I talked to a friend of mine who works in sales for a nursing home, and she told me they screen smokers very carefully, because they have a tendency to sneak smokes and are dangerous. I so understand - they can't take that risk.

MIL CANNOT live with relatives - she's a toxic personality, and we all work and have stairs in our homes. She can't go back to her home, because of stairs and no family nearby, and fulltime in-home aides would be costly and not what she needs.

She is a huge fall risk (they said she has "zero safety awareness" because she forgets to use the walker). They said she is not safe behind closed doors. She wanders. And she is complaining about the aides not taking her out for a smoke (she thinks she's back in the AL where she could do that). Her dementia is getting much worse, so she'll probably need a locked dementia unit.

At this point, we are perfectly willing to cut off all supplies of cigarettes and lighters and tell her no more smoking. She'll be furious, but it looks like it's the only way she MIGHT get care.

My biggest concern is - if we can find a nursing home at all, it's likely to be a crappy, desperate one. I guess that is the logical consequence of her smoking habit, though, and there's not anything we can do about it.

And what if NO ONE will take her? What then? My DH asked if they can force us to take her home with us. I assume we have the right to refuse.

But honestly, what happens now? Anyone been through this? Help, I'm starting to freak out.

Can she have candy? If so, hand it to her with a smile and hope for the best. Her favorite magazine?? Just so you can hand her something when you need to.

Tell the NH that you will cooperate in seeing that she doesn't get cigarettes.

The chance of fire in a nursing home is something that good ones simply will not take. If she gets too hard to handle, I am sure she will get medicated until the addiction gets easier to work with.

Good luck! It might take a while, but she will settle down to it.

They keep her cigs and lighter in a desk drawer; they have not allowed her to keep them with her. This just killed her at first but she's used to it now.

They say it's a smoke free place, but they have a smoking area out by the loading dock, for staff only, I guess. Oh well. At least MIL has a place to live. I'm not sure how much longer she'll even be able to remember that she smokes.

But you've done a good job of taking care of her, and I hope that things continue to work out for you.

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The medicine attached itself to the chemicals in smoke and then caused the area of the brain that each chemical effected to not crave it anymore.

It took nine months when one day I explained I wasn't pushing, but how was he doing on his cigarettes? (It was the first time anyone had asked him through the process.) With tears in his eyes he explained that he woke up that morning and realized it had been three days since he had a single craving, so he threw 3/4 of a pack away. He never had a craving again in the last 13 years of his life, even when his brothers came to visit and they smoked around him. There was no jitters, no shaking, no grouchiness (after the first 3 weeks), no weight gain, ... nothing. I'm not sure I can list his med here, but if you are desperate email me through the site and I'll let you know its name.

Years later, a pt. of mine had to go into a NH. His Dr. prescribed two meds. One patch to ease the cravings and a pill to keep him calm. Once those measures were in place the really good NH would accept him, because the issue was being controlled. He "fished" for about three months, then even that stopped. At one point they threatened to put him in the really awful NH until he got his attitude better under control, but threaten was all they had to do.

If you have to you might think about vigilantly keeping MIL in a not so good place until they get the medicines regulated, then work to switch her over.

good luck.