Mark, I am so sorry for the losses in your life. It is normal to grieve, but you seem particularly vulnerable being all alone now. I am really glad you are going to Griefshare, I have heard very good things about it.

I have three suggestions:

1. Consider seeing your doctor to be evaluated for depression. Many people take antidepressants for a brief period to help them deal with life while they work through their grief.

2. Find a career counselor. Sometimes a local college will have a short workshop or course to help your evaluate your abilities and interests and link them with a job. There are probably many things that you could still do, you just need some suggestions to help figure out what they are.

3. While you are doing the first two things, volunteer somewhere. A soup kitchen, a hospital (they often need people to sit at the information desk, or to sit in the infant area and rock babies), a hospice if that's not too painful for you, a childcare center (kids love to be read to), a school (can you help tutor kids in reading or some other subject). If you like to sing, find a church or community choir. The list is endless, you are sure to find something that will give you a reason to get up and out in the world again.

I know it's hard when you've been stuck at home so long, but you can do it! Please write back and let us know how it's going.

I second watergal's suggestions. One of the best things to lift depression is volunteer work. And since you are a caring sort of person, there is a volunteer opportunity waiting for you. Also, I don't know how good your health is now, but exercise is very beneficial on many levels.

Do you have a pet? A dog or cat can be a wonderful companion for you. Good luck and keep us posted.

Dear Watergal & Blueheron:

Thanks for your replys and constructive suggestions, they are all good ideas. The Griefshare group has done alot of good and I also am attending a "Christianity 101" course at my local church. Since I have drawn so much from the lord through prayer in these very tough times I feel I should try and get to know him more.

These do wonders while particiating but after they are over it's back to reality. I have 4 things that after so much time in grief that are giving me alot of trouble:

I now feel alittle uncertain about having mom and brother cremated and keeping their cremains since reading about how it's not totally an accepted Christian method

I also worry about the fact that since my brother Michael went into a coma all of a sudden and never came out of it if he had a chance to profess his faith. After all we weren't church goers because we were both so involved in trying to follow his meds and keep ahead of this disease plus dealing with all the specialists on the transplant team but I know he had strong faith because even in his condition he never complained or showed any fear of dying, which amazes me now that I think about it. I could never be that strong and not use my brother for a shoulder.

I also remember when he got really bad and he lost ability to make it to the bathroom and before I got use to the extra duty and got a system down, I made some remarks to the effect of "wow I sure hope this doesn't last very long". He got such a sad look on his face like that remark made him lose what little self respect he had left. And even though I told him shortly after I didn't mean it and after getting use to it it wasn't that bad at all brother and I was just freaking out at first from the shock of the whole thing. He then said "don't you appologize because I don't want to be this way and the tougher you are on me the more it will push me to do all I can".

It wasn't but a couple of hours after that he started to go into his coma and looking back I should've had him in the car and gotten him to the hospital whether he had control or not instead of waiting, and these things..

The Griefshare group puts alot of emphasis on how harmful it is for us to dwell on the guilt and there are always things we will remember that we should've done different but we must accept the fact and have faith that it was the Lords decision and our loved ones time, but even knowing that I still have trouble. I guess I saw my brother get overlooked so much in this life by the transplant team and his local hepatologist that I hope the Lord has welcomed him into heaven where Michael will finally be at peace without any pain and reunited with Mom, Dad, and Grandma.

It shows if my faith were strong I would already believe this to be true and not be worying about these things. But putting this all into words has helped me out and I thank you both for taking the time and interest to help

Thanks and bless You both
Mark

Mark, first of all, regarding your concerns, everyone second guesses themselves. I was doing it just this afternoon regarding my mom. She's still alive and lives in a memory care facility, but I've been her caregiver for about six years now. My family tells me I've done a good job and even gone overboard at times. Yet I still get nagging feelings every once in a while. This kind of self-doubt is perfectly natural. Especially for you now that you're both grieving the loss of your mom & brother and trying to find out how to deal with this next phase of your life.

From a spiritual or Christian perspective, have mercy on yourself. You know that Christ has forgiven you for any of your missteps in your brother's care. Trust Him and accept His forgiveness.

It also sounds like your brother forgave you for your off-the-cuff remark when you were cleaning him up. Accept his forgiveness too.

Regarding your brother's spiritual state, trust God to take care of everything. He knows what was in your brother's heart. God made our bodies and knows exactly how they work, so He certainly isn't limited by a coma, blindness, deafness, or anything. You may not have been able to communicate with your brother when he was in a coma, but that condition wasn't a problem to God.

Regarding cremation, different Christians have different ideas. There isn't a particular Bible verse that teaches against it, although the practice in both the Old & New Testament was burial. One thing is certain, though. Whether a body is buried or cremated, the soul is not affected. There's no reason for you to worry about heaven for your loved ones no matter how their earthly shell is handled.

Take care and be sure to post here when you're having a particularly difficult day. We've all gone through similar feelings and are eager to encourage and support each other.

Shambo,

Your comments made my heart lighter and I want to thank you for that. And I am glad your mom is still with us and sure she appreciates all you've done for her over the years and I hope she continues to do well. Reading that also brought back good memories of when my brother and I would visit our mom at the nursing home and play cards outside in the garden.

Thanks for the support