Hope things work out!!!! that's why we have put a wonderful piece of property in golden isles of Ga up for sale. We are great together but the thought of building and things that need to be done, uuughhh. I read to many horror storys on here, yes many are great accomplishments but oh the bad ones scare the bajesus out of me for the same things your going through.

Thanks for The comments. All of this does help.

I too am in the middle of a nightmare build. In our build just about every single thing has gone wrong. And we started 3 years ago with stars in our eyes. We got our permits in October of 2016 and are still not in.

The thing to try and remember is it's just a house. You and your spouse are what make a home and that doesn't change whether you're living temporarily in your MIL's basement or in that beautiful new home.

Can either of you maybe take on some temporary extra work maybe one day on the weekend doing anything to try and make up the overage? Dog walking? Baby sitting? Waitressing? Bartending? Or freelancing using your work skills? I know that's not ideal, but at least if you know it's a temporary situation until you just get back the extra you weren't expecting?

We lost our home of 21 years in Houston to Hurricane Harvey. 3 feet of nasty water in there for a week caused too much damage to repair. And then there was the mold. It had never flooded before in its 54 year old life. Within the prior year we had done “the last remodel”, and planned to be carried out feet first. My husband very much wants to rebuild on our lot and I just want my life back. But I will walk down this road with him for now (while still scouring the real estate market for something he will agree to move to!). I know God has a good plan for us, but whoever said to expect the unexpected was right! I appreciate the comment from rwiegand about deciding it would be fun and keeping the perspective that none of this is life altering in the big sense! Coming up on 38 years in April and I want to grow old with him. Thanks for everyone’s input. I spent so much time on Gardenweb during a big remodel 15 years ago. Looks like I am back!

God bless you Terry. It's just a house. Sell the damn thing for what you can get out of it and move thee to an apartment and start over. Get both of you out from under the albatross that you have created and do not rob your retirement accounts for something that has destroyed you and your marriage.

thinking of you.

We are in the process of building, have received pricing from 3 different contractors, and are in the very beginning phase, this is our first build, kid's are grown and are not living with us, we are both retired and can do all the running around that needs to be done. I'm sure this is going to be stressful but I hope in the long run everything we both envision will become a reality. (and staying within budget) I will come back after the build with pictures and hopefully have some input as to how building a home together and staying together works out. Pray for us. :)

Since I am past that point I will give you just a tad bit of advice make sure that you have some money somewhere so that you can use for the overages because they will have them for sure. Good luck

Oh Terry I do feel for you. There is nothing I've found to be as stressful as building a house with the exception of having a child in ill health or in trouble. I don't have any advice to help with your financial constraints and agree with ILoveRed that if selling is an option it's worth considering. No dream is worth your marriage or your health. That said, there's an undercurrent in your post - subtle but troubling - that you're pinning this on your wife. My wife had her mind set in not living in a zero lot neighborhood. I went along. We sold our home and lost a little on the sale. My wife promised it would be worth it later. She and her parents worked up the idea for us to move in with them until We could find something. We looked for a home that was in our budget and everything was going fast as soon as we found it. My wife stated that building would be more affordable and we would get what we wanted. I was very skeptical but went along. That's how this marriage has worked. She wants I say ok. Now maybe that's just the stress of the moment talking and if so just be aware how poisonous holding those beliefs can be even if it's just for a moment. But if you're really blaming her and not owning your acquiescence as equal in the decision then you're being unfair to her and not being honest with yourself. And carrying that into a new house that you already know will continue the financial stretch will keep it from ever being the home you dreamed of. That's 36 years of marriage talking and we've seen our share (and then some!) of times and issues that tested us beyond what we thought survivable. In the end, you have to want her and your marriage more than you do a house. I wish you luck but even more than that I wish you a peaceful heart.

X5: Fifth home build. Feel bad for my DW, yep this one is stressful for her but she's hanging on, just a very long build; she'll be happy when it's done.

