I know exactly how you feel, however, I decided in the beginning I would accept the other grandparent for who she is. The other grandparent always walked in the door laden down with "things" for the children, naturally she became the favorite grandparent, got lots of hugs, kids climbed all over her etc. I have different values, children need to learn to like a person for who they are rather than for "things" brought to them. I do not get the same kind of welcome, I do get lots of hugs and thanks for things I help them learn to do, always hugs when they come and when they leave, same at their house when I come or leave (not giddish type, meaningful hugs, etc.). If grandchildren fail to come and give me a hug I quickly inform them with arms stretched out that grandma needs a hug and I get a genuine hug with meaning in it. I do not play favorites with our grandchildren, the other grandparent does. The other grandparent seldom visits with adults at parties, spends all her time in another room with some of the children, giggling, acting silly, chattering nonsense constantly, etc. By nature I am not the giddish type person, I am more reserved, sincere and visit with all ages. I am not one to jump up and down, oooh ahhh, I give them praises for their accomplishments, lots of hugs, etc. but not jibberish. The other grandparent has things to offer the children that are different than what I have to offer. She is a playmate rather than a grandparent figure in their lives. This grandparent is a shopper, gad about but not interested in things on the home front like cooking, sewing, crocheting, knitting, embroidery, crafts, etc. Not a serious bone in her body!! I offer love, solid rock foundation, supportive, teach them to sew, crochet, knit, embroidery, and many other things. Our 8 year old grandson just finished sewing a quilt for charity all by himself, thrilled at his accomplishment, loves to sew and very confident. The granddaughters have made clothes, sewed on quilts for charity. Grandchildren are now 6, 8, 11, 13. I am the one they can depend on in time of need, stable, they know I am always there for them.

OMG, that's a riot, Trin. lololol Loved all of it, but the bit about the barcodes made me really hoot. You need to save that for the next time you go away. He'd love it.

Good timing. We just got home from Harry's 61st reunion and those 79-year olds looked pretty darned good. And had a great time! Now I'm looking forward to my 50th next year in Indiana. We always have the best time and don't care that much that the guys have no hair and we don't weigh 105 anymore. We're just glad to see one another.

Hi Vesters. So many things you wrote struck a chord with me as we experienced the same issues with my SD, who is now 14. We've had custody of her since she was 5, after gaining emergency and then full custody though a very nasty battle. After DH and his ex divorced SM moved SD hours away. SD began sleeping in her bed, showering with her, being completely dependent on her mom. BM thrived on this - it made her feel needed and important. SD couldn't (or wouldn't) do or try anything on her own. SD became BM's 'bff' and confidant - all at the mature age of 3. This continued until BM found a boyfriend, and then SD was kicked into her own bed in her own room on a different floor and told to go to sleep. Once that relationship ended SD was needed again and back in BM's bed, all the while hearing about BM's relationship woes. Fast forward a few years. We have custody, SD sees her mom EOW. She's still trying to have SD sleep with her (between boyfriends) and be dependent on her. The 'bff' behavior is worsening and we're hearing all about BM's love life from SD. SD is getting stomach aches right before visitations and worrying about how to take care of her mom. All so appropriate for a mother/daughter relationship. And then there was. . . "BM also used to say things to SD (right after I came on the scene) like, "I'd never let a man come between us" and "You're the only one I need" which sounds innocent enough, but it was very much meant as a "look at your father, moving on with his life, I'll never let that happen to us." I could have written that. BM is always saying this. . . in between the men in her life. But what SD figured out about 2 years ago is that her mom is full of sh@t. She started to see all these behaviors factored around her mom and what her mom needed on her mom's schedule. She was blinded by the 'my mom needs me' and 'my mom loves me best' until then, but with the help of her counselor and a little maturity she started to figure it out. I won't say she doesn't fall back into buying her mom's crud every now and again, but for the main part she can she the behavior for who it is really about - mom, not SD. I tell you all this so you know you are not alone, and also to give you hope. Your SD needs help, and she needs her dad to help her receive it, but she can recover from this. I will tell you one thing SD's counselor shared with us that was helpful for SD and for our tongues as we weren't biting them so hard. When you say "I'm always a little uncomfortable when she talks so openly about her BM with me (because I know the "real deal"), yet I'm always very careful to make sure I speak loving and positively about her ." you need to stop. This doesn't mean speak negatively, but you don't have to put a good spin on bad actions. Don't try to make mom's bad action ok. Don't make excuses for her. Listen to SD, let her know you understand why she would be upset, help her with generalized, non leading questions discover why she's upset, but don't then tell her it's all ok and mommy knows best. Later, when she figures out mommy doesn't, you will be seen as a liar. It's ok to say sometimes mommy's get confused, or mommy's make mistakes. This is likely better pronounced by DH at first, but you need to know that you don't have to be positive. Just don't be negative, if you get what I mean. :-) Good luck. Keep us updated, and keep your chin up. You are doing the right thing.