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Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Posted by jujubean71 (julie@schradermarketing.com) on
Mon, Jan 27, 14 at 23:40

We bought an empty lot last summer and are now building on it. It's a 100' lot on a sandy beach along Lake Michigan. Our neighbors to our south were VERY upset that nearly all the trees on our lot were cleared (by necessity) when our basement was dug, including many blue spruces they planted twenty years ago. Yes, these were trees they planted not on their lot but on our lot, and they were livid that we had the audacity to remove them. We were baffled but whatever. We moved on.

There is no HOA, nor are there ordinances about tree removal.

We received a nasty letter today from the neighbor, claiming that by removing those trees, we've caused enormous problems for them this winter due to heavy, unprecedented snow drifting they haven't experienced since moving there 42 years ago. They also say our house construction has devalued their home. The woman (whose husband is quite ill with cancer which we feel terrible about) demands that my husband comes up with a solution to their problems since he is ... an engineer. (?????)

The question is: do we even bother responding? Say something I hadn't considered? Just ignore? Bake them a cake?

We have always becomes great friends with our neighbors, and this makes me so sad.

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Hi xxx. We received your letter today. It is certainly unfortunate that our entire region is receiving more snow and drifting than we've had for nearly 40 years. I'm sure you realize the unusually high volume of snow and drifting is definitely not unique to xxx Drive nor to your house. We do appreciate that the snow removal is frustrating for you to tackle, especially with xxx being so sick.

xxx, we understand you are angry with us. We and our contractors have endured yelling, swearing, rude hand gestures, being called "the xxxx" and so on since our house construction began. However, we've done nothing wrong. We have simply built a house within our legal parameters. We disagree 100% that we are to blame for the various negative things you suggest.

As an engineer, xxx has no special knowledge of how to curb snow accumulation. If you feel that trees would protect your home better, we can only recommend that you plant as many trees as you'd like on your lot once the weather warms up. It's rather unfortunate that when xxx planted all those blue spruces 20 years ago, he didn't plant them on your lot but instead on the empty lot next to you that we eventually bought. If you like blue spruces, by all means, you should plant blue spruces on your own property. We personally are not fans of pine trees in that environment, so we won't be planting anything in the coniferous family.

We will continue to root for xxx to make a complete recovery. And we will continue to hope that somehow we can reconcile and be on friendly terms with our new neighbors, just as we have always been with all our neighbors.

All our best,
xxx and xxx


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Our house is being built on the empty lot, and their house is to the south and is shown in full on this satellite photo. Our driveway will run along the south edge of our property where the tree line is shown (most trees have since been removed).

The funny thing about their love for trees is they have little to none themselves. :)


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

First, let me say how envious I am that you are building on Lake Michigan.

I think for the most part your response is fine. There are a few things I would eliminate so as not to engage in the argument. Just present the facts that are relevant.

I would eliminate the second and third paragraphs only keeping a sentence: We are building within legal parameters and have removed trees from our property necessary for construction. Don't remind them of their mistake. It will only serve to fuel the fire. You might leave the line about DH not having special knowledge, but could eliminate it entirely.

In the last paragraph I would delete the line about reconciling. Just keep the part about hoping to be on friendly terms with all neighbors. By not mentioning a reconciliation you are rising above it.

By responding to their specific requests, for example DH doing something because he is an engineer, it indicates you have considered it and are again adding to the argument.

Just my two cents from a distance.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I am so sorry to hear that you are having neighbor issues, I know how hard that can be. I agree with rrah about not engaging. And please consider the extreme stress this woman is under with a very sick husband, she is most likely reacting differently than she would have under normal circumstances. Taking care of a sick loved one is very hard on people, stress and possible sleep deprivation can easily cloud your judgement. Best of luck to you and congratulations on your new build!


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

jujubean - really? Come on - this winter is being compared to the winter of 1978 - one of the worst we have had in 35 years. They have to realize that and sound like they are being completely irrational. I can see where they might be 'bummed' about the trees but the onus is on them.

I think your letter sounds appropriate. Rrah's suggestions are good also. I might leave out the sentence pointing out they planted them in error on the lot you bought. Good luck. I hope they come around and the animosity (or overt hostility) resolves once the build is complete and the weather breaks.

This has been quite a winter to be building in - who would have thought after the last 2 mild ones we've had?


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I can understand that they've enjoyed having an empty lot next to them for 40 years -- more privacy, space for the kids to run and play. I don't even have a problem with them planting trees over there, though I personally wouldn't have done it.

But to be angry with you when you make choices for what is now your property?

These people are crazy.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

claiming that by removing those trees, we've caused enormous problems for them this winter due to heavy, unprecedented snow drifting they haven't experienced since moving there 42 years ago.