That said, there's an undercurrent in your post - subtle but troubling - that you're pinning this on your wife.

I read Mr. Terry's story in just about the opposite way you seem to have, DLM. With the information presented, I view her as having the lion's share of responsibility for causing the stress -- I just get the feeling that he'd be "damned if he did, damned if he didn't," regardless.

Of course, none of us will really know, so my speculation is worth just as much as anyone else's, lol.

Hugs to you, Mr. Terry. Lots of 'em.

That's my point, ODD - due to the way the info is presented he appears (to me) to be blaming her or holding her responsible and that may or may not be his aim. Unless he had a gun to his head, he was a party to these decisions and bears a degree of responsibility as well. But that's history and what matters now is how he frames and holds their shared options and actions going forward. They come first, the house a distant second.

Mr. Terry, I feel so bad for you. My husband and I are in the midst of one of those hard builds and it can definitely take a toll. Your house looks lovely in the picture and it looks like you are just about there. I hope when you move in everything will work out for you.

Halfway through my full custom. Very stressful and hard on marriage! I will never do full custom again.

One Devoted dame and DLM, I really appreciate the post from everyone. Yes I was very stressed that night I wrote that post. I look back and feel I was pretty harsh in blaming my wife for things she had no way of knowing the outcome. I am embarrassed by my lack of reserve in that post. I love her unconditionaly and she loves me the same. Before this house build we have only been in a hand full of arguments the entire 10 years of marriage. We will succeed because our love is stronger than ever and our friendship is the best. For every single one of your posts, I want to say thanks for the kind words and prayers. I to will say a prayer for each and every one of you to overcome any obstacles that come your way as well. Sincerely, Terry W.

I haven’t even started our build and I’ve considered pulling the plug already and just buying a home (although we had been looking for 5+ years before acquiring this land with no luck). Not so much due to the stress (it’s just a house after all...too many people place too much importance on it), but for the financial aspect. I would love to be able to retire before 50, and that’s actually a possibility if we’re smart about our money. I’m slowly coming to the realization that there’s nothing financially smart about building new. It’s always going to cost much more than to buy, but you’re paying a premium for customization and often, location. Something we have to weigh as to whether it’s an absolute must for us.

In the end, we will probably still end up building, and if/when that time comes, I sure hope it’s not as bad as it is for some of you.

Terry I completely understand how stress sometimes does the talking - we've all been there. Now go give that woman a hug and tell her everything is going to be ok because you're in it together.

We’re almost done and it hasn’t been near as bad as ppl say. Btw, I’m the lady, if that frames this answer better. I think if you’re young and haven’t been through a lot together yet, it will reveal all the “cracks” in your relationship, but that’s not a bad thing at all. Learn how to REALLY compromise, not just hush up for fear of offending then be filled with resentment down the road. Remember that this house needs to be comfortable for BOTH of you. Don’t be one of these tacky people who make their husband put all his favorite things in boxes. An old Nirvana poster or Lord of the Rings figurine is not going to destroy the decor of an entire house. As for budget, I had to remind myself often that what mattered was having a functional home, and that the money should go to things like good plumbing before it goes to, say, a chandelier. In the stores I would remind myself that never once in my life have I ever looked up at a ceiling and thought, “that fan is HIDEOUS!” Most of the small things you’re looking at now, you’re not going to pay that much attention to once they’re installed. So I kept that in mind, because debt makes a marriage harder.

After three new homes in nine years, it's not building a new home that has driven mrs. worthy to distraction. That, and the peeling, leaking and general decrepitude she lives with. The house too!

When my last husabnd and I built our house, it was a really stressful period. We quarreled quite often. And they decided to get a divorce. Yes, it was a difficult period. Therefore, I finished building the house myself.

We just finished building a house....and it was very stressful. I don’t know how other people did it, but ONE person usually makes all of the decisions and the other one gets to complain!

