do nothing else. She now gets a nurse and an aid at home, but they are useless because they live in the boonies and it's difficult to get there at a decent hour because of horrid rush-hour traffic. The family is trying to do things - a tremendous workload, but they are not professionals with the knowledge and skills to do things the right way. She needs to see a Dr to be reassessed - but do ya think the nurses or aids have mentioned that!!! Anyway,I think the best way to protect ourselves is to maintain our nourishment ( and not just the food intake and ond-a-days). Minerals are important for nourishment. That's not to say that this will prevent the caretaker syndrome, but at least our minds will be a lot stronger, which in turn will help the physical aspects of aging.
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grittymitts
16 years ago
Why don't you write her a note telling her the same things you've said here to express your love and NEED to be with her? God Bless you both!

"She absolutely doesn't want to be a burden. And SHE ISN'T. She's a kind, witty and fun person to be with, and I'd love to spend more time with her in the few months we have remaining.
But she doesn't want to be a burden, and turns down almost all of my invitations outside of our 'standard' weekly family dinner. She's extremely intelligent and cultured So how can I convince her that she's NOT a burden? She isn't! My Hubby adores her and she knows this too. Truly, I feel honored that she chose to spend her last year or so with us in our city. I know these last few months are a gift, and I don't want to waste them."
Suzi
agnespuffin
16 years ago
She knows that she may not be a burden NOW, but she's lived long enough to know that there will come a time when she may be in a condition that requires 24hr attention. She is just looking forward to that day and worrying.

The thing to do is to admit to her that you understand that she is looking at the future, but convince her to let you take it one day at a time and enjoy her company, enjoy giving her pleasure, as much as possible while you can. Let her know that it please you to see her smile when she is enjoying life as much as possible.

But a word of caution. The aches and pains of the older person will come on and she really won't want to go out. Somehow, saying things like, "I don't want to be a burden." is easier than saying, "I hurt too much."

Don't want to be a burden...

Comments (4)

Connie Kru

sweeby
Original Author

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Don't want to be a burden...

Comments (4)

Connie Kru

sweebyOriginal Author

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grittymitts

agnespuffin

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sweeby
Original Author