I agree with rrah ... acknowledge receipt, wish them well, but delete the fingerpointing and excuse making bits. It just adds fuel.

Those trees were probably one heck of a snow fence, and it's common to have evergreens on the windward side of a property for that reason ... unfortunately for them, their efforts at minimizing drifting were on the wrong property.

If they've been there for 42 years, they are in their 60s or maybe 70s, and have been reaping the benefits of the trees all that time, getting to feeling proprietary. It's gotta be a shock to suddenly have half "their" property vanish.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I would not respond because I would not want to be friends with people who don't know and respect proper boundaries and there is little positive that can be achieved for you.

They [disclaimer: not I, but they] already think that you are obnoxious for cutting down your trees and no combination of words will change that they are angry for losing that green space buffer to you.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

A couple points made are why we're debating whether to respond at all.

Maybe it would be best not to engage in any way, remember they're under a lot of stress because of his illness, keep in mind that no sort of construction was going to be welcome on a lot that's been empty all these years and leave it at that.

But rrah and others, you have good suggestions about eliminating several sentences if we decide to respond. The problem is, they are expecting us to replant pine trees this summer, and we have no intention of doing so.

Thanks all.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

If you respond at all it should be only with kindness... I would do it with absolutely no finger pointing, no blaming or anything else but acknowledgement of their feelings, and absolutely nothing about responding to their expectations for a "solution" to their perceived problems. Certainly say nothing that might be perceived in any way as a promise to do something to help them.

....appreciate that they've expressed their concerns...it has been a rough winter on everyone with unusually heavy snows...understand change is difficult for them after all the years of not having a neighbor on that side...acknowledge that the trees removed on your lot were of necessity so the house could be built...know that construction sites can be unpleasant to live next to, but once construction and landscape is complete, a new, well-built home will only enhance the neighborhood....understand it's a difficult time for them for dealing with illness...

No doubt they are venting on you for the difficulties they are going through. They may never get over the trees and most likely you will never have good relations with them as some people can't let go of their anger and blame as it makes them feel powerful...especially as they are victims of an illness over which they have no control.

Odds are they won't be your neighbors for long if he's that ill...she may choose to move after he's gone. Else, she will be widowed and living alone and will eventually need the help of a neighbor and may forgive if not forget.

The thing you don't want is for this to escalate into something even worse...involving the town and lawyers and other things. Even if you're in the right, that can make your life even more miserable and costly.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I would ignore the letter altogether.

It's likely she thought she planted the trees on her property ...that is until it was sold.

Do your best to ignore the situation.

You are putting too much energy into something that you have no control over. Let it go unless you get a letter from an attorney.

What a wonderful property. Please share pictures of your home.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

jujubean-maybe this is just an outlet for all of the stress they are under re: the illness and now the snow and it's the straw that broke the camels back. So they have focused not on the weather and mother nature but the trees that were cut down and that now the drifts are tough.

Come summer - it could all be a distant memory? It is so unreasonable to expect you to replant trees. Maybe time will bring clarity on their part?

I wish you luck.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I think Annie gave the best advice, but I would be careful about anything you send. If at all possible, I would seek guidance from a lawyer on drafting a letter of response. What you send (if you send anything) needs to diffuse their anger and dissuade them from taking legal action or being nastier in the future. It also shouldn't admit anything on your part that could be used against you later. I don't think they have any ground to stand on, but you don't need the headache.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

As someone who just built (well, "just" meaning, we moved in about a year and a half ago) on a lot that had been vacant for years, I know how you feel.

Our lot had been used by the neighborhood kids in a number of ways, including as a pass through to a large vacant field behind our street.

We were fortunate that all of the neighbors nearest to us are awesome. But we do have one goofball who went ballistic on us because we were "ruining her view". (We built a cape cod, so not exactly a 4 story office building or something, AND all the views are to the west....we're to the south of her, but whatever.) She too was mad we cut down trees.

She complained to our builder, she complained to the town, she went to the local zoning board.

It made me sad, because i was hoping to be friends with everyone.

The best advise I can give you is to be benignly pleasant. I liked what Annie wrote. There seems to be little to be gained by further inflaming the situation. It is so hard to take the high road in these situations, but if you're going to be neighbors, I assume you'd rather have as little tension as possible with them.

For what it is worth, my goofball neighbor just ignores us now. I'm ok with that. :)

Good luck!

This post was edited by patriceny on Tue, Jan 28, 14 at 13:28


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I'm so sorry to hear this. It's never great to have neighbor issues before you even move in.
That said, I think I'd ignore the letter too. Even a letter not fueling the fire in any way, but just acknowledging receipt is likely to be met with bad feelings. And who knows how they might misconstrue anything you write.
If he recovers, if they're up to it, they can plant more trees in the spring within the setbacks of the lot line on their property.
If they've been spewing invective at your builders and you when you're present I would definitely just leave the situation alone.