Make sure you are both on the same page about building a house. It’s going to cost 25% more than what you've saved for. If you planned financially-good...then be prepared for the move. It’s going to be great, but hard to transition.

The house isn’t going to be perfect...lower your expectations and enjoy it.

We were fortunate that building didn't affect the relationship negatively. There were a few disagreements and worries but nothing that couldn't be smoothed over. Believe it or not, there were several things that happened in our lives apart from the build that became a bigger worry, to the point that the house was the least of our problems. That put a perspective on the build that we might not have otherwise had. We were also very fortunate that our builder is excellent and easy to work with.

There is or rather was stress even after we moved in and much of the build was done since a fair bit was left to do. Now a little over ten months later, everything (except my man cave) is done, home is fully furnished, all bits and pieces that make a home are in place, rarely does a day go by when my DW does not compliment something or the other in our home; I call that a win. We hosted the annual residents HOA meeting in our home on Saturday, which was a hit, residents got to see the inside of our home (or palace as a couple of them called it) for the very first time. Then yesterday DW invited a bunch of her close co-workers to the house since too much food was left over from Saturday and she wanted to reveal where she lived and her Co-workers had no idea about anything, and that was a hit too. DW is over the moon, she no longer complains the house is too big, no longer complains about the excesses on the build, etc. We are now stronger than ever even after 41 years; life is good.

it has affected mine greatly. we've christened every room!

That's either very bad or very good.

Regarding the darling children....My Beloved at age 11 and his family moved into their home when it was watertight....it took 7 years to finish, and he learned many valuable skills. We have lived through 3 kitchens remodels, two bath remodels, one whole townhouse gut and remodel (the only one we did not have to live in!) and a new build ski house where we camped as a family in the basement every weekend during ski season because it was not ready and the dog was not welcome at the hotel! We have two girls, who grew up with construction as a concept. As a result, they both bought fixer uppers, and were able to cope with their own projects...one bought a loft style (as in bad 80’s office space!) condo that needed everything! She is about to sell it at a very nice profit and is moving onto a vintage 1964 mid mod in the suburbs....another fixer.
Her younger sister is now a landlord, renting out her condo, having moved on to a wee hoose with a garden for her big black dug (she’s in Scotland!) Kids are very adaptable, and learning to be patient while Mom and Dad get stuff done is a valuable life skill...and the TV exists for exactly this kind of stuff!

We have been gutting a house that we are living in and doing 80% of the work by ourselves . We having been building for 2 years now and have another year to go.
I love everything we do because seeing the result of ripping out a wall or doing anything is quite satisfying. I miss my friends and any other thing I used to do before we started renovating., matter of fact I don’t even know what people do on weekends if they aren’t renovating !
Yes we argue yes we play the blame game when things go wrong, when you live in construction it takes 2 times as long to renovate, I wouldn’t recommend living in it,
we are also only working on weekends.
Not often do we go to bed mad, but I do find that that’s all I can talk about and not many people care or want to lend a hand, is just us .

So much depends on your builder. We got very lucky with ours and we are about a month from done. And it hasn’t been bad. It’s sort of like having to do tax returns monthly. Just stuff to decide and get through and keep track of. work and time, sometimes tedious. More exciting than tax returns but similar in that there just stuff to do and so many details to juggle.

Hal and I are s now a little over 2 years into our build and things didn't start out as perfect as I would like. I woke up one morning and discovered he had decided on the final shape of our house without me, (assuming, I believe, that I had said sure go with that L-shape when I thought we were still discussing a square house,) and ordered the shell from the pole barn company.

Also we apparently didn't realize while sitting in the car on the build site and looking at the view from the back of the house, that he was looking more to the east and I was looking more to the south. Since he was the one that called and paid the guy to grade the hill, he would not change it, so I am stuck with a backyard that faces east/southeast rather than south/southeast.

Oh well.

