I have about 30 minutes before the in-laws arrive with ma in tow and the "excitement" begins. I have read all of your responses and reread my posts. I need to take the time to reread what I write. I probably won't have the time today either and hope things come out better. It seems what I mean and what I write don't always mesh. Am shaking my head at what I wrote. I see what I did write, but what was in my mind was more meaning getting permission of going with my gut feeling of doing things, and not over thinking things. When I trust myself, I tend to make better decisions. Originally, I was concerned about being selfish and worrying about her dignity. My gut was to not worry and I was told here to not worry. I was also told to not put the plastic down, which we won't be doing. She doesn't want the depends because of her dignity, this was discussed with her daughter a couple days ago. She has been ok with not having accidents. Daughter bought them and told her if she has any accidents she will wear them. She won't accept that talk from me, but I will be telling her the same thing, I will be sweet but firm. Like someone said, it's my house, and cleanliness IS preserving dignity. I am so happy I found this section of the forum a few days before her return so that I can begin to put things in perspective and get my mind in order. She has 3 days of increased meds in her now. At the first sign of a problem, she will either be going to the hospital or 911 will be called if needed. I am prepared and am not going to play around this breakdown. I have notes and names in a notebook. I have the "go bag" ready, except her pills. I have protein bars, puzzles and a book in it for me in case I spend the night in the ER. Now to smile when she comes walking in the door. They are here. Thank you so much.

Golddust, you wrote: "Realistically, she will be making money. A property management said she can easily rent out her (paid off) home for about $3k a month. Added with her retirement income, she will have to start paying income taxes. If she pays us for housecleaner and a gardener, she can write off that expense as renter's credit." (My emphasis in the bolded part.) I don't understand this. Renters don't get income tax credits for their rent, at least as far as I know. It's just a household expense like any other. Though it may come into play when figuring various low-income benefits offered to the elderly, like perscription costs or heating allowances for which she might be eligible. And if she is paying expenses in your household in return for board and care, then perhaps that money may be taxable income to you and your DH? I would check with your accountant before you set up the deal. Not that I think you shouldn't do it this way, but sometimes what seems equitable and appropriate on a human scale complicates things like taxes and eligibility for other benefits. We had a Plan B for my MIL (who was having progressively more serious TIAs and couldn't safely live alone another winter in a wood-heated house), but she, as always, managed things her own way by going to sleep after eating her lunch in her own own house and not waking up again. She was a gifted water dowser and I have always suspected that on a psychic level she figured out that her kids (my DH and his sisters and I) had a Plan B that was nearly in full development. Appalling shock for all of us, but as she had often said after my own Mother had died unexpectedly at home, "She Did It The Right Way", at least for her. I second the advice to keep her furniture in her rooms, and not budge from there if there's any chance that having her stuff in the common rooms will make it difficult for you to use your rooms the way you like. It could get to a be profoundly annoying burr under your saddle. Good luck! L.

Thanks for the ideas. One of the problems is that they live in a rural area and meals on wheels isn't available to them. The home health people are coming on Monday and I thinking that I am going to go over when they are there to make sure that they get all the bases covered. My mil is the kind of person that is always the first to help others but never asks for help herself. I am going to call one of the church members that lives closest and see if they can get a group together to take meals over every other day or so. My FIL is the problem and thinks everything needs to be a hot dinner. Me I could make a pasta salad and we could eat it all week long with sandwiches or grilling out. But that wouldn't be enough for them. So will have to do some thinking. Also FIL's son ( MIL and FIL married when in their 50's ) lives in town and hasn't worked for months and has been taking money from mil and fil and part of me feels that he needs to step up and help. But I want to do what I can to help. With 3 kids under 4 and one more on the way, I have enough on my plate to deal with but will muddle through. I think the most important thing is to be there when home health comes and to make sure that we cover all the bases, physical therepy for both of them, bathing, cleaning, and cooking. Otherwise I know that my mil won't ask for help, but I am not afraid to ask for help for her. Stacie girlsingardens

I hear you. My hat is off to anyone who is able to have aged parents move in with them, and share the family/TV room, kitchen, etc. but what you described in your last post is a recipe for life being h***. It's one thing (and a big thing) to take on the responsibility of having aged parents nearby and caring for them, but it's a whole nother step to have an older person in charge of the remote camped in your living room every evening of your life. I know you didn't ask for advice on the personal part of it, but your last post expressed some very understandable and very human trepidation about too much closeness. (My mom has alzheimer's so I do have some idea what is coming eventually as far as your FIL.) And maybe I'm reading too much between the lines, but it sounds as if you are facing a huge life change without completely being consulted or getting to vote....so you ought to have huge veto powers on the arrangements (just as, if you wanted to bring your mother into your home your hubby should have big veto powers over the exact arrangement.) Meantime, your MIL is still in good health and active, and it sounds as if she would also be happier with her own space and privacy? As your FIL's condition deteriorates, and eventually your MIL's health (which might be a long time from now) you can still be near enough to help and there are alarms and buzzers that can be wired even into a separate cottage, apartment, or duplex (and some people cut a door between duplex units for this very thing, then put it back for resale.) In any case, don't let anyone make you feel bad for not wanting to share your kitchen and LR with your in-laws; chances are they will also be happier with their own space and as much independence as possible. To bring this back OT...I think resale for a nice duplex or separate apartment is pretty good in many areas. ;~)