You have such a lovely setting, would love to see updated pics of your construction. We're at the same stage - mechanicals just getting finished up.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Pancake syrup on their mailbox handle....lol....just kidding. ;)


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Just wanted to wish you good luck. I personally would probably just ignore for now, since there isn't anything you can do to "make it better". We have a neighbor that has harassed our builder a few times about our house being too "high", (new building code) and complained that he planned to buy all the leftover lots but never did.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Responding to the pancake syrup idea . . . once I had an end-of-the-day class with a group of boys who thought they had a fun little habit:

They'd all rush to the door when the final bell sounded, and one by one they'd jump up, grab the door frame and do ten pull-ups before leaving. Their purpose was to prevent the rest of the class from getting out the door in a timely manner. The other kids were frustrated, which was what this little group of miscreants wanted.

I told them numerous times to quit -- finally I spread a thick film of Vasoline over the top of the door. At the end of the day, the first kid who jumped up promptly fell right back down. I even gave him a warning. I called out, "Sean, don't do it. Not today." I left it up there the rest of the semester, and the rest of the class was thrilled.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

JDez, thanks for adding a little humor to the situation. I needed that. Husband and I joked last night that we should have "Snow Drift Engineer" t-shirts made.

I appreciate being able to vent.

We have known our neighbors to the north for years, and they love us. Why can't everyone love us? Haha. In fact, neighbors to our north told us they got into it with our neighbors to our south on our behalf when they began to complain to other neighbors trying to solicit support. North neighbors apparently told south neighbors they should have bought the lot if they cared so much about the trees.

Argh. I do hope their attitude softens in time and we can all be on good terms. That is our goal.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I agree with AnnieDeighnaugh,

Rewrite the letter and take all the snark out (i.e.:husband doesn't know snowdrift engineering) and defensiveness (i.e.: We've done nothing wrong. They've convinced themselves you have, and nothing is going to change their minds).

Rather, write a very kind letter. I would tell them that, when you bought the property, one of your hopes was to be a good neighbor and form friendships with your new neighbors and that you are disappointed this one seems to be getting off to a rocky start and that you hope you can both change that trajectory.

State the fact simply, that in order to build the house on the lot you bought, the trees had to be removed.

Acknowledge that the husband is ill, and tell them that, if they ever need anything, i.e.: groceries, whatever, that you hope they will feel free to call on you for help.

IF they are still nasty after that, ignore them. They're probably just nasty neighbors. i've got some myself, and people who are nasty neighbors are not going to come around and in fact will only escalate things if not left alone. That's my opinion, anyway.

This post was edited by Tibbrix on Tue, Jan 28, 14 at 10:32


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Ongoing stress does have terrible effects on people's moods and minds. It often results in PTSD, which I can say from experience makes it impossible to think rationally.

It's easy to say, as many here have, that a person is just "crazy", as if that makes it ok to ignore their feelings. Try to find compassion for her, because her illness is as real as her husband's.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Yes, we most definitely have tried to be compassionate about their circumstances, which is why we wrote a very nice letter to them in September apologizing for upsetting them about the trees and explaining why we needed to remove them. It's also why we have continued to smile, wave and say hello while they have been unkind.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Exactly: "North neighbors apparently told south neighbors they should have bought the lot if they cared so much about the trees. "

Change is hard....and people get really funny about what they perceive to be theirs even if in reality it's not.

Love the tshirt idea (for wearing inside only, hahaha). Good you can laugh about it, I hope it is a distant memory soon.

Our property is a parcel that the guy across the street split from his own. He sold it, no one built for years and we bought it from 2nd owner. So we too have wondered how he is feeling now that it is being built on and sat vacant for so long. So far he seems very kind and friendly. He was concerned about his lights shining into our house when turning in the drive etc but we assured him all of our private spaces are in the back and lights will not be waking anyone up! That did make me wonder if rather he was concerned about our home placement and privacy for his own. I think the way we have it placed will work out nicely for both of us. In the summer the leaves from the trees will give nice cover so that is a non-issue. Again - change is hard. Although I think he is fine with it as he is the one that sold it, it must be a weird feeling to look across the street after all these years and see a house and people! We bought a 2 acre parcel and his is around 8-10 or so? It cannot be split into anything less than 2 so there can be no additional homes built on our side of the street.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Unless she sent the letter certified, I'd ignore it. If you feel you must respond, I'd check with a lawyer first. If she's that old and her husband is sick, I'm guessing she'll be moving soon...and that will take care of the problem.

It's the other neighbors (a few houses on each side) who will be there after she moves and will have formed opinions on how you handled this. Cut her some slack and build your home. By the time you move, it may all resolve itself.