However since then, things have gone fairly smoothly though occasionally one of us will get, shall I say, a little strident when things aren't going as well as we hoped. But we don't go to bed mad and don't blame each other. I do tend to push to get things done a little more often than he does, (otherwise the windows would have been ordered very late).

Maybe it also makes a difference that we aren't together 24 hours every day of the week. He stays at his mom's house a lot, just 3 miles away from the build while I go home at night because of my dogs. It will be interesting to see how we go forward though with the stress that we haven't been able to sell our current house, (market in northeastern MI still hasn't recovered from the crash more than a decade ago,) so we are basically out of money to construct the interior.

Could be a long and frustrating next few years.

Since 1996, at least 75% of my custom clients have remained in their homes.

When the process is done properly it's a project that they have worked on together.

To everyone here: get at least two really large pieces of Black tourmaline rocks and place one in your primary area like family room/kitchen and another in your bedroom, I use the second one in my office. It works well for us, negativity and disagreements reduced by 95%, I could not believe how well it worked for us, two extremely strong personalities. I managed to locate and purchase these large natural rocks while we were vacationing in Spain last June, these are around 6"x2"x2". If you can't find large ones, buy a few smaller ones and put them in a flat dish or something.

I did other things too, to improve our luck and so far it's working.

Pinebaron I must say, your last post surprises me. I don't know you (obviously) but would never put you in the woo-woo crystals camp! Now before anyone jumps down my throat, that is said mostly tongue in cheek. I pretty much don't discount anything spiritual/mystical - if it works for you in your life who am I to say otherwise? A dear friend is WAY into it, arranging specific crystals with the moon and other astrological changes and I do scratch my head but it has meaning to her. I'm curious what prompted you to incorporate this in your home.

Buzz Solo you deserve a medal. Already 2 years in, some significant decisions that are not what you wanted, a difficult housing market..... and you still come here to report your progress on the build thread and be a cheerleader for everyone else even when their builds zoom past yours. Hopefully frustrations will not be as significant as you anticipate going forward.

@DLM2000-GW No I was never in a woo-woo crystals camp ever; then tried and it helped. Why not! We moved across the country and it was primarily my desire to build an even larger home designed from the ground up by us, and DW had to make a million decisions, all this caused a lot of stress particularly when it was a two year build, I worked a lot out of state and she'd have to come and review the work and report issues back to me, a lot of stress indeed 'due to my build and exacting standards'.

However I'd do anything to make my other half feel better. Then while on a trip to Spain, in Malaga, in an open market I saw a vendor selling all sorts of stones and I was looking for a black stone for decorations when I discovered that one and read about it and bought two of the largest ones the vendor had. I put my disbelief's aside and brought them home, put them up and the rest is history. What can I say, she's a happy camper now; sheer coincidence? Perhaps but I'm not testing it.

I found that conspicuously cleaning my .357 revolver kept arguments to a minimum.

@mushcreek LOL

mushcreek, lol, that wouldn't work for either of us as we both know how to use guns but, I also know how to break kneecaps from all those karate classes I took, assuming I can get within reach, DH is 7 inches taller than me. ;-)

DLM2000-GW, I hope things improve soon, till then we will keep plugging along. In the meantime I am doing lots of research on counter materials and fireplaces, appliances, etc. And fiddling with the floor plan. Every so often I get AN IDEA. (cue DH rolling his eyes.)

Pinebaron, if it works I won't knock it. I'm starting to think I need to get one of those St Joseph statues to bury upside down in my yard. I'm ready to try anything to get this house to sell. (Short of dropping it another $40k). There must be someone else out there who would like to live in a knotty pine house in the middle of a cedar swamp in northeastern Michigan!

@Buzz hope you sell your home soon; wishing you best of luck one way or another.

I have found that finding a common enemy in our builder has helped create a unified front with each other. We're too busy being stressed out with our builder to get mad at each other. We're just anxious for when he is done and we can take over and do things correctly.

mgh_pa: then one day its such a relief when its all over and we don't have to plan the next argument, chat or estimate with the builder.

From the beginning my DH accepted that the house is never done and never will be done. All he asks is that 1 project be truly complete before starting another (no unfinished loose ends dragging out for months/years).

From the beginning my DH accepted that the house is never done and never will be done. All he asks is that 1 project be truly complete before starting another (no unfinished loose ends dragging out for months/years).

A finished house is a listed house.

Along that same thought process: The best time to sell a house is the day the construction is finished.

We did almost a whole house renovation in the past few years: inside and out. I was the research queen: researched craftsmen, rock walls, pavers, asphalt driveway, kitchen designers, cabinetry, counters, faucets,appliances, windows, sliding doors flooring, vanities, toilets, pivot mirrors, prep work for painting, entry doors, doorknobs , lighting, smoke alarms, doorbells, wall to wall carpeting, oak staircase and bannister. We painted the entire inside of our home after lots of prep work fixing cracks, nail pops, sanding and priming. Oh my gosh just thinking about all we did, and had done, is a bit astonishing. Hubby and I went through some real trying times. We rotated with our anxiety attacks and sleepless nights. Stress either kills you or makes you stronger. We came out strong with the grace of God. Never underestimate the power of prayer❣️All that is left to do is to paint my new front door when the weather gets cooler, and get new interior door knobs ( that I am still researching ). Oh, and a few more window treatments. We now have our “forever home”.

Pinebaron: how did you find out about those tourmaline rocks??

I perfectly understand va. I myself a little bit divorced my wife, but the ohms were still able to save our marriage, and of course we finished the repair))

@Pinebaron We finally sold our house in September 2020. we lost money on it but it's out of our hair (and I left my old neighbors with a good new neighbor!) And DH and I are still married, still frustrated in different ways (the home building board has seen a lot of my "can't find an HVAC guy" posts, but we're getting there. What worries more I think is what we're going to do with ourselves when it's done and we move in! we're going to have to find another project so we don't sit and stare at each other all day.

kculbers

3 months ago

Pinebaron: how did you find out about those tourmaline rocks??

kculbers: My apologies for not responding sooner, just saw your message. Some online research plus knowledge gleaned from a book of fortune or something, helped a lot since I was previously only aware of stones negatively impacting various things. Now I keep a very large tourmaline rock on my office desk below my monitor and another really large one in our living room; that definitely did the trick for us. Now it's almost exactly three years since we moved to our 'masterpiece' although it only became party capable a year later (we love to entertain), i.e. by Thanksgiving 2019. At the time the pandemic struck, my DW was promoted at her work and my own work tripled due to an insane demand for what I do, helping generate an enormous surplus, an ingredient that helped grease the wheels of life.

Buzz Solo in northeast MI

@Pinebaron We finally sold our house in September 2020. we lost money on it but it's out of our hair (and I left my old neighbors with a good new neighbor!) And DH and I are still married, still frustrated in different ways (the home building board has seen a lot of my "can't find an HVAC guy" posts, but we're getting there. What worries more I think is what we're going to do with ourselves when it's done and we move in! we're going to have to find another project so we don't sit and stare at each other all day.

Buzz Solo: A house, no matter how complete, is always going to need some love and there should always be a project or two in-flight to keep you both interested and engaged. If all is really done and when travel becomes easier, take a vacation or two, even a one day sightseeing or window shopping excursion can do wonders.

Buzz Solo, we solved the problem of what to do after moving in by traveling more (until covid hit) and getting a second dog. LOL. And fixing everything the builder did incorrectly.

@cpartist Hi there! Hmmm, already have 2 dogs, large ones, and we'd be fixing our own mistakes for the most part (well, other than the hidden recessed light fixture the drywallers covered). But DH has mentioned something about building a sugar shack so we can get back to making maple syrup, and I could dig out my canvases and paints and make a little art for the walls, I suppose... 😊