What you do NOT want to do is antagonize her. No matter how RIGHT you are and how WRONG they are...your other neighbors (besides your friends) will never forget how you handled this situation. Ignore it and rise above it...unless she gets a lawyer or continues harassing your work crew. Continued harassment may mean a call to a lawyer or sheriff...but let's hope it calms down. Do NOT add fuel to the fire, as mentioned earlier.

I hope by the time you move in, all you'll be thinking about is your lovely home and the beautiful view. Best of luck with the situation...


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I agree with those who said not to respond to the letter. Probably face-to-face conversation would be better, with or without the cake. Only write things you would want in an official record.

Did you meet them and tell them what you planned before carrying out the work? While you might not have needed their permission, they might have appreciated a heads up since your construction did affect their enjoyment of their property. They might have still been upset but might not have sent that letter. I'm saying this because you sound like you'd like to rescue a relationship, and one way may be to acknowledge that you regret not giving them notice of your plans (whether you do or not). But let some time pass first, if their hackles are still raised. Another thing is that a good snow fence could make for a good neighbor. You might not owe them anything in a legal sense, but such a modest gesture at this point could head off years of uncomfortable interactions. Good luck!


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

dadereni, the snow fence is a really great idea (!) and something we hadn't considered. We put up silt fence along our north and south property lines, but that has long since been buried in snow.

Yes, before we started any site clearing, my husband and I knocked on their door to introduce ourselves, told them we'd be happy to share our house plans with them so they'd know what was being built (which we did) and actually asked the lady if there were any trees along the border they were particularly fond of. She said no. That's part of the reason we were so baffled about their actions after the trees were already down. The neighbor to our north asked if we'd do what we can to save a certain tree, and we obliged, cutting the branches back instead.

I'll ask my husband about the snow fence. Doesn't seem hard to do. And maybe I'll bring them a cake at the same time.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Jujubean. So sorry you are having trouble with your neighbors. I think you have done almost everything you can and they are still upset. Since you have sent them a nice letter in September and they are still not happy I would not bother with the letter. Having a snow fence sounds like a great idea.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I agree with others that the letter sounded a little passive aggressive. Which isn't a totally unfair response -- since it sounds like they've been outright aggressive! -- but I do think it won't really do you any good. There's no point in debating with them at this point, especially about stuff they already know (the trees were on your lot, for example).

If you decide to respond to the note, IMO there's no real reason to involve a lawyer (unless you have one that owes you a favor or something ;)), but I would actually seriously consider consulting one before putting up a snow fence. Assuming you don't already have a responsibility to them (I wouldn't think you would, but I'm not a RE lawyer and don't know if there are any particularities involved in this particular location), I don't know that you would want to assume (or be perceived as assuming) any responsibility to try to mitigate their snow drift issue. I'd think you could even just offer to help her put one up on her property while making it clear that you were doing as a favor as a good neighbor and not taking responsibility for any snow drifts, the fence itself, etc.

Also, I bought a house from someone who'd lived in it for 20 years and whose husband had terminal cancer -- it was a really, really tough transaction. I truly did have sympathy for them, but the sellers were really pretty unreasonable; obviously, there were a lot of emotions at play.

Good luck! I'm sorry for you that this has happened, but that house is going to be amazing and hopefully make up for everything!

This post was edited by StellaMarie on Tue, Jan 28, 14 at 17:36


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

hmmm I still think that Anne had the best reply.
kindness. it must be a terrible time for your neighbors.
sometimes when stressed about one thing, one will
lash out at a lesser thing.

since they sent a letter to you, I'd send one in
reply. a kind gracious letter. keep copies
of the letter they wrote originally with your
reply. and any other written correspondance.

snow fence sounds like an idea, hope it isn't too
expensive.
nice to know that you are being compassionate
with your future neighbors.
a little kindness & understanding goes a long
way.
and if it doesn't help, at least you took the
high road.

best of luck.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

They are off their rocker imo. It's amazing what people think they are entitled to these days. ;) And plenty of mean people get sick. That said. I personally believe that cake (or any baked goods for that matter!) can have an incredible softening effect on people. It's hard to dislike (or holler at) someone who has made you something special. I've witnessed it dozens of times, and each time I'm somewhat shocked! So even if you don't respond at all or discuss it with them in person... a cake is a great idea! I think it's really cool you thought of it, in the middle of all this. Good luck!


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Another no response vote. If they moved to the property 42 years ago, they knew exactly what lake effect snow would do to their property. Trees planted in 1972 would not provide effective snow screening for several years. There were major storms from 1974 through 1979. They planted the trees on property they did not own. They did not want to put in the work required for maintenance such as mowing around them or pruning if they were on their property.

When someone lives in a neighborhood with common areas or next to an empty lot for years, oftentimes they assume ownership - in their minds. Legal permanent ownership is not theirs, but they feel as though they have a right to the property. It is a centuries old problem.

I hope you are able to have some form of a neighborly relationship with them. Best of luck.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I would consider talking to a lawyer before responding, not so much about legal issues (although he could help with that), but because lawyers deal with upset people all the time, and a lawyer could advise about what approach is likely to lead to a peaceful resolution.

My instinct is to not engage. They're upset, and any response from you is likely to go over badly, given their circumstances and the fact that their neighborhood is changing. Also, given that you can't do what they want, any response is likely to upset them again, and they don't need that.

Once construction is done and you are in the house, you can work on repairing the relationship, but as others have said, they may not be there very long anyhow.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Ignore the letter.
Send a get better card if you feel like it.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Welcome to the last two months of my life! Previously friendly neighbors (we rent down the street from our lot) declared full out war on our home as soon as the dirt work started. Be glad the letter was only sent to you, not also to the city building and permits office and the developer and the county tax office, and anyone else our neighbors could think of. They've been the only house on the waterfront end of our neighborhood for 10 years. Our only response has ever been "We're happy to show you our plot plan and house plans to alleviate your concerns." It got worse and worse and worse. It really makes me so sad and disappointed. I'm sure this isn't the end of our trouble with them, but at least they seem to have stopped groundlessly demanding we and/or the city and/or county stop construction.

I googled "can my neighbor stop my home construction" and found lots of information, as well as consulting with my attorney brother and our architect and our builder. Bottom line is, no matter what this couple felt, everything we did was legal and appropriate and approved and they have no ground to stand on. I wish you the best!


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Well, I'm going to talk from the other side and suggest you reconsider the cake. When we were in your neighbor's situation, in the middle of it all, we had an issue at home and the neighbors offered to bring dinner. I didn't know about it, and DH was still livid so he simply never responded. I found the letter much later, and it was charmingly written. To tell you the truth, the meal (and she's a good cook) would have tasted like chalk because we already had such a bad taste in our mouths.

There's not much special you can do, just be yourselves, and I can tell you are very nice! And if the neighbors ever do approach you in friendship, let them. My neighbor never accepted my apology for some choice words I uttered and for my attitude. How are things now? We moved!


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

JuJu

Life is short. Way too short to spend time and energy trying to convince narrow-minded individuals to come to their senses. No matter what you try, most likely you will upset them. Letters and emails can easily be misinterpreted and seldom does the recipient fully understand the intent. People get hung up on parts of sentences and punctuation. It gets pretty ridiculous.

I've dealt with my fair share of nut jobs. I am currently dealing with one while waiting for my new home to be completed. After having our yard fence on what we were told was the lot line we have been informed by the new owner of the vacant property behind us that we must immediately move one corner approximately 5'. I met with him and there was no way he was even going to listen to what I was saying. After all was done I just told him to go pound sand. I figure if he wants that 5' it will cost him. My fence has been up for over 10 years and I'll just be difficult right back. Of course I am planning to remove the fence before I close, but I'm not telling him that. I'm enjoying the notion that he is spending way more time than me worrying about it.

Just move on. They'll either come around or they won't. Don't let it deter you from the joys of building a new home. Nothing pleases a joy-sucker more than folks walking headfirst into their trap.

Good luck...

Saftgeek-


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I decided to take them a cake and a card tomorrow. If they throw them in the trash, at least we tried to extend an olive branch.

Tucked inside the envelope, I'm going include a short, handwritten note saying if they need help erecting a snow fence yet this winter to let us know and also restate -- as we said in September -- that we'd be happy to work with them once we move in on planting some vegetation along the property line. (Just no dreaded pines on my beach, thank you very much!)


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Best of luck, juju...That's a lot more than I would ever offer...I'd be afraid that that could be taken as a sign of accepting responsibility for their issue, like admitting guilt when you have done no wrong. At most I would offer to take their concerns into consideration when you are ready to landscape your grounds...that way you are not promising anything...only that you will consider it.

There is just no pleasing some people. We went to the u pick it farm and hand picked a whole slew of strawberries... more than we could eat, so we gave a bunch to the neighbor lady... Nora as I recall. She had the nerve to come over and tell us that she had to throw them all out as they all had worms! We said we ate ours just fine and found no worms and in fact had never heard of worms in strawberries. The implication of course was that we kept the non-wormy ones for ourselves and gave her the bad ones. Like why would we even bother. (Best I can figure Nora couldn't tell the difference between worms and strawberry seeds.) My parents took it in stride, bless their hearts, as that was Nora. Of course, for all we knew, Nora ate them and was hoping we'd give her more.

Some people are purposely impossible to please as that keeps others continually trying to do so. My GFs mother always used that manipulation on her.

But I diverge...sorry.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I understand, and they too may be impossible to please. But we already offered a few months ago to work with them on planting some sort of vegetation, and we'd like to do this anyway. So we're only restating our willingness to do so. We may run into difficulties if/when they expect a row of pine trees and we desire something else, but we are not legally culpable to plant anything.

I am going to choose to ignore her suggestion that we have CAUSED the snow and drifts in front of their house because it's simply not true. And I'm going to choose to ignore their up-until-now rude behavior.

I heard from a mutual friend that the man just got home from a month-long hospital stay where he received a bone marrow transplant. So, as we have thought and many here have suggested, the woman is probably just lashing out in many respects. Our mutual friend and others have said they are normally very nice and easy going people, so we shall see.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I'm going to run this past our attorney and the building inspector just to be doubly sure.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Why not send some chicken soup or something over to them with just a "Hope you are feeling well soon. Please let us know if there is anything we can help with" note? If they respond kindly at all, invite the wife over for a cup of tea to give her a respite from the stress of care taking, but I think if you do, it's okay to tell her that you would like to get to know her better and not discuss the tree/property issues.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Oops, sorry. I read your comment about bringing them a cake after I posted the chicken soup suggestion.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I wouldn't! He may be limited on what he can eat (after hospital stay) and you do not need a health complication on top of the other problems! People have so many allergies these days....not to mention interactions with medications! I know, my husband just had a long hospital stay.

I'd play it safe and just be nice. I'd avoid them for now and be pleasant if you see them this spring. Maybe start by planting a hedge or something...?


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Perhaps your neighbors think the trees you removed were on their property. That would explain their letter to you. It is hard to imagine someone complaining that you removed your own trees. My first response to receiving their letter would be to double check I had not gone over the property line.

Is the property line clearly defined by pins or markers? Did you have it surveyed before you bought it? Builders in our area often have no clear idea of where the line is and accidentally clear trees beyond it.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

jujubean-I hope whatever you decided to make/bake is seen as the kind gesture it's meant to be and does soften the tension that they are feeling. Be sure to come back and share how it is received. Hoping well and you can move on from this.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

No, there was absolutely no misunderstanding about the property line. We had it surveyed, staked and completely lined with bright pink survey ribbon.

I agree with you ... hard to imagine.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Thanks, Autumn. I will.

Our attorney gave me the thumb's up on trying the nice, bring them a treat approach.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I had a woman in tears begging me not to remove rotten trees that were inside the footprint of my house. Then the neighbors asked if they could still use the walking path they had put down in pavers in the rear of our wooded property. I think they thought our lot would remain "community" property but they'll adjust. Ignore the ridiculous stuff and take the high road. Be good neighbors and over time you will patch things up. Your crews can take a little abuse too, they generally aren't delicate types.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

No doubt you should follow your own better instincts, and many of the great suggestions above.

While reading the saga, I, on the other hand, couldn't help but think that an alternate response would be to forward the bill for removing the trees your neighbor planted on your property to your neighbor.

This approach would likely reduce the chance of repairing the relationship...


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Hahahaha. We'll hold on to your idea as a back up option! ;-)


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

We too have neighbors that don't want us building. In this county, neighbors within so many feet have a chance to request a hearing with the county board to list any concerns about our building. Two of our neighbors sent in requests with their concerns but never showed up for the hearing. The board approved our building and listed how we were building within the requirements(and there were a lot of requirements). One of them has built a beautiful bench on our property-which will have to go-not looking forward to that-especially since my husband is ticked and just wants to rip it up. Its hard fro me as we have wonderful neighbors here and the idea of moving across country to a place where we aren't wanted is not easy. One of the things I keep telling myself is that its not us personally that they don't want, they just don't want anyone building on that lot.(Other neighbors have used it as a dog park-they've been fairly friendly to us while we were there). Good luck and keep us posted on how things progress.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I guess we were fortunate as our old house was vacant for years before we started building and neighbors used our yard like a park...they fished, walked their dogs, took photos, hunted, etc. I was afraid it might be an issue, but as we got closer to moving in, they respected our property and we had no problems.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

As an aside, there is such a thing as "adverse possession" where you can actually lose your land to a neighbor if they have uninterrupted use and control of a portion of your property for a certain period of time.

Here is a link that might be useful: Adverse possession


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I have neighbors who also could not believe I was removing their privacy screen which was on my property. Then they tried to take over the area and would not back off until I posted no-tresspassing signs and told them I would serve a warrant on them. So then they hired someone to plant bamboo in the few feet of grey area that I left on their side of the fence (but was in fact still mine) which has now over-run a third of my property. They hired someone to barricade their side, of course. So now they have their privacy screen back, on my property. The whole process was so onerous that I'm content just to not be able to see their backyard anymore (or them).

The only way to deal with them now is zero contact. Yes, some people are very irrational. There is nothing rational people can do to change that.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I agree with those who said to ignore them. Based on their behavior so far, you are in a no-win situation; nothing you do will make them happy. I would be very cautious about any action, intended or not, that would indicate an acceptance of blame on your part for the situation.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Invisible Hand - you made me actually laugh out loud. I love someone with a sense of humor! :)

Jujubean - you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. The cool thing about posting here is if you get 17 replies, chances are you'll get 17 totally different ideas to choose from.

Good luck, and I'd love to hear how it turns out.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

patriceny, that is true about receiving many different opinions and ideas, and I am thankful for each of them. The responses have helped me sort out my thoughts and my desired reaction.

I will try the "heaping burning coals" approach knowing it may do no good ... yet hoping that it might.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I don't know if you know these neighbors other than in this vein, but perhaps they are actually pretty nice and just mourning the loss of trees and good health and life as they knew it. When all is done, or at least the house, they may turn out to be, if not good friends, good neighbors.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

bp, that's the assumption I'm choosing to go with.

I feel terrible that during their difficult time, they're bombarded with noisy contractors and equipment.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

He's recovering from a bone marrow transplant? I would suggest you not bring food over. He has to be in essentially a 'sterile' environment with little to no contact
with others and there are all sorts of restrictions in re
to what he can or cannot eat. Also, no flowers (if you were even thinking along those lines). This must be an incredibly stressful time for them, and I would not judge them by what they say or do right now - (hard as that might be) - their life is in utter turmoil and will be for some time until they know whether the transplant is successful or not. Perhaps an offer to bring something over would be appropriate, but I would not arrive with food without clearing it with them first. Or, arrive at their door without
making sure they can have visitors - he is at very high risk and any contact with someone who even has a slight cold could be deadly.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

From past experience I will offer you my opinion on this situation. I would ignore the letter. No matter how kind and nice you are, people like that have a tendency to twist things and one response leads to another. I feel at this point it's a no win situation. I would not take a cake over at this point either. Despite your kindness it could still turn into an ugly situation and only add to your stress. If they come over and say hello, I would say hello back, but I would not get into any discussions with them about the trees. You basically want the situation to defuse itself. In time you may end up being best friends, but likely it'll be a situation where you tolerate one another.

If you have an attorney who has been retained by you during your property purchase, I would ask his or her advice, and if they see fit to a response it should come from your attorney. Most likely an attorney wouldn't respond at all at this point. There really isn't anything your neighbor can do to you...at least not legally.

We once built a home where our neighbor came over and said his wife resented our building a house on our lot. She had gotten used to it as being "hers". My response was they should have purchased our lot if they didn't want a neighbor building there. He left and that was that. As time went on we had many back yard chats.

We found we did not like living in a sub division with an HOA and have now moved and built a home in farm country. We are now acres away from neighbors, but we like living like that. Our neighbors are really nice people and we all mind our own business.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

We built our home last year on the center of 30 wooded acres and our nearest neighbor is about 1000' away and our property line runs about 50' away from the neighbors home.
My sons 19 and 17 years old were riding our 4 wheelers on our property (we had it surveyed/flagged) last year and then came in to eat. I hear a knock on the door and answer it and the husband/neighbors is standing there and says "I need to talk to you"...I say go ahead and talk and he says "in private"
We go outside and he says that he and his wife like to go out naked in the hot tub every evening and they were out in the tub naked and the wife was afraid that the boys saw her and she doesn't want to go naked anymore.

It was hard to keep from laughing but he did acknowledge that my sons were on our property and he was actually pretty decent about the whole deal. I told him that I would mention to my sons not to ride near their property but I couldn't guarantee that they wouldn't. He apologized several times for any inconvenience but said he just really enjoys the hot tub time....TMI :)

Once I told my sons that they might see a 75 year old naked couple if they rode over there they now avoid that area like it is a toxic dump.

When we speak of our neighbors we refer to them as The Naked Neighbors.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

haha LOTO that story really had me laughing out very loudly.

good one.

I think I would also vote ignore it all for now, you have enough on your hands and that despite any good intentions you have to smooth things over it probably won't do any good at this point.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

If you respond...she knows you received the letter. If you never mention it, she might wonder. If things calm down (with her husband's illness) and she wants to try to make friends later....knowing you saw that letter will make it more difficult.

She's having a really BAD time...I know. She isn't handling it very well (unfortunately) but she might be a very nice person, normally. Let her have the opportunity to live this down. Don't say or do anything and if she ever brings it up, I'd say....oh, did you send a letter? We must have missed it. We were so busy with the build.....


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I conferred with a mutual friend who's quite close with the lady and speaks to her frequently. The friend thought my idea would be a nice gesture. So this afternoon, I dropped off a basket of fruit, muffins, trail mix and a card with a short, handwritten note tucked inside. I placed the package on their doorstep, knocked on the door and left so they wouldn't be "bothered" by me.

So it's a done deal. Hopefully they received the gift in the spirit it was intended and it helped to soften relations. If not, that's just the way it goes sometimes. At least we tried. And I really just felt led to try.

Thanks for your feedback, everyone.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

LOTO, that is a great story!


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I have been alive long enough to know that only Time can heal the damage in such a situation for you and for them. So let time pass.

Do whatever you need to do to put this out of your mind but do not compromise yourself by getting mired in the issues; they are of no real or lasting importance.

As people get older they overreact to perceived slights. I saw it in my parents and I begin to see it in myself.

Patience is difficult for the young. Wait this out and they will either become your friends or move away. It will eventually be just fine. Only the love of your family is essential for a good life so don't worry about the rest.

Relax and enjoy your house and keep us posted about your progress.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Thanks, Renovator. I truly am focused on our house and not on this matter ... except for this thread. I'm busy selecting plumbing and light fixtures.

I spent some time at our house today with blizzard conditions outside (what's new?) and was happy to see crews plugging away inside on insulation and a few other things. Our new home is is going to be awesome and the beach and sunsets will be amazing! We're really pleased with the way things are shaping up.

Here's a photo from a couple weeks ago of our great room. You can hopefully see the fireplace chase going up the center which will be covered in wide horizontal shiplap. Our MBR, closet and bath is behind that.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

loto-I cannot imagine what it took for that man to come over and disclose that! Haha, that is hilarious...and I can see how your boys would naturally avoid that side of the perimeter! In our old home I had a 'Sam blind' installed. Our neighbor Sam thought nothing of knocking and if we didn't come to the door right away he'd go to the window and look in and if still nothing he may just walk around the back of our house and look in those windows. Ummmm, is there NO privacy in this world?

juju-house looks great!


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Haha loto! I had to do something similar...mention to our neighbors that we have an outdoor shower that we use in the summer, so if they wander over in our back yard, they might see more "wildlife" than they care to!


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

LOL I love it LOTO, and Annie.

I agree with Renovator.

Love the house Juju :)


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

LOTO - your story is awesome. :)

Jujubean, I think you did a nice thing. I hope it works - and like you said, if not.....you know you tried.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

I received a nice email from the woman today thanking us for the basket and offers of assistance, kindly restating her frustration over the snow accumulation in front of her entry door due to the trees being gone (I'm smiling ... ), and even wishing us well with our construction projet.

That was a welcome email indeed.

To give you a visual, this is how our 120+ inches of snow to date is being "shoveled" this year from entryways:


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Jujubean, that is good news. The email, not the snow! Sounds like she is as the neighbors describe. I'm sending you a warm wave from the opposite shore over here!

I've been watching the optimistic Facebook posts from Race to Mackinac, will you be able to see them from your beach, if the lake ever thaws, that is?


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

10' of snow is enough to make anyone cranky! So glad your gesture of kindness was well received!


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

bp, that's a good question, and while the official route passes right in front of us, I'm not yet sure of the answer from our beach. We've seen them from taller vantage points (steep sand dune cliffs to the south, Sleeping Bear Dunes to the north), but I think it'll depend on winds and how far offshore they need to race at that particular time. I know they've sought refuge in our harbor when hit by bad weather, and several boats stop here on their more leisurely return to Chicago.

I'll try to take some photos this year.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Well, Jujubean, I was one of those that suggested you ignore the letter; instead you went ahead with what you felt was right & it sounds like that turned out to be the best decision. Well done - it sounds like they will turn out to be great neighbours for the long term.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

Re the Mac Race. I sailed that race every year until 2003. There were years when we were less than 2 miles offshore off Ludington. And years when it was more advantageous to sail the rhumb line up to the Manitous. But generally we passed Ludington in the dark.
I'm happy to hear that you got a nice email from your neighbor. It's a rough place they're in.
Love the picture of that great dramatic space.


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RE: Problems with neighbors - should we respond to letter?

That's so cool, ml. I'm sure you have a long list of fantastic stories and memories from the race. What fun ... combined with a lot of work I would think.

My husband just earned ASA 101-104 certification in the BVI a couple weeks ago, so we're looking forward to a little sailing this summer and in the BVI next winter with friends who also took the course. We're only experienced in power boating, so this will be a new adventure for us. He's interested in a Hobie Wave or a similar small cat so we can practice right from the beach.


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